I don't really know what to say despite fantasizing about making this first post on the forum for the last year.
I'm a 21 year old university student (Matt) who's sick and tired of the self-sabotage I unleash on myself when I game. I've been gaming compulsively ever since I first learnt how to PC game *cough* PC master race *cough*. I am also in recovery from drugs, alcohol and bulimia - I'm really just a full-blown addict through and through.
I've been sitting some exams over the last week and have one more coming up, and I can't stop gaming.
Over the last few months I've gone back and forth not playing video games and then reinstalling them a day or even 12 hours later. It's so accessible nowadays with fibre optic internet... My university has really suffered as a result, in fact so has my schooling. My A-levels (AP equiv. in the UK) were atrocious, only just about making it into a foundation year at the University of Manchester (which was a saving grace. I then missed out on getting into the Maths school. Subsequently I joined the Computer Science school and do CS & Maths luckily. I flunked my first year through a combination of video game and drug addiction - perhaps more overtly drugs as I had to go into rehab. I'm now sober in my first year of university at 21 years old...
I stopped using and drinking, but something was still amiss. I turned to full blown bulimia, and when I couldn't I would game, until I was using them both as co-addictions feeding into each other. After many many months at a residential secondary care facility I went back into primary to address my eating disorder. I thought I had it sorted, but gaming was still there. Eating away at majority of my time, subverting the view of my friends as I'm known as and certainly entertain the idea of a procrastinator.
I've learnt that it's not the particular game as I was adamant it was a MOBA I used to play, and now it's Blizzard's Hearthstone . I've had one account banned, and recently had blizzard delete three other accounts to try quit gaming. And yet I still came back and created a new account days later. Forcing myself to grind through the numbing early levels of the game until I was hooked deep again. The amount of money I've poured into these accounts is unthinkable. If I'm brutally honest with myself it is very close to 3k GBP or perhaps even more. The money spent feeds into my self sabotage script and keeps the guilt/shame cycle progressing.
Anyways, I'm rambling here. I've been in my uni library for the past 4 hours playing Hearthstone, with all the best intentions of studying. I feel broken, defeated, worthless, but ready, because I know there is a solution and it's out there if I want it.
I've got a lot of solid work ahead of me. Really glad to be here.