16yr relationship ended - WOW/GLBT

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pooty
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16yr relationship ended - WOW/GLBT

I'm glad there is a place i can share my story with...Thanks in advance to all who read...

A week ago, being at the end of my rope, I broke up with my partner of 16 years. It's been a hard road for the past 9 years or so, lots of other issues she was dealing with and constant breakups, but what really cemented the breakup was her addiction to WoW. She has been playing non-stop since 2007. At first, it was something new and fun we both could enjoy, and for a while at least we both played it, yet still went about our daily lives. I was more interested in fishing, finding/buying rare pets, etc... and she got completely hooked on getting to the max level, raiding and getting the best loot. She would spend hours after work online, usually ending up going to bed around 3am or so. Obviously, there were what amounts to years going to bed by myself, and spending the majority of the night alone watching tv or spending time with our pets. She went from an active, social person with friends and hobbies, to an obsessed gamer who couldn't find enough time in the day to get as much WoW in as possible.

Fast forward to 2008. I was unhappy with her playing, and she wouldn't stop. Why would I want to take away something she enjoyed she would always ask. Why? Because we are in a relationship and we never spend any time together! She became more distant as the days went by. I happened upon her email at the time and read that she had been cheating on me with some girls from the game. I read things you never want to read about the person that says they love you and will never hurt you. She had been staying up late to talk to these women, having phone sex, etc... all the while i'm clueless in the next room. I confronted her and said I was going to leave and if she cared about me, she would tell me to stay. She did not, so I left. Fast forward again another year and we tried to make it work. She continued with WoW, and I found out she cheated again with the same woman from before. She didn't try to make an effort to make us work, she was unwilling to stop and she doesn't believe she has an addiction. She has a guild ingame that thinks she's the sh**, and all these friends on vent, etc.. but she never leaves the house, has no real life friends, and has gained more weight than she ever has. I was always the one trying to make her a better person, and trying to make things works with us. I tried to "fix" her, but I can't. She says she's broken and dead inside, and the game is her life since it helps her escape reality. I've tried everything from being mean, hateful, to loving and enabling and nothing seems to make a dent in her though process. I feel like I've wasted my life with this person, this is how much I hate who she has become. I'm 36 and having to start a whole new life over. It ****ing sucks. I'm the only one who seems sad about it all, but she says she's sad, etc... She sure has a funny way of showing it. She went to meet another girl from WoW the day after we broke up and had sex with her, then proceeded to leave a few days later and spent 4 days with this person. We still have to live together as neither of us is in a position to move, so it's really hard right now. I want to beat some sense into her, but it's so useless and exhausting. I'm so tired of crying and hurting. It's like a death really. The person she was is dead, and the stranger that inhabits her body is so ugly and unfamiliar to me. I'm going to seek some therapy so I can deal with my feelings of loss, etc. I know what to do. I just hate that I have to go through it yet again. I'll never get back with her I can promise you that. Even if she did a complete 180, and came begging back to me, I still would turn her away. often times I feel it best if she were to have a car accident or something and die, so I wouldn't feel so bad anymore...not by my doing of course, lol. I curse the day I met her 16 years ago...but I hate feeling that way as well, because prior to the game I thought we were soulmates and would last forever. But I value myself and what I want out of life so much more than I value trying to get her to love me.

So if you find yourself in this situation...I feel for you...and I hope you love yourself enough to not accept the relationship or settle because you're too afraid to move on. Take it one day at a time and you'll find happiness, if you want it.

Clay
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Joined: 01/13/2011 - 10:18am
What a heart-breaking story

What a heart-breaking story pooty. I wish I could say it was unique, but many around here have had very similar experiences.

I hope you find relief here.

Clay

"You don't have a problem...you have a solution you don't like!" ~Anonymous

ElizabethA
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Joined: 04/02/2011 - 5:40pm
I'm glad you found OLGA,

I'm glad you found OLGA, Pooty, and I hope you will find something here to help you get through this difficult time. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your partner to games.

Gentle strength,

ElizA

.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!

.

CliffH
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Pooty, Welcome to OLGA. I'm

Pooty,

Welcome to OLGA. I'm sure by now you've seen a number of the other stories in these forums, and I hope that some bit of commiseration provides comfort, even of the cold variety. I'm 35 and coming out of a 14 year union that's been the only relationship of my life, so I know what you mean about being in your mid-30s and having to start all over again. I'm starting again with no experience to fall back on outside of what turned out to be a very damaged relationship. Like yours, mine started out just fine, but the last few years (3 in my case, not the 9 you've had to endure) were so bad that they overshadow everything else. I'm hoping that'll fade in time, but yeah, those clouds are most certainly dark the cover broad right now.

