15 years of my husband's excessive gaming--what was I thinking?? Need support

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Kennaz
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15 years of my husband's excessive gaming--what was I thinking?? Need support

I am 33 years old and have been with an excessive gamer now for 15 years. I have left him twice when we were younger, once because he would not/could not pay rent because he kept calling in sick to work so he could game more. He flunked out of school at least twice because he was gaming excessively but I could never get him to admit it was a problem. he even used to refuse/dismiss sex so that he could continue the game. Finally, he became so obese from sitting and playing that sex is barely possible and that paired with lack of hygeine etc. has made our marraige very rocky. Finally, he hooked up a facebook game to his paypal account and drained our savings by a couple thousand before I noticed, right as I am pregnant withour second son, and we have big medical bills coming in. Without draining savings further, we can't pay rent and birthday presents for our son. I don't mean to be callous, but I am so angry at this point that I can't seem to help myself--I married him because i loved him depsite everything, but now I just feel stupid. I knew he had a problem and now I don't understand what I was thinking to stay with him.

I cry constantly, not just because I'm pregnant, but because I'm grieving everything that could have and should have been. I am so close to just walking away.. His parents hate me because I am being insensitive and they think I am being silly over the mere $2,000 plus he just spent over the last three months, but it is so much more than that. My son and I eat alone most of the time while he sits at the computer and conversations stall out as I speak to him, onesided, while he stares at smart-phone games. After the money incident he's started admitting he has a problem but only somtimes. Then he backpedals when he starts contemplating a life without games. he's been, at least mostly off games for a couple of days and is now starting withdrawl. I am having a hard time being supportive when I am already so angry from years of this. I feel alone, and so sad, and so angry.

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Kennaz Its really moving

Hi Kennaz

Its really moving to read your story and the sense of grief and mourning for your lost life. 15 years is a long time. Life moves on quickly and 15 years cannot be reclaimed back, but it's part of your back story that can help project you to a new future if that's what you want. Those negative feelings are there for a purpose. They are useful and they are your friends because they are trying to care for you.

Believe me you are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. You are the only one who can care for you. You cannot control the addict. I would encourage you to seek support for you; we have weekly online typed chat meetings for spouses on this website, but also some spouses recommend face to face meetings at alanon, or naranon. You will have a chance to connect with others there. Some people describe the meetings as 'life-savers'. Many of the spouses also try to work the 12 steps as a way to achieve peace and detatch with love from the things they cannot change i.e. their gamer's addicition.

Please keep checking in here. All the best to you and your family.

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cdgoldilocks
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I am the spouse of a gamer

I am the spouse of a gamer and I curse like a sailor, so if that is a problem, you will simply have to skip this post.

**** his parents. They don't live with him and they aren't married to him. He spent money to care for your family on ****ING VIDEO GAMES. THOUSANDS of dollars. He is now obese because he sits on his ASS. He is probably getting blood clots in his legs. I know for CERTAIN that he is doing permanent damage to the arteries in his legs, and if he keeps it up, he will have to have bypass grafts to them at some point. He is at risk for heart disease, diabetes, hypertension because he sits and games. He probably has carpel tunnel syndrome from sitting and typing/mousing all day. His neck and back are probably bad. I could go on and on. But YOU are the bad one. Yes? Um, NO.

Sometimes tough love is TOUGH. They can suck it. I normally am not THIS CRUDE, but I am so freaking sick of addicts getting coddled. It is KILLING THEM.

My dear, you are sooooo not alone. Do you read me? And you do NOT have to put up with it. You don't have to make a decision and leave today, but you can set up some boundaries with him, his ****ed up family, and ANYONE else that presumes to tell YOU what is and is NOT ok with your family. How DARE they try and tell you how your family lives their life!

Are you mad yet? Do you even KNOW what you are feeling? Some gamer spouses don't even KNOW what they are feeling because everyone on the planet thinks they can TELL THEM how they should and should not feel. Do not listen to anyone but yourself and your higher power. Seriously.

Read over the posts here. There are blogs. Go to your local library and read the Al-anon literature. Start allowing yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR A GROWN ASS MAN TO GAME DAY AND NIGHT, GET SO FREAKING FAT HE WON'T TAKE A ****ED BATH, AND THEN SPEND THE FAMILY'S MONEY ON GAMES LIKE A 10 YEAR OLD. not normal. not normal. not normal. Feel validated? Only weird, ****ed up, abnormal people do this. He is choosing to cope with his life's stress in a weird, ****ed up , addicted way. It is OK and TOTALLY NORMAL for a loving spouse to want to help and understand why her partner would behave in this manner. What is NOT OK is when the behavior is damaging to the family. You are right to seek help and support.

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