Addicted 19 year old

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cpaump25
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Addicted 19 year old

I just found out about this website yesterday, after speaking to a counselor at my son's college. I am almost positive my son is addicted to Final Fantasy.

My son just turned 19 and is in his second semester at college. I just found out he failed his mid-terms. He is already on academic probation from last semester because he failed all of his classes. I called the school When I told the counselor that I suspected the problem was an addition to online gaming, she sent me an article that was just published in the school's newspaper 2 weeks ago about this very issue, and the article mentioned this website.

My son has been in gifted classes all throughout school. When he reached high school, his grades started dropping a little. He was accepted to a gifted high school for 11th and 12th grade and lasted only the first quarter. I assumed it was because he had never lived away from home before, but as I think back now it was probably because he had limited internet access. Reluctantly, I let him return to the local high school with his friends. He assured me that the grades would be better if I let him come home. He started skipping school. I would only find out when I got a letter from the school board saying that he had missed excessive days from school, and was about to reach the limit of days missed to pass for that year.

His senior year was even worse. He again started skipping school, and his grades again suffered. He would miss as many days from school that he was allowed to still graduate. The last semester, I actually started bringing him to school myself. He was staying up all night long on the computer. I removed the computer from his room and locked it in a closet in my bedroom. He was very angry. A few weeks later, I happened to check in his room and saw his computer. He had removed the hinges from my closet door to get the computer. I hadn't even noticed it. I then brought his computer to my sister's house.

I allowed him to use my computer for school. I didn't realize he had loaded Final Fantasy on my computer and would play when I was not home.

He did graduate, and I thought things were getting better. He assured me that he would not jeapordize his college education, especially when I was paying for it. Even though his high school GPA went down, he scored high on the ACT and did receive some scholarships. All I really had to pay for was the dorm, etc. The first month of college was okay. I talked to him at least once a week. Then around mid terms last fall, I hadn't heard from him for 3-4 weeks. I was concerned, but thought he is 18, in college, and doesn't need his mom checking up on him. When I found out he failed his mid terms, I went to the school to find him. He assured me it was all a mistake and he would speak to his professors about the grades. Like a fool, I believed him. In December, when the final grades came out, they were the same. He again said there was a mistake and would make appointments with his professors to get them fixed.

I allowed him to enroll in the spring with the understanding that he only had 30 days to appeal his grades from the fall semester. He came home from college the first two weekends, second weekend being his birthday. That was the last time I saw him (January 28). I can never reach him by cell phone. He leaves it on vibrate (he says in case it went off in class). The only way I could reach him was by instant messenging. The last contact I have had with him was the second week of February. I spoke to him on a Tuesday, by instant messenger and then by phone, and he said he had appointments with his professors scheduled in 2 days. That day came and went and I have not been able to get a hold of him since.

My suspicions were confirmed when I saw his mid term grades, then received an email from the school counselor requesting that he come in to talk about his grades.

On Monday morning, I plan to go to the college, find him, and give him 2 options: (1) withdraw from school and come home to work this out, or (2) if he refuses, I will take his car and debit card with me and he is on his own. I have made an appointment with a psychologist in the hope that he will choose option 1 and come home. At this point, if he continues this semester, the college will not let him enroll next semester. He doesn't work and will have nowhere else to go but home.

The school counselor agreed with my decision. Last semester, I tried talking to the school about his grades and was told they could not discuss anything with me. I couldn't even get in the dorm without calling him to let me in. The counselor told me that if I could prove that he was my dependent, they would have to talk to me.

I know Monday will not be easy. I now realize the signs have been there for a few years. I just had no clue about someone being addicted to video games - especially to this extent.

He just got his driver's license about 2 weeks before he went to college. He never expressed an interest in getting his license in high school. He doesn't care about monetary things (clothes, etc.)

I did notice when he came home last semester that he had lost weight. Over the past couple of years, he has all but completely distanced himself from everyone in the family. All he wanted to do was stay in his room on the computer. He would eat up there, and come out only to take a shower.

Thinking back now, I recognize other signs. He never got involved at school. He would socialize with his friends, but they were also into this online game. One of his friends, who was one of the valedictorians, also skipped school, only he was able to keep up his grades. This friend's father also plays Final Fantasy. For some reason, my son was not able to maintain that control.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I keep blaming myself for not taking action sooner, for letting it get to this level. At least in high school, he was able to break it off when it came to not graduating. He assured me college would be different and I believed him. The signs were all there and I missed them, or didn't recognize them for what they really were. I just assumed it was normal teenage stuff. We used to be so close, he could talk to me about anything. Not hearing from him at all for 6-7 weeks has been killing me. I told myself I would wait until mid terms and if they were what I suspected I would take action. That has now happened and it is killing me to have to do this.

How do you deal with the guilt of knowing you couldn't have done something sooner that may have prevented it from getting to this point?

