My name is Kyle and I'm an MMO addict. I've known that for a long time, and actually haven't played an MMORPG for almost a year (I think my account was closed last October or something). Before I talk about my problem, I want to talk about where I'm coming from. Maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't. It does to me and I suppose that's what is important.
It started with EQ way back in the day, before the first expansion. I had problems with other things (mainly drugs) which have been associated with my bi-polar disorder by numerous witch doctors. I've played games since I was a kid, and didn't think that this would be any different. Like any of us know, it is.
I had moved in with my Dad and Step-Mom after getting hooked on coke and speed while living with my grandmother. Which, oddly enough I had moved in with her because my parents got divorced and I didn't want to live with either of them. At first it was fun and a nice diversion. After a few weeks of leveling and getting some decent gear, I found a regular group of gamers I played with. This actually wasn't where my gaming became a problem, I was mostly a casual gamer. Though there were still a few late nights.
After some time and a few moves later, I started playing more. I quickly realized the problem because of my experience with hard drugs and dropped it before it became a problem. I went on with my life and started a great job in tech support. Well, great in the sense that I was 20 years old, no education, and all of a sudden making 30k a year. I bought a new car, had a great girlfriend (the sex was unbelievable!), and lived in a nice place. Granted, it was my mom's house but she traveled about 20+ days out of the month. I was in a great place. Then I started playing again.
Things started going downhill, quick. I almost got no sleep, in fact I was lucky to get a few hours. Somehow I managed to do decent at work for a few months, till I started adding coke and pot back into the mix. Can you believe I actually managed to go on extended medical leave for a month, all because of "sinus infections"? I still don't know how I did that and kept a job. Of course, I quit my job soon after that, I had everything I needed. A clueless mother that paid the bills, my EQ and drug fix, and plenty of porn (my girlfriend broke up with me). So I was fine and dandy.
I wasn't just that guy that lived in his mom's house playing EQ though. I was "that guy" who pretended to a a RL chick to get high levels to PL me and give me pixels that at the time I thought was important. Yes, I was that guy who actually cyber'd for loot. I just laugh at it now, for a while I was embarassed.
After several more months I almost lost it. I decided I needed to clean up my life, so I was going to join the army. I managed to clean up and quit EQ and drugs for a month, and signed up at my local recruiter. I even managed to get in a semi-decent physical shape enough to make it through basic. At least, I would have if the army didn't let me go home for the holidays. I got home, and immediately went back to snorting coke and playing EQ again.
When I went back (mind you I never told the army about having a mental disorder) I had a panic attack. I've lied to everyone about why I had it. Honestly it was because I wanted to play EQ instead of serve in the army. I don't have many regrets, and this is a partial one. Not because I didn't serve (I would have never met my wife if did) but the reason why I didn't stay. I'm not fit for military service and I know that. I was having trouble in basic anyways, constantly fighting my manic and depressed episodes.
So I go home and spend over a year, doing everything I was before all over again. Planar and dragon raids, staying up all night getting f***ed up while grinding alts, just wasting away. When I wasn't playing, I actually spent time in yahoo chat, which is where I met my wife.
I moved out of my mom's house and to another city. I quit doing coke but still partied (too hard still). I moved in a a high school buddy and actually met my future wife for the first time. Still away from MMO's, but other problems caused me to get put on probation for a year and a half. During this time I moved in with my wife, and things were going great.
Then World of Warcraft came out and I convinced her to start playing. We played for almost six months, and our relationship started to grow stagnant. We never went out, our sex life went to hell, and all we did was play WoW. She finally realized the problem, and I immediately agreed with her. We still party and have a good time, occasionally drinking and once in a blue moon we'll smoke a joint.
June 10th of this year, about a month ago, we got married. We spent a wonderful week in Jamaica, partied, and had a great time. I came back and lost my temp job that I picked up until we were going to move to the coast in just a few weeks from now. I've played console games, we've developed great friendships with a few people, and have started wonderful life together. Neither of us want children, but we have our puppy, which is both a joy and pain in the ass at the same time. I picked up a pizza delivery job so I'm at least working until we move.
I've found myself over the last few days wanting to go back to WoW. I know I shouldn't. I keep thinking on how to tell my wife I want to. She'll freak out, I know that much. The thing is, I know what it will do to me. I know where it will take me. I know what it will do to my relationship.
It's 3 AM right now. I'm barely working now, opposed to working full-time as I have for the last 3 years. I'm edgy, I'm loosing my temper at console games (which I haven't done since I was a teenager!). I've started smoking cigarettes again, but I did that before the wedding. Things are going in a great direction, but I could screw it up so easily. My sex drive has gone down again.
I'm not a religious person. I can't believe in religion. But I'm a very spiritual person. But I feel my resolve slipping. My wife has been the same places I have, drug and MMO addictions.
I feel like I'm rambling now, but that's probably because I feel a bit lost in my head.
What do I do? Is this desire to play again because I'm in a rough transition period right now? She's noticed lately that I've been, moody. She knows something is wrong. She keeps asking me, should I tell her?
Thanks for listening.