Gaming has ruined my life and if I don't stop soon it will destroy it.

I have read and appreciate the comments you have made. 

To purplepuppy, thank you very much for your care and thoughtful comment. It must be a very difficult situation for you as parents to be in. You want the best for your son and watching him give away his time, energy, attention and real life connections must be very hard indeed. I am 44 and when I was 9 my parents bought me a very basic home computer, a spectrum 48k. At the time I played a lot but I engaged in other stuff much more. I believe the beginnings of my addiction started there. I don't have much to offer you in way of help and support but I hope that you can find some positive resolution and your son realised that other things in life are far more rewarding and engaging than computer games. 

To Polga, thank you for your insightful response. I will try to engage with some of your suggestions. I am despairing somewhat right now as the withdrawal symptoms are very powerful. I am exhausted and feeling very negative about my self and my life. I want to reach out but I am scared and fear that I will just  disengage and spiral deeper into depression. I will use the links and try to get involved. Thank you. 

To Ritchey. Your empathy and understanding are very helpful. I am experiencing withdrawals  but the thought of using a computer game right now makes me feel physically sick and very angry with myself. I hate them but they have a hold on me. I know I won't ever play games again. Getting to a point of recovery from here seems a very very long way away right now. There is a sense of huge loss with my situation which is becoming more apparent as I realise the severity of the consequences of my addiction. I am happy that you have found a way through this and away from the games. That is very good for you and It gives me hope that I too will come through. 

When I was a teenager I was addicted to slot machines for a few years. This is an expression of the same behaviour but in a different format. I beat it then and I will beat it now.

So I still haven't touched a game yet. The withdrawals are extremely difficult but the positives I am getting back are amazing. I've seen so much more of my friends. I am more involved in my daughters life and she has notivlced and really enjoys me playing more games with her and having a little more energy for her. 

I know I have a long way to go. A week is hardly any time at all. I have been very tempted on a few occasions. I almost talked myself into downloading an app for my phone to help me get to sleep one night. I managed to stop myself. 

I really understand what you are saying about the years cruising by. I have such regrets about this. There is nothing I can do about it though so I use the regret as motivation to never touch a game again in my life. I really am suffering though. Last night I couldn't sleep and my mind was racing like crazy. Nothing could fill the hole. I couldn't read, listen to the radio or music or anything. I fell asleep in the end but then had some very intense dreams. I don't know why but I seem to be having a lot of fear and anxiety.

I saw my ex yesterday and that almost broke me too. She is being very cold towards me. I only have myself to blame.

On a more positive note, yesterday I took a very important step. I have made myself an appointment with a councillor. I have to wait a couple of weeks but I feel it will be enourmously helpful.

Still no gaming. I am doing really well. I keep almost rewarding myself for being so good with a little gaming session. The ways my mind tries to defeat me! 

The withdrawals are still extremely painful and the realisations of the losses I have caused are very hard to deal with. I have to keep moving forwards. The improvement in my attention, awareness and presence are the main things that are keeping me going. I will overcome this and I will make something special of my life.

So a month has passed now and I haven't gone back to the games. I still have a strong desire to play but in my mind I just cannot allow myself to use them. The disappointment would be to much. There is a massive hole in my life which can all too easily be filled by despair. That despair could consume me. The thing is, there are very easy ways to fill that hole with positive action and thought. Belief is the key. Focus on something that makes you happy and do things you get a good feeling from. Slowly the hole is filled and life once again becomes whole. I used to be a dj for 15 years. One effect games had on my life was that I disconnected from music. I am beginning to reconnect with music and feel the desire and excitement needed to get me back into being a dj. I used to work with vulnerable people. I am starting work in a residential center for vulnerable 16-21 year olds in September. Life is looking pretty good, I've just got to make it happen now.

Tonight is a landmark in my life. Tomorrow my daughter starts school. I have been full time parent for her since she was a baby. It was during this time that my addiction really took hold. Tonight I am not playing computer games and I haven't for almost two months now. I am proud of that. Unfortunately my daughter isn't staying at my house tonight though. She is with her mother. I broke up with her mother largely due to my neglect of our relationships because of my addiction to games. Tomorrow is a sad day and a happy day. I will be there when she starts school in the morning so that is one thing. I never imagined spending the night before my daughters first day of school in separate house to her but that is the destructive nature of addiction. I have accepted that these consequences are my own responsibility but that doesn't take away the pain. 

