First, I hope I don't electrocute myself because of my shedding tears all over the keyboard, and I'm not trying to be funny at all.
My son is 21 and possesses a brilliant mind. Obviously, I'm biased, but his ACT score was 35, and his GRE score was a perfect 1600. He just graduated with a BA in computer science with a GPA of 3.01 -- but just barely. He flunked one class (he simply never went) and received more D's in the past 2 years than I can count. His first two years, he had a 3.9 GPA. What happened? I firmly believe with all my heart the culprit has to be that ****ed World of Warcraft game.
In the past year, he has gained considerable weight, probably close to 80 pounds. He seems to drink a lot, eat a lot, study little, and exercise little. He also began to smoke, which is extremely hard for us to accept, since my husband and I have never, ever smoked and are vehemently against it. He has no social life, with the exception of getting together with his "guild."
He recently moved to a large city in order to attend graduate school. However, he admits that he plays about 20 hours a week. And, what is complete lunacy is that he claims that he can attend grad school and work part-time while "gaming." We just helped him move a few days ago. By a small miracle, there is a slight problem with the internet wiring in his apartment building and he will be without internet access for about six days. He's nearly going crazy. He claims that he needs internet to find a driver's license station and all the other things that someone to a new city and state will need to find. I do understand that, but the situation is not that he'll never have access or that the access will be delayed for several weeks. It's only a few days, for crying out loud!
He has some incredible opportunities ahead of him, and quite frankly, I'm scared to death that he's going to completely blow it. If a class that he really needs interferes with a game time, I know exactly what will occur.
Now for the part that is most difficult to write. My grandfather (his great grandfather, of course) was an alcoholic. My mother was addicted to valium for several years. I tend to have an addictive personality but am highly conscious of it and manage my life well at this point. My son does not bathe daily. He doesn't even want a dresser drawer because he prefers to leave his clothes on the floor. He rarely did dishes in his old apartment or even cleaned, and it caused considerable strife between his roommate and him. I am loathe to admit that I will often do his laundry. When he graduated last month, we had to take him to Wal-Mart to buy a shirt for graduation (he requested it; we didn't force him) because he hadn't done his laundry for about a month. He claims that he doesn't want to spend the money. However, how on earth can someone justify spending who-knows-how-much on tobacco and alcohol when a laundry load barely costs $2.50? The washer and dryer were just a few steps away from his apartment (in the basement). It simply doesn't make sense.
I recently had a heart-to-heart with my son. I told him of the wonderful opportunities in the big city for him and that I hoped he would take advantage of everything that he could: wonderful parks, social clubs for the sports that interest him, and so forth. He didn't seem interested. I asked him what really, really interested him, what his passion in life was. His answer horrified me: he said he really loved to play World of Warcraft, and that was his passion. He said that he worked diligently to build his guild and that it's one of the best ones around. I don't doubt him at all, but oh, why couldn't he take that energy and pour it into something that will reflect positively in his life? He could easily be the top student with only a moderate amount of work, and of course, that would result in better options for his career.
If someone in our family dies, I can only hope that the funeral isn't on one of his "game days." I'm dead serious. And I'm scared, very scared.
He knows that we're concerned with his online gaming. He claims that he can manage his gaming, his studies, and his work (of which he has still to find). Is there anything we can do to help him? Unfortunately, his personality is like mine in one negative respect: we both abhor being told "what to do." If we say we are concerned about his online gaming, he will only become more resolved to continue and to even play more.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense. Maybe I'm just venting. But I'm actually starting to get physical stomachaches when I think of what he's doing with his life. His father, younger brother and sister, and I love him more than anything in the world. We want to see him do his best in life, and quite frankly, he isn't even coming close.
Thanks for listening.
Your story has commononalities with many of the others written by parents. The fact that your son is an adult and on his own makes it difficult, if not impossible, for you to intervene. I must say that I believe you are right about the game being the cause for much of his behavior. Just last week I heard from a parent whose son had given up an Ivy League education in favor of WoW. As hard as it may seem, you're going to have to let him discover the damage he's doing to himself. Perhaps when the consequences are too great for him to ignore he'll accept his problem and come to you for help. That's when you can help him; but until then I'd refuse financial support of any kind; that means no buying him clothes, meals, doing his laundry, either.
Hello scaredmom, My name is Kathy and I am a 42 yo recovering gaming addict. A I only tell you this so you understand the perspective of my opinions and suggestions. I played WOW on and off for 2 years. Each time I quit, I went back convincing myself that I could moderate my time and I wouldn't allow the game to control me. A I was lying to myself. A Each time I went back, within two weeks I was up to the max time I could play. A At the end it was 16 to 18 hours a day (I had convinced my husband to move back to his hometown in Canada so I wouldn't have to work). A My entire life revolved around the game. A I felt important when I was able to help other people. The more time I spent in the game, the more knowledge I acquired and the more important I felt. A When I wasn't playing, I was 'researching' the game. A I would literally move from the bed to the game and back to bed again. A I even dreamed about the game when I slept. I was able to rationalize my game playing no matter what. A The truly sad part is that the rationalizations seem reasonable to me even though to a non-gamer they were lunacy. A I was saving money. I was making friends. A I was helping people. At some level, I knew that what I was doing wasn't good for me. A It hurt my marriage (even though my husband played casually), it hurt my relationship with my family, and it hurt me. A But at a more superficial level, I convince myself the benefits outweighed the costs. A I was wrong. I only tell you these things to try and give you an idea of what your son might experiencing. A I say might because I have no way of knowing for sure if he is an addict, but I strongly suspect that he is. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to help except to be there when he finally decides he has a problem. A What you can do is go through some of the gamer's posts and see if there are any he may relate to, print them out, and offer them to him. A Chances are he won't read them. If he does read them, chances are he will blow them off. A But they might plant a seed that will grow in time. The other thing you can do is to stop enabling him. Don't pay for that new shirt he thinks he needs. A Don't give him money that will help him cover the costs of his gaming. A Do NOT help him with this type of lifestyle. A If he wants to live this way, make him live it on his own. A You can't help him until he decides to help himself. A You say you don't know if any of this makes sense. A Unfortunately it makes perfect sense to most of us that frequent these forums. A Even though you can't help him directly, you can help him indirectly by getting counseling yourself. A This will help you deal with how his addiction has affected your life and help you deal with, unfortunately, what you probably have ot face in the future. And keep coming back here. A There are many parents who can empathize and help you deal with this situation. Kathy