Gamersmom
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Oh, cpaump25, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I'm sitting here crying after reading your story because it is almost identical to my son's story, and I so remember those feelings of guilt and desperation, and the scary feelings when you know somethig terrible is going on and you can't get ahold of him at school. Your plans are right on target. Good for you. He will never be able to pass his classes until he is game-free for several months, so he needs to withdraw from all of them right now and come home. Even if he promises he will quit gaming and catch up in his classes, his brain is so scrambled right now that he will not be able to. If he refuses to withdraw, you are right to cut off support. Hopefully he will agree to come home. The psychologist appointment is a good idea too. I think he should be evaluated for suicide risk before you cut off his support. Not knowing him, I don't know if that is an issue, but it has been for other kids, including Liz's kid which is why this site exists today.
Don't beat yourself up. Yes, all the signs were there, but if you didn't know that gaming addiction exists, how could you do anything about it? This thing has taken us all by surprise. The thing to do now is to take action and move forward. Don't look back.
Kudos to your son's university and counselor for their awareness of gaming addiction and FERPA issues (though they should have talked to you first semester when you first contacted them). When you go to his school on Monday, be sure you bring a copy of the first page of your 1040 where he is listed as a dependant. Just black out the dollar amounts. That is all the proof you need that he is a dependant. If you wouldn't mind, could you PM me the name of his University and the counselor (or just the university if yoou're not comfortabkle giving me the counselor's name)--just ckick on my screen name to bring up my profile and scroll down to the bottom for the personal message option. I want to contact them and congratulate them on their awareness and find out what sort of measures they have put in place to deal with gaming issues.
In the meantime, read as many of the posts on this site as you can over the weekend so you know as much as possible about this problem. Read the posts from gamers so you know what your son is going through so you can see it from his side. Keep in mind that these games are designed by people who purposely make them as engaging as possible (the gaming industry gives an award every year for the most addictive game), so it is not entirely your son's fault that he got sucked in. Make sure you tell him you know that and give him a big hug and promise him you will do all you can to support him in his efforts to get past this. You will notice that he doesn't make eye contact and has a lot of trouble with verbal, face to face communication. This is normal. He's an empty shell right now and it will break your heart to see him that way (make sure you have plenty of Kleenex in your pocket when you go). Read the posts from parents in the friends and family section so you know you are not alone, and you can get an idea of what other parents have faced and how they have dealt with it.
If you need answers to questions, just post them here and they will be answered promptly. It just occurred to me that I can't tell from your post if you are a mom or a dad. I'm guessing you're a mom. If so, is there a dad involved? (or vice versa?) If so, you BOTH need to be on the same page about this. Have his other parent read this site too, if possible. Again, don't beat yourself up. You are a good parent and you are on exactly the right track now. Hang in. ((((((((((more hugs)))))))))

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Thank you for your reply.A I am a mom. Every time I starting thinking about this, I start crying. I love my son very much and want to do anything I can to help him through this. I definitely plan to tell him that. I want him to know I will be there for him no matter what it takes, but I can't allow this to continue. He went from a kid who wanted to go to MIT, to settling for the state college where a lot of his friends are going, to not even going to class. He is so smart and has so much potential. He has always been able to get buy in school without much effort (even in the gifted classes). I always considered myself lucky that he was not going out drinking or doing drugs. He would come home late, but I knew where he was and who he was with. He was upstairs at home or at a friend's house. His friend's dad even plays Final Fantasy with them. This is the article the counselor referred me to.A http://media.www.lsureveille.com/media/storage/paper868/news/2007/02/26/News/Video.Game.Addiction.Plagues.Students-2742426.shtml My son goes to LSU in Baton Rouge, LA.A I asked the counselor if she was noticing more and more students withdrawing due to this addiction.A She said the counselors really did have much information about it because it is not illegal.A If it were a drug or alcohol addiction, and the student was caught with drugs or alcohol, it is illegal and then became a disciplinary issue.A But because online gaming is not illegal, and the students are usually in their dorm rooms while gaming online, they really don't know how many students are involved. It doesn't help that that my son is in the IT dorm either.A The dorm actually has online gaming parties every now and then.A I don't think my son has ever been involved in that because I think most of the kids are into other online games, not Final Fantasy which is his game of choice. My husband and I are on the same page.A My husband is actually my son's stepfather.A His real father was never really around, and he hasn't spoken to him in years. When I called the psychologist, he referred me to an online gambling therapist.A The therapist agreed it was an addiction just like any other and suggested that I have my son evaluated by the psychologist first to make sure there were no other issues going on. The appointment is not until March 28th though, so I am not sure whether to remove the computer when he comes home now or wait until after the appointment.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I can relate to the crying everytime you think about it. I have a terrible tendency to spontaneously start crying in public, especially in church, when I start to pray for my son, but also when I am on my other son's college campus and I look around at everything my gamerson missed out on, and lots of other places that remind me of the bright, energetic, witty kid he used to be. We've all told ourselves "at least he's not on drugs" at some point. Be prepared for him to hit you with that one too as an excuse for continuing to game. My kid was on the IT floor too. I think his roommate was just as addicted to the World of Warcraft as my son was. It's amazing that college counselors only think they need to be involved if there are illegal activities going on. I thought college counselors were concerned about anything that affected a student's academic progress. Well, at least they referred you to the news article and OLGAnon. That news article, or something like it, should be published in every college newspaper in the world. Kudos to LSU for printing it. Good for your husband that he is on the same page. I think one of the best thing that dads can do is to actively engage the gamer in "guy stuff" like sports (spectator or participant), hobbies (especially those involving building things or tinkering with things, which all good IT geeks like to do, or anything the kid used to like to do before the game. Dads don't always like to talk much, but just doing something together with a dad is good for a kid. Do your best to bring him home if he will come. Whether to cut him off entirely is a good question. If he will be at your house where you can monitor him, I think it's a good idea. You may want to temporarily disable your internet access or go to dial-up until things are sorted out. I don't know that it would be safe to just pull out all the support and leave him alone at a big U. without a gool evaluation first. In some of the families here, cutting a kid off completely precipitated a crisis that resulted in serious confrontation initially, then drastic action, and finally help for the kid. Good luck to you. It's a scary time, but I know that the realization that addiction to the game was the problem was eventually a relief to us, because we had imagined so many other terrible things that might have been the cause for our son's behavior. At least the problem had a name and we knew we weren't alone. You're not alone either. We are here for you. (((((((more hugs)))))))

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

How is your son now? Have things gotten any better?

