My sleeping has been historically bad over the past few months so it hit me right between the eyes when an old-timer said this today at my 'home' NA meeting.
One thing I could always count on, no matter the circumstances around me, was an almost instant, deep sleep. Ambien? Pfffth. However, lately I've woken up multiple times during the night, sometimes hourly. I've remembered dreams involving warfare, racing, and other conflicts.
I'm not really sure what to make of this. I'm almost two months out from quitting my addictive mmporg (and yay!) and yet my stress level remains off the charts. Sometimes I doubt my commitment to staying game free. Sometimes I have wild hair thoughts about returning and participating in new or different games moderately -- I guess I think it would be okay to switch to another drug, that that would be okay. The other day I got as far as 'who would know if I just kept it on my phone' before recognizing the insanity in that line of thought.
Not playing has also opened up tremendous time and mental space, and I guess that thought has unearthed a lot of Stuff that has to be sorted and dealt with. I'm not the person to draw a bright line behind me and say "man that was crazy, thank goodness I don't have to think about that anymore." I ask why and think about where I've been and what I've done. It seems an essential part of recovering, gaining some understanding.
There's outside stimuli too. There's joblessness, and the 'hanging around the house' aspect which can be crushing to breadwinning men (and which has crushed me in the past). There's money issues. There's rebuilding my marriage, and the pressure behind it of knowing I probably wouldn't get a third chance. And there's the Great Unknown -- fear about what I don't even know yet.
Not sure where I'm going here, although acknowledging where I am always helps.
Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.