Depressed Gamer Can't Admit Addiction

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gimplike
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Depressed Gamer Can't Admit Addiction

Thanks for taking the time to read through this,

I happened to jokingly google search "Clash of Clans Addicitons" and came across this website. I have been gaming more than 15 years now if you include my earliest N64 days. My addiction stems from a physical handicap, I was dignosed with psoriatic arthritis at 17 years old. The disease has attacked my right side knee and ankle. Taking away my ability to run at any volume, and even walking large distances is a struggle.

Before my ankle damage I was a heavily sports oriented guy. For two years, ages 18-20, I was in a leg cast with doctors unable to properly identify the causes for my leg pain. I played a lot of World of Warcraft, and using my competitive spirit naturally found my way into competetive raiding. I was main tank for the preimemer guild on the server (top 100 world wide)(crappy sentence meant to show what I think is the crux of my addiction, this peak of internet celbrity anyone playing warcraft at the time would honor my position very highly.)

Going into college I got a degree in media broadcasting, in hopes of having some inside track to gaming culture. I have realavent skills in webdesign, writing, photography, audio, webcasting, you name it. Fastforward 4 years later, still can't earn a paycheck with these skills, and I'm stuck in my middle management position for a local grocer. 

Now heres the Issue:

I feel like I want to abbandon gaming as I can see it fills no necessary roles in my life. I had hopes of it providing money, food, shelter, but ultimately it feels unrealistic. However, I look all around me at different avenues and nothing really fills my hunger like gaming.

Over the years I have always focused heavily on Player vs Player experiences. The best rush in the world for me is beating an opponet when both players are given the exact same toolset. I cannot emphasize this enough, I love the competetive aspect the gaming offers. The rush in a competetive CS:GO game heavily surpasses any dopamines from hiking, painting, dancing, reading; I AM FRUSTRATED NOTHING IS MORE ENJOYABLE THAN GAMING!?!?

Truthfully leaving gaming for another competetive hobby seems pointless is an addiction to pet grooming and pet shows any better? But, gaming has bread this love of competetion and this is what I think I need help with. I honestly just see other humans as competetion; its done great for my work life and sex life sicne I'm kind of a huge ego driven, results oreinted individual.

The fear comes when I look at my life. I'm doing well at work, decent social life, but I am not really learning any new skills. My brain refuses to open the door to any other activity!! I try to focus on something new and different, soon I will relate the experience to a similar video game and wonder why waste time learning this new thing when I have a world of entertainment in gaming?

 

 

I know its unhealthy, but when I try to escape I can't it just fills all of my subliminal urge... this really is a cry for help if anyone can talk sense into me...

I've been excersing recently, swimming is good for my bad limbs, and I have felt good about getting out of the house except this is only an hour or two per day. 

I've also been getting into poker, black jack, all kinds of gambling trying to make profit on gaming, and this urge... it hasnt been terrible since I take pride in my game and learning the intrices.. but idk can someone really not convince me theres more out there?

I know the habit is bad but literally cannot find any excitement in any other long term activities. And feel like anything that could take me away from gaming wouldn't benefit me finiacially or shelter needs, so why persue them?

Crying Gamer

Ritchy
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welcome

Welcome Dennis.  It's totally normal and expected that when a compulsive gamer stops gaming, it hurts, we have no motivation for other things, everything else reminds us of gaming, we have strong urges to go back, life seems pointless and bland and too hard.  I don't know whether to call it withdrawal symptoms or brains-scrambled-by-obsessive-gaming syndrome or addict brain or what.  I just know it's normal and that those of us who have stopped and stayed stopped and worked on recovering from the damage have come out the other side with new energy, motivation, peace of mind, and positivity.  If you're like me, you're now thinking, "Well a recovery program might have worked for you guys, but not me.  I'm different."  This too is normal and expected.

Whenever you're ready to try out a new way of living, something that has worked well for dozens of other people much like you, come to some meetings and listen.  You're worth it.  The schedule of meetings that have people in them is below.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts

 

Isyckle
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Welcome

Welcome to OLGAnon Dennis, I am proud that you are joining us and sharing with us a part of your journey to a game free life.

I have the feeling that we both share a common thread, we are passionate about what we get involved in. The thing is with passion, whether it is for games, gambling, music, crafts, drugs, rock and roll, sometimes even the slightest margin of error cannot be tolerated.

Once I understood that i could not game anymore, the gaming habit scycle was easy to break.

Cue - Routine - Reward

Once you remove one of the 3 elements of an habit, then you can take control back on your life. You seem to have developped mechanism to replace either the routine or reward part of your gaming routine with some exercice. That is already an amazing step toward a recovery.

I am again, happy and thankful that you shared with us a part of your life.

Before I leave you I would like to share a quote from the song "This is now" from Hatebreed:
Cause this is now,
How can I change tomorrow, if I can't change today,
This is now,
If I control myself, I control my destiny.

I will not game today.

Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed

wazzapp
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Thank you for coming here and

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I get great insights from reading your experience. Please come back to read & post more.

If u wish, i would recommend u to find a face-to-face meeting aswell and share your thoughts and feelings. If there's no Olga-meeting in your area, then i would recommend NA :)

I wish u luck! See u around!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Lisa3333
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welcome!

Welcome Dennis!  Take a look at my response to someone else who I think has gone through what you and I have. http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-gamers/have-lost-all-interest-life

Simple solution to addiction is a 12 step program of recovery.  It's the medicine for our disease.  As people in AA would say stick with the winners who have implemented a solution and who have what you want and follow their path and you get better.

If you are an addict, you probably will try as AA says alot of easier softer ways that truly aren't in terms of therapy, meds, groups, visiting your childhood "trauma'....Addiction is a disease of denial.  It will convince you to minimize and equate your gaming with being equal to watching too much Netflix, will make you spend hours in therapy or take meds to protect itself yet in the end none of those "solutions"/"medicines" work. 

Maybe your only problem is simply you're an addict and for that there is a single solution. 

I would suggest in addition to any online meetings here for video game addiction that you spend the next 90 days going 1 time a day to some local face to face AA meetings and listen.  You will hear an answer to your struggles and not feel alone.  Don't give up before the miracle happens -go where the solution is and select the meetings there as well as here to be ones that give a concrete plan of action and offer you hope, and avoid both real life and online meetings and people that don't.

 

Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014

wazzapp
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I have to agree with Lisa3333

I have to agree with Lisa3333's recommendations. I also did "90/90" which means one face-to-face meeting per day for 90 days. It helped me a lot. Good luck! And thanks again for coming to this forum!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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