20 years gone to a video game

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widowgamer
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20 years gone to a video game

I am married for 20 years, for the last six months my husband has been play mmorpg. In January he admitted to me that he had been having an online emotional affair with a woman in the game. This led to him flying out to meet her to see if it was "real" between them. He came home saying he wanted our marriage, which led to months of up and downs to where we are today which is that he says he is numb and has no feeling, yet doesn't want to leave or have me and the boys leave. We have 3 boys ages 23, 16, 13 who all live at home. I have tried the whole begging and pleading only to be told I was controlling and a harping. Last weekend he told me he plays because he doesn't know how to deal with me, this sent me into a spiral of qquestioning if I am really that hard to get along with. I am having a hard time dealing with this because I have made taking care of him and my children my life. I am a educated, fun loving woman who now feels like my life has been a waste. I'm not sure what to do or how to get thru this.

cdgoldilocks
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Welcome. I am the spouse of

Welcome. I am the spouse of a gamer. I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can receive some useful information. I would start with this link:

http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/42150

It will give you some ideas of how to begin to deal with the issues we spouses of gamers must face. You have the right to respect. You have the right to be treated like the good wife you have been for all these years.

You are not going to change your gamer. You can only change YOU. Read some of the spouse posts, the blogs. Think about ways to keep yourself busy, organize your home, plant a garden, read. Whatever you can do to fill your time and keep yourself busy, so you don't fixate on your husband's gaming any more than you have to.

You are not alone.

likeabeast
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He plays because of his own

He plays because of his own issues, problems, or whatever. It has nothing to do with you.

I, too, devoted my life to raising my children, only to have my husband shatter everything. I know how you feel. I struggle with a lot of regret. I am still getting through this. I am stronger now than four years ago when the spiral began. I got so used to questioning myself that my confidence was quite shaken. I am trying to get back what little sanity I had! You will get through this. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time.

AmyK
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*HUG* you're def'ly not

*HUG* you're def'ly not alone and you're in the right place here. I worked hard on a long-distance relationship that involved several wonderful children with whom I strongly bonded, where I was planning on relocating once I finished graduate school. In the last several months of the relationship, my gamer ex-boyfriend started pulling away, spending more and more time in his game and talking to me less and less, all the while telling me "we" were ok when I would tell him I felt something was amiss. His dismissal of my concerns insidiously made me question my own judgement and opinions - maybe I was over-reacting and this wasn't as bad as I thought. Since the break up (29 March) and his complete disconnection (Memorial Day), I see how manipulative and deceitful he has become, engaging in inapppropriate online relationships with female gamers behind my back. He was no longer my "Boo" - the wonderfully interesting, supportive, diverse man with whom I fell in love. He has become incredibly selfish and self-pitying, even neglecting the children's needs so he can "game" more, which is really just chatting with other gamers.

It IS hard because I miss "Boo" and the children so very very much and feel very empty. I'm still at the one hour at a time - I journal to keep from melting down at work (they have been wonderful) and let myself fall apart when I get home if I need to, I don't fight it. I think most women realize that a good strong cry can be cathartic, even if only for a little while. I'm fighting to re-find the things I used to enjoy before the relationship started / faltered, those things that now have a strong "Boo"-association because I'd shared them with him. I'm also in therapy - I'd started for other reasons but this break-up has become a more primary focus. That may be an avenue to consider, if you have the means to do so. It becomes a "take care of you" path.

To begin, begin. William Wordsworth

Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? Sai Baba

widowgamer
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Thank you all for the words

Thank you all for the words of encourgment. I am currently seeing a counselor, we were going together, but he has since stopped when the counselor told him that he was an addict and that nothing was going to change if he didn't stop playing the game. I am in the one day, one hour at a time. I am focusing more on my children, and more on myself. I don't ask him to do anything with us anymore. I just keep praying that he sees whats going on before its to late. I don't want his children to not have a relationship with him, but I can't control what he is doing, and that will be his regret not mine. I am working with my counselor on do I think that the time is up for me or do I continue to fight. This has been a 6 year journey and I don't know how much longer I can keep putting off my needs, as my friend told me last week I am like a loyal dog and I just keep going back, which made me think that maybe I need to stop being so loyal so that he will hit bottom and begin to realize what he has to lose. I do know that I am so glad to have found this board to be able to talk to others who REALLY understand what I am going through.

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