About my gaming addiction

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jokerbla11
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About my gaming addiction

Hi guys.

I'm new here... Don't even know how to begin.

I believe my problem is not 100% related to gamimg, that's not the source of my problems. It's running away from responsibilities, I've been doing that for years now. Games were just the quick happy pill I could take to forget everything. Inside the game you don't risk anything because you can always start over, you can't actually fail. I've been experiencing fail a lot lately and I guess I choose not try for fear I might fail. So I fill up my time with games.

I've realised I wasted a year doing absolutley nothing. I'm in the worst possible financial situation right now and it seems luck is really avoiding me when it comes to a job. I study computer science, it's 3 years but it seems now I'm stretching it to 5. I can remember how ambitious I was before I went to college, how I learned and tried out things by myself. What happened?!

All I know is that I've been playing all my life. I always found a game I could waste time with. I still do, my brain has formed a pattern where it always seems like a good idea to hide in games when there's too many things I need to do, I guess cause the problems seem to disappear for a while and then it's too late to do anything so it feels like I couldn't do anything about it anyway. It only takes the fear away but not the problems.

Another way I could get away from responsibilities is getting drunk with friends. It works exactly the same way. It doesn't happen very often, but I'm just saying that even when I go out there's a posibility of trying to run away from my problems. Not to mention a lot of my friends also play games, most of which I was the one to show them those games.

The peak of tragic in this is that I've been telling myself to quit games for years. I've been telling myself to go to bed early, I look at the time already 12:00 AM, "meh, just this quest I only have a few slimes left". BAM! 5 o'clock. Next day, tired, not feeling up to cooking, cleaning, not having eaten well, sleeping well, there's so many things to do. **** it, I'll just play another game. That's what keeps happening. I've tried many times and unistalled, and started reading, shotokan, drawing, filming, I have so many ideas of awesome things I want to do and somehow I never have time for anything.

I've failed so many exams due to "Today I'm gonna play, I'll study tomorrow."

I'm not dumb but my brain has formed a pattern where it feels good where I play and it's so difficult to study, even thought I used to like what I do. Excessive gaming makes you dumber and dumber each day.

I've played all possible games, even when I got bored I found something to play, MMORPGS, single player RTS, anything.. flash games. I can't do this any longer...

It's either completely waste my time and life with games or no games at all. It's gotten to that point. And I really have to get over this alone. I mean physically alone!! That scares the sh** out of me.

I could have wrote this down on my private blog, but I guess finding this site was a good thing, helps when you know people are reading even though it's embarrasing what's going on.

Andrew.

pete1 (not verified)
Hi Joker, welcome! I added

Hi Joker, welcome!

I added you as member so you can create your own blog here.

I am a recovering gamer. I used the 12 Steps in this site together with a sponsor to help quitting gaming. And in the process I was able to address some of the issues which made me an addict in the first place.

I am still working through these, but it is better now than it was before.

- pete

Andrew_Doan
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Joker, I am very like you.

Joker,

I am very like you. Read my story and you'll see what I mean. You sound really smart and likely bored with school. Games are an easy escape and unfortunately addicting for people like you and me.

You're on the right track by identifying the problem!

Praying for your strength, courage, and resolve to quit the addiction and to discover your purpose driven life!

Andrew Doan MD PhD

My Videos: Internet gaming disorder is real & my story 

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy or Department of Defense.

fer
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Welcome to OLGA, Joker. I

Welcome to OLGA, Joker. I can relate so much to your story. I also have a strong tendency to avoid dealing with some kind of issues. Especially when it's something I was supposed to do but I didn't, I tend to let it slide even further. And yeah, gaming was a big replacement for taking action in real life. I let this go too far until I had the strength to quit. I'm still dealing with cravings every now and then but I'm much better off now, at least I can be more effective at my job. You're studying CS, I'm a software engineer myself, and I know it can be a rewarding life, so I hope you can find in yourself the strength to decide to focus in your study and leave games alone, one day at a time.

Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.

Steele
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Hi Andrew. Welcome to

Hi Andrew.

Welcome to Olga.

jokerbla11 wrote:

I've been telling myself to go to bed early, I look at the time already 12:00 AM, "meh, just this quest I only have a few slimes left". BAM! 5 o'clock. Next day, tired, not feeling up to cooking, cleaning, not having eaten well, sleeping well, there's so many things to do. **** it, I'll just play another game. That's what keeps happening.

This made me smile, because that is just like me. It is so easy to slip into that pattern.

Currently I am struggling quite a bit with relapses, which sucks. But before that I had a relatively long period (probably the longest in my life) without gaming; about 3 months completely gaming free. I can tell you that life is much better without gaming. Sure, it is no cake walk getting there, and there is temptation all the time.. but in the end it is MUCH more rewarding. And all my relapses just confirm one thing; gaming life is no life at all.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

jokerbla11
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Guys thanks a lot. I really

Guys thanks a lot. I really really appreciate this.

I've only spent 1 hour playing today. Had an exam and felt psychically exhausted and playing something seemed like some good way to relax. I keep falling into that trap. I actually had stuff to do and that's why it probably seemed like a good idea.

Anyway thanks for the words and advice.

I bumped into a video the very next day after I wrote that first post. It spoke about free will and how us wanting to change our lives (like quit gaming) is useless because we must go for the source of the problem.

And then I wondered. What could possibly be the source of my addiction and why is it not going away when I try to change my life? And it hit me, lack of values. What values do I have? Ok, I'll just pick some and see if any of that applies to me. Hmm, I can't think of any right now, does that mean I don't actually have any? Yes, it means I'm a lost boat on the wide ocean full of sharks, rocks and other obstacles, bumping into the other boats that have a destination. I don't have a life map.

My wishes, desires of my future are vague, how can I ask for anything when I don't know what I want...

Andrew_Doan
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Focus on three things: your

Focus on three things: your mind, your body, and your spirit

All three need to be healthy for you to break your addiction. Your mind will be enriched by your focus in school. Make sure you eat and excercise to keep your body healthy.

For me, I was an atheist/agnostic who was completely lost without "real value". Hence, I needed gaming to make be feel good, powerful, confident, and happy.

I found God when I went to church. The Bible is full of values to focus on! If you're up to it, I suggest "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren: http://www.amazon.com/Purpose-Driven-Life-Code-Enhanced/dp/0310334195/

The Purpose Driven Life changed my reckless, lost course. I found purposed and strength to kick the 20,000 hour gaming addiction. I discovered that God has a purpose for all of us. We were created for a purpose that is much bigger than ourselves.

Andrew Doan MD PhD

My Videos: Internet gaming disorder is real & my story 

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy or Department of Defense.

Steele
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In my experience there is no

In my experience there is no easy quick fix. I was also desperately looking for a solution to the problem, and was looking for explanations everywhere. But they say also that addiction is cunning, baffling, and some other word that I dont remember right now. I cannot just easily explain it.

This is my experience: While gaming is still heavily on my mind, then finding a solution or a cause can be quite difficult. It takes time. And the most important thing is to really try and keep clear of gaming. It really helps to get a clear mind, I guess it is similar to de-tox from drugs or alcohol. While re-adjusting to life and walking around among real people the answers will come.

I still dont have the answers, but I am getting closer to them. A good way to find your values and know what you really like is primarily talk a lot, interact with people. (Maybe try out some new stuff. I picked up hiking as a new hobby.) For example, I found out that family is very important to me. I found out that going out with friends is important to me, having a good conversation. Work is also important to me, and can give me great gratification too.

At the same time I know that while I was still gaming I did not care for anything else. Friends? Neh.. I really did not have any real friends. Work? Crap boss, who did not give a **** about me. My girlfriend.. neh.. we really dont fit together. That is how I was thinking. One thing is very clear to me, addiction sucks all the joy out of other things, it is all-consuming.

The answers will come, I am sure about that. Probably not big answers, but good answers that work for you.

So.. de-tox is probably the best focus for now. (I am telling this to myself too :-)) Hope this helps a bit.

Johnny.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

teykey1
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Yeah, Im the same as you...

Yeah, Im the same as you... literally.... staying awake till 5 am, making 3 years studes into 5.... its the same as me...

I struggle a lot and I still cant quit.... I played yesterday.

I still want to quit but each time I reinstall my game I quickly install it again and play again.... I just cant quit "cold turkey" or using my "strong will". Im still looking for a method, for a way.... for a path I could follow.... cause I have absolutely NO strong will whatsoever... I tried to moderate, to quit so MANY TIMES that I completely lost faith in it... I dont believe that I would control myself and a thought that I will have to control myself until the last day of my life is just depressing... Im looking for a method. 12 Steps isnt for me for sure. It just doesnt resonate with me..

