Dear OLGA,
Let me introduce myself. I am an engineer. Or I should be, had I not thrown all my opportunities aside. It's been almost a year since my university graduation, but I have not landed a single job yet.
A bit of a history:
I've always been drawn to games. In my elementary schoolboy days, I would happily play on friends' Gameboys and N64s. When I received a computer, the natural transition would be to emulator/ROMs. I didn't play too too much, maybe 1-2 hours per day, 3-4 on a day off. (I did waste a lot of time reading walkthroughs and FAQs for enjoyment though) Seemed fine, kids gotta play!
Starting in junior high, I started playing MMORPGs. And it plagues me to this day. Those 3-4 hours sessions became 8-12 grindathons on days off. I studied and I gamed and did very little else. I thought everything was okay! My grades were excellent through high school. "Nothing wrong!" And so I kept the status quo.
I went to university for an engineering degree. I achieved extremely high grades, though I gamed, I gamed, I gamed and some studying on the side. (I sometimes even skipped a few lectures to play during those double exp/drop events) My classmates probably did less studying but more social stuff and/or worked, i.e. stuff that actually helped them land a job now. Nonetheless, to the outside eye, I looked like a star student. I thought to myself: "it'll be okay as long as I continued to get good grades!". And I did.
Upon graduation, I am thrown out into the real world. I skipped out on practicum (guess what I did instead of searching long and hard for a position?). I didn't start searching for jobs in my senior year (guess what I did instead?). Now I'm sitting at home all day (guess what I was doing?).
Employers in the real world don't want someone with no social skills and work experience, no matter how high your grades are.
Now, my observations throughout my gaming addiction:
-As the years went on, I have been sinking more and more time AND soul into games. In single player games, I played for fun. In MMORPGs, I gradually became an achievement addict. I strove for the best gear, and tried to be better than anyone I see. It stopped becoming a fun activity, but a mandatory chore. I used to stay with a game for 1-2 years. Now? Not even a month.
-I've also sunk more and more real-life money into these games. I used to play for free. Now, sometimes I sink $100+ a month on these games (only to move on to another game next month)
-I find nothing else in life more fulfilling than getting that epic-OP-dps gear. Those MMORPGs pretty much regulate my emotions. Got nice loot or item from cash shop RNG box? Looks like a happy day. Blew up gear or wasted money on those cash shop boxes? I'm gonna be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
-I dislike social activities (although I was shy in the first place). Consequently, I don't network well, exacerbating my current job-less situation.
I clearly need serious help, and I was hoping OLGANON would be able to provide that.
Thanks for reading!
Welcome, PY. I once heard and have since come to firmly believe that the best way to accomplish something we want is to (1) find people who have successfully accomplished the same (or similar) things and learn from them and (2) surround ourselves with the kind of people we want to be.
So, you're in luck! You've found people who have successfully stayed off games and turned their lives around for the better, and by listening to them at meetings and trying their suggestions, you can achieve similar results. You've also found a mutual support fellowship full of people working on similar things. I highly recommend getting to know them in meetings and making connections.
The full meeting schedule is at: http://olganon.org/?q=node/46551
It ain't easy, tough times lie ahead, but there are fairly simple suggestions to follow, plenty of support, and good company along the way. And every step of the journey is worthwhile. I can honestly say that I would not trade my worst day in recovery from gaming addiction for my best day gaming.
What you feed grows, and what you starve withers away.
