Although my tag may not appear recognizable, I am an old member who drifted apart from OLGA over a year ago. During an unfortunate summer in 2015, the forums and meetings had decreased in activity significantly. I am relieved to see that it looks like the forums have become a lot more active since that summer, and it reminds me that I should probably return back to the place that brought me a lot of life improvement for the period of time I was active in OLGA.
I’ve changed my tag because I’m embarrassed that I’ve been spending the last year gaming on and off. I realize there should be no shame in a relapse, but it’s hard for me to practice what I preach. In any case, the last year actually hasn’t been that bad. In many ways, the tools I started to develop from my time at OLGA and CGAA allowed me to function more effectively than I have throughout the majority of my life. However, I’d be lying if I said my life was where I wanted it to be. On the surface, I appear to be doing well, but it’s all smoke and mirrors that hide my constant struggles with media use of one kind or another.
I am back here today because I see the media use slowly eating away at the progress I’ve been making. I fooled myself into thinking gaming would be okay as long as I kept it to a single day per week. As long as I followed that rule effectively, how could I be an addict? I was probably also more vulnerable to gaming because I moved to a new area for work and didn’t know anyone in the area besides gamers. I adhered to the rule I made, but every other day, I started to use other types of media more frequently. It wasn’t long before I was spending the vast majority of my free time watching videos of various kinds, and I slowly started to find excuses to break the rule I set as well. As long as I find work to keep me busy I’m okay, but once I run out of work to do, I can barely make it a few hours without media use at this point.
I don’t mean to indicate my life is in shambles. Occupationally, I’m doing okay or perhaps even well, but everything else? Far from ideal… Having gotten out of work, it took a lot of willpower simply to stop myself from watching Netflix for the next 5 hours. I knew that such a great struggle to complete something that should be so simple is a pretty clear indication I’m starting to go downhill. Part of me is happy that I decided to check OLGA to see if it was active again, but the majority of my thought process is demoralized and furious at myself for this relapse. I realize I need to be grateful that I got here when I did rather than waiting until I screwed up my job and life here, but disappointment is a strong emotion, and I have a tough time patting myself on the back when I feel this way.
Hopefully this isn’t “TLDR”, but I write this in the hopes that the meetings have returned to being as active as the forums. If not, I hope to at least run into someone in the chat program to talk to for a while.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading, and I hope to return to being an active member here. I am very grateful to everyone I have known here in the past, and look forward to meeting the newer members.
I'll put something here later.