33, game addict (?), in search for self

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Lars Porcena
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33, game addict (?), in search for self

Hello to all.

 

I've been reading with interest the posts in this website.  It does seem that online addiction is a larger problem than what many people are willing to give it credit for.

I think i am one of them.  I'm going through a very challenging phase in my life right now, as I am transitioning from my current job to the next.  My experience with my current job was a challening one and, ultimately, a failure.  Actually, I was forced to look for another job (I am a lawyer).

It was during this stressful time that I took refuge in gaming.  EU IV first, then Dota 2.  The common thread- both games are playable online, with other human players.  I have a PS4 but, interestingly, I don't play the games that are off-line.  I will spend tons of hours every day playing these two games (and I still suck at them, but that's a different story).

My addiction to gaming kept me from developing personal relationships.  I haven't been seeing my friends as frequently as I'd like.  I am not sure if gaming is the reason for that- it might be that I am an introvert by nature.  Gaming also reinforced my aptitude to isolate myself socially.  Game is a closed circuit, it has its own rules, and all have to abide by them.  I don't have a relationship, and I am already 33.  I don't recall ever having a long term relationship in my life- something that I deeply regret.  I am worried about my ability to build and sustain a family.  I am worried about my tendency to seek gratification in gaming whenever confronted by challening situations.

Gaming helps me wander off, instead of thinking about tough situations (such as the job transition right now, the associated stress, and the subconscious guilt of having failed in my prior job).  So, I've been thinking- why do I play video games?  To forget.  That is- to extinguish my consciousness, the same way that a drug addict or an alcoholic does.  Also, might it be that gaming creates a sense of community and a sense of solidarity with people that are uncritical of you?

I am not sure if I am at that level of addiction that creates social/ professional paralysis, but I certainly look back at the thousands of hours I wasted during the past couple of years, in meaningless programs, and I lament the missed opportunities- to socialize, make relationships, read, become a better professional.

I, above all, lament my lack of faith in myself.  Because, and I am confident of this- for all the big problems in our lives, the solutions have already been given, and are in the world within.  I need to find myself, there.  And what people often describe as God in the AA meetings, essentially is the unspoiled image of their inner selves.  For we were all made in the image of God (and I say this as a quite secular person).

I look back at squandered opportunities, and my heart aches.  I wish I could change things.

long12996
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Joined: 08/28/2017 - 7:06am
Hi Lars,

Hi Lars,

I am new here too. I just quit playing game yesterday, so I haven't had any advice to give you yet. I too have a lot of regrets. But I want to say that you are not alone in this fight, and I do believe that we still can change our lives. Thank you for sharing your story. 

MediaAddict
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Hi Lars, and welcome!

Hi Lars, and welcome!

I relate a lot to the story you shared. We are a similar age, and I'm also an introvert by nature that has neglected many opportunities in my life due to gaming or general media use. Occupationally, I've done fairly well, but I often wonder where I'd be in my life if I had spent more time reading scientific journals, talking with people that share interests outside of gaming, and put greater efforts into research projects with more potential of providing humanity some benefit. I've neglected romantic relationships to the extent that I feel far behind almost everyone else my age, and thus find dating to often be an unpleasant and highly anxiety provoking experience. 

All that said, I have seen time and time again that my life improves whenever I stop gaming and reduce my media use. This program (as well as CGAA) have been very helpful for me in doing this more effectively than I've ever done on my own, and I am very grateful for that. I have no doubt in my mind that my life has certainly been improving as a result of the program, and I hope it can be just as helpful for you. If you have any questions about the program or would just like to chat sometime on here, feel free to send me a private message, and I'll do my best to respond as soon as I can. Thanks again for sharing, and I look forward to chatting if you're interested. 

I'll put something here later.

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome  Lars and Long

Welcome  Lars and Long

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Lars; you still have a lot of life ahead. 33 is still a young age. You are waking up and can still get the life you want ... it may take some hard work. All the best with your new journey.

INFO

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Online meetings gaming addicts click here

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Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

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Ritchy
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welcome

Welcome Lars!  Glad you're here.  Thanks for sharing your story, I could relate.  I suffered a lot of regret for wasted time and missed opportunities.  My all-or-nothing addict brain kept telling me to give up, "you've messed it all up already, may as well just zone out on the games, that's all you got now."  What nonsense.  Addiction will tell me anything and everything it can to try to keep me mired in compulsive gaming.

Fortunately I met people through this site and in the voice meetings who helped me get my head screwed on straight.  Wallowing in regret hurts me.  What I need to do is not game today no matter what and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  That's what I've been doing, trying out things that worked well for other people, going to lots of meetings, breaking through my denial, and overcoming the withdrawals and urges.  The life I have today is better than ever, despite the ups and downs and my current troubles.  There is no way I would trade my life for the insane compulsive mess I was in two years ago.

Check out the meetings at http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts.  It's fine to just listen.

Rich

Matt77
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Welcome Lars

Welcome, I'm glad you are here.  To paraphrase and AA saying, my worst day game free,  is better than my best day of compulsive gaming,  good luck and keep coming back,

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