Lost in a fantasy

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Mariaeceaves
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Lost in a fantasy

My name is Maria, I am 33 years old. I have been gaming since I was in high school. I started to game as a result of being bullied in my eleventh grade. It was so bad I was put into classes just so I would never walk near or around the person. Ended up taking all art classes including a English and History class. In the English I would write a lot, poems or stories I made up. After school though I would come home, do my homework then eat dinner, then sit at my computer playing games maybe till about 10pm.. it was a pattern I grew into and no one thought anything of it. I continued to game even after high-school into my college, which I am a certified Web graphics artist, and yet I still gamed. I had a few close friends I would hang out with from time to time so I spent maybe 5 to 7 hours a day playing after they would have left or not game at all if I had them over the weekends to hang. Again this went on to no one's understanding. But I also didn't have a family or much to worry about then. Five years ago I met my husband and we did the whole dating thing for a bit. He had me move in and he to gamed yet he didn't get into the MMO's like me. I gamed when we where not together or if we wanted some "me" time. On August 1st 2014 we welcomed a wonderful addition to our little family.. I had all together stopped gaming during the month or two before I had him which I had him a month and a week early do to pre-eclampsia. We went through a rough time and yet I continued to not game all till Sept 2015...
At which I got into a new game and got way to invovled... at some point during that time before my son turned one and I found out both my parents, Whom I hold to be my closest and the ones that always have been my support, would be moving. And not just a state away almost across country. But it wasn't just this that I believe tipped me, there are events in a women's year that should be celebrated.. once in a while I wanted to be noticed or surprised with something special by my husband. So I believe I started to digress and just gave up on things. I know not all men act or do things the same or believe it's a need to say or do sweet things. And yet in the back of my mind it reminded me of how I was treated by others I use to date. Now I'm not in anyway saying my husband is anything like those people because he is far from it and far more a man then any of them where. But my mind isn't as well as I liked it to be.. of course that's how women are wired.. haha..
I feel with all that adding up I fell into a state of denial and digressed more into the world of fantasy, MMO's. Unfortunately I let things go to far and allowed myself to get to involved I that world and at times forgetting being a mother and a wife. I wouldn't ignore my son at all, I always would be around and with him playing. But after he went down for nap or bed I would be on game.. my husband was at work till late do to us having no day care for our son and I would work early am. But I would play till he was home often ignoring him. It got so bad I created relationships with people I met, some of which were not healthy and right. I allowed one man to get to involved with me and it blew up. My husband asked I delete my accounts at which I deleted the game account but not the forum. I lasted a week and failed him yet again.
Again cause I was so into that world I allowed myself to fall back into it only on forum. We ended up calling my parents speaking to them about what I had done. I deleted the forum account right as I was getting off the phone with my parents. The next day I deleted all MMO'S off my computer. My parents stopped over to talk to us and my mom shed some light onto what I might be suffering from since she has it too. I am going to see a psychologist, to help with my social anxiety and it might be depression.
My fear is, I write a lot and I draw a lot. I enjoy both with all my heart but most of them or based off of fantasy characters I make up in games yet adapt them to a different environment in my stories.. I fear I'll be made to stop this.. and that is a way of release or keeping busy. It will help me to never look at the computer. I have no desire to play anymore and no care anymore to even turn my computer on. Which I'm glad for. For one it not only do I have time to do my hobbies I have time to clean and when my son is up from his nap we play and do learning games together, like we had during this time of gaming.
I made a mess of things with my husband and cause of gaming I almost lost him and my son who is the may important person in my life. My son is my light and my beacon, I look at him and say "today I won't game and today I'll be glad cause I have you." No matter what the day is like this little boy makes my life ten times better. I love my husband very much for putting up with me as long as this was going on. I've always loved him.
I need help some guidance in this all. My few questions I may have would be. Am I going about this all right? Will me drawing and writing hurt? And I will say I did met two friends, a couple I spoke to outside of game, they have a daughter my son's age and a teenager. They both have left the gaming too yet still want to talk to me since the wife confided in me about her issues with her teenager. I believe as long as no mention of game we can still talk?!
I do want to make my life better I need too. Not just for me but for my family and the sake of my well being. I am going to seek a psychologists help but I need some help from those that have been through it.