I need to keep strong and be positive if I am to salvage anything from my future. It is very hard to deal with the sadness and loss on top of the withdrawals. Combined I feel a great weight pushing me down into depression. I am mentally quite strong. I am trying to divert the chaotic, overpowering, manic energy I used to put into gaming into positive thoughts and actions. 

The last month has been transformational for me. I worked at a couple of music festivals with some friends. I reconnected with them and made lots of new friends. People have been so supportive and loving that it's hard not to like myself, even with all the negative feelings I have towards myself because of the situation I put myself in with the addiction. This has given me a massive boost. Even though I don't have anything going on with my life right now, I see the potential for the first time in years. It's like this month has been a reset and now I have to put my work and time into positive and gainful activity. What that will be who knows but the last time I was in this position I did some really great things.

Here's looking to an addiction free, self respecting, positively engaged, open hearted, productive, honest, exciting, fun, happy, resilient and self determined future that begins right this very second. Belief is the key and to really have belief in myself  I have had to be completely honest with myself. It is only now, after being honest with myself, that I have found the freedom of mind to accept that I am a good and worthy person. That belief allows me to use my time and my energy in a much more powerful way. 

Thank you to the people who have supported me in this site. Having the understanding of non judgemental people that have been through what I have been through burst the bubble of guilt and secrecy that I surrounded myself with. The fresh air that came in through that hole gave me the strength to face up to my problems and deal with them. I believed I was a bad person and the computer games were a place for me to hide. I now realise that the computer games were an addiction that fuelled my self loathing and reinforced my belief that I was not worthy. It was my behaviour that was wrong, not me. As soon as I got that separation I was able to deal with the addiction head on.

Thank you. This space has been immensely important for me to foster my self empowerment and freedom.

Thank you Polga. Very kind and wise words. 

Hi cidcid.

Thank you for your response. I love the story about the wig! It encapsulates so much about change and the recovery process.

I am making great progress but feel quite numb and depressed about my situation. I know this will change in time but it's hard. I have a lot to be going on with in my house. Things that I neglected to do when I was gaming and massive holes to fill where my ex used to be. One thing I'm putting off is sorting my bedroom. It's quite bare as most of the stuff in there was hers. I put some bookshelves up in there today and put all my books up. I put a beautiful throw up on the ceiling above my bed that an old girlfriend bought me in India about 20 years ago. My ex hated it but I love it. It's starting to feel like my space now. I need to push myself to finish the room quickly now as it will give me something to do that is really transformational. 

I do need to do more stuff outside the house too and I am working on that. I am lucky in that I have friends living next door and next door to them is my best friends of many years house. He has been a major support for me. He is one of the only people that know about my addiction amongst my friends and he has been really nonjudgmental about it all. 

I was a dj for many years but gaming took over that when my daughter was born. I just stopped taking gigs. I have a few coming up which I am really looking forward too. Music is my go to happy place. I have a party to play at next weekend. I might just go out and buy a wig for it!

Agter doing so well for so long I have had a bit of a blip. It is not a major one but I feel it is significant. I was feeling very low and the desire to game has been getting stronger again. I allowed myself to play online backgammon for several hours. This may not seem like much but my online addiction started with card and board games. I managed to convince myself that it was ok to play a few games as it was recreational and relaxing. I felt the addiction strong. The frustration, the desire to keep playing and the bad temper all returned in an instant.

in a way I think that there may be a positive. In allowing myself to play, Inhave experiences the feeling associated with the addiction again and have reminded myself why I definitely do not want to go down that road again. I don't think there is any lasting damage. I need to be strong and vigilant. 

