I didnt know there were chatrooms like this or I would have joined sooner. As stated above my son is 24 years old, living with me, although I contract in England for 4 months at a time so he is alone at home with his sister who has a perfect social and university life and works part time. My son wakes about 12, always in a filthy mood, then gets on the computer and smokes his weed, and only comes out to find food. He plays till about 5 in the morning. The only excersise he does is taking the dog for a walk obour once every 2 weeks. I would kick him out however he is financially secure after inheriting money from his father, so he can easily move out and pay his own rent. The kids are paying their own internet, so I have no controp of that unless I cut the internet completely for the month that I will be home in Feb. I see the moving out as defeating the object as there would be nothing to gain from him moving out. He can pay his own way comfortably.My son dropped out of university twice! he was studying electrical engineering, then when he failed maths i knew he was smoking too much pot because my son is really good at maths He admitted the gaming wasnt helping him. I sent him to a psy last week and he says he has absolutely no problem and can stop when he wants but why should he. He also seems to think that it is not a problem to have never worked in his whole life apart form 4 months helping my brothers. The psy is suggesting a rehab, does this work, I see some people say it takes up to a year... That would be ages in a rehab, if he agrees to go to one, as he really believes nothing is wrong with his life..my son used to have so many friends, although he never enjoyed parties and going out much. i am at my wits end and am scared his whole life will be like this, and when his inheritance is finished he will be on the street.I am currently in England until Feb.
I would really appreciate some advice.
thanks kikidee
kikidee
Welcome kikidee
I can so relate to your stroy. My son is in a similar position.
It was my choice to stop enabling him; I do not want to be supporting his habit. We severely restricted his computer use in my home, made him give me his laptop etc. So he left.
I have learned i cannot control his addiction. He needs to find his own way to deal with it. he says he does not have a problem. He knows that his money is limited and its up to him to plan how he will use it. I am clear that when it is gone, I will still not enable his addiction and he will be left with nothing. It's up to him now.
I also want him gone to look after myself. WHen you realise that you cannot fix them, you have to fix yourself and get some peace.
Its your choice , but I would say you need to send a message that it is his life and he needs to find a sustainable way to live by himself. He needs to live in his own home and be fully responsible for the bills. You are there to help emotionally if he is reaching to go in the right direction. Or he can stay with you if he does XYZ (get a job, play for only 1 hour a day, whatever you want) But not for him to waste his life as he is currently doing. That money is his and his alone. Let it go...make him spend it. Let him see it ebbing away, like his life. He needs to grow up and he cannot do that while you arer enabling him
Give it some thought and make a well thought out plan. Knee jerk reactions are not the way to go. Maybe plan a kind of intervention so you can say your piece and so can the whole family. It may wake him up.
You can read my story though the members stories thread. http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-parents-gamers/members-stories
Read the thread about enabling too.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-parents-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling
Keep coming back !
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I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is not easy under your circumstances since he has money already.
I just wanted to say that psychologists don't get it.. Majority of them don't seem to know or understand the addictive nature of excessive gaming. Excessive gaming is as damaging to brain as drugs. That is why it is commonly referred by some as digital drugs. Failing at math could very well be because of his excessive gaming ( frontal lobe of the brain literally shrinks due to excessive gaming apparently).
If you cut the internet completely, if I understood you correctly, he will move out. That may not be such a bad thing. He will start using up his money for rent, food, internet etc and eventually money will run out. He will then be forced to find a job or try to move back in with you. You may accept him back under the condition that there is no gaming in your home.
It is a slippery slope, the more they game the harder it gets to stop and the longer it takes to recover from the detrimental affects. He needs to be put in a position to face reality and maybe allow him hit his rock bottom. Polga is in a best position to share her experiences due some similarities in the situation.
One last thing, they do what they do not because they are bad, stupid, immature, trying to make us mad etc..they do what they do because they more or less lost control of their lives...they can't help themselves...they are addicted...We need to show them our love and let them understand that we do what we do not to punish them but because it is not ethical for us to enable them in something which is very detrimental to their health and well being ...
Good luck and all the best!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
I totally agree with the mindset of sending him on his way. He will have to hit rock bottom one day perhaps, but at least it will not be in your space where you want to see a productive life.
As a mom, it breaks my heart to see my 24 year old this way. He is on his way to reStart program in Seattle in a week or two. We let him know that it is a one time effort on our part. We cannot do more than this. We will work with the suggestions of the rehab place but letting him live under our roof again? I don't think so. All the best, as you work this out.
No greater love
I agree with all of the above. Look after yourself. You do not need the hassle of feeding him, cleaning up after heim, and watching him throw his life away. He's going to do it anyway. Why should you have to watch. Tell him now that he has until Feb to find a place of his own.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth