I am trying to do my best to cope with a 16 year old son who is on the computer pretty much any waking moment that he's not in school. I share custody with my ex husband and he's at his Dad's more during the school year because his Dad resides in my sons school district and Im the next town over. My son spent most of the summer with me because I live near the shore and was able to get him a job last summer. He seemed like a completely different kid.. took pride in his work and his appearence. I had also fought to get my son mental health services becuase after our divorce and the back to back passing of my parents, he became increasingly depressed. I fear now that its heading back in that direction and my biggest issue is my ex husband not having a problem with all the screen time because he's a computer addict himself. Even when we were married, I used to have to push them both to get outside. Their whole lives revolve around gaming and I feel absolutely powerless. I have talked to counselors at both the school and the therapist he was seeing last year. They have all basically told me that my son has to be the one to change and my fear if I put severe restrictions on him when he's here, he wont want to come here anymore. His father and I really dont speak and I know if I try to have a dialog with him, it will go nowhere. So now I feel completely helpless and a failure as a mother because my son has no friends and no social life at all except online. His weight is increasing and his physical appearence is becoming increasingly dishevelved. He's falling asleep in school and there was a meeting last week with the geometry teachers who said they spend half the time keeping him awake in class. Im at my wits end and if I purposely kept my son locked in a room for 12 hours a day, I would be charged with child abuse. Any advice as to how to handle this? Or should I just detach and hope he comes to his senses? My other hope is that he gets another part time job soon. He's home from school by 2pm, is in no activities and has no friends that he spends time with. Thank you
Melisa
I am sorry for your dilemna. I see your point. When there is another place where he can live without any restriction, you are very limited to what you can do. If you put pressure on, he would simply go and live with his dad and you may not see him again. I guess in your situation the best approach might be to mention to him about this site any other recovering gamer's stories and the addictive nature of the games and how it effects the brain negatively. If he is anything like my son under the influence, you couldn't pass the first two sentences before he completely switches off. That is why I would only speak very little and pass concentrated info and choose the time when he was not gaming. Preferable when he was eating. I would spread what I intend to say over a few days instead of saying everything all at once. Your son may totally reject the idea like my son did, but even then secretly log in and look at this site and read the posts from other exgamers like my son did.
I think it is important that he realiezes that you love him very much and excessive gaming is detrimental to his well being. Detaching is an option but I knew I couldn't have felt good about myself unless I knew I tried everything I could to save him first. But if everything I tried failed and there was absolutely nothing more I could try, I think I would also try to detach and save my own sanity.
It is a difficult journey especially if his father is also an internet addict.
My heart goes out to you. Take care and all the best.
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
this issue has been years in the making and while I felt that I could get through to him before and have him involved in other activities he seems to becoming more and more consumed by the computer. Before he would at least listen to music and have interest in going to music shops, concerts or have friends over. Thats not happened in a long time and as much as I want to detach, because of like you said, I cant feel good about myself if I do. So like I said in the other thread, my hope is to work on getting him a job so he has something outside of the house that will require him to engage. Wish me luck
Melisa
Hi Melisa
Welcome to Olganon!
There is an option that you could try to get sole custody of your son; citing that your husband is a gaming addict and not able to enforce appropriate boundaries etc. I dare say it would be very messy and expensive to do it. I know that other parents who come here have also been concerned about their gamer spouse having joint custody if they decide to go for divorce, for that very same reason. For example here
I am really sorry that you are having this to deal with. I hope you manage to come up with a plan that may achieve something positve. I would suggest that you are frank with his school about the problem. You do not make it clear if you have diclosed how worried you are about this being addiction to them They may be able to offer support. They may be able to encourage him somehow. Addiction thrives in secret.
Keep coming back and delving in. You may read something that could help you
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I have explored the option of seeking sole custody but unless I can prove his life is in danger its a tough case. My lawyer told me that my chances are pretty slim. I wish I had done it at the beginning but at that time, my ex was in counseling for a myriad of other issues and I felt he was making significant progress. My ex is now with a woman and her 24 year old son who have moved in and they are gamers too so Im truly outnumbered. The bit of progress I made last year I feel like is becoming completely undermined and yes, I was very frank with the Youth Services Counselor at the school about my concerns. His previous youth services counselor at the middle school was the one who helped me expedite getting my son to outside regular counseling but even that I had to reach out to the courts for a parental coordinator. Im trying to steer my ex in a direction to work on getting Michael a part time job. Im trying to steer clear of the gaming issue because I know that will put my ex on the defensive and nothing will happen. So I need to be careful in my approach. My hope is now that the school is involved because there was an issue with my son falling asleep in class on a regular basis and my ex personally attacked the teacher via email blaming her for his failure in the class, that a meeting was called. So as much as I hate having the school this much in my business, I feel that now this issue is out there and on their radar that maybe I can get some help. My son was with me for the majority of last summer and I got him back and forth to work and he also took the local shuttle. I saw a big change in him... his weight dropped, he got a nice hair cut, was generally more social and outgoing. We would go to the beach after work or kayaking or he would have friends over... I've seen him revert back to being overweight, disheveled and no other interests other than the computer. Even when we are in the car, he's on the phone.. he's never not in front of a screen. There's significant mental health issues on both sides of the family and I am doing everything I can to keep my finger on the pulse here. I even met with a family counselor who I saw after the trauamatic events of my marriage and my son also saw too to get her insight. So its not for a lack of trying on this side. I just dont understand how my ex can be so flippant about this but then again, he's also an addict. he's always had ear buds, even when driving.. its just bizarre..
Melisa
Thanks for sharing this Melisa. I am glad the school is taking it seriously. Sounds like they are an excellent buffer between you and your ex. It is hard dealing with addicts in denial. I hope you can continue keep contact and influence with you son. We are with you.
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Job would be really good. Hope there will be one for him. Good luck Melisa!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
The fact that you recognize this as an addiction.. something that is truly disruptful to ones life. I tried to talk to my ex and didnt bring up gaming at all. Just that I thought a job would be nice to help have him have an interest outside of the house. I asked if we could set a date, like April 1st to work on this (this is because my ex isnt good at me "springing" stuff on him. He shot it down. I've since reached out to the parental coordinator and the youth services counselor. Im going to meet with the counselor next week. We need to get my son to open up a bit and see if we can get him to understand it would be good for him to seek a job. If that request comes from him instead of me, we have a better shot at making it happen. It was a nightmare last summer when I was trying to get him a job but we eventually prevailed. It just sucks I need to pull this many resources for something as simple as a job. Its not like my son is overwhelmed by homework and activities and friends. he's done at 2pm and has NOTHING other than the computer until he goes to bed at 1030 or so.. and later on the weekends. Im not going to give up until these efforts are exhausted. It sucks going into all my personal stuff with a school counselor but they need to know what Im up against!
Melisa
At least you can say you tried with your ex. I understand what you mean about not relishing exposing all this personal stuff. I hope this sets some wheels in motion.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here