I have no idea how to start a post other than to tell you a bit about my story. I'm hoping to find people in situations similar to that of mine, or at least a soul to hear me out, since I feel that no one near me, not my family, my real life friends or my therapists have been able to fully comprehend what has been going on with me.
I'm 22, and I study Business Management. Not really study, since most of my life has been dedicated to two things for the last few years: my ex-girlfriend and videogames. I have played videogames since I was 8. My parents bought me a Nintendo 64 when my grandmother died, and thats when my obsession with videogames started; with Mario 64 and Rogue Squadron. I grew up, graduated from high school with mediocre grades and sort of got into college as a way for my parents to stop asking what I was going to do with my life. Secretly, I wanted to be Youtuber, and make money by filming myself playing. I came to be ranked as the best player in my country in Battlefield 4 (judging by skill, kdr and w/l ratio) and started uploading things to a small audience in 2013.
After a few personal tragedies in my family, I decided to change country and to make the story short, my gaming addiction got even worse. Most of my friends grew tired of Battlefield 4 and moved on to Destiny, a game I considered to be too grindy and repetitive for my liking.
Eventually, I caved in, and purchased Destiny on may of this year. That game came to become to be the bain of my existence. I lived for it and through it managed to run a way from a reality that I really couldn't bear: my girlfriend was studying far away and my school grades weren't doing so well. I kept playing. After nearly 1000 hours of play, my life had become centered around the game. I woke up at 3 AM on fridays and tuesdays to do new activities that only became available at that time and got the best loot of all the game, both from the raids and from the unforgiving PvP activity called Trials of Osiris. I was, by Destiny standards, the 1%.
My relationship with my ex suffered, and I couldn't bear to tell her that I wasn't doing so great in school, and that I was gaining weight. She and I are both athletic people, and we bonded through that initially, I used to religiously run every morning at 5 AM and she, well let's say she practices a sport for more than 5 hours a day. The difference between her and me is that she concentrated on university and her sport, and started competing on the international level last year, while I just concentrated on getting the best loot and faking my way through college. I also started smoking (nicotine) during this time.
I guess it all added up, and she saw through my lies. I told her I was going to the gym every single day and eating healthy, but in reality I was just binging on junk food and playing Destiny for more than 12 hours every day. I told her I was doing great in school, and looking for a job, when in reality I was on the border of being expelled from school due to lack of attendance. I was in a long distance relationship with her, so I only saw her about 3 months a year at most, so she really had no way to know what was really going on.
On July 28, she broke up with me. She told me that she didn't love me anymore and that I needed to grow up. I had waited 7 months to see her, and she broke up with me on the third day of she coming back to my country. I realize that videogame addiction is not my only problem, I am also severly codependent of her, through her I saw my self worth. She's absolutely gorgeous, a natural athlete and she's on her way to the Olympics. In a sense, I thought that having her had vindicated me. I was no longer alone, my life was no longer meaningless.
Naturally, after she broke up with me, all those illusions fell apart. I started hating myself, hating the game, hating my parents, hating the world, and ultimately, I wanted to die. My parents saw this and it concerned them. I started taking sleeping pills to at least sleep. I was also starting a new semester at my university, which I though of leaving. I couldn't handle anything anymore. I just wanted to shrink as small as I could, and die without anyone else noticing. I stopped listening to music, stopped going out.
That's when my parents paid for me to go to a Therapy Centre for addics. There, they told me, and I truly believed, I would find a way to clear myself up of all my metaphorical demons, and to stop suffering so much for her. And I honestly did. I started feeling better. After attendng their daily program there for two months, I felt much better. I started doing exercise and finally fulfilling my lies that I had told my ex: I was doing better in school, losing weight, running, doing strength training and hanging out with my long forgotten friends, who were kind enough to welcome me back after a few years of neglect.
More than 4 months have passed after she has broken up with me, and two since I last touched Destiny, the game. I feel so much better. She wants to get back with me, probably because she feels that I have changed.
In all honesty. I don't feel OK. At all. I don't know what to do. I have neglected all my good habits for a good two weeks now, and I feel that I am slipping back into the self that I truly despise.
I've had cravings to play Destiny, to talk to her, which she is now keen to do again, but I feel that I need to become part of this community, a community that, unlike AA, NA or CA, understands me because we are all addicted to the same thing. I honestly have struggled to integrate with the AA or CA program because I'm honestly not addicted to alcohol or narcotics, and because I struggle with the idea of God, and I feel that this community could help me.
If you've made it this far, I would like to thank you. You are now the only person in the world that knows me this well. Just the fact that I wrote all of this has helped me a lot.
My name is Ricardo, and I'm an addict.
Thanks for listening, and happy 24.