Gamersmom
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Well, after flunking 2 semesters of college (SO glad we sent him to a state U and not an expensive private college) he came home. I think he pretty well understood what he had done to himself and decided on his own to spend that summer with his brother, working at an amusement park 3 states away. I felt comfortable sending him there with his brother to keep an eye on him, and because of the fact that there is no high-speed internet access in the dorms there. He worked sometimes over 70 hours a week in food service, where he was forced to interact with the public, which I think was good for him, as was getting outdoors every day, and having a fun place to spend his off time. He came home at the end of the summer and enrolled in JC. He got a job at UPS at night. He failed his first semester, I think because he was playing off-line games at night. He thought he could handle the off-line games, but I think that once a kid is addicted, they really can't handle anything in the way of videogames. Watch out for that when you bring your son home. We took everything electronic out of his room and locked up his computer for awhile. He seems to be doing well this semester, so we're hoping things are turning around, though we haven't seen his midterm report yet. He interacts more with the family, goes out to movies with his friends from work, and reads mysteries (we made him renew his library card and start checking out books). We bought him an RC airplane for Christmas (he used to be into that before the games) and he has a simulator that he practices on. In a few weeks I'm hoping the weather will be good enough that he can take the plane out and fly it. One of the keys to getting them off the games is to make sure they have something else to fill their time. I drag my kid out of bed at the same time every day and get him busy doing something until school starts. One of the things you will notice if you get him to come home and stop playing is that he will sleep A LOT for the first several weeks. It's part of the withdrawal syndrome. Once he starts eating better and feeling healthier (get him out of the house as much as you can) he will sleep more normal hours. (though my son sleeps odd hours because he works 11PM-2AM). Anyway, hope things go well on Monday.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Gamersmom, thank you so much for your replies.A I have read through some of the other posts.A I can't believe there are so many kids (and adults) going through the same thing.A It helps to know I'm not alone.A I don't know anyone that has a child going through this. I have been going over and over in my mind all the signs that I have missed.A Summer of 2005 (about a month before Hurricane Katrina), we went on a family cruise.A My son was reluctant to go, but did because I made him.A For most of the week, he pretty much stayed in the cabin or went to the internet cafe.A He could not play his online game the entire week.A I did make him go on the excursions with us.A I could tell he enjoyed them (Sting Ray City, zip-line through the trees in Jamaica).A It was like he was his old self again, fun to be around. Last fall, about a month after he started college, he came home for a weekend because we had family in from out of town.A I think he was actually attending classes then.A He was very talkative and fun to be around.A Many family members commented on the difference.A Even they noticed.A I want that side of my son back.A I know it's still in him. Did your son's friends know about his addiction?A Was he embarrassed to talk to them about it?A Did they know why he quit college? I suspect my son's friends know he has a problem.A They all play the same online game, but I don't think they are addicted like he is.A Last semester, when he failed, he really didn't talk to his friends about his grades.A I think he knows he has a problem, but won't admit it.A I've tried calling his friends to reach him, but they won't answer the phone either.A I spoke to one friend's father who told me he hadn't spoken to his son for a while either.A I'm tempted to call him to let him know what I suspect is going on - in case his son is having the same problem. My son has had no interest in making new friends.A He made a couple of new friends when he went to the gifted high school, but I don't know if he kept in touch with them when he came home.A I'm pretty sure they were also into video games. One of my son's friends also works for UPS. I think he works 12-5 am, and his classes work around this schedule. This friend moved away right before their freshman year in high school. They have kept in touch pretty much every day. This friend still lives at home though. UPS has a program where they pay half of the college tuition, and the state pays the other half. My son lived with him for a month after the hurricane, and attended high school there. I'm not so sure that was a great idea, but it was his senior year and I was worried about him being out of school for an entire month. He might have been better off staying home, we didn't have internet then either. One more day. I am not looking forward to Monday. My sister is coming with me. I don't think I'll be able to drive. I've been a wreck all week. It's embarrassing to break down at work. But, I have a gameplan now, I feel I am making the right decision and I have to stick with it, no matter how hard it gets. Again, I really appreciate your replies. You've been very helpful in helping me believe I'm making the right choice.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I'm not really sure how aware of the addiction my son's friends are. He had drifted away from most of them before he even went to college. He had only one real close friend before he went to college, and that was the kid he gamed with. That kid is now going to JC here also, so I wonder if he failed too. I ask my son if he has seen the other kid at school and he says yes, but they haven't gotten together at all, so I wonder if he is avoiding the kid because of the games. They used to be inseperable. I know the kid's father from work and i think about asking him if his kid had the same problem. i also wonder about calling my kid's college roommate's parents and asking them if they were aware of the problem. We here at OLGA-non have concluded that this is one embarrassing addiction (not "cool" like drugs or alcohol) so it's really difficult to talk to others about it. I think a lot of kids are aware that their friends have a problem but either blow it off, or don't know what to do about it. Occasionally a kid will post here asking how he can help an addicted friend. UPS here pays full tuition and books, up to a point, but JC is so cheap (about $1000 a semester) that it is fully covered, assuming he gets a C average. He can schedule his classes in the late afternoon and evening, so I hope it will work out. Holding my breath for midterm grade reports--any day now. Did you live in NOLA before Katrina? My brother lives in Metairie and had to evac to Baton Rouge for a month but no damage to his house. Hope things go well on Monday. I'll bet he will come home. It seemed like my son was relieved when we finally made the decision that he wasn't going back to the U. They seem so lost and helpless in the grips of this thing. You want to hug 'em and strangle 'em at the same time.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