I know exactly how you feel about your partner becoming someone else, and the woman you used to love being dead. When my wife and I split for the first time a few years ago, I actually pretended exactly that: that she was dead. I found it easier to deal with than the fact she'd become someone else and had no interest in me anymore. Ultimately, she ran out of money, came home, said she loved me, and I snapped her back up right away, sucker that was me. Then came three years of floating addiciton, lots of "I don't know how I feel about you," and assorted emotional crap that kept me bouncing like a yo-yo.

Not being able to move out though... man, that's rough. Seriously rough. The one thing I found helped me a tremendous amount was a big life shakeup. I changed everything about my life. I tried a hundred different things, even if I didn't think I'd like them, just to try, went new places, met new people, etc. I was trying to break any habits I had from my life with my wife, even if they had nothing to do with her, just to make my situation feel as detached from our former togetherness as I could. That involved moving to a new place (I've got a friend with space enough in his house for a long term crash, so I got lucky). Having to do all that while still living with her, it's possible, but it's going to be tough.

It's raw in the beginning, and it's a unique kind of awful, but it really does fade in time. It's a better deal than continually getting hurt by your addict over and over, because as you've seen, that doesn't go away or lessen. You can get used to it, but it still hurts. You pay the biggest price with the split up front, but it starts to feel good once you realize how much you're not longer required to endure. Personally, I can't say I've ever gotten to the point where I'm happy about getting a divorce, but I am relieved at the number of excuses I no longer have to wrestle, and all the possibilities that have suddenly opened in my life that weren't there before because of all the financial and logistical drags my addict wife had attached to herself.

As for starting over, I hear you. There's a lot of history in a long relationship, and we're not as young as we were; there isn't as much time to make those kinds of tracks again. I think about all the stories and experiences I racked up with my wife, and how long that took. I'll be in my 50s by the time I manage that with someone else, and that assumes I find someone right now and it lasts all the way through. What are the odds (especially since my wife is dragging her heels about signing the divorce paperwork and finalizing the split)?

But here's something I realized recently: the past few years, when her addiction started to really grip hard, we weren't making memories of any sort beyond me sitting on the couch eating up time with movies or Playstation hoping she'd come down and express some interest in doing something. I'd put off invitations from others just so I'd be available on the off chance she'd want to do something that weekend. I'd knock on her door to make a suggestion that it was nice out and maybe we could go mini-golfing, and she'd be annoyed I was disturbing her. Yeah, there's a nice memory or two in that patch, but that's it. One or two, literally, out of years.

So we stopped making history of any kind I'd cherish years ago. It sounds like you're in a similar situation. If I had to guess, you remember times of crisis, breakups, the things you did to patch things up (I'll bet it was you, not her, if your relationship tracked anything like mine), and a long litany of disappointment. Not to mention the cheating. My wife *may* have cheated on me, but I can't prove anything one way or the other, and since I'm already getting a divorce I've decided not to pursue it. But just the possibiltiy wrecked me. Knowing for sure? I don't envy your position in the slightest.

Anyway, where this long rambling is going is that starting over now isn't awesome, but think about what you stand to gain over what you're losing. The new person you wind up with eventually won't have a decade and a half of shared memories with you, yet, but there's every reason in the world to think that you'd be closer with this person than your current partner in short order. At the very least, this new person will be interested in spending time with you. That right there is a massive leg up over what you and I had in our current, fading relationships. I'd much rather be building new history with someone interested in adding to that story than write another chapter that goes:

"At noon I poked my head into her room and told her the local book store was closing. She's always loved books, though I can't remember the last time I saw her reading. Actually, I can't remember the last time I saw her at all. Her door was locked, and it took her that same suspiciously long time to open it when I knocked. When she pulled it open, it was just wide enough for her to cram her body into that sliver of space; even so, I could see she'd minimized the game on her monitor. I always hated when she did that.

"The conversation was short, clipped. She said she needed another 20 minutes to finish up what she was doing, but then sure, she'd love to check out the going out of business sale. She still needed another 20 minutes at 1, at 2, and "just a little more time" at 5. By 7 I called through the door, since she'd stopped opening it, and asked what she wanted for dinner. When she told me she'd have to get back to me and that she wanted some alone time now, I went into the kitchen and made myself something, knowing I wouldn't see or hear from her again that day, and that I'd be going to bed alone."

There's better than that out there for both of us.

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