(Yes im already editing it xD) I don't really know what to do.. Im obsessed with winning. All my life I've wanted to win, and for a while i took it out on sports. I was then diagnosed with a chronic illness that stuck me out of school and sports for 4 years, up until this very day. When I was diagnosed, I could not win in sports anymore. I am 17 years old and here is my story.
It all started around age 8, yes age 8, when i became hooked on a very popular game that you ALL have probably heard of- SC, Starcraft. With this game i learned the fundamental skills of being a gamer, fast hands, fast fingers, and typing 503503985 words a minute. My micro was pretty incredible for my age, i will not lie, and i was around the 80-90% win rate. Micro stands for micromanagement, or in the game keeping your units alive and able to get that last hit off before they do die. A unit that was red hp but attacking, was better than a dead unit, agreed? Im telling you all this "pro" and "elite" talk because hopefully one day i will look back and laugh so hard that it will be even more of a detterent from going back. I do not brag because i wanted to, i brag because maybe i can look at it and realize how STUPID it sounds and realize what an insane waste of time and life it is. Unfortunately, i cant really do that right now.
I just emailed my parents about it and i told them i want to quit, but said only with the help of a professional therapist. I think im at the age where i dont want my parents help, i want someone else's. Maybe im just queer, but i do not want to talk to my parents about it, let alone talk to them at all. It almost seems like a drug and i am too ashamed to face them... And partly because the told you so factor slips in there too ;). Nooooo, my worst fear, my parents were right. Anyways...
I then moved onto D2- Diablo 2, ANOTHER one of blizzard's popular games. I got all the "pro" uniques and could do hell baal runs in no time! Quite the accomplishment! But honestly, do i care now? No. Its over, my characters are gone and my account is deleted. Did i achieve anything? No. I could have been out with my friends, actually building friends that i could of had right Now. I am pretty much alone, people like me though because im a nice guy. I had a lot of friends before i was diagnosed with my chronic illness, but then people kind of moved away once i got sick. I can understand it, i wasnt around, so i was forgotten. Its how the world works, but i should have reached out. Instead i quit diablo 2 and guess what? Took up Warcraft 3.
Warcraft 3 is a RTS, real time strategy, just like SC. Funny how i go RTS-MMORPG-RTS-MMORPG, but not really funny, kind of like a jokingly sad funny. I had a 80% win account in Wc3, which was amazing, but again, Who cares. No one. The account is gone and all those hours of learning better micro and better counters was a waste of time.
What did i go to next? Only the biggest MMORPG ever, WoW. Who has heard of WoW? Sometimes referred to as the crack for gamers, or Warcrack. Quite honestly, i am starting to think this is true. Im not sure how the game has hooked me, but it did. I have 2 70s, and many alts. My 70 warrior is in full gladiator gear, and my 70 pally was soon to be epicced.
Im not really sure what it is, but it seems to be only online games. I just had, and have, this fascination with being able to play with people who are actually online. I do not think single player games would do it, for they just are not as consuming as the ones with real live people are. Beating the AI means nothing to me, does anyone else feel this way?
As you can tell, or maybe, i am very upset right now and i like to be hard on myself. I personally like to laugh at myself because I know that what i am doing right now is not good. Im not even sure if a) i will ever come back here again b) i will quit for good, or c) what i will do tommorow. Its almost like the game controls me, and i HAVE to be the best. Not just i want to, i HAVE to. I have to own the arena team that gets a high rank, i have to get netherdrake, and i have to have full epics to impress who? Im not even sure, and i pretty much hope that blizzard puts money out of the way and realizes this. Im not sure where to start.. and i think i am going to wait for professional help such as a therapist to get me started because i dont want to/doubt i can do it on my own. It pretty much seems like a helpless situation, and seems like pulling the plug would only make it worse. I seriously considered quitting once before, but never took initiative as far as this, and im sure im going to regret it tommorow. We will see though, maybe finally i can get rid of this and live a ReaL life.
Im not sure how many mistakes are in this quite long and thoughtful rant, and ignore them if there are, but i wrote it out of stream of conciousness and i Hope it makes sense... Im really not going to go back and read it, im going to bed.. Hopefully.
