Been clean for seven days. No twitch, no youtube, no games. I'm super proud of myself, as I have never gone seven days without one of these three before, but these last seven days have been rough.
I watched an anime seven days ago, and it tore me up inside. I cried through the whole show. Although it's weird to admit, watching that anime has really helped me stay away from video games. It seemed to give me a steel backbone when it came to vg's.
The feelings never left. I've read and watched stories before that had the same effect, but never to this degree. I kept trying to pinpoint where the problem was. Why did the anime make me so sad? It was beautiful, yes. And the story was heart rending, sure. But I've been crying on and off for seven days. My heart feels like I lost someone I loved and it isn't mending.
I'm 35, male, and I live with in my mom's house. This isn't all because of video games. I made some choices that had some consequences I wasn't prepared for and ended up back at my mom's as a safety net. I don't know when I'll leave, either. I can't find a job, and money is running out. All this though? All this I'm okay with. I made my decision, these are its consequences, and I'll take action one day at a time until I'm back up on my feet.
I mention this because I believe that's why I'm hurting so much. The anime reminded me of how lonely I am. Truly, deep down in my heart lonely. Not just for love (I haven't had a date in years because I refused to give up video games to go out and meet people), but for those emotional, wonderful friendships I had in the city I had to move away from. Friendships with people who truly understood me, all my faults, all my weirdness, and accepted it all. I'm mourning the loss of their friendships, and I'm mourning the loss of all those hours I spent playing video games and not living life, making more friends, and not being so **** alone.
Seven days clean, seven days and I feel ragged. I cry at anything. And there's this sadness I haven't felt in years. And when I'm around my family I still feel lonely. Misunderstood. Apart, not a part of.
Is detoxing like this? If so, I hope it ends soon. I'm going insane.
Thanks for reading.