Whenever I go to an Alcoholics Anonymous or Marijuana Anonymous meetings I generally begin my story with "My first addiction was video games. I isolated in virtual worlds because I had no friends, but then I found weed and alcohol to be the catalyst for beginning to have a social life."
I type this before all of you today with a solid 6 years sober off of marijuana and alcohol. I have been happy with the spiritual life that I have grown and with the sober community that I have built up around me, but my life is still in shambles.
At 6 months sober, I was on top of the world. I was in a long term treatment center and at 6 months they let me enroll in community college. The first day of school I leaped out of bed at 6:30am with tremendous energy. I had worked the 12 steps, recovered from drug addiction, and was ready to begin the newest chapter of my life. For about half a year I was a wonderful student. I would return back to the treatment center, eager to do my homework, and would do every last assignment. I aced all my classes.
But then a shift happened... I graduated treatment with 1 year sober and I got my phone and laptop back. My 5 year regression would begin then...
I got accepted into my city's 4-year University, but my performance would never be as good as it was in community college. I moved out of my sober home and into a house with my new best friend. We both played League of Legends, and we would do it all day, every day.
I skipped class. I stayed up until 3-4am gaming. My sleep schedule was a wreck. I stuffed my face with sugar and constantly gamed. Occasionally I would feel productive by going to the gym, but would blow off all the truly important stuff in my life by gaming or watching Netflix. I failed classes, had to drop out of classes, and barely managed to graudate with a 2.0 GPA in my core classes.
I could go on and on about the consequences of video games in my life and how they have manifested for me, but I'd like to fast forward to what's happening today.
I can't stop gaming. I lost my job and spend all of my time gaming. Hours and hours and hours. I'm either at an AA meeting or video gaming, ignoring my responsibilites and I just ran out of money. I have $8,800 credit card debt, $13 in my bank account, and a student loan payment about to bill me next week and I don't have the money to pay it, nor a job.
I just keep playing video games. I tried deleting all the video games off my computer, but I just ended up perpetually on my phone playing Hearthstone. Eventually, I redowloaded the games on my computer. Finally, I was fed up and deleted Hearthstone, WoW, Steam, and League of Legends off all my devices including phone. I feel proud temporarily, but then I find loopholes.
For the last few weeks, I am constantly gaming on browser games. All sh**ty stuff too. Minesweeper, Bloons Tower Defense, Slither, and Skribbl. I just can't stop gaming. It's the first thing I do when I wake up and I just stay up late watching TV or playing games.
My monetary situation is about to come CRASHING down on my head and it's all because I played video games instead of picking up my responsibilities. I'm out of time and I'm terrified. I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I'm about to finish this post, hit submit, and then muscle memory click over to some video game and procrastinate even further.
I need help so bad.... I can't iterate enough how terrified I am.
Friends and family don't understand. They just don't think I have enough willpower. I mean... I don't. I can't do this alone anymore... I need help before I become homeless.