Hi everyone,
I don't know how to deal with everything anymore. My husband(25) and I(25) got married this january. We have an adorable 6 month old boy. Before I gave birth he promised me a lot of things. He promised he's going to work (he's unemployed) he promised me he's not going to use his computer much and he promised he'd take care of us.
Fast forward to now, he hasn't gotten a job (uses the corona virus as an excuse) he games excessively to the point where we're like living in 2 different time zones. He's asleep during the day and awake at night. I take care of my son alone in the morning and even at night. He couldn't leave his game to tend for my son when I am asleep. We co-sleep and I am a very light sleeper, one small movement wakes me up. Knowing this my husband gets even more free game time. Even when I'm so tired I call out to him to atleast hold my son and put him to sleep. Everytime I do he says he can't leave the game instantly because they're in a team game.
Gaming is all he does, he doesn't help with the chores and gets mad when I ask for a little money (he gets money from the government for unemployment) I am on a student visa so I don't get any of the benefits their government has to offer. We're in a house with my siblings. One room for us (basically his gaming equipment is inside the room with us.) he doesn't pay the rent and food and utilities.
I started a new semester of school last week. We talked about it prior, he told me not to worry. Now he still does what he does everytime. He's asleep when I have school in the morning so that leaves me with the baby while online schooling. I wake him up but he gets mad. The baby wakes him up from crying he gets mad as well.
I can't ask him to leave because I'm afraid he's going to do something harmful to himself like he says he does. He threatens to leave us too whenever I complain or ask him to do stuff.
I feel like lately he's been talking a lot to this gamer girl as well too.
I want to tell on him to his family but I'm afraid it'll just get worse. I want my family complete. I want all the promises he made when we got married and when I gave birth. I think its all wishful thinking now.
Welcome to the forums MyHusbandisaGamer !
I feel quite stressed just reading about what you have to put up with; it must be much much worse to actually have to live with this.
This situation will not change for the better until you make changes. For the sake of your baby, as well as yourself, you need to remove yourself from this toxic situation one way or another. Whether you lay down the law and enforce some stringent boundaries of how he conducts his life around you, or you leave. He is breaking his marriage vows.
I encourage you to follow the link for spouses in my signature below and read as much as you can in the first aid kit; keep coming back to do that. It may inspire you, make you feel stronger and more protective about yourself and your baby, rather than him.
It seems to me his threats of self harm are what is keeping you from doing what needs to be done. Sometime the gamer will make these threats because they know that they will work and they can do exactly what want. There will come a time when you need to call his bluff and do what you need to do. There is a thread about how to cope with someone's threat of suicide which may help you. You need to make a plan of what you will do if he makes such threats again and then follow the steps despite how awkward it may feel to do so; he will then learn he cannot play you this way without feeling consequences.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-parents-olg-anon-members-only/dealing-threat-suicide-addict
In the first aid kit for spouses there is a thread on communication, and links to several letters that spouses have written. perhaps you could write a letter, even if it is just to get all those feelings out of you into the open and not send it , then redraft it so you can send it. Just an idea.
I would encourage you to dream what you would like to do if he was no longer a part of your life; to allow yourself to think creatively without the hindrance of having to deal with him. It may show you where your heart lies and realise how you are currently having to compromise your dreams.
I would encourage you to tell family, so you can get support and maybe the dynamic can be shifted.
I would encourage you to make a plan that you can tackle one step at a time so that it is not too overwhelming for you. Having a plan will start to make you feel a little better and more in control. The plan is best supported by you reading and researching what you need to do to feel strong and understanding how addiction plays out in relationships. the threads linked in the first aid kit have been written by people with personal expierince of living with this; perhaps it could help you too.
Keep coming back !
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
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Thanks for your response.
