Back into my life

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dreamdancer
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Back into my life

I need the input of a recovering addict:

My husband wants to get back into my life, telling me that his behaviour and gaming needs are just some of his attributes and I have to accept him for who he is. My daughter (a recovering addict) is telling me that he is using my weakness and the need for companionship to keep me functional in his life, to make his gaming life easier.

My head is spinning and I dont' know how to react.

Please help!

Patria
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Quote: My daughter (a
Quote:

My daughter (a recovering addict) is telling me that he is using my weakness and the need for companionship to keep me functional in his life, to make his gaming life easier.

If you want to do what is best for him, don't make it easier for him to continue with his gaming. A lot of us here are partners to gamers/exgamers and will tell you that enabling people in their addictions is actually allowing them to continue in their addictions.

Listen to your daughter.

An addict, like I was in gaming, will do anything to be able to game. He isn't thinking about YOUR comfort, only his own (and my own comfort in my case).

hugs!

Silvertabby
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Hi dream.  First of all you

Hi dream. First of all you should know that once we are addicted, the game becomes our life and everything else is secondary to the game. If you allow him back into your life, just realize that, as long as he is gaming, you will be secondary to the game. It has nothing to do with you personally, but it's simply the addiction. If I were in your shoes, and knowing what I know about gaming addiction, I would tell him he has to choose between me and the game. If he wants to come back, he'll have to stop gaming.

As long as he's still gaming, whether he comes back or not, you will have to make a life for yourself apart from him, and enabling him to continue with his addiction is not going to help him at all, whereas, if he has to face the reality of being alone with his game, he might just find out that the gaming life is not what he really wants and finally make the choice to seek help to stop gaming.

I know this is a terribly hard choice for you and I wish you all the best in your decision. If you haven't already done so, you might suggest he check out this site, specifically the signs of gaming addiction post.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

dreamdancer
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Since gaming is the only

Since gaming is the only thing that makes him happy and I make him miserable.... I don't believe that he will want to quit any time soon.... but he is admitting now that he MIGHT have a problem. Maybe he is just telling me what I want to hear....so he can continue on the path he was before. This addiction business is so exhausting, everything is done deceptively with an alternate motive. I'm just so straight forward, I'll tell you right what I want or think. It's a world I didn't know existed. I'm quite naive. I guess I will listen to what he has to say, and see if the word "help" is anywhere is his vocabulary. I will ask him for actions, not words to back him up.

I think I need a long vacation, away from al this mess.

BigH501
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  My 2 cents... You have

My 2 cents...

You have learned about codependence, you know that if you let him back in while he is still a prisoner to his adictions it will be bad for you as well as for him.

With that in mind, you may want to consider telling him it is you or the game. No compromise at all. If you let him back on his terms it will get worse. In his mind you will have valildated his gaming and your codependence.

I am a recovering gamer. Everytime I found some way to talk my way out of trouble with my wife I just got worse. I realized I could go that much further before I had to make fake amends again.

I didn't realize I was doing this. It just happened. After my wife finally left me and I was away from games long enough to see and understand I realized what I had been doing. The addict mind will rationalize anything and everything to get its way. It will ALWAYS be somebody or something else's fault that I "had to game"...

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
.
Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

rehabgamer
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If it was some other form of

If it was some other form of behavior that would make it so you could not be with him would you let him back into your life. Think about what YOU can live with. I was givin them ultimatium by my wife stop or leave and my knee jerk reaction was leave. I went thru the "if you can't live with me gaming then...." mentality. Then I came to my senses and realized just how crazy that sounded. It must be something that works for both of you.

Know that like all addicts, it is the addiction that drives us and gaming is very insedious. We lie, coerce, rationalize, basically do almost anything to feed that addiction, I did and I am truly ashamed at how I acted now, but then it made perfect sense. You can only control your actions not his, they are up to him.

It is true we must accept things in our spouses that are not perfect, deal with who they are not who we want them to be but when is a line crossed that we can no longer accept for whatever reason do we continue, only you can decide that.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
~ Mark Twain

rehabgamer
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Sorry one more thing,  your

Sorry one more thing, your daughter as a recovering addict can give you great insite into the mind of an addict. So have good talks with her because she has walked in those shoes and knows the score. It doesn't matter what she was addicted to it is all applicable.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
~ Mark Twain

dreamdancer
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He hardest part is keeping

He hardest part is keeping my mind detached of my heart. I want to run to him with swinging arms, but I know that he will stab me in the heart again and again. He thinks that if he plays during previously negotiated times I should accept his boundries, but he will play more and more and he will get away with it again. And during times he is not on he will hate me for not being able to go on. I dont' think I can live like that anymore.

rehabgamer
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Ah Dreamdancer who's arms do

Ah Dreamdancer who's arms do you want to run back into the addict or the man who was. When you can make the statement "I can't live with that anymore instead of think", you will have your answer.

