Mom of 19 Year Old Gamer Thanks OLG-Anon

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hannylala
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Mom of 19 Year Old Gamer Thanks OLG-Anon

My son, Alex, is 19 years old. His teenage years have been marked by academic failure, non-existent social skills, no motivation.

Alex dropped out of high school. He went to school every day for a year and half but still flunked every single class. He got his GED and enrolled in community college, where he is now flunking all of those classes. He was home for the Easter holiday. On Friday, he spent no less than 12 hours in front of his computer. On Saturday, he left the house and did not come home until Sunday afternoon, when he promptly fell asleep sitting up. He woke at 7 PM for dinner and left to go back to school at 9 PM. My child has a gaming problem...no...he has a gaming addiction.

To the best of my knowledge, he has never been on a date, let alone a girlfriend. Alex has two friends, both of whom are gamers. He has never had a job. He has never even really looked for a job with any earnest. He doesn't have a driver's license. He rarely showers and his living quarters are a pig sty. I doubt he ever leaves his dorm room.

My husband and I have told Alex that if he isn't passing (Cs or better) all of his classes at the end of the semester, he can't come home. We know he has no money, no job and no place to go. We know that he will likely be homeless. And, that is scary as heck. More failure.

We have two younger children who are tortured when Alex is in the house. The only thing my husband and I argue about is Alex. Alex is the poisonous center of every thing, every discussion, every crying jag. How can we as a family get better if that poison remains? We are at our end. We have nothing more to give or offer. He has squandered every opportunity, with no remorse or realization...he has drained us financially, emotionally and physically.

I know this isn't about me but I am so, so, so sad...sad because my dreams for him are crushed...sad because his life will be so hard because of choices he's made...sad because my excuses have hurt him more than helped him...sad because I am truly powerless to do any more to help him...sad because I feel so ashamed of him. I hate the day we allowed video games into our home. I hate it that I was the one to open that door. I hate that I spent all of that money on games and controllers. I feel like I was dealing drugs to my own child, who relied on me to keep him safe. My heart is broken and my will is useless. I feel like a complete failure as a mother.

Thus, I have prayed to God and have turned Alex over to Him. I have faith that God has a plan for him; that God's plan on God's time is infinitely better than my own. It's all I have left to give my child, my fervent prayers to God to save Alex and to forgive me my failings as a parent.

But, thank you, everyone, for your stories. It is a great comfort to me to know that I am not alone. I will be reading and learning as much as I can from this community...drawing support and encouragement from each of your inspiring stories. Hopefully, I can be of help to another parent who is on this long, arduous road with the rest of us.

God bless you all and all of your children.

InHiStrength
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Oh, my dear hanny, You have

Oh, my dear hanny,

You have come farther than you know, in this learning process of being a parent or loved one of a gamer! And you HAVE come to the "right place" to begin, humanly speaking, the trek toward your wholeness. Most of all, your spiritual outlook will be the saving grace for you, and anyone in your family who chooses that route, along with whatever other steps that seem appropriate.

I find your honesty refreshing in your self-appraisal and appraisal of the situation in your household. Please do keep reading the posts, gaining strength, strategies, and sanity.

God bless YOU and yours! you AND Alex will be in my prayers from now on. Do not give up hope for that plan that is for good and not for evil. That plan to give Alex a future and a hope.

Most sincerely,

IHS

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Good morning Hanny, Oh, I

Good morning Hanny,

Oh, I could hear every echo of the pain, frustration and sorrow coming from your words. Sweetheart, we have SO been where you are. I completely agree... virtually every fight or disagreement my husband and I have had, our gaming-addicted son has been at the center. The sense of loss and sadness at letting go of your hopes, plans and dreams for your child - is heartbreaking.

We tell ourselves we did everything we could, yet somehow that doubt remains. Like you, we originally brought the computers and games and paraphernalia into the house, and let them stay there for way too long. Like you, we made deals and bargains and permitted our son to game when, had it been another substance such as alcohol or drugs, we wouldn't even have considered it.

However, also like you, we have other children who are NOT addicted. So, everything we did "wrong" - how was it that they weren't affected? My older son went through a GTA phase, but went on from there. My younger daughters got very enamored of Neopets for a while, then moved on. Who knew?

One of the most important things I have learned as an anon is the mantra DETACH WITH LOVE. Alex has made his own life and it might be that this is as good as it's ever going to get. Nobody can know. Our own son is - at least somewhat - on the road to recovery, but that is by dint of counseling and, very much so, medication. I do know that he feels a lot of regret for what he missed out on during high school, and for what (his immediate future at least) looks like. Unlike all his friends, he is NOT going away to college next year... although if he stays on a positive, healing path we will consider it for sophomore year. But that's a major, major IF.

God always did have Alex in his hands, not you. It is sad and soul-wrenching to give up, entirely, the illusion that you and your husband had control... but in turning Alex over to God, you also realize that God is infinitely wiser than you are. Believe me though, I know how much it hurts.

Love to you... all three...

Jane in CT

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Welcome Hanny! My gamer

Welcome Hanny!

My gamer son's name is Alex too, and he flunked out of college at 19, then came home and failed his first semester of community college. I can totally relate to all the feelings you have shared. Don't beat yourself up though. None of us could see this whole gaming addiction thing coming. Who knew a game could be addictive? We were busy trying to keep our kids away from drugs and alcohol and thought we were doing a good job of keeping them out of trouble because they were home and not out partying. We've all kicked ourselves, but it doesn't do any good.

As for your son, good for you for drawing the line. There is a book I recommend called "Scratch Beginnings: Me, $25 and the Search for the American Dream" by Adam Shepard. Reading it will reassure you that he can survive if you kick him out. When you're finished reading it, give it to Alex. It will reassure him that you are serious.

One caution though. If you live in an area without public transportation, you might want to consider teaching him to drive and taking him to get his license before you kick him out.

Good luck to you.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

hannylala
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Thanks everyone for your

Thanks everyone for your prayers and support. I brought my husband to this community and showed him the jewel I had found. He too was surprised and so very thankful that we were not alone.

I spoke to a recovering addict this week too. Asked him what we should know; what we should do. Joe said that we need to do three things. 1. Love Alex unconditionally. 2. Let Alex go. 3. Let God do the rest. Joe also said that in order for Alex to recover, he needs me to recover...recover from my "addiction" to Alex...to stop allowing Alex's successes (whatever those are) and Alex's failures to dictate my own ups and downs....to stop allowing my concern for Alex to be the only topic on my heart and mind. I had no idea.

The decision has been made. May 12, Alex is on his own. I will definitely need this time to learn how to cope and to heal...all of my children deserve a whole, healthy mother...not one that is riddled with guilt and anxiety.

I am really interested in an anon group in Phoenix. Is anyone else interested? I have no idea how to get something like that started.

In the meantime, I will continue reading posts, drawing on all of your support and throwing my heart and soul into my prayers for Alex, for your loved ones and our families.

Thank you all.

person
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Dear Hannylala,  Thank-you

Dear Hannylala, Thank-you for posting. Your 3 L's are great, something to hang onto. Welcome. My son is 21 and our path has been similar to yours. I am happy to hear that your husband is on board as well. It took several months for that awful pain of regret and guilt to be replaced (most of the time) with more of a recovery feeling and outlook. If this site had not been here I am sure I would have been hospitalized or worse! As you say I read this site all I could, posted when I felt weak and scared, and in total despair. I also had been familar with al-anon books and meetings which helped. Al-anon meetings are great, they dont ask you to identify with alcoholism. I am sure many other anons dealing with loved ones with other addictions are there as well.The letting go in love is the same for us all, I think. Take care and big hug, Jonna

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hannylala
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We got two of Alex's

We got two of Alex's grades....they were just as we feared.

My husband is going to pick him up from school today and will dropping him off at some dismal motel on the other end of town (so he can't sneak into our house when we are gone). We are going to pay two weeks' rent for him. If he can't find a job within that time frame, he will be homeless.

My heart is broken and just don't know how I can make it to the other side of this hell.

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Hannylala, My name is Rose,

Hannylala,

My name is Rose, and I am new here from just a few weeks ago (mine is posted here too). I read your story and wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I know how a broken heart feels. We was so touched by your comment that you feel sad--sad for him, for the lost time and lost dreams. As mothers (and fathers!), we feel that if our kids lives aren't going well, we must be to blame. When my son was 14 he started having uncontrollable seizures. I probably spent the first half a year beating myself up for some head injury that he might have had that I missed . . . or because maybe gaming caused seizures . . . or whatever. You are not a failure.

If you are willing, please let us know how you are doing. You must feel so scared and doubtful inside. I admire your courage. I hope it is not inappropriate for me to say but I will be adding your son to my prayers that he will find his way back again.

Rose

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Dear Hannylala, Although you

Dear Hannylala,

Although you and your husband are so deeply grieved and heartbroken, you have definitely and VERY fairly done the right thing for your son's and your family's best. You did a very good job of warning him, taking time to adjust yourselves to the possibilities, and then actually following through on loving him with the kind of love that can love him to true life eventually. I can't help but think of the example of the parents who take their child into the doctor and find out that the child has life-threatening cancer and painful surgery is the only way to remove the malignancy and restore any hope of health and life. Of course, the parents do not want to cause their child pain, and the he is screaming, "No! No! That will hurt! I don't want to! Please! No!!!" But as much as it will hurt the child, and also them to do it, they go for the only option that has the chance to destroy and remove the cancer from the child's body/life and bring real healing in the long run.

It is the same for you. This is only real option you had right now. To do the ineffably hard and sad thing, to wound in order to heal. You are all hurting now, but may your son realize someday that you stood strong when your hearts were also in your throats, to love him to life. i commend you, as there are not many of us in this society/world who would have the courage and love to do this with the tender heart and tough skin that you've shown. Oh, I do continue to pray for all of you in your family...I weep with you, and yet have hope. Your son is blessed indeed to have you as parents. May he someday be wise enough to arise and call YOU blessed!

Most lovingly,

IHS

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Hannylala, IHS's words

Hannylala, IHS's words (stated far more eloquently than I could) are so true. I know that no two outcomes are ever the same, just as no two people are the same. The only encouragement I can give you is to be grateful that you're doing this now, and be hopeful that he's young and strong enough to learn and grow from the experience. Our son no longer games and is an amazing young man. At our insistence, he is now sharing an apartment with two other young men. At close to 21, he was ready for some independence and we felt it was necessary for him to learn what that truly means. Our relationship is in a growth mode again...he seems to appreciate family and home so much more when he's without the daily benefits, both financial and emotional.

Most importantly, don't allow yourself to feel guilty, nor responsible for what has taken place. I know that sounds impossible right now, and we did our fair share of thinking "what if, what did I do wrong?". But here you are, and you're dealing with the cards you've been dealt, facing the situation head-on and with more love and strength than most people can muster. I often think that it's easier to wait and hope for things to change than it is to deal with them.

hannylala
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I was up last night

I was up last night wondering if my child had enough food to eat.

But I resisted the urge to call, email, text or go over there to find out.

Honestly, I want him to come home.

hannylala
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AND.... THANK YOU FOR YOUR

AND....

THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT....

When I doubt what is happening, your posts are there to push me along for a little bit longer.

InHiStrength
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Of course you want your son

Of course you want your son to come home! That is the cry of the prodigal's parent! And that is what your son is, "a prodigal son". He wandered far from home, what you taught him, and even though you and your husband had him leave most recently, he had already left long ago.

Hanny, you and your husband keep doing what you're doing, supporting each other and your other children. And your son...keep supporting him with your prayers, knowing that they are doing far more than you can imagine.

Fondly,

IHS

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Update..... We paid three

Update.....

We paid three weeks' rent at the transitional motel. Tomorrow his rent is due and he's out of money. Last night, I was up most of the night, praying, begging God for deliverance. When I woke this morning, my friend, Tameka, was on my heart and mind. I called her and explained what was happening. She told me to call her brother. When I spoke to Ron, he told me his business was hiring people and they could start work right away. I gave the information to Alex, who went right down there using one of his last bus passes. Alex isn't answering the phone so I hope he's working. THEN, I got a call from Natalie, Ron's wife. She and Ron have a ministry reaching out to young men who are struggling and lost, men like Alex. She is going to wait for Alex to get off work and is going to take him to a shelter tonight. From there, Alex can transition to an 18-month independent living program that also offers Alex an opportunity to grow closer to God and participate in community outreach programs. The afternoon has been full of hope and help from strangers who answered God's call and have eased my worries. My prayers are being answered and I PRAISE and THANK GOD for RON AND NATALIE and will spend the rest of life supporting them and their ministry. I have hope....today I have hope....and it feels good. AMEN!!

person
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Thank-you for sharing hanny,

Thank-you for sharing hanny, and I am glad you have some relief and knowing he is getting some help. Hope it goes well.

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Hang in there hanny!  So

Hang in there hanny! So glad to hear that your prayers are being answered.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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I say, Amen!  And those of

I say, Amen! And those of us who have been praying for you, your family, and Alex will continue!

Hugs!

IHS

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Sweetie, keep your hopes

Sweetie, keep your hopes high and your expectations low. This may be the answer, it may not. Be prepared for either alternative so you don't get crushed if the "upside" one doesn't wind up working out. Remember these kids are going to recover in God's time, and we have NO way of knowing how long that is.

Jane in CT

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I also needed to hear that

I also needed to hear that about hopes and expectations. Yesterday it finally dawned on me that if my son stopped cold turkey gaming today the damage, the lack of skills and stunted growth will be huge to overcome to make it. I guess always hanging in the back of my mind was "well when he quits gaming and gets back to school it will all fall into place." but when I realistically took a brief assessment of his 3 years out of high school it hit me how recovery will not be an instant month thing if he ever choses it anyhow. if he quit today how many years might it take? also how hard it is to seperate the feelings of how my boy was or I felt he was (mom blindness) versus who this man really is. nostalgia and hope wrap up my rational thinking.

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Alex moved out of the motel

Alex moved out of the motel today. I took him to the potential employer and left him there. His clothes are in my car, but I know his computer was in his backpack. Last night, Ron and Natalie took him to two church based shelters and to the "Overflow" which is the area downtown where the homeless congregate at night. All of these scared Alex. Ron and Natalie are going to invited Alex to their home tonight so they can talk to him and help him decide what program he should go to. I am so thankful that God brought action to my family yesterday and today. But, I don't know where it will take us and I have faith we will all be taken care of. I don't think Alex can even identify his issues. Some of the men at one shelter asked Alex what brought him to this place and Alex said he really didn't know. This is sad to me. So, today is the day Alex is truly on his own. Please OLGA family, pray that my child is kept safe....that's is all I want....for him to be safe.

hannylala
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Alex didn't get the job.

Alex didn't get the job. He's decided to move into a men's homeless shelter and then apply for a program in 15 days. And I heard all of this from a stranger and not him. I am meeting this person at 7 to handover Alex's clothes so he can go tonight. I am washing them first because that's the only thing I do for him. But, Ron and Natalie are still involved and taking him to the shelter so I don't have to see that. And this is a blessing.

How the hell did we get here?

person
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Dear Hanny, oh i hear you

Dear Hanny, oh i hear you and wish so badly i could say something to make all this go away! not in the same exact way but the ripping of the heart we all know here. yet take comfort that you are not enabling him to continue gaming with no consequences that would be so easy today i know so tempting but you ARE doing what is best for him.You are helping him to grow up. this game addiction thing definetly hit us all unexpectedly. You are doing the right thing. take care of yourself. he does have shelter. he will be fed and he will see where he is.

person

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I am glad to see you and

I am glad to see you and your family are being blessed by God to discover help and healing for your son. Everything you described in your original post I can relate to because I have an 18 yr old son with very similar traits. You are correct that prayer and dependence on Christ is a parent's only hope.

Shalonda

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Here's what happened last

Here's what happened last night...

Alex checked out of the motel at 11 AM on Friday. I took him to the furniture plant again. He filled out an application but for some unknown reason, he left before he could be interviewed. Result-he didn't get a job. I was so angry and sad...knowing this would be the end of Alex's options.

We met Alex at 7 PM to give him freshly washed clothes, new underwear and socks. Ron and Natalie brought him to meet us. He immediately asked if we had cleaned out his suitcase (we had-taking his video games). He was very angry. I gave him a big, big hug and told him that we would wait to hear from him. I told him we would keep his phone on so he could call if he needed to. He walked away-saying nothing-very angry.

Natalie and Ron said that they had offered to have Alex stay with them this weekend and he could go to the shelter on Sunday after church. Alex CHOSE to go to the shelter rather than stay with them...we were all baffled. Rich and I believe that Alex (who professes to be atheist) would have rather been in the shelter than hearing the Word of God from Ron and Natalie. So, they took Alex to the shelter. When they got there, the shelter residents were at the program building (where Alex will transition in a couple of weeks) AT CHURCH SERVICES!!! From the first minute he hit the doors, God had Alex's attention.

Earlier this week, someone told Alex that if he ignored God, God would to him through tragedy. I was so upset-praying to God for a solution. And then, I was so angry that the shelter was what God chose. And THEN, God reached to Alex right away. THIS IS GOD'S POWER---UNDENIABLE, UNAVOIDABLE and ABSOLUTELY GOOD. AMEN and THANK YOU GOD!!!

I prayed that my child would be kept safe...I see that he will be safe because he is in the palm of God's hand. God does answer prayers...He does...He really, really does.

sj1982
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Do you think there is any

Do you think there is any link between gaming and not learning to drive? My son is 18 and having a terribly hard time learning to driving.

hannylala
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Hi sj1982, I think Alex

Hi sj1982,

I think Alex would rather be in front of the tv/computer than driving. We used the driving as an incentive for our kids to do well in school and have jobs...good grades=job=car. Bad grades=no job=no car. At first, we thought driving was something Alex willingly gave up so he could keep screwing around in school. That the car wasn't reason enough to do well in school and get a job.

But now, I think the not-driving is another symptom of the addiction. Alex would rather game 24/7 and any other activity is just a distraction/barrier to what he'd rather do...which is to game.

But, when we were trying to teach him, Alex was a horrible driver...very nervous, terrible spacial ability, slow reactions...which surprised me because he can negotiate those games great. I am not sure if these have some physiological cause or if he's just so into the gamer frame of mind, he can't get out of it. In the end, we were thankful that he didn't want to drive because we would be afraid that he would cause a terrible car wreck.

That probably doesn't help you at all.

Here's a question for you that just came to mind...what does your son's facial expression and voice tone and body language do when he is talking to you about games?

gsingjane
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Intresting thing about the

Intresting thing about the driving, Hanny and SJ, our gamer son also has very little interest in driving, and he's already 18. Now part of this is that we didn't really stress it, we only have one car and plan on keeping it that way... my husband grew up in NYC and is used to people not driving until they're older... and we've also had our share of automotive tragedies in our extended families. But, our son's determined lack of interest in driving is very pronounced. His 15 yo sister is already studying for her license, looking at used cars... but not our gamer son.

He says that he won't learn to drive until we buy him a car. Frankly, this is ridiculous. We aren't in a position to buy him a car, nor would we ever... and we've never said or done anything that would give him that impression. I think the "buy me a car" thing is just a rationalization.

To me, as I think partly to you, the not driving thing is part of staying a little boy. It's just another adult responsibility he refuses to assume. So many things that so many of us embraced as we reached young adulthood: having a love interest, getting a job, driving, displaying independence in travel and decision-making... it all seems threatening and upsetting to these kids for some reason. They'd just rather game.

Jane in CT

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I have to agree. We

I have to agree. We practically had to force our son to learn to drive. It was necessary since he was attending a charter school quite a distance from home during the summer. His ability to drive saved me making a round-trip each day. Because he just couldn't make time in his gaming schedule to attend a typical, evening driver's ed class, we did the Driver's Ed In-a-Box method. He had his license for the last two weeks of high school but couln't be bothered to turn in the form for a school parking pass! Once he had his license, he started using the car to buy fast food or to escape home to friends' houses when we removed gaming privileges. Many times, he simply parked in the school lot (a community college) and used their campus network and school provided laptop to play WoW.

My daughter, on the other hand, went to a driver's ed school and was diligent. She got her license on her 16th birthday and has been driving ever since. Both kids are responsible drivers now, and they each have a car. This is TX and we live 25 miles north of the city. There is no public transportation in our neck of the woods so a car is a necessity for school and/or work.

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Hi hannylala, My son's

Hi hannylala,

My son's facial expression while gaming is filled with contentment and happiness. He says gaming relaxes him. He says the games are apart of him and to reject the games is to reject him.

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Hi WowParent, If you had to

Hi WowParent,

If you had to summarize with bullet points, what do you think were the key ingredients in your son's success? Please post as a topic if this request is appropriate.

Thanks,

your fellow Texan

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on the driving our son didnt

on the driving our son didnt seem to interested either but we also live out in the boonies so it is a basic for everyone to drive. I kind of got the sense from my son it was also kind of the fear of failure thing too. but mostly the I dont have time to learn and game.

person

hannylala
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Alex walked away from the

Alex walked away from the shelter/treatment center last night sometime between 8 and 9 PM. He hasn't had contact with us or Natalie or Ron but we think he's safe (and gaming) because he posted on facebook 4 hours ago.

***sigh***

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Hannylala, I keep you and

Hannylala,

I keep you and your son and family in my prayers.

I do not comment here so much anymore, but I do read occassionally-and I will never forget the help everyone here at Olganon gave me. All I can give, to whoever wants them, is my best wishes and sincere prayers for all.

hannylala
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Alex has blocked all of our

Alex has blocked all of our phone numbers from his cell phone so we have no means of reaching him.

Thank you everyone for your prayers...it matters and helps me...and Alex too.

gsingjane
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(((Hanny)))  ... I am so,

(((Hanny))) ...

I am so, so sorry your family is going through this right now. Please stay strong, stay united, stay connected with the other folks in your house. I know it's completely natural for everybody to get focussed on Alex and his issues, and you know, I'll bet that's exactly what he wants. He knows you're freaking out big-time about where he is and what he's doing, and I'm sure on some level he finds that satisfying.

Alex is going to start recovering when he gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired." When he realizes that, no matter how much he hurts you, it isn't going to compensate for his life being a total mess. When he realizes that, no matter how much he blames you or holds you and your husband responsible for what's happened to him, he has to go on with his life regardless.

Suppose you guys were drug addicts and let Alex grow up a wolf child? Suppose, God forbid, you had died? Would that give Alex the "right" to destroy his own life? No, of course not. There is no "cosmic justice" that "entitles" Alex to go down the tubes even because of real bad things that might have been done to him, much less imaginary ones.

Try to find the joy and hope in the small things. Know that you are doing the right thing and that, as awful and scary as it is, Alex has chosen the road he's walking on right now... and he has to walk it alone.

Love,

Jane

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I second what Jane said. 

I second what Jane said. Hugs to you.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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Father's Day came and went

Father's Day came and went just like Mother's Day....without any contact from Alex.

I saw Toy Story 3 this weekend. Alex was 4 when the first one came out and he loved Woody and Buzz. We saw the trailer together at a different movie last year. Alex and I agreed that we would see it together when it opened. I cried through the whole dang movie...thank goodness for the 3-D glasses.

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads....you deserve more than just one day.

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I saw toy story3 tonight

I saw toy story3 tonight too. My reaction felt much as you describe especially the end and I must say these pixar movies seem to strike a chord of the technology and some of the true life lessons in the plot that I have notice many of our older teen/ young adults gravitating to. In our audiences many teens were there, a few on dates, not near as many children, even youg adult couples. Humor, messages of integrity, selflessness, loyalty, packaged in high tech package seem to bring them out. Also great story writing. sorry for the pain you felt i did too but also hope that my son still has a brain (that still seems thristy for knowledge) and soul and with his current financial stuggles due to immaturity and game play in excess are leading him to some hard logical conseqences. The past 2 weeks or so we have seen some tiny incremental changes for the good which it seems to me to chalk up to the very nature of his matturity being thwarted to his gaming in such an addictive manner but it does seem that the light bulb moment I so want to see is coming in ways but not in that brilliant way that would make a great TV moment. It seems t is coming more at the rate of a slow glow from like a flourescent bulb. is deserve much more in face to face fellowship and friendship in rl but one day I bet that will happen but for now thankful at what we have here very much.

person

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I have more hope than usual

I have more hope than usual today.

Praying very, very hard.

gamer_mom
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I just found this thread.  

I just found this thread. I've been reading it and it brings me so much pain and it's so similar to my own son's story. And I understand the facebook thing. I go on and check for the little green light that shows me that he is at his computer and still alive.

hannylala
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Facebook is the only way I

Facebook is the only way I can reach him. Sometimes we chat. But when I don't see the green light for days, I am so afraid...

But today, he called and was yelling at me because his PSP went missing months ago and he thinks we have it. He sounded crazy.

I'm so sorry you are drinking from this cup also. But, I hope you find some comfort that you are truly not alone. That's the greatest help to me-knowing that there other families who have this pain too. At first, I thought it was ridiculous and I was looking for some excuse for my boy's behavior. But now, I see all of our stories are the same...and, somehow, that makes it easier.

If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. I hope your family finds peace in the days to come.

Angela

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I just "talked" to my son on

I just "talked" to my son on IM. He's planning to take on a new job traveling around the county doing merchandising for a temp agency for several companies. He will have to fly out to various places in the country to do this. It means he has to get on an airplane, book himself into a hotel, and get himself up for a day job that starts at 8 AM when he hasn't been awake during the day for more than 3 years. How in the world can he possibly think that he will be successful? He has been whining to me for months that he can't work day jobs because he has worked 2nd or 3rd shift for more than 4 years. But now, he is so certain that he can make this work. I hope it means enough to him that he actually can make it work. He says he can minimize his gaming and do this job. Time will tell. It was only 3 weeks ago that he thought he could go back to college and then quit in 3 days. Well, at least he's talking to me. I'm trying not to tell him that he won't succeed. Maybe he will. I pray that he will.

At least you can be thankful that he hasn't "unfriended" you from facebook. If he does that you won't even be able to see the green light. Then you would be really cut off. I hope that doesn't happen to you, or to me either. It would be really hard. The fact that he is communicating a bit through facebook is good.

If you are like me you are probably being careful about your interactions so that he doesn't cut you off completely. I know that I'm being careful to keep from totally alienating my son. I don't want him to cut me off. Sometimes I want to tell him that I think something he is doing isn't a good idea or isn't rational but he gets so defensive. I'm trying to keep a lot of comments to myself and just let him figure it out for himself. Then at least he can't blame me.

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That seems to be a step in

That seems to be a step in the right direction! I tend to cling to even the slightest hope with great vigor. But, that's because those moments come very rarely for me. But for you, I hope this will be a new, lasting start!!!

Has your son said anything about stopping the gaming because it detracts from his quality of life? Has he recognized the loss he's endured? My son most recently said that he will never stop gaming completely...it's a part of who he is. This scares me because I know meth addicts and active alcoholics who said the same thing.

Good luck!!

Angela

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My first instinct about the

My first instinct about the job is that it's a wish and not necessarily a given. I worked in the temporary industry for more than 2 decades and don't recall ever even hearing about a job that required travel for a merchandizing position. There are people in need of jobs in every city of this country and a local temp service would probably be contacted to provide them.

That is one thing about an addict of any kind...you can't trust them. It took me a very long time to reach the point where I don't second-guess what my son tells me. It's not that they never tell the truth; it's just that they lie so easily and our son did that infinitely more than he told the truth. In my experience, they project a high self-esteem when it comes to their capabilities, even if their actual self-esteem and maturity is low.

My son still thinks he knows everything. He debated with me last week about the educational capabilities of our learning different daughter. This from a 20 year-old, academically gifted kid who wouldn't know a learning difference if it hit him in the head. And I've got a Master's in Education, taught learning differences for years, etc. Just beware and take anything he says with a grain of salt. Until he's recovering, that's about all it's worth, IMHO.

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Well, I discovered that it

Well, I discovered that it is a real job and it's actually more common than I thought. I was able to talk to the recruiter and go to the website of the company. It could be a great thing for him if it gets him away from gaming. He would only have his laptop which doesn't have the speed and the graphics for the games he plays. But even though the training for this job starts next week he is still staying up all night gaming. The job is a day job. It means traveling to a location, checking into the hotel and then waking up early in the morning to be at the location. then getting on the road and traveling to the next location. Just last night he was up gaming all night again. He woke up today at around 4 PM. I wish that this job could be the answer but I'm afraid that he won't even make it through the training because he won't stop gaming at night and go to bed. He thinks he can just switch his body clock just like that and start this job. He seems to have forgotten that he lost his last job because they switched him to first shift and he couldn't get up.

hannylala
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These are his decisions.

These are his decisions. Staying up late. Getting up late. When to eat. These are all his choices.

One of the hardest things I have learned in the past six months since I have been in this group is to "detach with love". This means removing myself/yourself from your addicted child's life in a loving, not an angry, way. And, letting him and his life unfolds as it will. It's hard. It's painful. Some days, I fail miserably at it and seek him out. But, I have learned that my child needs to make very serious mistakes before he hits the bottom and the only way out of his addiction to get to that bottom.

As moms and dads, we spend so much of our time and energy making sure our babies are safe and happy. We feed them good food. We strap helmets on their heads. We teach them how to cross the street safely. And then, when these terrible things happen to our kids, we are told kiss them and let them go-knowing they will be hurt and suffer and we cannot intervene. It is exactly opposite of what we know to do-what we are hard-wired to do. BUT WE MUST.

Another member here gave me this example and it has carried me through very bad days. She said it's like when a child has cancer and the only way to beat the cancer is to take him to the doctor for a treatment we know will hurt. The child says, "no, no, no, no. I don't want to do that. It will hurt." But we, as parents, know it has to be done to save our child and we take them anyway. This addiction our children have is like a cancer. They have to suffer to get better. Even if our hearts break a million times over as we watch it happen.

Last thing, the power of God is truly amazing. Up until 5 years ago, I was lazy believer. But, I have witnessed true, honest miracles. A child recovers 100% from a gunshot wound to the head. A man walks away from a car accident that almost torn his car in half. A desperate plea for a new path is answered immediately. I have personally see these things happen...all the result of humble, complete and faithful prayer. Our God is more powerful than a video game...Our God can overcome and heal addiction...Our God can save our children. He can. But, He will on His time and according to His infinitely good plan. God wants our children to be happy and healthy and to know Him. When it is right and good, God will claim your son's heart and my son's heart and will invoke great change in their lives. I know this to be absolutely true.

So, maybe it's time to do this....detach with love....Love your son unconditionally. Let your son go completely. Let God do the rest perfectly. That's all you can do and yet it's a powerful and loving thing at that.

Few have the strength to do this. I know you can. I am here for you when you feel weak and unable to stay strong. But, your child needs this. He cannot get better if you do not let him go.

I am with you here and in prayer.

Angela

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Gamer-Mom:  I just re-read

Gamer-Mom: I just re-read some of our past posts....And I want to add this one small, yet painful, note.

Your child will be angry and will stop talking to you. Mine has...it has been days since I have seen him on Facebook and talked to him on the phone (I don't count this last call when he was yelling at me.) When this happens, it is not your child....it's the addiction talking/acting....your child is good and loves his mom....the addiction does not.

What I think is most important is not to say anything that makes "coming home" hard for him to do. You love him. You hope he can sort this mess out for himself. You are here when he's ready to live a responsible, game-free life. And you love him some more.

That's all...I am sorry it's so long. But, I think these are important things to say...for you and me...

Love-Angela

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Dear gamer_mom, (and dear

Dear gamer_mom, (and dear hanny also!)

Yes, live in "detachment with love", and keep reaching into your adult child's world with UNCONDITIONAL and small, short gestures of love, expecting NOTHING in return. (not to try to manipulate them, but to show your true love and care.) I once heard an inspirational speaker recount how she wanted her adult son to do this and that, act like this, and this is how she brought him up, etc. Then she realized and came to believe and repeat to herself every time he let her down, "He doesn't owe me ANYTHING!" Of course we'd like our kids to "owe" us a "debt of love", but realistically we can't--at some time they will hopefully come to their senses and arise and call us blessed! (hmmm...they just might come to their senses around 35 years old and realize how very smart and wonderful their mom/dad is! lol--almost!)

A few years ago when my formerly loving and devoted daughter went through a very heartbreaking prodigal period, I was absolutely devastated, confused, angry, heartbroken. Especially at first; and up and down from time to time. Then I pressed on, forgiving her, loving her from afar, every time she hurt or ignored me. I persevered in fasting and prayer, and would pray for opportunities to show her kindness, love, a short email with words of love, encouragement, or blessing. NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING OR ANY RESPONSE in return. NOT being foolish, but hopefully in wisdom and loving detachment. In between those times I lived my life being who I am called to be, working at whatever was in my hand with all my might. And it was freeing, knowing that I was doing what I knew what was right, and it was up to her (and God's pressure upon her!) to eventually turn...and she did. A terrible price has been paid, and yet she is now living a fruitful life. It's still difficult, though, as she recently wept, revealing to me that she is STILL climbing out of that horrible time!

And hanny is SO right! The Living God is BIGGER than anything you are facing! And He is STRONGER than your strongest foe! Take courage, dear moms. And dads. And spouses, loved ones! The Mighty Warrior is on the move.

Most sincerely, IHS

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I just can't understand how

I just can't understand how he became this way. He was the "golden boy". So much promise, so creative, so much a leader, until the games. Now living in squalor with his dead beat gamer friend also living in his house for free, not paying for anything, occasionally working when he wants to buy a few new toys or an X-box etc. (meaning his friend). The people from "Get it Now" knocking on the door to pick up the big screen TV that he "bought" during the month that he was recently employed. My other grown children won't see my son anymore. They have given up on him. They don't want to see him and they don't want me to see him because they say that it only gets me upset. My other children have walked away and they say that he is nothing like the rest of the family. They don't know who he is and they aren't going to waste their time with him. The whole thing is so terribly sad. I try to walk away too and then he calls me with some new idea; some new short lived flash of enlightenment like this new potential job that he probably won't be able to do, or the college program that he started that ended in three days. I try to support his decision and I hope each time that he will succeed but he doesn't and then he makes excuses. He will not accept the reality that the failure is due to his gaming and his staying up all night.

I would like to believe that God has a plan for him. What if Gods plan for him is just death? I can't bear the thought of that. My son looked at me straight in the eye a few weeks ago at a family gathering and told me that he was an atheist. Now I feel guilty even about that.

InHiStrength
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Dear, dear gm, Oh, yes, how

Dear, dear gm,

Oh, yes, how very, very discouraging and disheartening this all is for you! Although my daughter wasn't involved with/addicted to games, it does not matter what her "addiction"/#1 relationship was for quite awhile, it is all the same, just a slightly different face. I still stand by the statement above; it's not my truth, it's God's, so it will never change:

"The Living God is BIGGER than anything you are facing! And He is STRONGER than your strongest foe!"

And He is certainly BIGGER and infinitesimally MORE POWERFUL than your son! (And of course, the author and possessor of Love and Goodness) But He is also a Gentleman of the highest order and will never force Himself or anything down anyone's throat. HOWEVER, He can arrange/allow things, situations, circumstances, etc that can make your son VERY uncomfortable and miserable so that he can't stand the gaming and how he is living. (and yet preserve him with great mercy) Isn't that what "hitting bottom" is all about--and is THE call to beginning life and freedom? :-)

So, that's my prayer for your young man. Can he resist it? Yes. And there's the rub: his free will. But it's the best hope and also the best risk you have, along with staying in the truth and in reality, forgiving him from your heart every time he's hurt you and continues to do so, and showing little acts of love/kindness without any strings attached AND ESPECIALLY without enabling him/helping him game or pay for games. (For example, if you feel ok about it, you can give him a bag of grocery staples once in awhile, but not money. Or invite him out for a great cup of gourmet coffee or tea or a sundae, whatever, and chat about anything except gaming, but don't give him moolah for a treat or dinner.)

Right now, your son almost is like your "foe" or enemy, as he is going against all that you hold dear and have tried to teach him over the years. But that doesn't mean that you hate him or have to act ugly towards him. That is not the way of love and functional living. No matter what your other kids do, I hope you will do what you know is right. You will be able to live with yourself. And... BTW, God is NOT the author of death; He is the Author of life...too complicated to go into here!

I may also PM you if there is something else that comes to mind, but want to be thoughtfully considering it in the meantime.

YOU ARE LOVED, gm! Your son's choices are his. Yours are yours. Try not to rush into things, and try to live in a way that you'll be able to actually "live with" your choices, actions, attitudes, words, with not too many regrets.

In all sincerity and care,

IHS (BTW, your dear son is very much LOVED also! He just doesn't realize it or act it right now.)

hannylala
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Hi gamer_mom, I understand

Hi gamer_mom,

I understand your confusion...this isn't what you had planned for your boy. This isn't what he is capable of. But, this is his life. These are his choices. And, unfortunately, these are the consequences. I have found that the hardest thing was letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for my child. He could be ANYTHING. He could do ANYTHING. He's smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate...but for now, he is where he is. And, all of my hoping won't change it.

It must be heart-breaking for you to see your other children turn their back on your son. I was on of those children when my brother was putting my mom through the ringer with his drug addiction. I feel so badly for the additional pain I caused her. But, those of us who are standing on the sidelines, watching our loved addict struggle, still must continue with our lives. We must take care of ourselves and stay healthy, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our broken children will need us to be on the top of our game when they come home.

You are a good mom. You have provided your son with every opportunity and every skill to be happy and healthy. His choices in living arrangements, faith, work...are his alone. They are NOT a reflection on you. They are NOT a result of you. You have done your job well. Please take care of yourself.

God's plan is not for our children to suffer and die. He will protect our children. He will. I really believe that the pleading prayers of mother are answered swiftly and with great care. For now, take comfort that this life your son is living is temporary.

Angela

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