Only play online casino games but I am a recovering alcoholic and gambling addict-cross addiction?

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Skate
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Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
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Joined: 03/30/2015 - 2:10am
Only play online casino games but I am a recovering alcoholic and gambling addict-cross addiction?

I have 21+ years sober from alcohol and 10+ sober from gambling for money but I am finding myself playing online casino video games compulsively and it feels like addiction to me.  I do it to mood alter and I am scared because it seems like I no sooner get clean from one addiction and I develop a cross-addiction.  It is like I have an empty hole in my soul and such a deep feeling of pain and shame that I will seize anything mood altering and take it to the limit and  beyond.  My job has been causing me to neglect myself and many other things in my life (this is not just me, everybody who does what I do has to struggle with this, just trust me on that).  I am aware of my part in the unmanageability of my life but that just makes me want to mood alter even more - shame, guilt, escape.  I need help.  Anybody else relate?

 

Sk8

Lisa3333
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Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
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Joined: 04/21/2014 - 3:03pm
Totally relate

Hi Kate!  Oh man can I totally relate to alot of your post.  You see, I too am a recovering alcoholic who had years of sobriety in AA who also is a gambling addict (didn't want to call it an addiction and never treated it because previously there weren't any casinos in my State or close States so it wasn't as obvious).  I too was working in a job that caused me to neglect things because I was traveling 70% of the time.  I then began playing online games and my life spiraled out of control, and I found myself in that terrible place with a head full of AA and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can't find true sobriety - full of guilt and pain and shame because I was dry, not sober - vicious cycle of beating myself up for not working the program that had saved my life, anger that I wasn't feeling the "happy, joyous, and free" that others in the program were and then turning that inward or toward my Higher Power.  You completely described how I felt - a hole in my soul, horrible guilt and shame and continuous cycle of switching addictions.  What has helped me is a number of things to get me back on track and to stop this cycle when the new addiction was gaming, I began coming to the online meetings here each day http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts

It helped me realize I wasn't alone and to take step 1 and begin recovery from my online computer gaming addiction.  I found so many in the meetings here that were like you and I, recovering alcoholics who had fallen into this online gaming addiction.  My sponsor in this program had 28 years of sobriety in AA.  It gave me the ability to begin to work the steps again because you see, because of the years I had in AA, it was really really tough to go to my AA meetings and be new again - be able to ask for help - because of the immense guilt and shame I felt for "not working my program, being a terrible power of example, abandoning the fellowship, loss of interest in my Higher Power and others, knowing I was living in self instead of experiencing the freedom from the bondage of self, etc etc etc etc".  It all started by my coming to the meetings here and beginning to work a "we" program.  I hope to see you in one.

Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014

Skate
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Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
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Joined: 03/30/2015 - 2:10am
Lisa, thank you so much – what I needed to hear

 I  just saw your post. You're describing how I feel perfectly. But I haven't seen the post till now means I haven't been online like I should be. You're right I feel shame at AA meetings because I am not really letting anyone in. Then I feel ashamed because I'm not doing it. It's almost like when I was drinking and gambloing,  I felt ashamed because I couldn't control drinking, gambling, etc. and manage my life. Now I'm pfeeling a chance because I can't do my program (S) perfectly. Emotional  sobriety is definitely a problem though my last drink was 22 years ago. Thank you for making me feel welcome and not alone. Sounds like this is where I need to be. 

 

Sk8

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