I read books about addictions.... I try to find my way out - be it a spiritual way, or any other... Im still exploring possibilities, I try to talk about it with people... you see I dont give up, but at the same time I play and I dont cut the time I spend in front of the computer.... I know the feeling I get when I try to moderate... its terrible and I dont like it and I know that with time it will NOT go..... or maybe .. maybe it will diminish... but the problem is that my mind comes in right there and tells me: come on, turn on that game, you have nothing else to do anyway... lol - and I think to mysely - yay, thats true - and I turn on the game.... Now - you can tell me to fight at that point, to not get sucked into gaming.... but I just HATE fighting with myself... Im searching for the way that will allow me to quit gaming without the need to fight with myself, to struggle... and I believe that there IS a way like that. You can call me delusional or whatever, but I know what I want. lol

jokerbla11
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One thing I know for sure

One thing I know for sure about gaming addiction: do not unistall your games while trying to quit.

It makes you think about them even more. Leaving them installed is a must. I remember once I quit maplestory for over a year and I remember this situation. Had 3 room mates that also played, I told them about the game and they got so hooked on it they outleveled me in a short time, it was double exp night and I had to meet up with a friend to spend the night over. There was a war waging inside of me. "Double exp man, are you crazy? You can go visit them some other time." And I said NO very easily because the crazy was to stay. I left, came back the next day, got completley bored of the game, I felt sick when I thought about opening it. A week later I deleted it. I didn't play anything in that period for a while, it felt great.

Guess I got to a point where it was clear to me how ridiculous I was.

Steele
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Teykey, if I am not mistaken

Teykey, if I am not mistaken you live alone, right? I am in a similar situation. I think that that situation is not very helpful for us. There are no restrictions on possibilities to play, who will know? Who will see? Who will be bothered by it, besides ourselves? It is so very easy to fall back into gaming.

When you are living with other people they might hold you back. You might even ask them explicitly to hold you back. It is tough fighting addiction on your own.

I recognize also what you are saying about loosing faith in yourself, in the ability to stop, and that sometimes you just think that maybe this is just who I am. But that is just because we can feel tired of the situation.

I know that gaming is not making me happy. Relapses show that every time. That is enough to keep me motivated to keep comming back.

Some simple things that might help is to try and get out of the house as much as possible, be in public places, maybe study in the library. Even if you waste the hour and were half productive in studying it is way better than gaming those hours away. Do you have dinners with friends? Preferably go over to their house, get some fresh air. Those simple things are not a cure, but do really help.

For the record, I am not clean at all right now, so I expect to have some heavy urges in the days to come. One thing is to know what to do, the other thing is to do it. Good luck to all of us in trying to do the right thing.

Johnny.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

jokerbla11
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I agree. When you feel the

I agree. When you feel the urge to play and at the time it seems that there is nothing else to do and you really know you're going to have fun in the game, run away from the computer, get out of the house. Go take a walk. Go buy yourself some tea. Don't come back until you think of something productive to do. Right now you have two choises - either do something productive inside(study maybe) or stay outside. See? There is something better to do.

I've noticed the longer I stay away from the games, the easier it is to keep myself from playing.

Btw, I also live alone.

jokerbla11
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I have failed again. Today I

I have failed again. Today I tried not to play HoN yet ... well I played. I am very afraid this will lead to those long "**** everything else, I can play all day long" days... I wish............

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jokerbla11 wrote: One thing
jokerbla11 wrote:

One thing I know for sure about gaming addiction: do not unistall your games while trying to quit.

It makes you think about them even more. Leaving them installed is a must.

When new in AA I heard stories from people who suggested "don't keep any liquor in the house." Others suggested "of course you should keep liquor in the house, if you are sober you won't want it."

I think it's a personal choice. I, for one, could not keep liquor in the house and still don't. And when I decided to quit gaming I uninstalled the games. Yes, I had anxiety, but: IF I have a strong desire or craving to game, I can always reinstall it, which takes several hours, and by then maybe the craving will pass. It gives me time to think about the real consequences of going back to gaming again.

I've gone back too many times when it was left installed. Not going there again.

jokerbla11
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I lied to my mom today, told

I lied to my mom today, told her I'm going to finish this year.

Still jobless, lots of debts... it has just hit the fan!

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Quote: I'm not dumb but my
Quote:

I'm not dumb but my brain has formed a pattern where it feels good where I play and it's so difficult to study, even thought I used to like what I do.

Sounds like me in College. I did the same thing and I nearly failed some courses because of it. No matter how much I tried to study hard, my mind wanted to play games. Sometimes I wonder how I even graduated.

Stopped Gaming: June 22nd, 2014.

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