Yours Truly,
Tim
ok im clicking the post button now.. >.<
xBlackIcex, welcome to OLGA. I did not see very many mistakes in your rather long post. You mentioned a lot of things, but I want to comment on just one of them:
No, I don't think that you are queer, at least not for the reason that you mentioned ;D. Instead, you are just acting like many 17 year olds, including myself when I was that age, in that you are no longer a child, actually you are almost an adult, and as such you are trying to gain more independence from your parents. At that age, it is very difficult to go to them to say that you need help like you may have done if you were still a child. Nonetheless, they can possibly help you in addition to a professional therapist. It sounds like from your post that you definitely do need help of some kind. Having the courage to admit that you have a problem and need help is an important first step. There are many good posts on these forums if you care to take the time to read them. Also, there are many people on this site who are willing to help you if you just ask for it.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
Tim, you seem to have a very low image of yourself - I promise you, it's unjustified. We're all human, we're all capable of addictive behavior. And it's just that behavior that has to change - the person who you are fundamentally is just as good as the next. I'm a year off excessive gaming, two weeks off any gaming after I caught myself before I had a relapse. All I can recommend is what's working for me: Psych yourself up to do something you aren't going to like - delete all the games off your hard drive, break the discs and throw them out. If you start to question what you're doing ("Oh, I could play forone hour a day..."), immediately discard those thoughts; your dependency is trying to strike a bargain with you, show it who's boss. I know it sounds very hard, but just think of it as something absolutely necessary. Do it regardless of how you feel :| Then I advise you seek a helping hand from someone else. I talk about my gaming addiction regularly with my psychiatrist (you'd normally see a therapist) and my Fiancee, who happens to be a psychologist. It gives me a sense of responsibility to someone other than myself, which makes it a lot harder to get back into excessive gaming, and also helps me recognize my own urges to play as not something I really want to do, but just the urges of an addiction and nothing more. You can talk to a therapist discretely if you really don't want to talk to your parents. You'll also need to find something to replace the time that gaming took up. That's where I'm at now. There's a great thread here labeled, "What I did today to not game", I suggest you check it out. Anyway, that's what works for me. It might suit you too, or you might want to go a different route (just make sure it's what you want, don't negotiate with your dependency). You've made the first step by recognizing your addiction and coming here. If you choose to follow through, in my own experience, your life will be much better for it and so will your self esteem.
I've had nearly the same path. And just now as im thinking of quiting i look at Starcraft 2 and just know even if i did quit that i would play sc2 the day it comes out. I would say to myself im gona try it to see how they improved it from the orginal. and still am addicted to starcraft. Its one of my 4 games i play. I dont like MMOS however since there dependent on items and not skill. My biggest trouble is looking at blizzards homepage every morning and night to see if they updated the release date for sc2. I just hope that u dont have this same issue. If you could block this outa your head because i swear blizzard is toying with people that are addicted. Outa the 4 i play 3 of them are blizzard and all of them have expansions or sequels or third making. I think they have a real knack at making addicting games and thats why they dont even wanna admit there games are adiciting. But all i can say to you is dont deny your main issue, its not video games, its yourself not believing that u cant quit addictions.
What did i go to next? Only the biggest MMORPG ever, WoW. Who has heard of WoW? Sometimes referred to as the crack for gamers, or Warcrack. Quite honestly, i am starting to think this is true. Im not sure how the game has hooked me, but it did. I have 2 70s, and many alts. My 70 warrior is in full gladiator gear, and my 70 pally was soon to be epicced. Im not really sure what it is, but it seems to be only online games. I just had, and have, this fascination with being able to play with people who are actually online. I do not think single player games would do it, for they just are not as consuming as the ones with real live people are. Beating the AI means nothing to me, does anyone else feel this way?] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ in my own personal opinion, the feeling of needing someone there (friends) becomes alive once you go onto online gaming, you make friends and you feel, mentally, un-needy. you dont need anything more, you have fun, and you have your friends at the same time, and you can also do what you like or what your best at. thats my opinion on how online gaming becomes a major part in teens lives. i know how you feel, having to be #1, i have the same problem, i get frustrated when i lose, and i feel like i can do anything and everything when i win. and thats what i love about my 60 pally as of this time now. as a total, i have 11 toons (characters) right now, but i've had over 20. i keep them somewhat evenly in level while keeping my main at the highest (all my alts are between 34 and 11 : /) you just have to find something else that you can be #1 at and work on it. like football? basketball? any sport? work at it, and work at it hard. make sure you put alot of time into it. and you'll find yourself hooked on something else other than the MMORPG WoW. if you've read my posts and replies before this one, than you can see that im willing to help others, but i also willing admit that i have an addiction and im not willing to do anything about it. simply because i dont care, and i dont have anything better to do when im off of work unless i want to seperate myself from my addiction. i just hope that most of you, or some of you can do as i suggest, or advise, and help yourself. no one can truly help you, they can't make you do anything, they can't stop you from anything (unless its a criminalistic act or drug / alcohol related, you shouldnt be doing those anyway). but they can only give you the ideas, and hope that YOU yourself are willing to