Gamer uses computer for school...

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LLS503
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Gamer uses computer for school...

My son is 19. He attends college online since he can't physically get to the campus as he does not have a car. Right now he has only one class, and hasn't registered for next semester--a big worry. So he has a lot of time on his hands. 

He has been gaming more and more the last few months. He isn't going to the gym, or anywhere hardly. I can't remove the computer or internet as he uses them for school. Since computers and smart phones are now a way of life--I use mine for work constantly, how can I get any leverage over the situation.

He is a good kid, although stubborn and can be oppositional at times. Hx of ADHD; has low self-esteem. His grades are good so far, although only the one class now. I'm a divorced mom who works alot and is tired when I get home--so I don't have a lot of energy to deal with this or fight too much--just being real.

Any thoughts or ideas are appreciated.

 

Polga
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Welcome to the forum LL !

Welcome to the forum LL !

Many of us have been down the road of our children failing in college. You admit that your son is not interested in his course. It is online and not giving him any social development that he would get if he actually went to a real college. In my opinion this is not working for him. In my opinion I think you need to abandon the idea that he has got to continue down this path. If he really wants education at a later date he will find a way and pay for it himself.

The first priority for you as a parent is dealing with his addiction. Gaming addiction just takes the fun out of all other activities. The longer it goes on the deeper it gets leading to mental health problems. Give him a last chance to do what you want ... eg to go the gym, to only go on computer to game for a limited time, do x,y,z,, when he fails to change that is his last chance. Then, to help him you need to find a way to say and put into practice " no more gaming in my house". You can also set other rules for him to remain there eg he must do certain chores around the home. Read our stories and posts about how you can make that happen. Think about it carefully and make a plan. This should be tackled with care and thoughtfullness, and with the spirit of compassion and not anger.

Your home is a very comfortable place for him to be; he has all he wants and therefore no need to change. He is being enabled to continue. the only way to stop this is if you change the situation. He is still young. i wish someone would have told me this when my son was 19.

When you pull the plug on his access to internet,  to get it he will have to pay for it himself he will need to have to get a job and move out. This is good. He will learn about the real world. Let him find his own way unless he does what you tell him to in your home.

I thoroughly recommend you read the posts linked in the thread for parents of addicts linked below in my signature, if you really want to help him and not continue to enable him.

I am sorry you have to tackle this alone at home. But the solution is simple; your rules or he has to leave. Your rules may be that he has to surrender all his computers/smart phones to you and you keep them locked away until he leaves. Or you get a tech savy person to secure your internet. There are ways.

 

All the best

 

INFO

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Polga
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I just wanted to post this

I just wanted to post this advice again because it is so powerful.

What a member would have done, in hindsight....

From http://www.olganon.org/comment/216642#comment-216642

"I will tell you what I wish we would have done when our son was your son's age. This is what I think might have had a better chance of working than what we did do: I would have completely eliminated computer access in our home and never brought it back, ever. I don't know if this is you, but we have free public computers in our library and I would have used those, period. I would never have made bargains or deals or agreements with our son about his gaming, I would have established that we would have zero tolerance for gaming under any circumstances. Rather than permitting him to fall in with a crowd of gamers, and spend days and nights in other people's homes gaming, I would have told him it's better to be alone.

I would have gotten him a counselor or therapist right at the get-go, and been straight up with the counselor about the fact that my son was a gaming addict and that he needed help for that particular issue. I would not have accepted any statement from the counselor to the effect that my son had "underlying issues" that, when they were "resolved," would permit my son to game "responsibly." (Obviously, your son and my son may have other psychiatric issues, that's not what I'm trying to say... but I would have made it clear that my son wouldn't be allowed to game no matter what.)

This might be really controversial but, I would have forced my son to participate in life. Whether that meant picking clubs or music activities or sports or Boy Scouts and signing him up and driving him there, or whatever, I wouldn't have taken "no" for an answer. Your son will NOT want to do anything... this is the nature of the malady. But the longer he goes with no other outlets, no healthy activities, nothing else to do and nobody to do it with, the harder it's going to be when quit day finally comes, if it ever does.

I can't tell you how much I wish I had those years back... and in some ways, I think even my son is starting to realize the waste as well. I guess the bottom line of what I'm trying to say here is, half-measures will avail you nothing. Either make a full-frontal assault on this thing or leave it alone and reconcile yourself to the fact that your son's life title will be Loser Gamer. God knows I wish I had, long before now."

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

alienated
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There is nothing you can do

There is nothing you can do to change him, so don't blame yourself.

However, in the mean time, make sure you have a modern router which can be tweaked, and remove ALL gaming devices e.g. xbox. Also, remove laptops, computers and mobile phone etc - he won't use them for school anyway.

IMO, give yourself a reasonable deadline for him to change (he won't). Before the deadline, quietly arrange for a safe place for him to go (after he finishes school) and kick him out of the house.

He will kick and scream blue murder. but the reason why he can't stop rests with you - you are enabling him.

Good luck, I wish I had been able to follow my own advice, but in my case my partner violently disagrees, and says that he should be left alone to work it out for himself. :(

Well he's almost 23 now, more depressed than he ever was, over weight, no friends and a very angry (somewhat nasty and vindictive) young man. He is at home at the moment for the holidays and his moods are ruining it for all of us (I think this is a direct consequence of him not playing games for a few days)

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