Less than 4 hours ago I stumbled on a link that brought me to this site. I really don't remember what I was surfing, but here I am. My head is spinning! I don't know where to begin.
A couple of weeks ago I realized I've done nothing productive with my life for the last 7.5 years. I had just turned 50 years old, woke up and realized a huge chunk of that time was GONE! Gone. Gone. I was playing on the computer in one form or fashion nearly every waking hour of nearly every day. I zoned out playing Facebook games, surfing Facebook, surfing YouTube and playing SWTOR (Star Wars: The Old Republic).
What happened 7.5 years ago? I lost my job of 11 years that I truly enjoyed. Subsequently, I had a mental breakdown. Was I convulsing and foaming at the mouth? No. I "checked out" using the computer. I used the computer to escape a reality I could not accept or deal with. A few years ago I got on disability for "Major Depression".
For the majority of these 7.5 years I have been unable or unwilling or unmotivated to do most anything but sit in front of the computer. I would just not do stuff around the house. At one point I had a big tub of dishes in my kitchen "soaking" for the better part of 9 months because I couldn't or wouldn't do them.
"Major Depression" is my official disability but I also can barely walk and mostly use a walker. I have severe emotional problems that mostly stem from an excruciatingly traumatic childhood. I’ve been through decades of therapy and self-help. I have a life-threatening eating disorder that I've tried to combat with 12 steps unsuccessfully. My heaviest is 500 pounds. I had lost some of the weight, but now I'm creeping back up there. I’ve struggled with other addictions.
For years I've justified using games on Facebook and the MMORPG SWTOR to numb out and quiet my mind. I cannot sit quiet without my mind being overrun by thoughts. I can’t stop thinking. I’ve recognized this as one of my biggest problems: my inability to stop thinking too much. I feel like I’m going crazy. So I numb out with the computer.
When my boyfriend gets home, I barely look up from the computer to greet him from his 10-hour work day. I pretty much ignore my precious little poodle-mix every day even when she comes over to me looking for attention. When she "annoys” me I just say “get down!” I feel guilty but the guilt is soon lost in whatever I’m doing on the computer. Every day I feel guilty for all the things I could do around the house and yet don’t, rationalizing that I’m disabled. But there ARE things I CAN do. I have no excuses, I just “don’t”. I just don’t. I just don’t. Sigh.
I am stunned, bewildered and my head is spinning. I woke up this morning in ignorance to the severity of this problem and stumbled on this site which shines a blinding light on an unmistakable problem I have. Sigh.
Wow! Even from the very few forum entries I’ve read I can relate on so many levels….so many. I saw a forum post “You Know What I Don’t Miss?” Wow! I could write a full laundry list of things that I would not miss about the games I play. I often ask myself, “why do I really play this game?” “what do I really get out of it?”. And yet I log on every day.