Back after 2 years with a question.

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hbridgers02
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Back after 2 years with a question.

So I haven't posted here in a very long time. When I was posting (as wearingthin)
here I was engaged to a mentally and emotionally abusive asheron's
call addict. After 4 years of being ignored for a video game I got
the strength the leave him. It was the best decision I've ever made
for myself. I feel like a completely different person now that I
have been away from him for close to two years. I have a confidence
that I never felt while I was with him. I laugh. All the time. It's
beautiful not having that burden. I'm so glad I didn't go through
with that wedding. God only knows where I would be now if I did.

God sent me an amazing man about a year and a half ago. His name is
James. He's a firefighter/EMT. He is older, more established,
motivated, funny, compassionate, and just generally wonderful. Every
day I fall for him a little more. He's bringing me home for
Christmas to meet his mom and we're making plans for our future
together. I am so happy. So why am I back here?

He and a few of his work buddies bought some war game. I'm not ever
sure of the name of it because it is so insignifigant right now. He
knows all about the relationship between my ex and I. He knows that
his addiction to asheron's call is what tore us apart. He
understands and respects that and asked me before he started playing
if I would be okay with it. He is very busy with his firefighting
career, his part-time serving job, taking 8 hrs of classes, and me,
so I didn't think I would have a problem with it and told him I
wouldn't mind at all as long as it did not take time away from us
and other areas of his life.

Now thus far he's had this game for about 2 months. I've seen him
play it about 4 times. Every time its been while I am making dinner.
He'll ask if I need help with dinner or cleaning and if I say no ask
if I would mind if he plays. So it's never been an issue really.
Until last night. As I was making dinner I went into the office to
ask him a question and see that he has bought a headset and
downloaded ventrilo. BAAAAAD memories. I became very emotional and
apologized. I told him I know that he had done nothing wrong and was
sorry for getting so emotional. He understood and assured me that he
would not let this come between us.

Now, I know I can't take out a former lovers mistakes on my new one,
but GEEZ, that was hard to see. What I'm wondering is does anyone
think it is wrong for me to ask him not to play at all? He has done
nothing wrong. My mind keeps telling me this. But my heart is not
ready for the idea of this again. Ugh. Any input is appreciated.
Thanks for reading!

John of the Roses
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Joined: 01/23/2007 - 5:12pm
Re: Back after 2 years with a question.

Welcome back to OLGA! And don't feel like you only have to come and visit us when there is a difficulty in your life. We are growing as a community and we would always welcome your input. Communication is the cornerstone for any good relationship, and it is fundamental in any committment. It sounds to me like you are in a loving relationship where there is excellent communication. That is so important, especially in the forming years where there has to be good communication or else the relationship will be based in dishonesty and not survive the long haul. As long as you are totally honest and he as well, there shouldn't be a problem. I think you have indeed been blessed by a wonderful man in your life and life is throwing you bunches of roses, beautiful! I am a former gamer and from what you say, he sounds thoughtful and devoted. If he ever starts acting out in an addictive mode, confront him about it and i think there may be reconsiliation and he may well walk away from the game. Not everyone who plays a video game will be an addict. The chances that he is an addict are about 4-5 in a hundred! So, he may be finding some sort of release for the intensely emotional stresses he has as a fireman/EMT. Please keep us informed and updated, we welcome you back and hope that you now know, that you are not alone.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

littlefiery
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Joined: 06/28/2007 - 11:59am
Re: Back after 2 years with a question.

hbridgers, I understand why it bothers you so much. I wouldn't want to see my otherwise wonderful guy go down that slippery slope. It's just my opinion, but I think it's completely fine to ask him not to play at all. There are lots of other (better) ways to unwind. Good luck and congrats on finding such sweet guy.

Solei
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Joined: 07/20/2006 - 11:53pm
Re: Back after 2 years with a question.

Welcome back! I completely understand. Both my husband and I were World of Warcraft addicts ~ and when my recovering husband bought a football game for the PS2, I worried. But, I was happily surprised to see that he could play that in extreme moderation. Once a week, if that. I hope that your boyfriend will stay off the game in excess. Blessings & Love,
Solei

-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-

1RealityCheck1
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Joined: 04/09/2006 - 3:15pm
Re: Back after 2 years with a question.
Quote:

I went into the office to
ask him a question and see that he has bought a headset and
downloaded ventrilo. BAAAAAD memories.

I can totally relate to that. Vent has been one of the things my husband and I have really had to work on. We have finally come to a compromise. When I am nearby he keeps one of the earphones off of his ear so he can hear me talking to him. This was his idea and it is working well for us. (our computer room is next to our kitchen so there are many times I am within earshot but not right next to him). hbridgers, I so understand your reaction (on the gaming level and the vent level). You were very hurt by gaming in your previous relationship (as I have been hurt in mine). I am so very glad you are able to talk to your sweetie about all this, that is so healthy. I really agree with littlefiery that you do have the right to ask him to not play at all. There truly are so many other ways to unwind, so many BETTER ways to unwind. It may be a good idea for you to talk to a counselor about your past relationship. The strong reaction you had to seeing him on vent, while TOTALLY understandable, shows that there may still be some underlying issues there. If it is an option for you at all, I would give it some careful consideration. It cant hurt and it may help you really 'clean your slate' so to speak and help you and this new wonderful guy start off on a wonderful new life together without any past baggage stealing any joy what so ever. (I am also a BIG advocate for pre-marriage counseling) Anyway that is my two cents worth, for what it is worth!

hbridgers02
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Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
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Joined: 12/12/2007 - 6:40pm
Re: Back after 2 years with a question.

Thank you all for the replies! I did sit down and speak with him about what I was feeling. Like before, he understood and told me that he doesn't have to play at home if it bothers me. So he's going to play at work with the guys on their downtime. I went to the station tonight when they were playing and he jumped off as soon as I got there. Actually they all did so they could torment me about being "tipsy" at the departments Christmas party last night :P So it was clear that none of them are really insanely into it. That makes me feel better as well, that no one will be pressuring him to play because they don't really care.

John of the Roses
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Re: Back after 2 years with a question.

You deserve this good feeling now so enjoy it! Happy Holidays.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

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