Nowhere else left to turn, in dire need of help. (Very Long Read)

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
Tariana
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 02/07/2015 - 8:32pm
Nowhere else left to turn, in dire need of help. (Very Long Read)

Hello, my name is uh Tariana, this post may be very long but I simply have had too much on my mind the last few weeks to cope with it all on my own. I suffer from severe social anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia that has developed from my addiction. I barely go outside, only about 3 times a month to see my psychiatrist, but other than that, my life has been the internet and 2 mmorpgs for 9 years. To even write this message brings me tremendous anxiety to the point I can barely control my body's shaking, but I need to reach out to someone, anyone really.

I'm not sure if my problem isn't really that relatable to anyone here but I will try. Throughout my entire childhood I always felt something was wrong with me, that something wasn't right, that to be blunt, I felt as if I was born incorrectly. I had an unyielding desire, a feeling that I was really a girl and not a boy, I had no internet access growing up so I felt like I was alone, a freak.

To cope with all these feelings I started playing Final Fantasy XI Online, I had assumed a female identity and immediately fell in love with the game. I felt whole, like I was my true self, but this attachment made me forget more and more about the real world. The junior high school I attended at the time was very lenient with me due to my superb grades, they let me pass grade 7 despite my very low attendance and let me do summer school at to pass grade 8. Grade 9 however they no longer said I had any leeway and I had to attend to pass to High School, but at that point it was too late, my entire existence became centered on one thing: Living my female life on FFXI. People loved me, thought I was cute and adorable, it gave me such a feeling of warmth and happiness I never felt before, I was also in a group of friends who become my foster family as other than my mom the rest of my family basically stopped associating with me, including the one real life friend I had.

I ended up eventually started getting into endgame on FFXI, the real meat of the game, and that is where I met the only person up to this point I've had a serious relationship with. Also at this point I felt confident enough to tell some of my closest people I knew that I was transgender, and the reaction was suprisingly positive, enough so that I finally came out about it in real life, where the reception wasn't as pleasant. No one believed me, they said it was just the game warping my brain since I had no real social interactions for a few years at this point, they refused to acknowledge how I felt even when I was little, it was completely devestating, and only gravitated me even deeper into the game. The only person who believed me was my Mother, who set me up with therapists yet again. I been seeing therapists for years for my social anxiety while hiding how I was feeling, and none of them helped me. Even after knowing my true feelings the doctors still refused to help me, saying my gaming habits and my anxiety were too much of a hinderance, I started to feel hopeless.

On FFXI I delevoped a serious online relationship with a guy who deeply cared about me, he also knew how I was in real life so I was overjoyed. He too had troubles managing his playtime, and our relationship didn't help that much, we'd be with each other for days, glued together. We'd stay up all night at times just talking, it was the first time I fell in love. He was also a very prestigious endgame player and got me into the server's number 1 english endgame group. I was in this group till I stopped playing FFXI, we were always regarded as elite, the best of the best, we'd do events every day to make money for our members, we'd make millions of in game money, which I used to acquire pretty much all the top end gear in the game for my classes. It all came at a cost though, the extensive 'work days' kept me away from my online family who felt like I abandoned them, which they had a right to feel. I had so much in game money at this point that I had nothing to do with it, so I'd buy stuff for my boyfriend or my friends, 50 million spent here, another 20m there, 30m here, it was no biggie, but people were not happy. They wanted me and not my money, they wanted their friend back. It all felt like I had my life sort out: I had a job where I was extremely wealthy, a lovely boyfriend, and friends who cared a lot for me, what I failed to realize, is that it was all a game, all meaningless, and that reality hit me hard one day...

My boyfriend wanted to break up with me, even though he loved me dearly, he felt like he was doing a bad job cause I was always unhappy, always sad. He also wanted to end his gaming habit and enlisted in college, saying it was time to change his life, and that he prayed I would too, so we could meet one day. Our 3 year relationship came to an end, and I was heartbroken, he was my only friend in my endgame team, I felt alone and isolated, my other friends had moved on to FFXI's successor: Final Fantasy XIV Online: A Realm Reborn, they insisted I joined them for a while, but I was deeply hesitant. I would lose everything I garnered in FFXI over my 8 year 'career' but it was at that point I realized, it was the friends that always mattered and not the game, and I made the switch.

I feel as if the cycle is beginning anew on FFXIV, and I feel like if it truly does, it'll be the end of my life, I've been playing for 9 months now and I've become just as attached to 14 as I was to 11. I've met a whole assortment of new friends, all of them who I greatly value and enjoy, I've even been open with my anxiety due to FFXIV raid teams using voice communication (my group on 11 didn't use it). I was able to fool people with my voice that I am a biological female and the result has been amazing, I get commented and complimented all the time about my skill on the game just like 11, It's just too addicting, too satisfying.