Thank you for your encouraging responses. I appreciate your time and compassion. I  am in a mess right now. I guess this is all part of the process but I feel so low. It's my daughters 5th birthday today and she was with her mother this morning. I hardly slept last night and today was a very difficult day. I had a huge argument with my daughters mother. My daughter is at my house tonight and for the next few days but I hate my family being fragmented. I know my ex is never coming back, she has found a new love. I know it is going to take a long time to fix myself I just can't face the thought of the next few months right now. Where I was hopeful, I now only see conflict and pain. Where I was strong I am now filled with anxiety and fear. Where I had a positive plan I only see pipe dreams and delusion. Where I saw a potential for me finding happiness I only see impotence and detatchment. I know this shall pass but right now I can only be honest with myself about how I feel. Like a dirty junkie who wasted half my life and pushed the people who loved me to a place where they hate me, if they care about me at all. I wasted some of the best years of my life, squandered incredible opportunities and left myself with very little to survive with. Regret is futile. I have to formulate a plan because the one I had was a treasure map of an island buried at sea. I am adrift on a raft made of the broken dreams of my youth in a sea of despair so vast it spanned my entire adult life. Where is the land? I must find land before I drown.

I am sitting by my computer in the room where I wasted my life. The computer is on. I could so easily load up a game and spend the night playing. I could easily do the 7 hours before my daughter has to up for school, get her ready and take her to school, go to bed, get up, get her from school ad infinitum. I am such a clever man. I'm not bragging but I am. I have a very high IQ. I am also very practically minded. I will try and fix anything rather than throw it away. I am very creative too. I have it all, apart from the ability to make it all work for me. That's why games are so appealing, I don't have to make it work with games. I cannot bear the thought of wasting whatever I have left of my life on games though. I would rather die now. Seriously, without any hesitation, if it was a plain choice I would choose death. It isn't though. There are an almost infinite number of possibilities. How do I engage and make good choices? How do I find the land and settle? What do I have left? I have myself. 

Much as I hate myself right now, I do not underestimate my power. I realise I am lost and don't know how to use it but one thing I am certain of is it is still there. I picture myself walking into a museum and seeing figures behind glass cases. Manakins set in the positions of people of olden times. I walk around and I see myself, sat at my computer desk, frozen in time. That time is now, I am both of these people, the manakin is the physical self, paralysed by the inability to engage the mind. The mind stands and watches, unable to find a way back into the body. What is it that is needed to bridge the gap and reanimate the rigid body? Belief, hope and determination are what's needed. They are the tools that can shape this chaotic infinite energy that haemorrhages out of the schisms between my mind, body and soul. Belief is the sail, hope the rudder and determination the wind. 

Wish me luck on my journey, I have begun to realise the bigger picture. I will not feed the addiction. It will not win, I will. If change is something we allow to happen than I welcome it with open arms.

Well I thought the first month or so would be the hardest. Today is unbearable hard. I just don't know what to do but I can't continue to feel like this. It's agonising and hopeless. I just feel so low and lost. It feels like there's no hope today. I'm so lonely it's killing me. Ouch

Today I was in hospital with a problem with my back. I was attacked many years ago and hospitalised. I was incapacitated for around 3 months. I have been in chronic pain ever since but a couple of weeks ago I had to go to hospital with it. Today again I had to go to hospital in an ambulance and now I'm incapacitated again. I am in agony and on verybstrong painkillers. I'm stuck in bed for prolonged periods now. I just don't know how I'm going to resist playing games. I have my laptop, a radio and a few books. My daughter is with her mother so I am alone. I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from to get through this without gaming. Help!

I’m feeling quite despairing. I got myself to such a positive place but I’ve relapsed. When I stopped playing games I was in such a bad place and stopping gave me my life back. My life was absolutely destroyed back then. It still is to a point but mentally and emotionally I’m in a better place. I got to a point of despair because I just didn’t know what to do with my time. To begin with I just started playing a little but games have completely taken over my life again. 

I feel like I am much more in touch with myself and have a positive outlook but I really neee to kick the games for good now.

last time I gave up I look at as a practice run. As I’ve gone back into the games I’ve understood the process of my addiction to a point but I’ve still been drawn in.

i need to find the strength to kick them once and for all and make the most of the opportunities life is offering me now.

I have a new found freedom which created a vacuum. I know I can fill that vacuum with games till my last breath. I don’t want tonand I want to defeat my addiction.

i need help.