Leaving Second Life

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damaged
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Joined: 03/19/2017 - 5:05pm
Leaving Second Life

Hi everyone. I am actually a returning gamer who was pretty addicted to the virtual reality chat game, Second Life but managed to quit for a while. I relapsed and the 2nd time in I sort of went deeper. Before, I was addicted to shopping and the escape, and didn't really socialise. When I relapsed a few years ago, or as I saw it at the time "trying again", and "doing things properly this time", I fell into the whole SL family thing because of an inadequate one in the first life, and was hooked for a long time.

In RL, I never really saw myself as a horrible/bad person. I had and have people in my RL who love me and who I have incredibly lighthearted and joyful relationships with. Healthy relationships. But in SL, when I started to open up to people (usually very introverted) and let people in, I started to wonder if I had a severe problem. I was on the receiving end of so much manipulation, chaos, "drama" as they call it, snide comments and sometimes outright ugly name-calling when I tried to assert myself, and I have to say, I feel like it has left me pretty damaged. Before, I was one to keep myself to myself and I liked it that way - exploring places when I felt like it and just being my own company. But somehow the allure of a second family - in my naive hope that it would be a good replacement for my not-so-great first one - was too strong and it made me brave enough to try socialising there. After years of it, it eventually taught me some harsh lessons like not putting my trust and hopes on just anybody to fulfil a deep, aching need, and that socialising on there is risky and dangerous.

I was made to feel worthless, disposed of, wrong, like I didn't matter, and undeserving of fairness. I guess it would be classified as cyber-bullying. The people were the people who lured me in with smiles and niceness and the promise of love, and yet were willing to throw me away at a moment's notice when I asserted myself when I felt like I hadn't been treated nicely.

I had learnt that saying anything that they didnt like would result in verbal punishment. I started blaming myself, and along with keeping my feelings to myself, I would think self-blaming things like "I don't want to cause a scene again.".

Slowly, the cracks in the images that I'd created in my mind of these people - protective loving people who would take me under their wing - started to show. I started feeling repulsed whenever I saw their names or saw them type, but I didn't say anything about it of course. I just wanted to take a million steps back.

When I left, I still blamed me. And usually in RL I do have some kind of backbone, but these people broke me. I tried to leave in the nicest way possible, saying that they will be forever in my heart etc etc, and I said that I didn't want to cause any more arguments. In reality I just wanted ****ing out of there.

Now when I think of the place it makes me feel sick. I can't be there on my own now. I am uncomfortable. I don't want it. I want RL. And I guess that's a good thing, that I may not be ADDICTED addicted... but I do know that I have been addicted in the past so I wanted to join here again so that I can have some reinforcement that my choice to leave was a good one.

I had one close friend there, and I will miss her so much :( But at least we have skype, so that's good.

I can say hand on heart that I have never, ever been treated so badly by people who are outside of my family as I have in SL. Even bullying at school was not this bad. I spent so many nights in extreme fits of crying in bed over these people.

I would like to join this site to get strength so that I don't go back.
The good thing is is that I've learned a lot of lessons and I guess in a way it's made me stronger. But sometimes I wish that I had never let anyone in in the first place.

Thank you for this community.
damaged

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Damaged

Hi Damaged

Welcome to OLGA. I'm glad you are here. We hope to keep this forum as a safe place for people to share their experiences and find recovery. Thanks for sharing your story.

All the best to you in your new journey into real life.

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damaged
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Joined: 03/19/2017 - 5:05pm
Thank you Polga <3

Thank you Polga <3

I logged in today, and TP'd to an empty sim to leave my avatar there. I'd been sent an IM by someone. They were asking if I'd attend an event they were planning. I logged right out again.

I can't. I hate the place. I feel sick being there. I feel sick being around people there. I am so, so done.

Yet I logged in to see if I had any messages. Wtf? Why?

It is a life-sucking, draining hellhole because of the people more than anything else.
They're all pretty much addicted just like I was.
They didn't understand my needs to be creative there. It surprised them and it seems like they thought it was sad really.
They didn't understand why I liked moving land and trying new things.
They didn't understand my goofiness.
They didn't understand my humour.
They didn't understand so many aspects of myself, that it felt like they didn't want me to just be ME.

So attend an event for one of the people who would judge me, judge others when talking to me, and always raise the metaphorical eyebrow when I veered away from the status quo of the clique?

No. **** that sh**. I've got a life to live. And despite family issues growing up in the offline; the world; the physical... for the most part it's been a million times better than THERE.

I left my land. I was happy.
I had a great weekend.
I appreciate life offline. No matter how much you fool yourself you can't beat real. Get those senses taking it all in again and realise how much you've missed. <3
The virtual world is a lie.

wazzapp
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Joined: 01/04/2015 - 10:59am
Thanks for sharing, keep

Thanks for sharing, keep coming back <3

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Awakened
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Joined: 05/03/2011 - 11:34am
I've been off gaming for a

I've been off gaming for a few years now, and I still get the temptation to go on once in a while to start up again. When that happens, I come here to read comments like yours which seems to jolt my memory as to why I quit. Don't give up, please find better things in real life as you deserve that so much. Take care, and stay strong!

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