Now I talk finally about what has motivated me to reach out. My laptop which I used to play my other life has suffered a hard drive failure, and I've been unable to play for 2 weeks now while it has been sent away for repairs. I've been going through severe withdrawl and depression, thoughts are constantly rushing through my head about how this is the end result of abandoning my life 9 years ago. I have no friends, no family, I sit in my bedroom alone all day with nothing to do, and thoughts of suicide are all I think about. I can't handle it anymore, my therapist is about to terminate her relationship with me and the last time I called suicide crisis it felt futile as I couldn't properly express myself. I sit here writing this, with my 1500 and 120 days spent on 11/14, as if I'm on my last thread of life, to call out to a place where I feel people could somewhat understand me. I'm dearly sorry for the essay I just wrote, I just... just had to express myself or I felt like I'll die. With sincere regards, thank you for taking the time if you did to read this.

Andrew_Doan
Andrew_Doan's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 month 1 week ago
OLG-Anon memberOLGA memberOutreach
Joined: 06/13/2011 - 9:37am
You should attend meetings.

You should attend meetings. The link is in my signature.

Thank you for sharing your story and glad you found OLGA.

Because you have thoughts of suicide, I encourage you to seek professional help also! At one point, I thought about suicide too. It's a horrible place to be in. Life is worth it and often we cannot see how our situations will improve.

Internet gaming disorder will make our mental dysfunctions worse and can increase suicidal thoughts too.

Andrew Doan MD PhD

My Videos: Internet gaming disorder is real & my story 

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy or Department of Defense.

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 hours 35 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Tariana Glad you are

Hi Tariana

Glad you are here.

I would encourage you to read some of the other stories on this forum that may inspire you to make some changes to your life.

You are not always going to feel the way you do at the moment. Excessive gaming alters your brain chemistry. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to heal. You may need to quit altogether to do so.

With work, your life will change for the better.

Your hard drive breaking may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Hold on and take care of yourself. (((Hugs))

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Tariana
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 02/07/2015 - 8:32pm
Thank you for the

Thank you for the encouraging responses, I really mean it. I have been trying to get professional help for the last 10 years, but not for gaming addiction, it's been for my social anxiety disorder but my excessive mmo habits always got in the way. My therapist said she didn't know if there was anyone around where I lived who specialized in internet/gaming disorder, I felt totally trapped. Anyway I'll do my best to keep my head up during this dark time, thank you again. ((hugs))

Scott
Scott's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 07/01/2010 - 1:17pm
Sounds like the hard drive

Sounds like the hard drive failure was exactly what you need at this point in life. Your withdrawals symptoms are very familiar to us. I went through them too. You sound just like the rest of us, as we all felt out of place and alienated, and we hid out in the games.

Our meeting list is http://olganon.org/?q=node/46551

At the meetings, you will find understanding and acceptance. In them, I found a new way of living that allowed me to get back into life and be true to myself and my goals and relationships. This is your chance for change. I hope you can grasp onto it before the games drag you back under.

What you feed grows, and what you starve withers away.

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 hours 35 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
My adult son has social

My adult son has social anxiety since he isolated himself with his computer after he quit college. He was fine before that, although a little on the shy side maybe. His life has basically come to a stand still although I hope he will start to make changes for himself.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Lisa3333
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 1 week ago
OLGA memberOLGA moderator
Joined: 04/21/2014 - 3:03pm
Welcome Tariana!  Big

Welcome Tariana! Big hugs!!! It's amazing how all of us gamers landed in the same place - isolated in a room behind a screen with our only friends and relationships and sense of identity being our online ingame self. I can say that I didn't have social anxiety until after my gaming became an addiction but some tough things in my life (my mom dying) played a role in my turning to gaming to escape from my real life at the time which felt dark and painful, so I can relate to your feelings you shared. What helped me the most was coming to the online meetings held here - there are at least four a day in the link above in Scott's message. I can say that I'm grateful to the many many other recovering gamers here who I could talk to and who totally understood. Hope to see you in one!

Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014

Reddog
Reddog's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 11 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 07/13/2014 - 2:20pm
Hello and welcome Tariana!

Hello and welcome Tariana! Thank you for sharing your story. I related to much of what you said. Many of us became addicted to the ability to be who we want to be in games instead of the way we present ourselves in the real world.

Do come to the meetings they are a huge help. It is real hard to stop gaming if you are addicted but pretty much impossible on your own.

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present"

orchid
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 12/07/2014 - 12:59am
I'm glad you found us here

I'm glad you found us here and found the courage to share your story. I relate to a number of the things you said. I'm not trans, but I have friends and a cousin who are, so I know a fair bit about the struggles they've experienced. I don't have social anxiety as extreme as yours, but I do have some. And I have really bad depression. I know what it's like to be lost in my head and only able to think about suicide and how to escape from feeling so miserable (and I've been in the hospital a few times for depression). And I can relate to the misery of withdrawal since that's what I've been dealing with the last couple weeks.

The meetings here and CGAA are a huge part of what's gotten me through this time without returning to gaming. I don't know what mental health resources are available to you, but it also makes a big difference to find ones that address the stuff you're dealing with. Also, if the social anxiety is getting in the way of coming to meetings, know that you can come and listen and not have to say anything. If it's getting in the way of finding a new therapist and your family is supportive, ask them for help. You may not feel like it right now, but you're worth it, and life can get better than it is now.

Log in or register to post comments