Completely Lost

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at-a-loss3087
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Completely Lost

I am the girlfriend of a WoW player. We've been together in some capacity for the past 3-years. Recently our relationship has gotten more serious-- I've even moved in with him. I love my boyfriend very much, but he has been unemployed for almost a year now, and because we live together his financial unstability effects me greatly. We have a roommate, and between him and I we manage to cover the bills.

Obviously that's not entirely fair though... My boyfriend claims he is trying to get a job (I've even helped him search through online listings), but I go to work everyday and have no real concept of what he does. I want to trust him, but whenever I'm home all he does is play WoW and when I ask about jobs, it's the same story every time: He's put out applications, but he hasn't heard anything. I can appreciate that the job market sucks right now, but there's work out there if you put your mind to it and really put yourself out there.

It's not just his unemployment that's upsetting me. On top of that our intamcy has suffered, while he's still affectionate with me I feel certain that spending time with me comes second to spending time on WoW raids. When I've tried to address the issue with him he gets extremely angry with me, and makes me the "bad guy" for bringing it up.

I understand that it starts to seem like I'm "parenting" him when I tell him my concerns, so I've backed off. But nothing has changed... his parents live nearby and I've mentioned the issues to them, and they seem supportive, but I think they're also afraid to confront him. Also, since they aren't living with him they don't have to deal with the issue everyday.

A week ago, I said I was stepping back. I just couldn't be a constant nag. But nothing is changing and it's eating me up inside. I joined this community to try and get some advice... I'm at a complete loss... I don't want his addiction to WoW to cost us our relationship. What can I do?

-J

Patria
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Hi and welcome! It sounds

Hi and welcome!

It sounds like you are dealing with an addicted gamer. Take this questionnaire for him and see if he is:

http://olganon.org/?q=self_tests_on_gaming_addiction

There are several things you can do. Read the wisdom of the other family members here on this site.

http://olganon.org/?q=node/809 is one example.

Try to find a Co-dependant or a Nar-anon meeting near you.

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

http://coda.org/

Stay with us, post how you are doing, read posts from others who have been there.

------------------------

p.s. My game of choice was WOW, just like your bf. When I was playing (addictively) I said anything and everything that sounded good, so people would let me play. I did minimal activities (work, sleep, eat, exercise) so that I had maximum time on game. In fact, I had a good job but ended up quitting it because I wanted more time to play.

Now that I am game-free (8 months yesterday) I think differently about life. When gaming I participated as little in life as possible; gaming was everything to me.

If I needed a job, now, but couldn't find one, I'd be out gathering up alumimum cans, glass bottles, cardboard or metal and selling them. There are many things a person can do if they get out and do them. Finding a job is a job, get up at 7:30 am, spend all day looking for job, then pack it up and have the night off, etc. But if the game comes first, then it comes first.

Good luck!

at-a-loss3087
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Patria, Thank you for all of

Patria,

Thank you for all of your suggestions-- I'm new to this, but I already feel encouraged by what I'm reading and learning.

Hearing your story, gives me hope that this is something that can be overcome. And believe me, there are plenty of times where I feel totally hopeless and helpless.

Good for you for commiting to being game-free, I hope that I'll be able to help my boyfriend get to the same place.

-J

EVE_OFFFline
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Hi at-a-loss. being

Hi at-a-loss.

being unemployed may cause your bf to have problems giving himslef a good purpose in life and gaming seems so logical to past time. But to many of us, its not. The worst problem might even be, that when he finds a job, he may have problems letting gaming go. Due the addiction and the pleasure it gives.

What may help. is, Tell him you want to say how you feel, but agree that he does not reply. Instead ask him to log his daily activities. What he wants to do and what he does. And also have him wright down how he feels at those moments, or in honesty to write down why he starts the activity. (like I started gaming to prevent depression, or to avoid fearful thinking). Be addictive is not a choice but he needs to understand that the gaming may cause khis depressions, tensions and fears, and stopping would end this although he wil believe otherwise.

Then dont use the log to say he is weak in case you dont like the results but talk to him making him willing to stop, or find a good council that will help in this proces. You need to find the why, and break the cycle of doing things out of habit. Also try to make him study. In a poor market knowledge and training works to get a job.

pre- diagnosed with Autism.

Andrew_Doan
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Joined: 06/13/2011 - 9:37am
It's the "addiction" and

It's the "addiction" and perhaps depression. It has nothing to do with you. In the height of my addiction, video games were more desireable than sex and human intimacy.

Andrew Doan MD PhD

My Videos: Internet gaming disorder is real & my story 

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy or Department of Defense.

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