You have gotten a bit smarter since you negotiated your time deal I think, would you tell an alcholic you can only have two drinks a day or the herion user just mainline once a day and I am fine with it. Gaming is just as bad an addiction it is just not chemical. Stick to the guns you can live with whatever they may be.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
~ Mark Twain

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And you don't have to live

And you don't have to live like that anymore either, dreamdancer. To me, it looks like you already know the answer to your question, but are struggling with following through with it. We cannot tell you what you should do....you have to decide for yourself. But, I would encourage you to read other posts in this forum. There is so much information here, as there are so many who have gone or are going through the same thing as you, and I know it will help you to better understand your own situation. Just remember you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

Patria
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I've read somewhere that

I've read somewhere that often we love the addict for who he WAS and COULD be, but really isn't. You love a dream. But you would live with the reality.

Follow the brain, not the heart. The heart loves a lot of things that aren't loving us back.

Kate1song
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I honestly don't think that

I honestly don't think that anything anyone of us could say would help you make up your mind over what to do.

It really comes down to this.

Which hurts more. Living with the active gamer. Or dealing with living w/o him.

At this point, thats what you should consider. Until he's been sober for any length of time, any promises he makes could be broken on a whim.

But I've know some, that for whatever reason, just couldn't leave. There really is no right answer.

pete1 (not verified)
This is what gaming

This is what gaming addiction does to us (at least it did to me).

dreamdancer wrote:

Since gaming is the only thing that makes him happy and I make him miserable....

The most pernicious part about it is that all other activities became completely dull by comparison. Not surprising that normal day to day life can become boring to the point of pain to the addicted gamer.

For me (and other gaming addicts I encountered) returning to the things we held dear and found interesting was a long painful process. But it started with accepting our addiction and stopping gaming.

I wish you the courage and strength to overcome your codpendence and to do the right thing.

- pete

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Many of the sentiments

Many of the sentiments expressed here are very true to my heart when it comes to gaming.
It's hard to return to "reality" so to speak. In games, you could always expect a world and a fantasy to retreat into. For me, it was anything I wanted to be at any time. If I wanted to be a cowboy for a day, there's a game for that. If I wanted to be a racecar driver, there's a game for that. A spaceship captain, an adventurer, a King, a mobster, a mayor, etc etc. There's a game for everything.
I've lived thousands of lives "by wire" and only just now am returning to the one that matters. Sure it's a bit dull but it's the only one that counts. With time, I can make the changes in it to experience true fulfillment and not just an imaginary escape.

Bottom line is, his perspective is skewed and his outlook on life is colored through a pixelated lense of digital fantasies. Unfortunately he doesn't realize what he's missing, not until he makes a concerted effort to return to reality...for a long period of time. Without falling back.

Do what you must but always remember you have your own life too.

I'll pray for you.
-Ascender

A wise man once told me to shutup.
\\ Free from games since 03.13.2014 //

Patria
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The problem here, too, is

The problem here, too, is that you might be thinking that you aren't helping him unless you take him back. It's quite the opposite: enabling him to continue his gaming is harming him, not helping.

You know you deserve a better life than to be the co-dependent of someone who is only thinking of himself.

However, you can do something better for him by not supporting his addiction.

Let him quit, become a person again, and then discuss getting back together. Otherwise, you will be living with the addiction, not the person.

Good luck!

dreamdancer
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We decided to give it

We decided to give it another try. He is still convinced that he is not addicted to the game and that he can just quit. Well, he did so far, but he replaced the game with TV and carpentry projects (which he did before). He is approaching these "hobbies" with the same furiosity as the game, kind of using it as a crutch. His demeaner is very explosive. I have to watch my tone of voice when I speak to him. He seems to be boiling under the surface. This is causing a lot of stress for all members of the family. Right now I feel like tossing him back into the game room. How do I not go nuts among all this insanity?????????????????

BigH501
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  An addict brain may cause

An addict brain may cause the addict to go to the most amazing lengths to convince themselves and everybody around them that it would be better if they were just left alone to game.

If you had the feeling "Right now I feel like tossing him back into the game room." then it is starting to work.

I am not saying he is consiously doing this but I am saying it is something I would have done...

Ever seen a kid throw a tantrum when they don't get their way and then be misarable doing things they normally like to do just to spite you for not giving them there way ? Same idea on an adult level and I bet he doesn't even know he is doing it...

Stay strong and don't let him have any excuse to go back to gaming, real or contrived. If he decides to game then you need to try to make sure you didn't give him any excuse real or implied for doing so and he must accept the consequenses all on his own. If he does go back to gaming his addict brain will try it's damdest to make it somebody else's fault that he is justified in gaming...

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
.
Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

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"I have to watch my tone of

"I have to watch my tone of voice when I speak to him. He seems to be boiling under the surface. This is causing a lot of stress for all members of the family."

Watch out... it sounds this pot may boil over! Sometimes people channel themselves into an activity (like excessive video gaming, or it could be TV, or carpentry) as an escape from something that they find too hard to deal with. Did your husband have some kind loss or emotional upset that is causing him pain that he might be trying to distract himself from? If there is an underlying cause for all this activity he might need to talk a lot about it and work through the feelings that are so difficult that he is repressing them. Sometimes talking will help. Timing is important with asking him about something like this. Not when he's uptight or stressed out already... a time when he's more relaxed...

