My son is 23 he started gaming at the young age of maybe 8 or 9 years old, thanks to me. I didn't see the harm in it at the time. We lived in the city and he didn't have many friends and this seemed to occupy his time. It kept him out of trouble. In fact we thought it was doing him good. His reading skills improved 100%. He developed great problem solving skills and coordination skills.
Around 10 years old I noticed that he seemed to weigh more than other boys in his age group, but assumed as he grew taller he would thin out. I had a hard time getting him to do chores or go outside and play with other boys. We would ground him and take away his game but find out later that he often times would wait until we went to sleep to steal the game back and replace it before we woke up. He revealed to us recently that one Christmas he waited until we went to sleep, crawled into our bedroom on his hands and knees, got the keys to my husbands car and unlocked the truck where we had Christmas gifts hidden. He searched through all the gifts, found a video game he had asked for unwrapped it, played it all night, re-wrapped and replaced it. He then crawled back into our bedroom and replaced the keys. In the morning he acted surprised when he opened the gift for the second time. He thought this to be funny, I did not. In fact I was furious. I realized that this boy had a serious problem. I wish I would have realized it sooner.
This sort of addictive behavior continued into his teenage years. By then he had developed a sleep disorder. He was staying up during the night to play his games, would then drag himself to school and then come home and sleep the rest of the day. A problem which continues to this day except he drags himself to work and not school.
He missed a lot of school and got poor grades. Not to mention that his weight got totally out of control. We had a hard time getting him to take showers, change his clothes or doing anything else. Many friends and family told us to rest assured that this would all pass, that it was typical teenage behavior. Friends and family told us to be proud of him because he wasn't out getting into trouble, drinking and doing drugs like most teenage boys his age. They told us that video gaming was the 'in thing', and that all the kids were doing it and that it would pass. They complimented his maturity, intelligence and manners. So once again we sat back and waited.
I watched as girlfriends came and went. As soon as they realized that his video games were more important than them, they were out the door. Many expressed their concerns about him not showering or his room being disgusting or the fact that he didn't spend any time with them. I would take these concerns to him and tell him that if changes weren't made he would lose his girlfriend. He still maintained that he was not an addict and THEY were the problem.
Nearing graduation I feared that he might not graduate and I really got on him. He did buckle down and surprisingly he passed with flying colors.
So here we are and he is now 23. He has had a girlfriend for almost three years. We helped them buy a house and six months ago they had a daughter together. Most of their relationship has been a struggle. Most of their fighting due to his excessive gaming. I know that he spends money on either renting games or buying games second hand. He doesn't make much and it is such a waste. When I confront him, he justifies his gaming as his entertainment. He says "I don't have cable and I don't have a computer, this is my only form of entertainment." He doesn't realize that he consumes the TV with his gaming and his girlfriend is left sitting there alone. If he gives in and let's her have the TV he will go straight to her laptop to game instead of maybe sitting with her and enjoying a movie. It's all about the game. Not too mention he has a million things he could be doing around his house. She cuts the lawn!
When they fight it gives him an excuse to leave and go play games with his friends who are also gaming addicts. He does go to work everyday. He is a good worker and reliable so I am told. Thankfully he is maintaining a job so there is less time for gaming. Still yet more time is spent gaming than with his girlfriend and their daughter. She is fed up and has been threatening to leave. I hate to see this happen because I know he loves her and their daughter and after they leave he will realize this. If he doesn't get intervention now it will be too late for them.
I am desperate. I just don't know what to do. The kid lives a baseball throw away, really. I can see his home from mine. He never comes to visit us. He says that we always nag him and he doesn't want to hear it. We see his girlfriend and the baby more than we see him. We use to help him a lot financially, if he would get in a bind. We just cut him off recently and told him to start figuring out his own problems. We feel that we have been enabling him. This is killing me as a mother. I am so worried and I feel so guilty for not seeing this problem sooner. I am not sure what I would have done to stop this or if I even could have. This has caused him so many other emotional problems. He has a very low self-esteem because of his weight problem. He takes everything too serious, you can't even carry on a conversation with him. He lies like a bandit as well. Especially when it comes to his gaming. I also know he has financial problems because I have bill collectors calling me. I think he is in debt with credit cards due to buying games. He insists he is debt free, I just know he is lying.
