Back After Long Relapse

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MediaAddict
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Back After Long Relapse

Hello all,

Although my tag may not appear recognizable, I am an old member who drifted apart from OLGA over a year ago. During an unfortunate summer in 2015, the forums and meetings had decreased in activity significantly. I am relieved to see that it looks like the forums have become a lot more active since that summer, and it reminds me that I should probably return back to the place that brought me a lot of life improvement for the period of time I was active in OLGA.

I’ve changed my tag because I’m embarrassed that I’ve been spending the last year gaming on and off. I realize there should be no shame in a relapse, but it’s hard for me to practice what I preach. In any case, the last year actually hasn’t been that bad. In many ways, the tools I started to develop from my time at OLGA and CGAA allowed me to function more effectively than I have throughout the majority of my life. However, I’d be lying if I said my life was where I wanted it to be. On the surface, I appear to be doing well, but it’s all smoke and mirrors that hide my constant struggles with media use of one kind or another.

I am back here today because I see the media use slowly eating away at the progress I’ve been making. I fooled myself into thinking gaming would be okay as long as I kept it to a single day per week. As long as I followed that rule effectively, how could I be an addict?  I was probably also more vulnerable to gaming because I moved to a new area for work and didn’t know anyone in the area besides gamers. I adhered to the rule I made, but every other day, I started to use other types of media more frequently. It wasn’t long before I was spending the vast majority of my free time watching videos of various kinds, and I slowly started to find excuses to break the rule I set as well. As long as I find work to keep me busy I’m okay, but once I run out of work to do, I can barely make it a few hours without media use at this point.

I don’t mean to indicate my life is in shambles. Occupationally, I’m doing okay or perhaps even well, but everything else? Far from ideal… Having gotten out of work, it took a lot of willpower simply to stop myself from watching Netflix for the next 5 hours. I knew that such a great struggle to complete something that should be so simple is a pretty clear indication I’m starting to go downhill. Part of me is happy that I decided to check OLGA to see if it was active again, but the majority of my thought process is demoralized and furious at myself for this relapse. I realize I need to be grateful that I got here when I did rather than waiting until I screwed up my job and life here, but disappointment is a strong emotion, and I have a tough time patting myself on the back when I feel this way.

Hopefully this isn’t “TLDR”, but I write this in the hopes that the meetings have returned to being as active as the forums. If not, I hope to at least run into someone in the chat program to talk to for a while.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading, and I hope to return to being an active member here. I am very grateful to everyone I have known here in the past, and look forward to meeting the newer members. 

I'll put something here later.

Steele
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Hi M

Hi M

Recognizable. I notice that when I am not in a good spot, then I start to avoid doing what I should be doing. Some weekends before I started relapsing I binged series. When you go from gaming non-stop to binging games, that is an improvement. But when you go from a more fulfilling freetime to binging series, that for me is a bad sign. But how to turn it around. (and it is not the end of the world if you do, but if you are like me, then you probably feel bad at yourself for doing it).

I notice that cutting out really non-important things makes me feel more happy. I am not fanatic about what I cut out, but just leaving behind things like facebook really helps me. Also having plans already for after work, and immediately driving somewhere after work to do stuff, instead of going home to a couch, that helps me too. Once I get home, it is very easy to fall into default mode, which is wanting to be entertained. I need to plan ahead. My "default" is not making me happy.

But it is difficult to keep that up. But also much more fulfilling.

Thanks for sharing, since it always nice to read about things and realize... oh.. I am not the only one who has that.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

MediaAddict
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Thank you for your response

Thank you for your response Steele. I appreciate the support, and definitely agree that binging media is not a good sign for me, nor is it something I want to continue to do. Ideally, I'd like to limit my media use to about two hours a day, which would be a huge improvement compared to my current levels of use. 

I like your idea having plans already prepared for after work. If you don't mind my asking, what types of activities do you typically try to prepare for yourself?

 

 

I'll put something here later.

Polga
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Thanks for sharing. Glad to

Thanks for sharing. Glad to see you here MediaAddict !

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wazzapp
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Thanks for sharing, very

Thanks for sharing, very relatable, keep coming back!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Steele
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Hi M.

Hi M.

Sometimes I went to work with my running shoes already packed. I see a lot of people going to the gym too, but I like to be on my own when running. Maybe listeling to a podcast while I do that. Mostly these kinds of outdoor activities. But I can imagine that you could also arrange to meet up with people. I also tried volunteer work for a while, which was quite ok too. 

Now I have some project to do with the computer, so I try (but not always succesful) to go to library after work.

When I am at home I tend to become lazy..

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

MediaAddict
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Thank you for your positive

Thank you for your positive responses everyone, and thank you for the helpful ideas Steele. 

I'll put something here later.

planner
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Well, i keep relapse as well

Well, i keep relapse as well but this has given me some experience. Every time i become sober after a relapse, i learn something new. Once i knew about this fellowship, second time i started doing the steps, third my understating of higher power has changed which is life changing. The nice thing is to see other fellow friends again and meet new ones.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

MediaAddict
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I agree planner. Thanks for

I agree planner. Thanks for your feedback, and it's good to see you again! No question we don't start from day1 after a relapse, but the days we had in recovery prior to the relapse show we have more good experiences to show for sobriety =) 

I'll put something here later.

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