Thank you for the welcome, Scott! Yes, I've attended a few of the meetings and found them quite therapeutic. It was very refreshing to reflect, especially in a group setting. In my gaming heydays, I had little motivation to think about life outside of games, outside of school assignments of course. However, I did have a few concerns about holding up the commitment. For the past few relatively game-free days, I've been mostly substituting my game-play with internet browsing: mostly news, email, job searches, and reading Lord of the Rings lore discussions. (I say relatively game-free because I would check MMORPG subreddits/news sites on reflex. I'm working on kicking that habit. Also, I've watched my brother play League of Legends. I have always enjoyed watching people play LoL, but really didn't like playing it myself. I see it as a spectator sport, but I digress...) Back on topic, so, I'm kind of afraid that wasting time on the internet will just replace my game addiction, which isn't much more fulfilling really. Which leads to fears of relapse. I remember that in my first year of university, I committed myself to stop gaming and focus on studying for exams. I actually didn't game at all for the entire studying period (a good two weeks). I filled the void with Youtube videos, which was slightly more manageable than games. But as soon as the exams were done (and great results came in), I celebrated by splurging out on gaming... for the entire summer. I naturally have an obsessive personality. When I start something (that I care about, that is), I see to it to the end. In MMORPGs, I'm always theory-crafting and optimizing my build/rotations or reading about it. However, that said, aside from games, the only other thing I say I tried hard in was school. Even though I routinely (and was eager) to help around the house with chores, I tend to do a half-assed (excuse my language) job. Now, the root of the problem was, despite not physically playing the game, I was still thinking about them or yearning to play them. My father would consistently criticize my workmanship, obviously noting the lack of thought that went into the task. He thinks of me as an egghead filled with theory and no practical knowledge. But the unfortunate truth is that I knew very little outside of the scope of my university courses. (And even that is fading the longer I'm out of school) Unless I conquer this addiction, I probably wouldn't be able to excel at a job that consisted of more than the simplest and repetitive tasks, much less an engineer. When you're designing, one misstep or oversight can jeopardize the product, or put people in danger. I just don't think I can do a good design job if games are on my mind all the time.
Welcome Yorick! I graduated and am working as a Chemist. Many in our meetings are in school for engineering and some of our members just graduated medical school. This addiction doesn't discriminate and can grab anyone. You described alot of my addict thinking about my mmo - the focus on achievements, skill rotation sets, gear, double xp/drop weekends, when not gaming the mental obsession/nonstop thoughts about gaming. What works is first coming to the meetings, then getting a sponsor here who can help share their experience but also explain the 12 steps that we individually work and have found will get rid of those thoughts of gaming. Just the meetings don't do that by themselves. Hang in there - there is a solution to this. Hope to see you in one of the meetings!
Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014
Thank you Lisa. Unfortunately, it's true that no matter how prestigious or vigorous the subject we are studying, game addiction can still quite easily grip us. Actually, I think the higher stress make us even more prone to gaming. Yes, I used to think that since I was a high-performing student in a relatively demanding field, my excessive gaming wouldn't have much repercussions. In fact, I was kind of proud that I was able to put so many hours into my games and still excelled in my studies. I felt like I was breaking the popular mold of a game addict: unsuccessful, unemployed school dropout. But I was wrong. All wrong. School's done, and here I am, unsuccessful and unemployed. There was so much things I could done while I was in school to supplement my resume. So much squandered opportunities. I certainly was capable of doing a minor or specialization. But I didn't, since that would cut into my gaming time. I could have volunteered, took part in extracurricular school projects, or even worked part-time (despite having enough funds from scholarships). But I didn't. I could have submitted job applications - while the market was still hot - alongside my studies. But I didn't. My excuse was that games helped suppress my stress and motivate me for the next test. I picked my poison and now I get to bathe in humiliation and regret. Right now, I just find it useful to channel all of these negative emotions into stopping myself from touching a game. I guess that's the difference between now, and back then.
Hi Yorrick,
I too have worried about the things I could have done, or should have done, or would have done if I were not tired/distracted/angry/busy/addicted. I have used a lot of energy over the course of my life beating myself up over what I could had done rather than simply doing what I am capable of in the moment.
Certainly, it is a character defect, yet it's simply something we have grown into expecting of ourselves: self-pity and self-destruction. The point of the fellowship is for us to learn to grow beyond that mindset and become useful to one another, or higherpower(s), and ourselves. We are very good at maintaining our insanity by condemning ourselves for it, but have next to no idea how to help ourselves.
The point of the program is for us to share our common experience so that we can stay clean, and then continue to help others who struggle to have a chance to recover. Don't be too hard on yourself; it is good to motivate yourself to do the best you can, but expecting perfection will only bring you down. I look forward to seeing you at the meetings.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me to be realistic about the challenge I'm facing and to take good care of myself. If you need help PM me! I will gladly offer you whatever aid I can.