Hi
My son will be 18 next week. He has lost over two years of school due to gaming. This has been going on for four years. He is very smart (IQ 146) but suffers from social anxiety. He is or shall I say used to be athletically gifted as well but has since lost so much muscle tone he can't do much. He games nearly all of his waking hours. In the past, I tried many different types of restrictions but they always ended up in extreme violence. There was a period of time were the police were being called on a regular basis - sometimes multiple times per day. This to the point where he was taken from my home and put into group homes...twice. He's been hospitalized put on and off a variety of drugs. He's had lots of suicide ideation. I had my home destroyed.
I also suffer from M.S. and the stress from all of this caused it to progress to the point where I can't really walk and now I am on permanent disability. I lost my business...I've lost everything.
Fortunately, the violence has stopped. I have been in counselling which has helped. He has had youth workers who have tried to reach him and there has been some small progress but this has recently all stopped. He should have graduated this year....
Since he is turning 18 there is no more help for him....because he's an adult now. He too is being put on disability.
I can tell you there is very little I haven't tried. Mostly, based on all the advice I have been given, I try to keep connected to him with as good as a relationship as I can. But everyday my heart breaks. My daughter is going overseas for her 3rd year of university and I have no other family around.
Right now, he barely comes out of his room. I make smoothies everyday (for him, my daughter and myself) and I make sure they are full of vitamins and nutrients. I also make dinner. Sometimes he eats it sometimes he doesnt. His sleep schedule is chaotic.
I know I have to reach him some how.. I know he needs help.. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO OR WHERE TO TURN.
Nobody seems to know...
His Mom
Dear TheMom
Welcome to Olganon. You have come to a very supportive place. We understand something of what you are going through. You have such a lot on your plate. God bless you.
Firstly I would recommend you attend the typed chat parents meeting on Thursday 9pm EDT for support for you if you can.
Your situation does seem very complex and I am sharing a few thoughts I have had and I hope they may be appropriate but apologies if I do not understand all your issues or you have thought about these ideas before.
I think in your situation you need to think about yourself first, because you cannot support your son unless you are as well as you can be. Do not feel guilty about doing that. It is for both of your good. While he is living with you and you are not able to influence him to change; you need to accept him as he is and try to detach from his choices. Worry will not help the situation. Detachment can bring you peace. I do this with my son. There is a lot about detachment on the spouses forum. I found reading the book " Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie to be helpful.
We will not always be around to support our children and a parents role is to enable then to live an independant and sustainable life. That may mean that he has to live somewhere else on a permanent basis unless he becomes more reliable and responsible and can live to your personal boundaries and rules in your home. This means that he has to be responsible for looking after himself and not rely on you to make his meals etc. so he is not a burden and he should be helpful to you
Even when our children have difficulties and conditions they need to be responsible for their actions and live with the consequences of their choices so they can learn about life. It can be hard for a parent to let go, but sometimes a situation requires drastic change for things to move on. It could be in both your interests.
As your son (and you) is at risk, anything you do to tackle his gaming must be with professional support; so making your home game free as we often recommend for parents, can only be done with such support. The theory is that after a period of withdrawal, the brain can eventually heal and the gamer become a more reasonable person to deal with.
Is it a question of finding the right therapist or living situation for him? In your shoes I would look for personal recommendation. Perhaps talk to the people at reStart in Seattle for advice. Dr Andrew Doan who posts on this site may be able to recommend a person or place. There is also a database of therapists on this site but you would still need to make sure they are suitable for your son. Parents have also had success with wilderness programs. Now he is 18 I do not know how it works for you regarding funding. there is a program called Teen Challenge which takes all ages and has been said to be free which you may be able to look into.
We have had folks with Aspergers kids post on here before so I would recommend you try doing a search with that as a key word; the box is at the bottom of the page.
I have also found http://www.empoweringparents.com an interesting place to read about other peoples trials with their children. You may get some ideas . You can also leave a comment after an article which is sometimes answered.
Look after yourself as your number one priority. Keep coming back!
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Big Hugs to you TheMom!
My hearth goes out to you. It is a very difficult situation to be in and I understand some aspects of your situation.
As a mother of a recovering gamer, I can empathize with a lot of the things you mentioned. Over the years I desperately tried to understand my son's situation and the change he has been going through. Like yours, mine is an intelligent, athletic etc young man. But somehow he was trapped into gaming.
To cut the long story short, I benefited from the following:
1) Coming to this site and reading about other mother's and gamer's experiences helped me to understand that I was not alone and gaming was becoming a common problem.