paladin
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

its a realy stressfull time for him bare that in mind stress can crack people

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Unfortunately for my son, most of his friends from high school also game online, and one of them in particular is at the same college. They were supposed to be roommates, but my son decided to change to the IT dorm and his friend waited too long to change to the same dorm. My son never really got to know his roommate from the first semester. I met him. He seemed like a nice kid. He was also into gaming, not the same online game as my son though. He also had a girlfriend that he talked about a lot. My son had no interest in getting to know him. They shared the same dorm room, but never became friends. This semester my son has a new roommate. I often wonder if my son's gaming had something to do with it. I haven't met the new roommate - not yet anyway. I may tomorrow. We actually live across the lake from New Orleans - in Slidell. We initially evacuated to Texarkana, TX, then made our way to Natchitoches, LA. While in Natchitoches, I made the decision to send my son to live with a friend out of state for a month, partly because it was his senior year and I didn't want him to miss any school, and secondly because a relief worker staying in the hotel we were in hung himself one morning. I felt it was best to get him away from the turmoil going on. Another friend actually went with him, so they both lived with this friend for a month. We had minor damage compared to a lot of people. Fortunately, we live far enough north of the lake that we didn't get water. We had recently moved into this house. Had we still been in our prior house, we would have lost everything - I believe it had at least 6 feet of water. I lived away from home for 2 months. We had no electricity at my house for a month, but my job relocated to Baton Rouge and the commute was awful. I came home when my son's school reopened, then had to make the commute. My husband lived away from home for about 10 months. The last 7 months, he was able to come home on weekends though. I'm not sure how my son will handle his friends. They are also into gaming. I don't think he has any friends who are not away at school, and who are not into online gaming. He was never really open to making new friends unless he met them through gaming. I read a post about Outward Bound Discovery - Intercept. It sounded promising, but expensive. I wonder if anyone has tried that avenue and whether it helped. At this point, I am going to just try to take it one day at a time. I have to get him home first. Things seem bleak now, but I have to hope things can get better.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I am so glad you found this site and I am know you have gotten and will continue to get wonderful advice and endless support from the mothers here who are in similar situations. Ours situation is a bit different, since our son is a minor.A But your most recent post about Outward Bound therapy is why I'm posting. We spent the past two days at our son's therapeautic boarding school.A On Friday night we attended a parent support group meeting where at least 8 kids who have been there for a long time (and who are almost ready to leave the program) answered questions.A One of those kids was 19 years old. From all that I've heard, I would say that the length of the program may hold some significance in recovery but that the therapy is most significant.A Short-term hospital programs and military schools were failed first attempts for almost half of the kids currently at the school. Our son was in wilderness therapy for over 9 weeks before he was transported to his school.A He talks about it as the first time he was honest with anybody about his problems.A However, he now freely admits that he needed much, much more than it could do for him in such a limited time. I have no idea what is available out there, but I can tell you that Aspen Education Group seems to have a reputation for quality programs. As for the investment.A YIKES!A We will have paid for four years at a top-notch University by the time our son completes his treatment.A We have decided that in his case, we need to made the investment now.A They're hard to find but there are companies out there who provide loans for this type of education/therapy. I believe we are the first (and perhaps the only) parents on the board who chose the type of treatment we did.A It's been 5 months now and he's been at his school for the past 3.A The more we see and hear, the more convinced we are that this decision was a good one for us.A The subject of internet gaming was discussed at the meeting since the school now has at least 6 kids with the same compulsion.A The bottom line is, the substance, (environment, person) has to be removed so the individual can focus on the personality traits and adjustment issues that led them to it.A It's all about taking responsibility and accepting consequences for your choices.

