"The addict brain has trouble sleeping when thinking about the past."

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exazzy
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"The addict brain has trouble sleeping when thinking about the past."

My sleeping has been historically bad over the past few months so it hit me right between the eyes when an old-timer said this today at my 'home' NA meeting.

One thing I could always count on, no matter the circumstances around me, was an almost instant, deep sleep. Ambien? Pfffth. However, lately I've woken up multiple times during the night, sometimes hourly. I've remembered dreams involving warfare, racing, and other conflicts.

I'm not really sure what to make of this. I'm almost two months out from quitting my addictive mmporg (and yay!) and yet my stress level remains off the charts. Sometimes I doubt my commitment to staying game free. Sometimes I have wild hair thoughts about returning and participating in new or different games moderately -- I guess I think it would be okay to switch to another drug, that that would be okay. The other day I got as far as 'who would know if I just kept it on my phone' before recognizing the insanity in that line of thought.

Not playing has also opened up tremendous time and mental space, and I guess that thought has unearthed a lot of Stuff that has to be sorted and dealt with. I'm not the person to draw a bright line behind me and say "man that was crazy, thank goodness I don't have to think about that anymore." I ask why and think about where I've been and what I've done. It seems an essential part of recovering, gaining some understanding.

There's outside stimuli too. There's joblessness, and the 'hanging around the house' aspect which can be crushing to breadwinning men (and which has crushed me in the past). There's money issues. There's rebuilding my marriage, and the pressure behind it of knowing I probably wouldn't get a third chance. And there's the Great Unknown -- fear about what I don't even know yet.

Not sure where I'm going here, although acknowledging where I am always helps.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

John of the Roses
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"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

Gettingalife
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Aww man! Big hugs, Ex! Hope

Aww man! Big hugs, Ex! Hope you can feel us cheering you on. You're doing amazingly well, and I just know life's going to get better and better for you. Never, never, never ever give up - especially not now 'cause things will steadily begin to improve, even if you don't believe it right now. I just know it. Without going into detail, I got repeatedly slammed the first 4 months when I was trying my ****edest to set things right, put my life in order. And yes, my sleep was definitely interrupted by the stress. Now? I'm sleeping like a baby - other than the odd full-length movie that my brain creates and which if I'd turn into screen plays I might have a new career. And I'm beginning to reap the benefits of what I've invested in real life since January. Life gets so much better, Ex. Hang in there. And thanks again for all the experience, strength and hope you share with us every day. It really does work.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

Gettingalife
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Can't remember what you're

Can't remember what you're doing about exercise, but a good sweaty hour of cardio is my most reliable sleep aid.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

exazzy
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Gettingalife wrote:  a good
Gettingalife wrote:

a good sweaty hour of cardio is my most reliable sleep aid.

Maybe when the wife trusts me a little more. :O

hahahaha, an hour, what a joke :p

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

Rainmaker_9 (not verified)
I think GaL ment the gym

I think GaL ment the gym lmfao but anyways.... It takes awhile to get back to the normal sleep patterns it took me almost 3 months out before things settled down. Worki

G the steps helped me to feel less helpless... And gave me hope. Relying more each day on my HP and less in my own powers to control everything also lifted the burdens too. Plus talking to my sponsor (hint hint) to help me make sense of all the emotions. You're doing great so far hang in there!

exazzy
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Well yeah. I've stopped

Well yeah. I've stopped reading about addiction and ADD, stopped journaling, have not gone further in step work, have not picked a therapist. I let Life get in the way of recovery. What did I really expect to happen?

Otoh I just biked 8 miles, so yeah, it's time to get back on track with myself and my sponsor and my recovery.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

exazzy
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Last night I woke up at

Last night I woke up at least twice for no reason, and I dreamt of the game I played 4 to 6 years ago, which doesn't exist anymore. I could actually SEE the text screens, I haven't seen them in YEARS. I had 'rediscovered' it after a long layoff and saw how much fun it could be. I made some winning moves and was quickly at the top of the game, again.

Then I had to give a presentation to a class of kids about the stock market, and I was unprepared (of course). My dad was there, I've never worked with him though.

Funny thing, at the end, I was aware that I had to reset my Quit Date here at Olga. Wtf?

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

JoeD
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Sleep is a critical part of

Sleep is a critical part of mental and physical health. It's actually insane how little this is pushed on us. Without sleep our minds and bodies cannot function at a high level. This means A) Getting enough sleep B) Getting high quality sleep. Unfortunately, sleep patterns are one of the toughest ones to change (I'm dealing with this right now).

I found for me working out was a critical part of improving. Not just dealing with gaming issues, but anxiety in general, ability to focus, etc... I pretty much make it a manditory part of my day, and for those who knows me, giving up an hour of my day is a big deal. However, when I think about some of the other things I've ****ed away time on, it's a no brainer.

I also am a big believer in writing, be it journaling, blogging, etc... It gets our thoughts on paper which can help reduce the amount of 'brain spinning' that can happen at night.

Joe

dan1
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exazzy, I totally relate to

exazzy,

I totally relate to these struggles. My life has been so chaotic for so long that I'm really having a hard time settling it down. It doesn't help that I spend one night a week in a different place, and another 3 nights every two weeks in a third place, living out of bags. I struggle to go to bed on time, get up on time, get through the morning list (oops, what list--I haven't consulted it in weeks), get some work done, and not fall into my slew of replacement activities that could turn into something bad. And the external circumstances are still totally evil. What could be worse?

Well, it could be worse to be escaping it all by spending 4-8 hours a day playing games. The struggle means I'm trying. Failing, to be sure, but trying. People say that's better than not trying, but my addict brain doesn't believe that. It wants to go back to doing it all the "easy" way. But the easy way is not a way. It's only a way to be insane, to be dead to my true self.

I have no idea if things will ever get better for me. I have no idea when. I have no idea how. But I'm trusting my HP (which I used to live by) and the community of OLGA here, which tell me that what I'm trhying to do now is better than escaping with a stupid, wasteful game. My mom just died, and she had her limitations for sure, and many struggles, but she Never just wasted time. She played the piano, painted, sewed, did needlepoint and cross-stitch, carfts, opened her house to many, many visitors from places all over the world, studied the Bible assiduously, read countless books, did crossword puzzles, played games with family whenever we visited, and took a deep interest in the welfare of her children and grandchildren, praying for us every day. She TRIED. And playing games is not trying. It's the opposite.

Hang in there, exazzy. I'll try to do the same. Hugs.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

Gettingalife
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And yanno, if the only thing

And yanno, if the only thing that changes is my perception, my attitude that is massive. It's changing. Slowly, but surely, it's changing.

Sweet little video treat on the subject -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTgOLLmTQI0

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

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