Is there anything I can do to start turning this around?
Debbie in Ohio
Debbie, there are a lot of people experiencing these problems with spouses/partners, family members. I came forward because I do firmly believe that internet gaming is on a par with alcohol and drug addiction. Unfortunately, that means that not much can be done until the person is willing to admit the problem and seek help. Even worse, it often takes the loss of a relationship or some other major event to bring the addict to that point. You have taken the right first step in ceasing to enable.
Welcome to ALGA-non, d.s.mess. You ask a number of questions, several of which I will try to answer. First, don't feel too guilty about introducing video games to your son. As you mention at the beginning, they did help his reading skills since video games do have their positive aspects. However, for some people and with certain video games, especially MMORPGs, they can be quite addictive. However, as WoW Parent says, there is not much that you can do unless he himself admits that he has a problem and wants to seek help. Do not feel guilty that you did something wrong as a parent. Until quite recently, most people were completely unaware of the problems that video games can cause to some people. It sounds to me like you are a very good, caring mother who is trying to do her best for her son. There is nothing more that any mother can do, or any child can ask, than that. I also agree with WoW Parent that ceasing to enable is the right thing to do. Also, although it will be difficult, your son's girlfriend should try to do the same thing as well (e.g., not cutting the grass). Finally, if you have not already done so, encourage your son to visit this Web site and read some of the posts. That may help him to realize that he has a problem and needs to do something about it.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
Welcome. You have done the right thing by ceasing to enable. I agree with J D'oe--don't blame yourself . You will see how hard it is for the other mothers here (me included) and we are here because we want to help our kids. It's harder with an adult child but you took an important first step. Some have taken the step of writing a letter tot heir loved ones--you might try that especially since he sees you as 'nagging' so he won't listen. Enlist the help of his girlfriend too.
Good luck.
Welcome to OLGA-non d.s.
We are so familiar with your story. Do not feel guilty. You could not have known. You did the right thing by cutting him off. His girlfriend is going to have to decide whether she wants to stay, because it might take her leaving to finally wake him up. Tell him you love him, tell him you understand how addictive his games can be, but tell him that you will not enable him anymore. Good luck and hugs to you from another mom.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
at least you still have contact with your son...mine moved in with his girlfriend and she is an enabler..he and his sister(we only have 2 children) were so very close...and now she cries because he will probably not stop gaming long enough to go to her wedding...we have not seen him in months, not even holidays or family celebrations...he does not answer the door or phone and his dad and i are walking around with broken hearts...he has so much potential...and it doesn't help that his girlfriend told me to leave the apartment because the one time i got him to answer the door, he was gaming, drinking mt. dew(caffeine) and had chew in his mouth....he dropped out of 2 different colleges, and had automatic withdrawal implimented for an on-line school...he has no degree, and, at 25, he is an adult ...we recently cut him off financilly, too, so we did not continue to enable him...how do i get this message and website info to him?...the last note i put in his car a month ago is still there, unopened...he wasn't reared this way...i have never been in a chat room before...i can bearly use a computer...but i am terrified that if he does snap out of this, he may hurt himself...we are desperate..we just want him home, healthy, and preferably with one of his past girlfriends, who we all got along with and who still visit..this one doesn't only addressed our dogs when she entered our home...she is unlike any other girl he has dated...she doesn't practice common courtesy and respect...he doesn't intervene when she is rude to his family and people in public...we realize that he is addicted but cannot reach him...thank you for this website and for any help you can give us...we all want our family back...