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

One of my son's friends called me today. Apparently he, my son and two other friends have been talking about getting an apartment for next semester (fall 2007). They were all friends in high school and attend the same university. Apparently my son has been lying to his friends about going to class. Since this friend called me, I took the opportunity to ask if he noticed any changes in my son. He said he seemed fine, same as always. My son lied about his grades last semester, and lied about taking his mid terms this semester. His friend has been asking my son to call me about the apartment, and my son keeps telling him he will call. I told his friend that I haven't spoken to my son in about 6 weeks and I was concerned. His friend is aware that my sons plays online games a lot, but I didn't go into detail about my suspicion that my son is addicted to the game. He last saw my son a week ago Friday (the last day of midterms) when they were looking for apartments. My son mentioned that was going to get a job when they got an apartment. My son told his friends he was coming back to school in the fall. My son told his friend he took all of his midterms. He couldn't have possibly taken the midterms and failed all of them. I don't think he's even going to class at all. This only confirms my suspicions that my son is addicted, and is ashamed for his friends to know the truth. I found out today one of their friends is also considering withdrawing from school this semester. He is supposed to call his parents tonight to talk about it. He has other issues though, not online gaming. The friend who called me today is aware that my son is into online gaming, and admitted he thought it affected my son's academic performance in high school. I agreed and added that I think it may be a problem in college as well. My son's sleep pattern has been off for a while. He leaves his IM logged on pretty much all the time. I can tell when he's either been away from his computer for a while, or not using the IM. It is usually during the day. He is staying up all night online and sleeping all day. He gets up in the afternoon, eats lunch with his friends, and who knows what else. Not rooming with his friend these past 2 semester has helped him hide this addiction. I thought he would be better off with a new roommate, hoping he would make new friends, not hide his addiction from his real friends. Although I suspect the friend he was supposed to room with may be having problems as well. The friend who called me suspected the other friend was having trouble in school this semester also. I feel sorry for the friend who called me today. He is legitimately go to class and keeping up his grades, and trying to save money by moving out of the dorm into a cheaper apartment with 3 friends to share the expense. My son and the other friends are acting like everything is okay. He needs a decision about the apartment within the next day or so. I told my son's friend that I was going to the school to speak to my son tomorrow, but if what I suspected was true, my son would not be coming back to school in the fall. I didn't want to involve my son's friends, but I can't allow my son to lead this boy on when he is trying to do what is right. I didn't tell him I thought my son was addicted, just that I thought something was going on and was worried. I am hoping when I speak to my son tomorrow, I can convince him to come home. It has to be hard lying to your friends and family all the time. It will always catch up to you eventually. I just hope he realizes that he has a problem and is willing to work on getting his life back on track.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Like Wowparent I have a minor child (girl) who is involved in these games. I think you are right to tell the friend your child is probably not returning to school in the fall. Like the other parents, I think it is right that you don't pay for college if your kid is messing up and failing. By all means get a psychologist, especially one who has some awareness of the gaming problem. I do think there often are underlying issues that need to be taken care of. I find it interesting how so many of us don't want to tell others that we think our children are addicted to this game.
At least this site is somewhere we can come to for support and people who understand. My daughter recently returned from a one week hospital stay (you can catch up on the thread on addicted daughter) and although it wasn't to treat the gaming per se, the situation that landed her there had everything to do with the gaming and our "attempts" to deal with it. I feel a bit guilty for saying that I do not think the "plan" we developed with our therapist (mine and her dad's) is going to work because she is good at getting her way and her dad is not good about following through. It is important that you and your husband are united on how to deal with this. Like so many Moms, I spend a great deal of time sad, crying and yes, angry. My choice would be to not have internet access if that's what it's going to take but I can't get my family members to get on board with this. I have told my child's friend's mother about her problem. I don't think the friend has a problem though she plays too. But at least now her mom will know to be watchful for signs. I have also begun telling others. I think one of the tasks we have ahead of us is "outing" the problem. I bet we don't because we are disappointed in our kids, maybe a bit embarrassed and there's such a stigma attached to addiction. So many of these kids are very bright kids which makes it all the harder. Keep coming for support and good luck tomorrow.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

It's really tough to know what to say to other people. I think you did the right thing to tell your son's friend that he won't be back. If you are correct, there is no way the U will take him back, having flunked after being on academic probation. This pattern of lying in the face of the obvious is so typical and so sad when you see a kid who used to be an honor student doing it. My son told exactly the same kinds of lies when he was in the grips of this addiction. I think as this addiction becomes better-known it will become easier to talk about it with others. Ido talk about it with colleagues, and I have been amazed at the number who were already wondering about early signs in one of their kids. I think we are sitting on the tip of one HUGE iceberg here.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I agree. I have talked to a few people I work with about it. One has a son and a daughter that goes to the same college. They are 1 and 2 years older than my son. They all seem to understand to some extent. They have gone through issues with their kids as well - not gaming necessarily, but drugs. It's still not something I am comfortable discussing openly with everyone, just family members and close friends. It is embarrassing, for me and my son. I think his friends will be understanding. They know he plays too much already. Also, one of my son's friends came out last semester, and they have all stood by him. So I am pretty sure they will be behind my son as well. He will not go back next semester. Now, if he chooses to get an apartment with his friends and get a job, I don't think I can stop him. He is 19. But he will do so without my financial help. I was surprised he talked to his friend about getting a job. My son has never been one to want to work. I get upset because I know he is jeopardizing his future, but it is never too late to go back to school. Whether he goes back next year or in 5 years, as long as he gets over this addiction, he can always go back and start over. It is not the end of the world. That is one thing I want him to understand - he can turn his life around - if he wants to. And I will be there to help him, but I will not enable the online gaming. I told my husband that there needs to be internet restrictions and his first reaction was "why should everyone in the house be punished". He has 2 daughters, one of which lives with us. I explained to him that we needed to be on the same page. It is not a matter of punishing anyone, but we need to have limits. There is no reason for any of the kids (19, 17 or 15), to be on the internet at all hours of the night. We were just fine before the internet, and we will be fine if we don't have it again.

