Boyfriend addicted to computer or just passionate about it?

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nube13
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Boyfriend addicted to computer or just passionate about it?

Hello! I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years and we have been living together for 2 years. He is a supersweet guy, compassionate, nice and a good cook. I have known him for 8 years and remember he used to love cooking, climbing and travelling. But since we got together all he ever does and wants to do is to be on the computer. I was warned by mutual friends that he is a gamer and they said I should "try to get him away from the computer sometimes". I now know what they meant.. He started studying programming 3 years ago, so of course it makes sense that he is on the computer(s) a lot, but for me it is hard to understand that everything else is just a drag to him. At first he was gaming all the time, forgetting to eat, sleep, shower and neglecting school. Now he plays less, and works more but he hardly ever sees his friends face to face, he seems bored when we spend time together since he is anxious to get back to the computer, he sleeps plugged in to his computer listening to game commentaries or learning videos and he never exercises or cooks or travels anymore. When we travel he spends most of the time in the hotelroom with his computer anyways. He says he is just passionate about it, which is great, but for me it seems he neglects everything else like his health and social life. I have started to hate computers more and more.

I know I can be needy, but I have a very independent life where i work and study a lot as well as exercise several times a week, run my own enterprise and try to socialize on top of that . Still when I ask for his attention the short time I have in the evening he often seems bored or eager to get away from me and back to the computer. This makes me sad. He does say he loves me though so I dont know what to believe.

helen.elizabeth
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Hi, nube13. I have been

Hi, nube13.

I have been struggling with some of the same issues with my husband. I too am not sure whether my husband is actually addicted or not. I have read over the checklists, and a lot of the symptoms do seem like they might apply to him, but most of them are things only my husband can answer for himself. Since he has a problem with denial and dishonesty, I seriously doubt that he would go through the list of gaming addiction symptoms and give honest answers.

That being said, my approach in dealing with all of this is just to be content with not knowing whether it is truly addiction or not. He plays excessively, that is a fact. His excessive amount of playing has negative consequences on our lives. and that is what I choose to focus on, for now. The extent of his playing has created what I feel is a great deal of unnecessary dysfunction in our lives and in our relationship. From what you have described, it sounds like your boyfriend's behavior is doing the same. Whether or not it is an addiction, the fact remains that it is a problem that creates unhappiness for you.

I see that you do have a very full life that sounds fulfilling to you--keep that up. I stress this because I became depressed in the midst of dealing with my husband's problem, and I withdrew from the things that I enjoyed in life. Once you withdraw from life, and become emotionally battered and bruised, it is hard to get involved again. Just don't stop doing the things that are important to you and make you feel good about yourself.

Polga
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Welcome Nube I hope you find

Welcome Nube

I hope you find this site helpful to find out more about gaming addiction and how it affects the loved ones.

I understand the sorrow you feel when a loved one is taken over by this.

Whether your boyfriend is addicted or not, I would encourage you to be totally frank about how you feel about his choices to yourself and to him. We learn that we cannot control other people's choices, but we need to be honest about our feelings if a relationship is to stay healthy.

I second everything that helen.elizaebth has said. My son denies he is addicted. But whether he is or not doesn't matter. His life is severely affected by his choices. I hope that when the consequences of his actions mean he can no longer ignore the obvious, that he will have to take responsibility, take action and grow.

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

nube13
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Hello! and thanks a lot for

Hello!

and thanks a lot for replying :)

It sounds like a frustrating situation you are in helen.elizabeth. I have been going to therapy for my own issues for almost a year now, and I am learning to put boundaries in my life. I have looked quite hard at my relationships with friends and family members and worked on being clear in them. My therapist actually said recently that I will probably start stick up for myself with my boyfriend too, and that he might have a strong reaction to that. I used to think he was always right, and I was wrong, but now I am finding my own truth and can stick to it. I guess I just have to choose once and for all if I want a computer addict/fanatic or not. I cant change him.

In your case I suspect the depression might have come from not setting boundaries? I might not be right, just a hunch. What are you doing now, to make it better?

I have been very honest to him, but if I say anything about his computer use (for gaming, or school) he gets enraged and says I attack him personally. Sometimes he can be very nasty and verbally attack my weaknesses (like my social angst) to get back at me. This side of him scares me, because normally he is the greatest kindest person.

I got a few tips from someone on the chat forum too, to let the addict hit rock bottom (I got this advice for an alcoholic family member before) and to be very clear myself. I suspect I sometimes might be enabling him, since I put up with it.

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