Well, if you've cut him off financially, that's a start.A Maybe enabling GF will get tired of supporting him?A If and when you do talk to him, focus only on how much you miss the young man he was, how concerned you are for his physical health, and how you can understand now how this thing got a grip on him after coming to OLGA.A DON'T bring up the toxic GF or diss her in any way, as much as you want to, and as hard as it is NOT to.A If she's a gamer, they will run out of money soon enough.A If she's not a gamer, she'll get tired of sitting around waiting to be noticed and split eventually.A Just do your best to make sure he's not embarrassed to come home to you when it happens. This is SO HARD, I know, to see your little boy become a whole different person that you don't recognize.A Hugs to you.A PM me anytime.A (click on my screen name, go to my profile, and click on send a personal message)
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I am so sorry 1981 mom. I agree that at least you had the right idea to not enable. Gamersmom is also right that you should try not to diss the girlfriend. If you communicate at all with your son, reassure him that you love him and want only what's best for him. If he was close to his sister, maybe she can reach out to him--take him out or do something they used to like. It's heartbreaking, I know. It's very hard to watch our talented children succumb to these games, lose direction, and in general make a mess of things. It may be that there are some other issues he has that led him to sought escape into the game. My daughter acknowledged as much and then it becomes a vicious cycle. My child is still a minor and we have made some headway. The reality is that since he is an adult, you have little clout--but cutting off financially is a good start. On occasion, I'd just send my kid an email saying simply I loved her. The other thing you might do is try to get some counseling support for yourself. We have to learn to cope with the situation we are confronted with. This is a good place to be for support and suggestions from other parents.
Thanks to all for your replies. I feel much better knowing I am not alone and that I am not going to be held accountable for his problem. My son met his girlfriend through other gamers. She was not really a gamer herself but merely a spectator most of the time. In the beginning they played games together, but she quickly realized that was all he ever wanted to do. She loves him and is trying her best to encourage him to do other things and participate more with their family. Less time, less gaming. Yesterday she told me that he has an upcoming event for work. It is a golfing outting. He has never golfed before and seems very interested in giving it a try. She even bought him clubs at a garage sale this weekend. He was very excited about the new clubs. Knowing him as I do, he will become very interested in this and it will help to occupy his time and keep him from gaming, I hope. He is a very skilled person. He enjoys bowling and is very good, almost at a professional level. He seems to be very competitive. I would like to say that this would be a good alternative to the gaming as it would get him outside and active. This in turn could lead to weight loss which will help his low self-esteem. On the other hand, with his addictive behavior he might exchange one habit for another. Or in fact never give up the gaming at all just add the golfing to the gaming which will give him no time with his family what so ever. I guess we will find out. To answer some questions, yes I have tried the letter writing route, didn't work. At first I thought my letters made some impact because he would come to me tearful and tell me he would try to be better. He would try, but eventually he would just go back to his old ways. In my heart I know that he is aware of his addiction. He is no dummy he is 23 years old and very intelligent. I do always reassure him and tell him I love him, constantly. You know it saddens me because his two best friends are gamers as well. I have known them since they were very young because they went to school with my son. They were always here gaming with my son. All the boys, including mine are very intelligent. The one young man is 25 years old, he is just as cute as can be. He has never had a girlfriend, NEVER. In fact the joke between the three is that he will end up being the 40-year old virgin. To me that is not funny at all. And no he is not gay, that I know for sure.....at least it appears that way. I think he is suffering from some insecurities because he is getting older and has never had a relationship. The other boy is 23 or 24 has had a couple relationships but none that have lasted. He is a wonderful guy, a hard worker, makes decent money and even manages to save some. He is very generous and has a kind and giving heart. However, he is still living at home with his mother. Gaming is also his addiction. All three have such potential, it makes me sick. Well I can go on for hours, we all know that. I just wanted to say that since I joined this group, in fact just this week, I have seen three things on TV talking about gaming and addictions! Good- the word needs to get out so new parents are aware.