(Yes im already editing it xD) I don't really know what to do.. Im obsessed with winning. All my life I've wanted to win, and for a while i took it out on sports. I was then diagnosed with a chronic illness that stuck me out of school and sports for 4 years, up until this very day. When I was diagnosed, I could not win in sports anymore. I am 17 years old and here is my story.
It all started around age 8, yes age 8, when i became hooked on a very popular game that you ALL have probably heard of- SC, Starcraft. With this game i learned the fundamental skills of being a gamer, fast hands, fast fingers, and typing 503503985 words a minute. My micro was pretty incredible for my age, i will not lie, and i was around the 80-90% win rate. Micro stands for micromanagement, or in the game keeping your units alive and able to get that last hit off before they do die. A unit that was red hp but attacking, was better than a dead unit, agreed? Im telling you all this "pro" and "elite" talk because hopefully one day i will look back and laugh so hard that it will be even more of a detterent from going back. I do not brag because i wanted to, i brag because maybe i can look at it and realize how STUPID it sounds and realize what an insane waste of time and life it is. Unfortunately, i cant really do that right now.
I just emailed my parents about it and i told them i want to quit, but said only with the help of a professional therapist. I think im at the age where i dont want my parents help, i want someone else's. Maybe im just queer, but i do not want to talk to my parents about it, let alone talk to them at all. It almost seems like a drug and i am too ashamed to face them... And partly because the told you so factor slips in there too ;). Nooooo, my worst fear, my parents were right. Anyways...
I then moved onto D2- Diablo 2, ANOTHER one of blizzard's popular games. I got all the "pro" uniques and could do hell baal runs in no time! Quite the accomplishment! But honestly, do i care now? No. Its over, my characters are gone and my account is deleted. Did i achieve anything? No. I could have been out with my friends, actually building friends that i could of had right Now. I am pretty much alone, people like me though because im a nice guy. I had a lot of friends before i was diagnosed with my chronic illness, but then people kind of moved away once i got sick. I can understand it, i wasnt around, so i was forgotten. Its how the world works, but i should have reached out. Instead i quit diablo 2 and guess what? Took up Warcraft 3.
Warcraft 3 is a RTS, real time strategy, just like SC. Funny how i go RTS-MMORPG-RTS-MMORPG, but not really funny, kind of like a jokingly sad funny. I had a 80% win account in Wc3, which was amazing, but again, Who cares. No one. The account is gone and all those hours of learning better micro and better counters was a waste of time.
What did i go to next? Only the biggest MMORPG ever, WoW. Who has heard of WoW? Sometimes referred to as the crack for gamers, or Warcrack. Quite honestly, i am starting to think this is true. Im not sure how the game has hooked me, but it did. I have 2 70s, and many alts. My 70 warrior is in full gladiator gear, and my 70 pally was soon to be epicced.
Im not really sure what it is, but it seems to be only online games. I just had, and have, this fascination with being able to play with people who are actually online. I do not think single player games would do it, for they just are not as consuming as the ones with real live people are. Beating the AI means nothing to me, does anyone else feel this way?
As you can tell, or maybe, i am very upset right now and i like to be hard on myself. I personally like to laugh at myself because I know that what i am doing right now is not good. Im not even sure if a) i will ever come back here again b) i will quit for good, or c) what i will do tommorow. Its almost like the game controls me, and i HAVE to be the best. Not just i want to, i HAVE to. I have to own the arena team that gets a high rank, i have to get netherdrake, and i have to have full epics to impress who? Im not even sure, and i pretty much hope that blizzard puts money out of the way and realizes this. Im not sure where to start.. and i think i am going to wait for professional help such as a therapist to get me started because i dont want to/doubt i can do it on my own. It pretty much seems like a helpless situation, and seems like pulling the plug would only make it worse. I seriously considered quitting once before, but never took initiative as far as this, and im sure im going to regret it tommorow. We will see though, maybe finally i can get rid of this and live a ReaL life.
Im not sure how many mistakes are in this quite long and thoughtful rant, and ignore them if there are, but i wrote it out of stream of conciousness and i Hope it makes sense... Im really not going to go back and read it, im going to bed.. Hopefully.
ok im clicking the post button now.. >.<