I wrote a letter last night. Trying to let the feelings out at least once since the birth of my child. But every day is something different. Today my son had his vaccine and naturally the baby would be fussy. I fed him and he was still crying. My husband got mad and slammed his mouse telling his online friends "I'm playing a ranked game and this ****ing kid just wouldn't stop". I'm so sad for my son. He's just a baby and he's being treated this way. I didn't think in a million years this was going to happen to me, to my son.
I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't want my family to hate him. I feel like all of what's happening is just making me numb.
Welcome back MyHusbandisaGamer
What he said sounds a typical addicted gamer reaction. You are going to continue to hear stuff like that all the time. You are right this is not fair on your son to be brought up in that kind of atmosphere. This attitude will be seeping into into his developing mind and it will start to affect his self-esteem over time. Kids pick up on bad atmosphere.
You talk about feeling numb; this is a defense mechanism to all the drama and things you cannot control going on around you. All your feelings which are there to protect you, you are starting to bury them inside your body and that is not healthy for you. You need to take to take steps to protect yourself and find support.
You want to protect your husbands reputation so that your family will like him. But by not allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions, you are unconsciously enabling him to continue gaming. More about that here:
http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling-spousessos-addicted
I recommend that you look into finding CODA meetings https://coda.org/newcomers/ or Alanon meetings to support you, and learn more about healthy relationships. They may be happening online during Covid
Here is the thread about support https://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get
You must come first, because you have a young baby to support so you need to be healthy for him. Keep coming back !
Take care.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Last night I was scared for my life and my sons life. I didn't know things could escalate to that. You see, he's not just a gaming addict, he's also a smoker. Last Wednesday he told me he used up all his money for his games. That's about I think $3000 worth gambling for skins. So he doesn't have money for smokes anymore too. I don't have money because I'm taking care of our 6 month old, and he doesn't want me to go outside because of the coronavirus.
In the morning when he woke up I asked him if he would like anything to eat since I knew he didn't liked the food I made the night prior so he decided he's just not going to eat. I was breastfeeding my son when he goes and tells his online friends he was starving and he hasn't eaten in days when I know for a fact that he does eat. I couldn't believe my ears. There's lots of food in the house. He just doesn't eat it because he doesn't feel like eating it. We have cereals, snacks even home made food I even asked to cook him his own food if he didn't like the food I made but everything got twisted.
He keeps saying to his friends how asians are retards and being half white half asian is autistic deliberately doing it to hurt my feelings. He told me I'm materialistic too. When I've never asked him for anything (he's the one who's asked me for stuff before) I didn't ask for a switch I don't play games. He says all I care about is material stuff and not my son. He says he's going to divorce me and take my son away from me because my son is an australian citizen and I'm not. I'm scared of the future.
Next thing he did was destroy everything, he tore his glasses in half, he poked the tv with it, he kept on playing with his lighter seemingly going to burn stuff, he destroyed our photos on my wallet and kept on insisting that I give him our marriage certificate so he can burn it. He grabbed a knife in the kitchen because I was crying and he says he's going to cut himself if I don't shut my mouth.
I asked him what did I do to him to make him act like this towards me. He said blame.the one he's talking to on the phone because whoever it was hasn't sent money. Its near curfew time where no one is allowed to go out after 8.then he remembered my wallet and said he could just use my credit card my mum pays for he says he doesn't care how much he spends. He threatened me and asked me which one works. I didn't want to tell him but he started cutting himself and blaming me for it. I gave in and told him. He ran to the shops to get smokes but my card didn't work he says he's going to kill himself I gave in again and borrowed money for him.
Today I've decided to tell his sister about everything. I'm scared for my life and I'm scared he's going to take my son away from me when he's been violent. I shudder when he comes close now. Too scared of what happened
This is an abusive situation. YOu need to get yourself to a safe place.
You should contact social services or a womans protection organisation/shelter for advice.
You may also want to contact a lawyer about custody threats and whether this is valid ( i doubt it) ; sometime they give a free introductory interview.
Look after you and the baby. Take care.
Keep a diary of all the abuse you have received from him.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here