Serena

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein

"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez

Ascender
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BigH's resopnse says it all.

BigH's resopnse says it all. Stay strong and true to your word so he can't deflect responsibility back on you.

Goodluck,
-Ascender

A wise man once told me to shutup.
\\ Free from games since 03.13.2014 //

dreamdancer
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maybe someone can get some

maybe someone can get some use out of this message.... dealing with an addict OFF his fix He is still, at least openly, in denial, going through a number of withdrawal symptoms. Saturday was the first time since the beginning of September that he has played a game (as far as I know) on the xbox for about 2 hours. After that he was a complete mess. He forgot to do his laundry, didn't pack for a business trip (next day) had a hard time getting ready for the Halloween Party. Just a mess. He ended up drinking too much (excessive like everything else) and was sick all night. Completely hung over he threw some clothes in a suitcase (mostly dirty). The flight turned out to be delayed and it took him several hours extra to get to its destination. On the phone later that night I asked him to appologize for leaving me with a nasty vomit mess and that's when he lost it on the phone, yelling and screaming.... I have no idea what he was ranting about, it didn't make any sense....The bottom line is that he is living his consequences. You don't take care of your stuff, you have to deal with ****. maybe he learned something from this; maybe not! I was thinking about leaving the vomit mess for his return 3 days later, but decided to take care of it, since I have to tape the bedroom door shut and move all my clothes to the guest room. It was too much work, the cleaning was the lesser of two evils.

Patria
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Quote: The bottom line is
Quote:

The bottom line is that he is living his consequences. You don't take care of your stuff, you have to deal with ****.

Yup, and that's where he needs to be.

You are doing so well. Stick with your program, take care of yourself and let him live his consequences.

HUGS

dreamdancer
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Patria wrote: Let him quit,
Patria wrote:

Let him quit, become a person again, and then discuss getting back together. Otherwise, you will be living with the addiction, not the person.

Good luck!

I guess I should have listened a bit more closely. My addict has been clean (as far as I know) for 2 1/2 months and things are roughly going down hill. He is now strongly suggesting that I should take full responsibility of the divorce fincances and now he is blaming me for having an affair, which is not true. It's a blow I really don't need right now. Guess I caused this by not letting go all the way.

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Hello Dreamdancer, Sorry to

Hello Dreamdancer,

Sorry to hear what is happening.

As you know my ex-Second Life addict didn't stop his insane and delirious gaming, and he brought our relationship to a very miserable state. At one point I said to myself that even if he had decided to stop his Second Life, the situation would have been very difficult and that I would still be the target of all his weaning attacks, even if I have nothing to do with his addiction and all the consequences of it. I supported him all the way, but at one point there was nothing I could do anymore, just run, ... even if it costs.

Take care

Kyana

Patria
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dreamdancer wrote: Patria
dreamdancer wrote:
Patria wrote:

Let him quit, become a person again, and then discuss getting back together. Otherwise, you will be living with the addiction, not the person.

Good luck!

I guess I should have listened a bit more closely. My addict has been clean (as far as I know) for 2 1/2 months and things are roughly going down hill. He is now strongly suggesting that I should take full responsibility of the divorce fincances and now he is blaming me for having an affair, which is not true. It's a blow I really don't need right now. Guess I caused this by not letting go all the way.

There is a saying in AA/Alanon that if a horse thief becomes sober, chances are he will still be a horse thief.

That is why AA/Alanon/NA/Naranon/CA all suggest a program for recovering addicts. The problem is NOT quitting the substance (we've all quit several times); it's STAYING QUIT.

And, leading a normal, healthy and balanced life. Actually, the addict without the drug/drink/game is WORSE than the one who is still using because now he/she full of the addiction (still stealing horses; see above).

I can't say and mean "I'm sorry" to my husband (because of my excessive gaming) unless I change my behavior. I wasn't a wonderful person who happened to be addicted to gaming. I was full of fear, anxiety, stress, anger and worry. In order to live without gaming, I have to change my attitudes. Because if I don't, not only will I be more miserable in sobriety, everyone around me will suffer.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

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I made the ultimatum today.

I made the ultimatum today. Wanna know the funny thing? We couldn't even finish the conversation (We have a VERY long distance 5 year relationship) because he had to return to his MTG draft at some World's Tournament. He could not drop his draft and realize the gravity of the situation! I told my fiance that it is me and him OR him and the game. His response?

"I don't appreciate you making it out to sound like an ultimatum! Well you know i love you and I want this to work. You can't expect me to throw out all of my cards in one night. I've met my goal and will cut down on my gaming when I get back home. We can talk more about this later."

NO! It is either US or HIM and the game. I am not compromising anymore; it is just enabling just like you said. I am eagerly awaiting his call back.

I thank you and everyone else for giving me the courage to stand up and say enough is enough. I can NOT marry a gaming addict.

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Hi myracingthoughts and

Hi myracingthoughts and welcome to Olga-non. I'm so glad you found us and were able to find some help in dealing with your problem. It looks like you're making some very wise choices. Keep coming back and keep posting. Good luck to you!

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

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