A Rude Awakening

Hello everyone,

I'd like to start by saying finding a place like this gives me hope and I'd like to thank everyone involved for giving me something to reach out for when I know I'm in a downward spiral and feel so helpless. Anyways, I suppose I'll start from as close to the beginning as I'm aware of; seems finding the start can sometimes be the hardest part.

I think the last time I was really happy with my life was when I was in my late teens.. maybe sixteen to eighteen.. maybe nineteen at the most. I was a good student and caused my share of mischief here and there, but I was smart and I knew it. Classes were sometimes mind-numbingly easy and I would breeze through them as just another "thing to do" in life. Now, it's fair to say that I've always been a gamer since I was born. My mother played them frequently and it wasn't long before I started to enjoy them too; she has long stopped since and for a long time I only indulged infrequently. That didn't last long, unfortunately.

At my mid-teens I was a fairly normal kid. I liked to skateboard, I would go out with friends, I liked girls, music, and pretty much anything my parents didn't want me to have - pretty typical. I wasn't the most popular guy in the school, I admit. In fact, up until that point I had only had two women even slightly interested in me, but in earnest it didn't bother me so much. I was clean; no drugs, no drinking - nothing like that.. but I found myself playing more and more games. Eventually I came to date a girl, Mary, with whom I eventually fell madly in love with, it was the greatest time of my life by far.

It really seemed to kick-off at my graduation party. I was a good student; college bound, my parents were still together and made a comfortable living. I had good friends and saw them regularly.. until my father handed me an envelope. Inside the envelope was nine-hundred dollars for which my parents had instructed me to spend on a computer for my college-to-come. I did as I was told and actually was very proud of myself for building my own and getting much more out of the money. Yay for me.. sadly I also discovered PC gaming, which was terribly addicting as it was my first interaction with social or online gaming at all.

I went to college.. I did fairly well my first two semesters and I majored in computer science as my building endeavor appealed to me so much. Things were getting pretty serious with Mary now and we'd been dating for nearly two years, surprisingly even her parents liked me.. I was part of the family. I gamed more and more, though.. surrounded myself with new friends who held gaming on high much as I was starting to. I would disappear into my bedroom for hours upon hours and my parents started taking notice. They tried to get me outside as I had once gone but the effort was cut very short when my father's time in the military was up and they decided to move back to New York, I forgot to mention we were in Texas at the time. Well.. I one large mistake here.. possibly two. I stayed.. I stayed because of my friends, but mostly because of Mary; I didn't want to leave what I knew.

I moved into a house with four other roommates - all of them avid gamers. Soon that would be all that we did. We would play this game or that one, set up LAN parties.. Mary would visit frequently but my addiction had me sitting infront of a ****able television screen entranced by dancing, meaningless colors. Soon after my grades began to drop, two semesters went by.. and out of eight classes I managed to pass two - putting my financial aid in jepordy.

Now, I knew at this point something was very wrong with me.. and I tried to resolve to fix it myself.. do my homework and work towards a life with Mary, who I was now dating for 3 years, marriage becoming a not so foreign concept. Two more semesters passed.. only two classes passed again. The school was getting fed up with me and gave me a final warning.. and by this time I had switched from one house of gamers to another.. only this time my now one roommate fell prey to his addiction and was literally recalled home to be supervised.

Now I was in a pickle.. I couldn't pay my rent alone.. so I had to drop school and get a full time job to survive. I lived in my own apartment and I trapped myself in a black hole of sorts. I only made just enough money to pay my rent, eat, and.. you guessed it.. play video games. i was destitute with no way out.. which only drove me further into video games as a whole. They became an escape rather than a fun thing to do with friends. I gamed compulsively to forget, I still do.. and I regret it. Eventually I lost my job due to the habit and at this point my girlfriend of four years had become very concerned about me... but I shrugged her off and just kept playing, kept forgetting my situation. At one point I locked myself in my apartment and gamed for two weeks on end.. my friends became so worried they actually took it upon themselves to break into my apartment to make sure I was alright.

Needless to say I ran out of money and time.. and had to retreat to New York and the family to survive.... I had to sell nearly everything to get enough money for gas to get there. I didn't even have enough food, so I drove for two days with very little to eat and drink in hopes I could get home before I got too hungry - which I did.. but I remember driving away from San Angelo, I remember waving goodbye to Mary after a shaky agreement of a long-term relationship, I remember realizing that I had just thrown away every opportunity, every good thing I had going for me for one more hour in front of the T.V.

I lived in New York for a while and needless to say the relationship ended very quickly after I arrived - literally the second day I was there. I was now 21.. living in my parents house.. half an education left unfinished and in all kinds of debt from unpaid rent and student loans. My situation seemed hopeless, so I did what I knew how to do.. I gamed. I gamed a lot.. a -lot- all day and night, I had no job now.. I would wake up, get on my computer or xbox... go to sleep .. rinse and repeat for six months nearly. In a new place like this I had no friends, I didn't know how to even find any.. I was never close to my family, well.. not that close.. so I couldn't talk to them.. so I vented in the online community over games. My addiction became my rationalized therapy and it was only killing me more and more.

Two years later and I'm 23.. Mary hates me and blames me for a lot of things; so many I've lost track. Her family that I was once a part of now looks at me with disdain and as if I am some freak of nature. My debt is still piled high, although I am doing a little bit better at paying it.. not much though. I still game to forget.. but now it seems that my problems have become so large they don't even work. Any game I play seems so empty and pointless now ... I just play more, I spend more just to find something new that can make me forget for 15 minutes. I have a job, but it isn't one I'm proud of. Working as a sales rep at BBY at 23 is ... humbling to say the least.

I need better, I know I can do better.. and now that I am confronting this problem it scares the hell out of me, but I don't know what else I can do. I'm backed into a corner and I need to fight because I know that I'm close to losing everything ... again, but this time there's nowhere to run away to. I need to grow up but I can't even force myself to fill out a resume for a new job because there's just this.. fear.. I've gained weight, I stay in through parties and things of the like. I just don't know how to solve this, so I came here.

I've tried a few things, like dating or going out here and there to make some new friends but every time I do any of it I feel so out of place. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking of video games..

The absolute worst part of it is that through this entire time my best friend, my dog, Dixie was there for me to help me cope and relax.. she would sit right next to me the entire time I gamed and I always regretted not spending time with her especially this past year because I knew she was getting very old.. and didn't have much time left at thirteen years.. She passed away in November and I felt.. like the scum of the earth when I had to sign the papers to essentially kill my best friend of thirteen years.. I couldn't even bring myself to pray for more time with her as I had squandered so much.. I was so ashamed that I couldn't even stay in the room when they put her to sleep.. by far the most painful experience of my life - and the most eye-opening. In a way I seek redemption through solving this problem now, thinking that if I can use her death to fuel my struggle that I will feel more at peace with losing her, even though I know that sounds ridiculous.

Anyways, that's my story. I want to get started, but I can tell I will need help, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. It took the loss of something closer to my heart than anything has ever been to gather this motivation - I am determined not to waste it.