Gamer Husband of 16 years moved out

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Last seen: 1 month 3 weeks ago
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Joined: 08/29/2019 - 12:32am
Gamer Husband of 16 years moved out

Well it's a sad tale.  My gamer husband, or I could say roommate, of 16 years moved to his mother's house because I "threatened" him.  He had been out of work for 2 years happy for me to pay all the bills, rent, his and my phone, food, electricity, cars, health insurance, etc.  He played Call of Duty Black Ops and StarWars Battlefield from the moment he woke up until very late at night and sometimes the morning.  Average was 8-14 if not more hours.  He also smoked pot and cigarettes and smelled horrible sometimes because he wouldn't shower.  It was so bad I had to say something, like please don't come to bed like that, you need to shower!!  

I was dutifully going to work and waking up early.  He would be so loud in the middle of the night laughing and playing with his virtual friends.  It was sooo annoying!  So rude.  But I will tell you what bothers me.  I was a doormat for years and I barely even noticed.  I consider myself to be so independent and strong that it honestly didn't click with me until the end that I was being manipulated and abused.  Not physically, but emotionally.  Even when he left I blamed myself and thanked him for all the positive things he contributed to the relationship while he blamed everything on me.

So when our lease was coming up I got angry one night because as usual he was at the computer, no job, and he had started to grow his hair out because according to him he and "God" had a pact not to cut his hair.  I swear I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.  He was literally like The Big Lebowski only worse...what a jerk.  Anyway back to the story so I come home and tell him after a particularly difficult day that if he doesn't have a job by the time we need to sign our new lease that I was moving to my parents.

This threat to be honest with you was really empty as I didn't really plan on following through, but I was ****ed.  I also said it didn't matter what job he got.  He could work as a bag boy at a supermarket for all I cared as long as it was a full time job out in society.  He looked at me irritated but didn't say anything.  Well the time came and he tells me he thinks we should separate and he is moving out to his mother's house.  He didn't like to be threatened.  

Strong, independent woman or not I was shocked, hurt, and angry.  The worst is that there was no acknowledgement whatsoever that he did anything wrong.  He doesn't believe that he is an addict.  Now full disclosure we were more like roommates and friends than lovers.  I was not really that interested in intimacy and even told him at times he was free to seek companionship outside the marriage.  Which looking back on it is no doubt partly why this all happened.  I just had no desire since he took no interest in me emotionally, mentally, etc.  His true love is the game.  There is no doubt that he was having relationships with women through the games.

Since he left, a few weeks ago, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  Denial, shock, sadness, depressed, ****ed off, content, filled with hope and excitement for new opportunities, acceptance, etc.  I've listened to every 60s/70s heartbreak song you could think of.  I texted him a million times to let him know what a jerk he is which I know is not a good idea.  So then I deleted his number from my phone so I couldn't continue that.  He has a new number since I made him get off my plan so luckily I don't have it memorized. 

I feel like I just need time and distance.  I have already started the process to file for divorce.  It is difficult for me to detach, but I want to let go emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.  I spent years making excuses for him in my mind.  Life is difficult, we all get off track, marriage can be difficult after so many years, it's hard to keep the fire going with the same person after so many years, etc.  It helps me to hear your stories which is why I'm sharing mine.  I have a big heart and I pretty much love everyone. 

So at this point I am just trying to stay strong.  I think it will be a good thing for him to be out on his own paying all the bills.  His mom already said he has a few months until he is kicked out.  I asked her to give at least 6 months because I honestly don't think he can get himself together in less time than that.  

Another thing I forgot to mention is that when all this started I had Cancer.  I cashed in an old 401K so that I could stay home while I was in treatment for 6 months.  He also stayed home instead of working to "take care" of me.  To be honest he played video games that entire time while I was very sick and barely visited me in the hospital.  Of course this is another reason I blame myself.  He fed me when I couldn't get out of bed and he made me get out on walks sometimes.  So I kept telling myself he was there for me while I was sick.  So the last 3 years or so have not been great.

I tell myself this isn't heaven, this is Earth!  We go through difficult and challenging circumstances.  We are eternal beings and are here learning lessons and having wild experiences.  I will get through because I have a strong spirit and I love God and everyone.  I hope you feel peace reading that you are not alone.  You are not crazy or a b**** because your husband or boyfriend shut down emotionally with his video game.  There is always hope and goodness.  Sending you love.






Last seen: 1 day 10 hours ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 07/14/2019 - 8:15pm
SO sorry you are going

SO sorry you are going through this. Any of us here will tell you, it is not your fault. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He needs help, but has to want it himself. Time for you to take care of you. That is all you can do.
I have found Al Anon very helpful. Please consider it. You will get support and learn the tools to help yourself. Keep coming back here too. Great support system! Try to get to local meeting or online.
All the Best. You are in my prayets


Polga's picture
Last seen: 1 day 15 hours ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Gibs

Welcome Gibs

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like quite an array of different and conflicting emotions you are having to go through right now. Time needed to process it all. I hope you are able to make sense out of it all and find the shiny new life you deserve. All the best


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