Day One (again)

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clayaqin
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Joined: 03/03/2015 - 2:49pm
Day One (again)

My thread title comes from the song, "Day One," by contemporary Christian artist Matthew West. Faith is something that has always helped me traverse the difficulties in my life, even when I pushed it aside for a more negative and self-serving mindset. Thankfully, I met an amazing young woman (who, like me, has a older soul inside) and we've reached almost 8 mo's of marriage. Many ups and downs during that time, some progress and some backsliding, yet we still keep going. Whatever form of belief/non-belief, political mindset, etc. you may have, I truly believe that our creator has that special individual in our lives created just for us and, when His time is right, that opportunity will be revealed. If it weren't for my wife, I wouldn't be here...on this site seeking help or in other ways. Here's a link to YouTube, if anyone would like to give it a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq2Tp3asLU8

After moving in with my future wife following a job loss and realizing I did, in fact, have a difficulty gaming on a limited basis, I came across the OLGA site after doing some research, recognizing the founder's name from a 48 Hours special regarding her son's death when I had started playing my first MMO. Then, I didn't believe I would go down a similar path, but mine has been just as harmful and painful in many ways. I tried the online chats, but I found it lacking what a live group setting provides, as well as provided an excused to be at the computer more. I wandered back into gaming, trading the fantasy/sci-fi genre for more strategy/wargame titles.

What's changed you might ask, that's prompted me back here? For one, I ended up late for a weekend session with my psychatrist because I delayed playing aforementioned wargames. During the session, I admitted to the reason for my tardiness, how while playing I did not care about anything else (i.e., the appearance of being tardy, the fact that I was infringing on her (and other patients) time, my delay was pushing back time for my wife and I to travel to visit her mother), and again pointed to the fact that, like alcoholism, it doesn't appear that I can game in moderation. In this case, I was trying to research tactics and play this particular Action MMO/Sim, but became upset and frustrated, that (if not for the appt) I would have continued playing all day. This, of course, upset my wife and she kept reminding me of the time. It got to the point that she (a school teacher) responded to me in a tone reserved for her students. This upset me, but I begrudgingly rushed through a shower, muttering curses under my breath, complaining about how others were *always* infringing on my time and rhetorically asked when I would get my own time. The fact that her mother is not well, I'm certain, contributed. After my session, my psychiarist offered to reach out to a substance dependency group she moderates and ask for any insight regarding online gaming as a related/similar addiction.

Yet...that's not the bombshell. This is:

This morning, my wife asked if I wanted to go with her to tell her mother that she was going to be a grandmother.

I shook my head, still not fully awake, but accused my wife of pulling my chain. Just the other day, I'd scared her while she was in the shower by poking my finger (mischeviously) against the shower curtain. The resulting scream, I felt, might've shattered glass in the house. She showed me the testing kit. I went and bought another brand, more reputable, and the *same* result.

With the prospect of becoming a father, I don't want to let this EVER come between me and my family, my career, my health. etc. So, here's to Day One of breaking the cycle. Cheers

Ritchy
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Joined: 06/04/2015 - 3:09pm
Welcome back J.  Glad to hear

Welcome back J.  Glad to hear you've set out on the track to recovery from gaming addiction.  I'm always happy to meet others along the way.  I'm so glad that I can easily find them in this forum and in the meetings.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts

Just wanted to say, you don't have to do this alone and you don't have to figure it out from scratch.  By listening to the people who have made much progress in recovery and trying out their suggestions, I have gotten similar results.  I can honestly say that my life has never been better.  I hope you can gift yourself with the support that recovery from addiction requires.

 

clayaqin
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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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Joined: 03/03/2015 - 2:49pm
Thanks, Ritchy. Already, I've

Thanks, Ritchy. Already, I've had a chat with a fellow member (as I was gaming that evening) that was enlightening and helped think more about my decision to quit. While changing this long-engrained behavior will be a challenge, I think I will be able to make further progress using the tools posted here, as well as socializing with fellow members on the same journey.

PS: Further confirmation following doctors visit today that a little one may be on the way. Blood testing still pending. Estimated due date: Nov. 8.

clayaqin
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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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Joined: 03/03/2015 - 2:49pm
Today, wife and I went to her

Today, wife and I went to her OBGYN after she had severe pain. Testing confirmed a spontaneous miscarriage. We're obviously saddened by the outcome, but we both know there's nothing we could've done to prevent it had we known. My wife's mother was about to undergo a major surgery the day before we found out, so that stress may have contributed. We thought it would boost her mother's morale to tell her about the results. Her surgery went very well and now the follow-up treatment begins.

it's made me think very hard about putting aside gaming and focus on building my family and career instead. Sitting here, playing a little World of Warships, I just don't feel any joy in playing. All I feel is being upset because a stray cruiser got through and sank my carrier. Same feeling when I just now got sunk in a battleship. I could've spent that time searching jobs or other, more useful tasks.

So...another game uninstalled. One more to go.

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Clayaqin

Hi Clayaqin

Sorry about your sad news. As you say; these things just happen .. nothing you can do or did do to make it happen. At times like these we can look at the bigger picture in life and make positive decisions. All the best to you and your wife on your journey together.

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