help YOURSELF and take that advice and put your all into it and do what you can, the best you can at solving that problem. addictions are harsh, trust me. i've been gaming on WoW for about 2 years now. before that i was a major Halo and Halo 2 addict, and before that it was all Grand Theft Auto (and that game doesnt make people kill others or themselves, the people that do so (in my opinion) have a slight problem with realizing which is reality, and virtual reality). i've been an addict since i was little, about 5 years old i started playing games all the time on the NES, than the SNES came out and i was all over that system and literally got into fights with my brothers just to play Zelda :P after that it was onto the Sega Genesis, and afterwards (one of my classic favorites), playing Unreal Tournament on Dreamcast. holding the highest headshot rate that i've seen so far (645 headshots, one fatal chest shot) in just a capture the flag match, a single match. if thats not a major addiction (and raised gaming skill) than i dont know what it is. now, for those of you that think im trying to inspire gaming, im not. i want to point out some things that i just stated. the headshot skill i had with Unreal Tournament. may have involved my gaming shot rate, but didnt do anything for me in RL other than slightly raise reflexes and slight hand eye cordination. thats it, didnt keep me healthy, didnt feed me, didnt work. nothing. now im 18. i game all day when possible, even all night when i dont work, i work but 3 days a week so that leaves 4 days of game play, and atleast 12 hours a day. its a very unhealthy addiction, i will admit (and i just realized that my messages seem to veer off course, but scrape along the subject at hand). (and just lost my train of thought -_-) onto the rest of your post that i am quoting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As you can tell, or maybe, i am very upset right now and i like to be hard on myself. I personally like to laugh at myself because I know that what i am doing right now is not good. Im not even sure if a) i will ever come back here again b) i will quit for good, or c) what i will do tommorow. Its almost like the game controls me, and i HAVE to be the best. Not just i want to, i HAVE to. I have to own the arena team that gets a high rank, i have to get netherdrake, and i have to have full epics to impress who? Im not even sure, and i pretty much hope that blizzard puts money out of the way and realizes this. Im not sure where to start.. and i think i am going to wait for professional help such as a therapist to get me started because i dont want to/doubt i can do it on my own.A It pretty much seems like a helpless situation, and seems like pulling the plug would only make it worse. I seriously considered quitting once before, but never took initiative as far as this, and im sure im going to regret it tommorow. We will see though, maybe finally i can get rid of this and live a ReaL life. Im not sure how many mistakes are in this quite long and thoughtful rant, and ignore them if there are, but i wrote it out of stream of conciousness and i Hope it makes sense... Im really not going to go back and read it, im going to bed.. Hopefully.
Yours Truly,
Tim ok im clicking the post button now.. >.<
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ quitting WoW is no easy task, the only way i managed it before. about a year and a half ago. i quit for 6 months, maybe a little more (gamers will understand this, or people that understand computers). i would walk into the major cities and have major Lag problems, my computer was a bit slow, and didnt have too good of an internet connection. i got tired of it and literally unplugged myself from the computer other than getting on it to listen to music, chat on yahoo, or check my messages on Myspace. i would game on my X-Box for a little bit, and then go outside and kick around a soccer ball with my brother or some friends, maybe even hang out. than income tax came in, i got a new computer, and downloaded WoW again, had to restart my characters, and started them off strong (hard gaming, and long hours), than the BC update came out (Burning Crusade as most parents would recognize it as) and i got that, downloaded it, and did even more. i've literally blow 1 whole year out of the water with just gaming. (just a little background info on yours truly) i dropped out of school on my 18th birthday, it wasnt because of WoW, my addiction was slight, but not anything i couldnt cut myself off from. i simply had problems focusing in school. couldnt concentrate, and couldnt think clearly. i failed the 10th grade, and once again, would of failed the year that i dropped out. i successfully got my G.E.D. with (quoting this from my G.E.D. cirtificate) "Has demonstrated SATISFACTORY PERFORMANCE on the General Education Development Tests ect. ect. i realized the problems with alot of students in school, isnt 100% gaming, its duration of boredom. if your stuck in a room with a mellow person for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. you'll eventually lose yourself also. the same happens to gamers, its just slightly opposite of it. they get stuck in it, not stuck out (or not wanting to be "un-stuck" from it.). still 18 years of age, i have a decent job. and i work hard and do well, recieve good compliments from even the managers (i work in a warehouse), which will look good for me when i go to get a promotion. but i will always be a gamer, i'll be a gamer to the end, no matter what. everyone can, you HAVE TO KNOW WHEN TO STOP!. most people let time fly, find something to do while your gaming. if you smoke, smoke while you game, you have to stop every so often to take a drag, push off the ash, or light a new cigarette. i dip for example, i have to spit in a bottle, it keeps me halfway in and halfway out of the MMORPG that i love so much, gives me time to look at the clock, and know when to get off if needed or deemed neccessary. the only way to work on our addictions, is to know when to quit, or slow down. find something else to do, some place to go and have fun. only you can truly help yourself (as stated above), you can ask others for help, but all it is is words and possibly inspiration to help yourself. you can do it, you can turn the gaming systems off, or turn off your computer, you just have to have the will. if you have any questions or suggestions, or need advice or help, throw me a message. an extremely addicted gamer -- Big Gamer p.s. sorry for the long posts, im used to making long heated debates on my schools myspace forum page about dress code : / used to typing so much.