2) Everyone here was very helpful ,compassionate understanding and encouraging. They helped to make a plan and stick with it.
3) Dr Andrew Doan's " Hooked on games" and some other books such as "unplugged", 'cyber junkie" etc helped me to understand how addiction affects people.
4) I understood that gaming addiction usually affected people with high intelligence and some sort of mental issues: whether it is Aspergers, ADD, anxiety, social anxiety,depression, bipolar etc. Usually the person is in a lot of emotional pain and tries to escape from these uncomfortable feelings by numbing his brain via gaming. Gaming addiction affects the person's brain in a very similar way as the drugs, gambling etc do.
5) Finally I came across a really good book which brought a new ligth to all this: "You Are The Placebo" by Dr Joe Dispenza. He explains in his book that living under prolonged stress affects the brain in such a way that it is compartmentilized. In other words, sections of the brain stop communicating with each other and brain starts operating incoherently. Therefore sends foggy, mixed messages to the body and eventually disease start to take place. It could be physical illnesses as well as mental illnesses such as anxiety.When there are emotional or mental issues like that, the person looks for means of numbing these painful emotions. It could be drugs, alchohol or video gaming. As Dr Doan says, gaming becomes their digital drug and it gives temporary relief. But instead of helping the person with the condition, it actually makes the condition worse and pushes the brain intoi more chaos and disharmony. More chemical unbalances occur and dopamine dependency start etc. What Dr Joe offers as a solution is to solve the problem from the foundation and restore the balance in the brain. Heal the brain...He is explaining in detail how meditation helps to restore balance and harmony in the brain and help it work coherently again.
Since the brain doesn't work properly, it is very difficult to reason with the gamer. Excessive dopamine, desentasizes the cell receptors and cells shut down its natural receptor sites so that they can't find pleasure in anything other than gaming.Body starts searching for more dopamine by gaming even more. They are not motivated to do anything else. Therefore the hardest thing to do to convince him to try other things. If you can convince him to learn and do a regular daily meditation, it could be a start. We cut the internet off at our home and told him that we were no longer be part of this detrimental process. It was a very difficult process but we wanted to give his brain a chance to heal. In your case you may need to talk to a professional (who understands gaming addiction) and gradually stop enabling him by providing internet access for example. I know it is hard but as far as I can see it is the only way out of this misery. Unless their brain heal, they can't go back to living a 'normal' life.
Dr Dispenza's book is very informative and I believe meditation does help to heal the brain. Please let me know if you would like to discuss further any aspects of my post.
You are not alone! I know how painful it is to watch your talented, smart son destroying his life! But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hope you join us at Paren's meeting Thursday night at 9pm EST. Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
I know very well that all you have covered is true. Its alarming and disheartening. I also know that if I were able to shut the internet off, he would be able to start the 'healing' process. I have tried many simple and creatively elaborate ways to turn off the internet. You name it - I've tried it. Every last attempt failed with a variety of violent and dangerous consequences like breaking things, coming at me with knives, suicide attempts etc. The police, doctors and other professionals ALL agree that in my situation, I do not have the necessary resources to pull him off the internet and keep him, myself and everyone else safe...so I am STUCK!!!
His Mom
Just a reminder, I am in Canada. As far as him living somewhere else... not even possible. There is nowhere for him to go - and he does not have the skills to live independantly. Also, even if I wanted him to go, there is no way for me to force him to. If I tried, he would likely either become violent toward me and/or himself. Been there, done that - not going back. I am a member of a private online parent group through Aspergers Experts. A majority of these kids also have a have co-morbid computer addiction. My situation is complicated by the fact that I am a single mom, disabled with MS and no family nearby. The "dad" also a gaming addict with Aspergers was quite violent. (we've been divorced for over 15 years) He recently up and left the continent. My second husband (we divorced in 2011) is still around and although we are still frends, has nothing to do with my kids. My son has been through far too much loss and with my daughter moving away soon, me trying to send him away would be like signing his death certificate.
His Mom
I am really sorry that you have to deal with this situation on your own. It is a tough situation... Hope your son will realize soon what gaming is doing to him and be willing to deal with it with your help.. You will be included in my prayers. Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Some loved ones of addicts have found 'life-saving' face to face support from attending Al-anon meetings; Al-anon support anyone who has an addicted love one (not just alcohol addiction) and have meetings in most places. Perhaps there is meeting near to you
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here