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I have a new question. Is there a monthly fee for the game World of Warcraft? I thought my son only played Final Fantasy Online, but while going through his room just now to remove all gaming software I could find, I found an empty box for World of Warcraft. I found the DVDs for Final Fantasy Online. I am taking those so he won't be able to reinstall the game when I remove it from his computer and his laptop. But now I wonder if he is also playing World of Warcraft. I'm pretty sure he doesn't, especially if there is a fee. I have access to his bank account, and there are no monthly charges. Hopefully I only have to deal with Final Fantasy and not both.

satyag
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

If there is an empty box he probably installed it. Yes there is a fee but they can buy time cards as well (at places like Game Stop). I think chances are he is playing it. This is my kid's game of choice. If he is coming home, is he going to have access to the games? Now that he is an adult, are there conditions for him living at home (since he is not going to be in school)? For example, will he have to have a job?

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I found the CD/DVDs for Warcraft. I don't think he is playing that one. The only game I've ever heard him talk about is Final Fantasy. And that is the one he loaded on my computer once when I took his away. Now I have the DVDs so he can't load it on any other computer. Yes, there will be conditions when he comes home, one of which he will be required to get a job. He is not going to fail in school, then come home and be a bum. We have wireless internet at my house. He has both his laptop and computer at school right now. I am removing the wireless port from him room, so he won't be able to use the computer online in his room. He may be able to use the laptop, but fortunately his room is upstairs and on the opposite side of the house from the router, and he used to always complain about getting bad reception in his room. I am going to put time restrictions on the router so he can't use the internet while I'm sleeping. If he gets around that, I will remove the router at night altogether. I am hoping to uninstall Final Fantasy from both his laptop and computer when he comes home. I have already removed most of his video games from his room. I am in the process of cleaning out his room now. I know he is not going to be happy. Although he is technically now an adult, he has not been making mature decisions. If he wants to live at home, he will have to abide by my rules or move out. Hopefully it will not come to that. There is a reason why he has been avoiding talking to me these past 6 weeks. He knows he can't explain himself out of his grades for last semester, and I'm sure he knows I know about his mid term grades. Complete denial. If he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't have to fully face it. Tonight will be a restless night. This has been the longest weekend of my life. I am dreading go to his school tomorrow, but it's time I finally do something about it.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

The monthly charge for WoW would say "Blizzard entertainment" It's $16.80 or something like that. Good idea to clean out his room. Can you plug the router in in your room and put a lock on your door? Good luck tomorrow.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

cpaump25
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Actually, I do have a lock on my door, from issues with my husband's oldest daughter (17) a few years ago. She lives with us. As far as his video games, I plan to bring them to my sister's house where he has no way of getting them. I'm not sure about moving the router upstairs to my bedroom. I'm sure its possible. I definitely have not seen any charges from Blizzard Entertainment. I'm pretty sure my son is just playing Final Fantasy. In any event, I have the CD/DVDs for both games now.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Good luck tomorrow [mind you it's late and Monday's already here...]. With respect to your husband's stance that "why should everyone in the house be punished" regarding the removal of the internet: It's only temporary, and if any one of the family members were an alcoholic, you'd remove the booze, right? In my opinion it's not that different. Gaming addictions are extremely destructive. I'm a university student. I realized relatively recently that I have a problem with gaming and it's something that I'm struggling with to quit. It's not easy. Used to have a high A average, but this semester I'm in jeopardy of flunking. (I also have a full-time job and a part-time one.) Had a gaming problem for years, but this last while it's become a big problem. I hope your son recognizes that he has a problem and decides to seek help. He is very lucky to have such a wonderful and caring Mom!! (and same goes for all other parents on this site trying desperately to help their children). Though my experience with my (soon to be) step-daughter and my younger siblings, the way the message is delivered is often more important than the message itself. If you can get your son to admit he has a gaming problem, instead of telling him he has one, he'll likely be more receptive to your help. As they say, "[t]he first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem". If he's in denial, perhaps show him the counselor's article, or point him to this site [the "I need help" for gamers part and later, the part where family members post]. Sit next to him and offer support. Let him know you really care. If he's not receptive, I'd suggest printing off a couple of the gamers' initial posts (not the whole posts as the length may discourage him from reading them). The first one's the most important because a few of them he'll likely readily identify with. I came across this website a few days ago and it made me realize my addiction, acknowledge that I want to get better, and see that it is indeed possible. Hugs. Good luck to both of you.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

This is a delayed welcome. In part because your son's problem has mirrored my son's more than anything on this site. Mine too is addicted to Final Fantasy. He is 18 now and we are working on getting him to make changes in his life. Your post was such a powerful "kick in the chest" again to what we may be facing that it has taken me a while to get to respond. My son and husband still do not call his playing an addiction, although I fear he is at that point, but in anycase, I dread getting the same type of news in another year when he is a freshman. Your post is one I have printed out, and tried to use it as a springboard in yet another "discussion" with son and husband. Final Fantsay XI is just as addictive as WOW. It has the same unlimited time,neverending game, the same MMORPG structure, the same "guilds". (called link shells), the same leveling up, the same multiple sites to sell, discuss, meet your "friends" and plan to sneak back on to game at 2 am etc. Most computer savvy players, (and your son sounds like one) have the knowledge to make copies of their game discs, reinstall etc. Also we found that when we took our son to another country, on computer that wasn't his, etc. he still would spend hours on the game related boards, shells etc. (just substituting until he could get back to the game.) I would limit computer access to one computer , only under supervision, with a computer with no gaming capability. We also lock up the modem in our bedroom at night, (just unplug the box and take it out of the computer room). We live far enough from any other houses to make unauthorized wireless access not an issue. Contact me for some other info re monitoring this game. It is actually harder than WOW to monitor. (no game controls that I know of) This is hard to fight when someone will not admit the extent of their problem. :'( We have made slow progress. Here to help and share.

