Relapsed. Hate it but couldn't let go!

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Mauara
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Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
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Joined: 07/11/2016 - 7:58pm
Relapsed. Hate it but couldn't let go!

 

Once I did quit. My long term weakness has always been MMORPG, and now relapsed for the past 3 months to the same game. As we all know with MMORPG, it's endless, but hell do they give the sense of accomplishments. During my sessions I obviously feel so much fun because that's my 'hobby' especially if you love the game design in my case. I become very good at it and so content by the progress I've made so far. Although the only person I could brag to is myself. At the same time I also fully realize I've kept thinking again and again to myself whether all the time spent was worth it. Someday I have to quit after all. My defensive brain is always fighting inside as if 'play while you can', 'nothing knows what will happen to you so just have fun', etc... But again, the other side is always saying you could do something better. I tried but failed.

Anyone would think I'm already in a chronic and critical situation after reading the following.

 

As for work life:

* I have a full time job.
* I have a terrible competitive behavior (consider it a negative thing in this case), hence I do bring my laptop to work just to be sure I'm online as much as I could for doing literally anything on my free time.
* I have a good career progress, or so I thought to myself (even with this weird thing I've been doing at work!).
* I was recently selected to join a high-level program which almost guarantees a boost in my career even much higher, and instead of being grateful, I'm very frustrated by the amount of burden it will put me through, which means less time for me to be gaming.
* I get very easily offended, very critical with time so become a very impatient and temperamental person, easily stressed by excessive workload, anxious if not having access to the game, and the list goes on.
* My teammates (probably my boss too) get the side-effects of my short temper and may start thinking I'm an excessively strict person in a negative way as in not taking things calmly and professionally.

 

As for personal life:

* I'm married to a foreign national.
* When I quit months ago, I tried to learn new language as I know I will someday move to live in my spouse's home country (it's my dream too!), but it didn't work out. It took the toll on my brain and I couldn't even last 1 hour reading books or anything available online.
* Hell I couldn't even communicate with my in-laws due to language. Things might get worse when we have kids soon.
* Spouse seems okay with my daily routine playing games, but logically as fellow human being, I know no one would be okay being left alone every evening and only be together during dinner and bedtime past midnight. Hate to admit it might even lead to an unwanted affair in worst case.
* I always wanted to play piano but knowing how tedious learning is, always stopped me taking the next step.
* I hate going outside with anyone including family, because it means I couldn't be 'productive' by being online and progressing in the game.
* I have a PS4 but I'm not even concerned about consoles at all. I seem to only have interest on very specific type of console games which would probably only get me to buy 1-2 games per year. But without me realizing, there are chances that even my low interest on consoles could probably the one that leads me back to PC/MMORPG as I crave for more gaming.
* The obvious and short-term suggestion is obviously "take a break" so that I could come back feeling less guilt playing the game, but I know that doesn't solve anything and will eventually lead me back here.

 

I remember I read a comment which led me to quit months ago... "I don't want other people to ask me 'what do you do on your free time' or 'what are your life achievements recently' and having to answer that all my achievements were in virtual world. I wouldn't even want to say anything about my gaming life at all!" My families would even be embarrassed to even talk about it to any relatives or friends at all if they know about this.

I realized all the above in my conscious and healthy mind, but it's just so hard to let go. I could simply click 1 button and delete my character, but it's so painful knowing how much time and accomplishments I've put into it.

TommyLee
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Last seen: 2 weeks 5 days ago
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Joined: 02/21/2010 - 3:18pm
It is hard!

Sorry you are deailling with all of this!  Woulnd't be a problem in the 90s!  Have the same issue.  The games get in the brain!  The cost/benefit anaysis  - right on!  All the best as you break free, sincerely.  Do-able. 

Minecrutch
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Last seen: 3 years 3 months ago
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Joined: 07/11/2016 - 11:06pm
I remember when all my achievements were in minecraft

I wanted to say I built a really cool underground city and a cathedral and so much more, but no one cares and you sound like a dope for being proud of what you did in a game. Trying not to get ensnared again. I have no schedule so it's hard to fill up my time and I just want to game. 

What day is it?

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