Thanks for Listening. :)

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

JonM
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Welcome

Hi there,

I'm new here too. I hope my advice helps, take what works for you.  If I've misunderstood anything, I apologize in advance.

You asked "Am I going about this right?".  As long as you're not gaming that's at least partially right.  

"Will me drawing and writing hurt?"  You said you get a lot of your inspiration for your art from gaming, so it's going to be like learning to walk again artistically to pull inspiration from other sources.  I'd hope that this is possible, it sounds possible, but we're all different.  Maybe, try a different style of art?  Learning how to do something in a different way could help delinking act of creation from gaming. 

I'd say that it would be fine to talk to your former gamer friends who have also quit.  As long as you don't sit there reminiscing about your gaming past it should be okay.  Steer the conversation away if you find that happening.

Thank you for signing on here.  I hope I've made some sense.

Jon

Mariaeceaves
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And dont apologize. :) what

And dont apologize. :) what you have said will help me. I should rephrase that part about the artwork and writing. For the most part I got some inspiration for the games however I use to write fantasy long before I played game so I should be fine at finding new inspriation.

And yes I have deleted all my games off the computer and delete the forum I use to talk games on.

I have only been away from the game since March 14.. so it's only been a week but I have not logged on the old computer or any of all that. Been reading a lot of the stories here to help me as I go through this and it helps to know I'm not alone.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Ritchy
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Quote:

Quote:

Been reading a lot of the stories here to help me as I go through this and it helps to know I'm not alone.

Yes, you're definitely not alone.  Reading the stories of other people in recovery helped me too.  Just learning that other people like me had been staying completely off games for many months (some for years) gave me a ton of hope.

I highly recommend the voice meetings.  The meetings are the best place to hear stories and connect and support and encourage each other.  Since I've been around, i've been able to stop and stay stopped.  It has been many months now and my life is better in a lot of different ways.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts

It's good you're finding new interests.  That will help.  If you're looking for some guidance, I can tell you that new interests by themselves do not keep people like us off games very long.  I had to get really honest with myself and I needed a lot of reminders of the raging compulsion that playing a single video game will take me back to.  Check out a meeting, it's fine to just listen.  You'll find a bunch of friendly supportive folks.

Mariaeceaves
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Thanks Ritchy I definitely

Thanks Ritchy I definitely will look into joining one of those meetings this week.
I do have some people around here that will also do what they can to help me through all this.

Tomorrow I plan to take my son to a friend's house to make Easter candies. :) I have several hobbies I'll get back into from jewelry making and working with Essential oils on top of drawing and writing. I have had no want to touch or turn my computer on. At times I miss it but I look at my family and keep saying there is no need to play games.

As it gets warmer to i want to start taking my son places for walking or play at the park.

I'm going to start giving myself personal goals like weight loss and so on. To drive myself to never look back.

One step at a time, tomorrow is a new day and we need to keep looking forward to the important things in our lives.

:)

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Mariaeceaves
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I screwed up

My first step is to say sorry... I let myself fall off the wagon to better myself. I failed myself as I failed my family. Now I need to figure out what I need to do.

I know I need help.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Ritchy
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welcome back

Welcome back Maria.  Falling off the wagon seems to be part of the process.  Gaming addiction, like any addiction, is powerful stuff.  It needs a powerful consistent antidote.  But the only way we seem to learn these lessons is through some hard painful relapses.

It's good you know you need help.  You'll find it in the meetings.  The link is still there, a few posts back in this thread.

Polga
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Welcome back Maria. You may

Welcome back Maria. You may have made some bad choices ( don't we all ?? ) but you are not a failure because you are trying to find your way.

INFO

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Help for video game addicts click here

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Mariaeceaves
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Thank you

I know my first step is to admit I have an issue and in doing so I have given myself steps to make this better. I do want to get better games take to much of my life and I need my life back. I have a son and husband that need me.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

wazzapp
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Thanks Maria for sharing,

Thanks Maria for sharing, keep coming back :)

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

planner
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If my legs were broken, i

If my legs were broken, i wouldn’t blame myself for not taking my kid for a walk and the same thing applies when it comes to addiction because it is an illness with much more pain and symptoms.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

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