"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

satyag
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

My husband and daughter have the same problem calling this an addiction. As I suspected even after I told husband the psychiatrist today talked about it as an addiction, he says he is not willing to label it so. Go figure. Talk about denial.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Well, my son is home.A He really didn't put up a fight.A Of course, he was sleeping at 11:30 when I got to his dorm.A I'm pretty sure he was up until about 5:00 am, but he swears he went to sleep around midnight. I told him I had his midterm grades, had already spoken with a counselor at school, and he would be withdrawing today.A He told me he knew about the grades and was planning on withdrawing himself, only he was going to wait until right before the deadline. Of course, he denies having a problem with online gaming.A He says he doesn't even play that much anymore.A The reason he wasn't going to class is because he decided he didn't want to go into engineering anymore, he was tired of math and science classes.A These two areas have always been his strongest.A He says I am just being paranoid. He already has his next move planned out.A He wants to withdraw this semester, come home, get a job, then go back to school in the fall out of state in a work/study program.A He plans to join the JET Program (The Japan Exchange and Teaching Program) as an Assistant Language Teacher after he graduates college.A He had mentioned this to me the first semester.A He has decided that since he wants to teach in Japan, he should become a teacher so he will have the teaching skills.A He wants to teach English in Japan as a career. My son and his friends have this fascination with Japan.A They are into Japanese anime and manga. They all went to Japan for 2 weeks after graduation from high school. He also said he was going to pay me back for what I paid for the past 2 semesters.A He was afraid to tell me the truth.A He knew I would be upset.A I have told him many times that if he felt he wasn't ready to take classes now and wanted to wait, I was okay with that.A Just don't string me along.A I was not going to pay for him to sleep and play online games at school. He pretty much knew when he enrolled this semester that he didn't want to follow his original curriculum.A I have no idea why he couldn't have just changed his classes rather than not going at all and wasting my time and money. One of the first things he asked when he got home was "where is my wireless adapter".A I explained there would be restrictions now that he was home (no online gaming, time limitations).A He says he has no problem with me cancelling his online subscription to Final Fantasy.A Of course, when he gets a job, he will probably re-subscribe and pay for it himself.A He keeps telling me and his friends that I am just paranoid.A In any event, he agreed to cancel it for now.A I think he has 3 months to re-subscribe before his character is deleted. I told him he had to prove to me that he could be responsible enough to get a job and maintain it without gaming.A I can't stop him from moving out of state, but he says he will prove himself so he has my support. I can't choose my son's life for him.A If I had it my way, he would stick with engineering.A He is so smart and I hate to see him waste it.A But if he wants to be a teacher, and teach in Japan, I have to respect his choices. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.A First on his list is a haircut, then job hunting.A He is still thinner than he was before he went to school. His friend at school is not happy that he left today.A Rather than admitting that he was planning on withdrawing on his own, my son told his friend that I made him come home today.A My son's friend has no car and depended on my son bringing him places.A I don't think his friend is too far behind.A I think he has been skipping classes also.A In fact, right before we left, my son went to the friend's dorm room to get some things he left behind, and the friend was playing online. Even though my son says he is okay with cancelling his online game, he is still upset that he can't have the internet in his room.A I am not fully convinced gaming was not a problem.A To go away to school and not go to class at all is hard to swallow if the only reason is a change of major. One day at a time.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

[size=14]I am happy to hear he came home. I am also happy to see you sticking to your guns about not letting him have access to the internet in his room. Please keep coming here and keep us updated on how things turn out.[/size]

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
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Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

Gamersmom
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Glad to hear he came home without a fight. I gotta tell you though, that he is feeding you a load of cr*p, pure and simple. Your instincts are correct. The only good explanation for not going to class is that he is addicted to games. Period. Stand your ground and challenge him to prove you wrong. I would be very careful about sending him out of state to school. I can almost guarantee that he will just waste more of your money (lots more, since it's out of state). I would strongly recommend that you insist he do a year at the local JC to get his gen eds and prove that he can do it. The thing about these games for college students is not just the time they spend, but that they literally scramble their brains and make it impossible for them to focus and concentrate. It can take months for that to clear. I can understand how he just could not handle engineering classes while he was gaming. If he still wants to move out of state against your wishes, I would wish him well and let him handle everything himself, including the tuition (up front or with student loans). One thing that's in your favor is that, if he finds some way to continue gaming, he won't be functioning well enough to go through all that is involved with applying and getting accepted at an out of state school.
Good luck. Keep us updated.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Gamersmom beat me to it! My first thought was right in line with hers, and that is that your son is most likely lying to you. Ours had gotten so good at deceit and ommission that we had stopped believing almost anything he said. The fact that your son is of age limits your choices considerably. I do believe that tough love is the best way to go. You have most certainly done all you know to do.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Based on your posts, I generally agree that his reason for not going to class is his gaming addiction despite what he says. But I caution against blaming online gaming as 100% of the problem. From my addicted friends, I've seen that one of the things that makes some people susceptible to a gaming addiction is depression or a lack of direction. In this case, your son saying he didn't like his major rings a bell with me and could be why he was vulnerable to an online game. The game was very appealing because it was easier to deal with than facing much harder questions about where he wants to go in life. The more my friends felt they dug a hole for themselves by doing poorly on a test, missing too many classes, or ****ing off friends and family, the more they turned to gaming as an escape. Your son is at least talking about plans, even if they are not the ones you would choose for him. That is something you can build on. Of course, it's a chicken and egg problem. Is he no longer interested in engineering because his addiction to online gaming caused him to dig a hole he felt he can't get out of? Or was his disinterest the cause of him turning to gaming to escape the difficulty of changing directions? In either case, I agree that there is no place in his life for gaming, and I am very interested to know what the next steps are for you, because I think it can help my friends, too.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I agree with the parents that he is feeding you nonsense. I do agree with WoWfriend that it may be that many of these kids are not quite clear about the direction in which they are headed. He indeed may no longer be interested in engineering but it is easier to evince disinterest than it is to admit that he was screwing up because he was not attending classes and escaped into gaming instead. I would not be inclined to pay for classes anywhere unless he demonstrates some responsibility. You can be sure that if he has internet access in his room, he'll find a way to play something. it also seems to me that many of the kids who get involved with this game have interests in anime and manga (my daughter does too). She too has been fascinated with everything Japanese. I don't have a problem with that--especially when she was propelled into taking Japanese lessons. If he wants to go to Japan and teach English that's fine too, just so long as he doesn't expect you to pay for it. I have a nephew who is off to Thailand teaching English--had no teacher training whatsoever. Stick to your guns about the internet access. I so wish that my husband would get on board with me. I so wish that I had not relented on the removal of the computer back in December.

