Hello to all of you --
You know, I'd really like to retire with a big party at age 66 or sooner, not slink out with a pink slip when my boss discovers how much time I spend on puzzle games at work.
How much longer can I get away with the amazing amount of work time I spend on an online games site? Shame is my main feeling about my performance at work.
I am in the care of a psychiatrist. We have just identified a few new and old ways for me to work on my problem. One is trying to find a 12-step group that fits. (I attended Emotions Anonymous some time ago. A Gamblers Anonymous group I tried did not make me welcome.)
Gaming stalled my career. Would you believe that I played Windows Minesweeper until my fingers stiffened...that was in 1992 or so. I tried to break the habit by holding my self responsible publicly, telling my boss what I was doing and promising to stop NOW FOREVER. She did not keep the information private. No more promotions. I was lucky they didn't fire me. NOT RECOMMENDED..
I had a wonderful boss a few years ago who knew that I was misusing my computer (I was using MS Paint as my escape at that time.) He tried to work with me. Only when he told me I would have to stop or he would have to take disciplinary action did I succeed in stopping. That lasted for a couple of years and I felt so much better.
Here I am again. :| My current boss is so busy he doesn't seem to notice that I'm taking way too long to get things done. When I try to stop, fear of failure (I think it is) makes starting the next task so difficult that I switch off into games until I have a hard deadline to meet. My job has very few of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a sheltered workshop. One where everyone knows I'm mentally ill and they are keeping me around because their mission is to help the disabled. That is not true.
Now I have a backlog of tasks 23 items long and 4 months old. I have a project that has been dragging on for over a year. I can't seem to make my will put me back on the tracks.
And I haven't even started telling you how games keep my life disorganized at home.
So I got out my old EA book and reviewed step one. My mind resists starting from a negative declaration that I am powerless. Let's just say my emotions are strong enough to prevent me from stopping when I try, and this is making my life unmanageable and painful. If that is not "powerless", it's a close relative.
I am also re-reading Gerald May, Addiction and Grace, a great book by a psychiatrist, full of compassion, and written for a general audience.
I am thinking of joining a regular meeting on this site...I'm too new to know how that works yet. But it sounds good.
My best to all!
Level-Up aka Lynn