Backstory: My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I'm 29, he's 31. He's always been a PC gamer and while it had always bothered me, I accepted it. He used to play TFC back in the 00's for about 4 hours, 5 times a week. That was before we had children. Diablo, StarCraft, and Left for Dead were some others since. Fast forward to the present and he is playing PubG about 7-10 hours a week. I know comparatively that may not seem like much to others, but we have an 18 month old and a moderately autistic 10 year old. These games cannot be paused. I'm absolutely exhausted and lonely. Our biggest argument is the gaming. I will admit that I am a fairly needy person due to childhood neglect. So my question is: how much gaming is fair? On weeknights we have only from 9-11pm for couple time. Weekends are random. As I said, our oldest has autism and needs constant monitoring. Husband keeps saying that it's my anxiety that's causing me to need him so much now. Even if that's true, why not give me the time I need during this period in life? It's a game. I'm a real human being... Tonight will be my third night staying in a hotel. And while I'm gone, he just continues to game.
Sad in Iowa
It sounds like you are not against him gaming, but what you want is for him to give you and his family more support. you feel that the burden of child rearing is unfairly more on your shoulders. you sounds tired and lonely.
You observe that it is gaming that gets more attention than your needs. It seems that he is putting his desires above duty.
Addiction is not about the hours played. He could still be an addict and affected by the way gaming rewires the brain.
His lack of empathy could be because he affected by gaming. It is reported that dependance on gaming can result in lack of empathy to others. Or he could just be being selfish.
If you are having difficulties getting through to him and getting to see your side, maybe suggest that you both attend couples counselling. There is link to some information about it in a thread about " getting support for you" linked in the info below for spouses in my signature.
If you are feeling unhappy then something needs to be done. Trust your gut.
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We currently are in couples counseling. I've been unhappy for sometime. He definitely has a lack of empathy in all areas of life. I've had him look at the gaming addiction list and he refuses to believe he is addicted. You are right, that I don't expect him to quit gaming forever. But I did ask him last night if he was given an ultimatum, would he choose me over games?And he said no. I'm struggling to cope with this. He's been my entire life. He's my best friend. But clearly I will never be as important to him as gaming. And I cannot stay with him for that. It is unfair and I'm tired of being sad. My self worth goes down immediately when I'm around him. If he's not playing, he's watching videos of others playing on his phone. Having a child with autism is a heavy weight to bear as it is. I don't think either of us need the extra stress of arguing about this forever.
Sad in Iowa
Hi again
That is such a shame. i feel so sorry for your loss of a loving partner. And the loss of a loving father for your kids. i hope you have other family and friends to give you some extra support while you come to terms with this.
Addiction changes people. If your husband does ever break free and recover ( healing can occur slowly after going game free) , only then will his eyes be opened to what a huge injustice has occurred from his treatment of you all. That is not much comfort for you at the moment i know, but it may help you understand that gaming is very powerful and destructive of the balanced mind and that is it nothing to do with you or your problem to fix. You have to take care of yourself. You deserve love and kindness.
You can start to "detach with love" right now; in preparation for considering a new way of life ... http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/detachment-what-means-and-how-do-it
INFO
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Today we went to counseling and spoke about my staying in a hotel and his gaming problem. The therapist suggested that if he thinks he is not addicted, then he should be able to quit for 90 days with no issue. He said he thought that was ridiculous and that if someone was a painter and loved painting, why would you take away what they love? Then the therapist said, well maybe you can try 30 days free of gaming and see how that goes. He agreed, but is extremely ****ed off. He even went as far as to ask me: what would you do if someone took your kids from you for 90 days? I was seriously floored at that comment. I always knew he was addicted, but comparing the value of my children to the value of games?! I just don't know what to do. I feel so confused emotionally. He's much worse than I thought.
Sad in Iowa
Thanks for sharing this development
The hold these games have on people is baffling and incredible to the onlooker
The games are compelling. human beings are wired to bond with their tribe ... he bonds with the other people who game with him and rely on him and enable him to feel that gaming is ok ... granted they are fake bonds, and his ' logic reason ' has been bypassed not to see how this affects family life.
I hope you can continue with the counselling and talk this through. Time will tell if he can quit for 30 days. It will be very hard for him, and for you, to have to deal with the fallout of his withdrawals.
INFO
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Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
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Today is day 3 for him. He falls asleep while doing anything now. There's just not enough stimulus. He went to bed early. He's become more aggressive too (punched a wall when my ASD son was having a screaming meltdown, which is nothing new around here, our son screams all the time and he normally handles it.) Then fell asleep. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to spend this time "showing him that his efforts matter to me" as per our therapist's request, when I don't even want to be in the same room with him...
Sad in Iowa
This behaviour corresponds with withdrawals addicts report on this site.
It sounds hard to be around him. Perhaps the way you can show it is by accepting that he is having a hard time and just giving him some space.
It may help you to keep a journal about what goes on during this phase and what are your thoughts and feelings are about it.
INFO
Help for gamers here
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Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
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I hope it is okay to jump in on this thread. Although I have a different family make up (5 year significant other) and am 57 and live with my 60 year old BF. The title "How much gaming is too much" intrigued me to chime in to commensurate (I guess). Of the 5 years we have been together the last 3 have been progressively getting worse. My BF wakes at 7am picks up his IPAD (Madden) and literally doesnt put it down (but to pick up his phone), maybe to charge it, although he sits at the charger and plays. He takes it to the restroom with him everytime he goes/ no exageration! He plays while he eats and this continues till bed 11-12pm. He is semi retired, I say semi due to the fact he doesnt have enough $ to fully retire. He owns 25% of my company and I sure could use the help. I have tried various ways to get him to help (making list of things, asking) but nothing is working. I also tried asking if he could at least not game while we are eating to try and create an environment as to where we can start talking, this only worked for a couple of meals. It created more stress for myself, being ignored after asking for this token of time.
I too have a lack of empathy, in our discussions regarding gaming. His opinion is that he choses to do this, that he has a hard time communicating to me and that this is my fault. He says my feelings of feeling ignored, unimportant, is due to my insecurities. My latest position on this problem with him; is that I can not change him, but if it doesnt change, I may need to change my choices to remain. This is killing my love for him and my relationship with him.
Any words to help would be highly appreciated...
You are most welcome to join Fergie !
It seems quite often that the addicted gamer sees nothing wrong while they are in their addiction. It's only after they start to recover that they see the neglect and feel bad about it. It often takes something very big, some kind of real pain to jolt them to wake up and see a need to change. He is quite comfortable doing what he is doing.
You seem to be drawing some valid conclusions on what your options are if things do not change for the better.
Spouse members have voiced the feeling that they are not longer prepared to accept mere 'crumbs of attention' that fall from the addicts table. This sounds like what you are alluding to.
This post links to our information that can inform you and give you tools on how to deal with it. It may help you.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
I will start going through the site and the information. Looking forward to a clear path, I hope with discussion that will come through soon.
Again, thank you bunches...I feel so desperate at this time. I love him!