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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I don't believe that gaming had nothing to do with it, but I can understand not being sure of what to do with your life. He does want to go back to school, and he says he does not expect me to pay for it. A He wants to get into an Earn & Learn program, where he will work and go to school, and the employer will help with the cost of school/books. A I have no problem with that. A But he can do that here, and not move out of state. A They have a similar program in our area (he will have to commute about 20 miles). A We talked a lot last night about his plan and an alternative plan of staying home, working and going back to school in our area. I'm not sure why he's not interested in engineering anymore. A He just says he doesn't like math and science anymore. He has been fascinated with Japan for several years. A He starting talking about the JET program right after he started college. A To get into the JET Program, he has to have a college degree. He is not required to have a degree in education, but that is what he says he wants to do now. A If he gets into the program, he will live in Japan for 2-3 years teaching English. I don't have a problem with him going to Japan, and I have no intention of paying for it. He went to Japan for 2 weeks after graduation last year, so he's been there before. He plans to take 2 years of Japanese in college also. I have no intention of paying for him to move out of state to go to school. A He has to prove himself by working, not gaming, and then going back to school. A He says he wants to get an apartment, but we talked about how expensive that would be and he knows he can't do it by himself. A We'll see how it goes. A He has no idea what it really costs to live on your own, especially if he can't hold a job because he can't get up from gaming. I don't expect change overnight. A I know he is probably just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. A I am not naive anymore. A But he does seem to have a goal. A I'll just have to wait to see if he is serious about it. He still has an appointment with a psychologist for an evaluation, and I plan to keep it. A He was not happy about it, but has not refused to go. As for his computer, he does not have internet access in his room. He will have to go downstairs in the computer room, and I am going to place time restrictions on the internet. If he gets around that, I'll just remove the router at night. I am glad he seems to have a goal now, but I still don't trust him. He is going to have to earn that trust back by acting responsible and getting his act together.

satyag
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

I think you have a good plan. When I was 18, my dad said he could not afford to pay for any more schooling for me (we were poor). Any way, Canada had opened up for immigration, I immigrated (long story) and eventually worked and got myself through three degree programs (to PhD). Lesson is that when we want something badly enough, we can find ways to do it (most of the time). I did not want my kids to have to go through the same path but I try to remind myself every now and then that the worst possible thing is that they would have to pay for college themselves. Older daughter decided to switch programs too (not a gaming addict) which we were fine with but for different reasons told her she'd have to pay for her change (because we in essence had already paid for a degree program and then some). She too wanted to find an apt and live on her own but really didn't know what it might cost. We'd been paying her rent while she was at school. She is now home, working part time, taking courses but no apt. We are fine with her living at home while she does her other degree program. Truth is, as adults, there is little we can do to stop them from going where they want to go. However, we are not under any obligation to support their inappropriate choices. Again, I think you have a good plan going forward.

Gamersmom
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Re: Addicted 19 year old

Our oldest son (not the gamer) dropped out of an engineering program too. At the time I was a bit upset, but it turned out that he knew what was best for him better than I did. He transferred to a technology program "because I gotta work with my hands and I couldn't stand spending the whole day manipulating equations". He was right and is very happy. They just finished their senior project, a Basic Utility Vehicle constructed from scratch using a lawn mower moter and a Datsun transmission from the junkyard. They will compete in Indianapolis next month and then the vehicle will be donated to a village in Africa somewhere. He's very proud of what they did and learned a lot. When he realized he couldn't graduate in 4 years because of all the goofing off he did the first 2 years, we told him he would have to pay for the 5th year himself. He has gotten his best grades ever and told me that maybe I should have made him pay for the first 4 years and he might have taken school more seriously. I told him to feel free to pay me back (LOL). He not only covered his tuition and all living expenses, but he will graduate with over 5 grand in the bank to get him started in life. Unfortunately, when a kid is heavily into gaming, they really are not capable of functioning in the real world, and there could be a bit of risk in sending them off on their own. You have to weigh the risks for your own kid.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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