Could use some advice with my wife who seems addicted to wow.

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JasonW
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Could use some advice with my wife who seems addicted to wow.

Me and my wife of 22 years (been married actually 5) have recently separated. It seems like we had just gotten sick of looking at each other.

We have had marital problems for a long time before the separation. My wife has been ill for the last 4 years, and unable to work, last year we were in a automobile accident, and because of her back it became very hard for her to get out much. We also went down to a 1 car household, and with me working a full time job in another city, she basically had become a shut in.

I still want to work things out with my wife, and she is currently staying at her folks house about 125 miles away. But what I noticed was my wife was acting rather odd, stopping our calls and conversations abruptly. Something seemed wrong, so I checked our phone logs. This is where the gaming issue comes in.

Me and my wife had been online gaming for years, but I stopped playing about a 6 months ago, and I had thought she had stopped with me. We had made a deal years ago that if we played MMO's, we would play together. Anyway, the call logs revealed that she had been calling this # like 5 to 15 times a day, even on our vacation! While I didn't recognize the # I did recognize the location. It was one of the people we had gamed with before, and it was a guy. Nobody has had contact with this guy because he was so addicted to wow, he plays 18 to 20 hours a day. One of my friends mentioned that this guy has several small kids, is single, and allows the kids to fall asleep wherever they fall even at 1am in the morning because of WoW.

I confronted my wife about this, told her I know she has still been playing wow and knew who she was playing with. I had questioned her before in the past but she would never tell me she was playing WoW, this time she did. She explained to me that when the rest of us left, it in essence had took her away from her friends, so she had been playing behind my back.

Now looking at the situation I could definitely see her point, so I really had no problem with that. The guy she was hanging out with did bother me, so I asked that she please stop playing for a week or 2 while we tried to work thru our issues, and she agreed.

She didn't. Being familiar with the game, still having my old account, and the use of the wow site, I was able to confirm that she was still playing. I was upset, confronted her, and had a huge blowup. Anyways I calmed down and she has been playing wow with me knowing. Problem is how much she is playing wow. The last 3 nights she has been getting on at about 7pm and staying logged in until approx 4am, and every single time the guy I mentioned has been logged in playing with her. When I call to talk I know she is sitting there playing, the calls have gotten longer, but sadly all she seems to want to talk about is wow.

I have told her that I believe she may have a problem with the game, but she either blows it off, or has some excuse like oh I sit there most of the time afk etc.

I love my wife with all my heart, and I really want to work this out, but I don't see how we can start to work on our issues and reconnect when we have this to deal with.

Alyssa
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  Jason Unless she quits

Jason

Unless she quits your doomed. The game always looks better.

-Alyssa

Second Life was my past On May 20, 2010 I quit I quit the olganon.org on September 5, 2011 473 Days Game Free

Patria
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I am also a WOW addict; the

I am also a WOW addict; the excessive gaming though has been arrested and I've managed not to play for 70 days today.

The best thing I know if is to make sure your wife experiences reality. Can she support her habit? no? then don't support it (financially, etc.), does she expect you to provide for her? feed her, house her, take care of her? yet play her game? Enabling her to keep on playing will just allow her to keep on playing.

I was retired so provided my own money and my own support; but I finally quit because 1. it no longer made my life happy, 2. my husband hated it and I could see he was getting no attention at all, except the bare minimum.

I'm very glad I quit gaming. My life now is so much better than before. But when I was playing WOW, no one could have convinced me I'd be happy without it.

Just dont make it easy for her. She's an adult who can make her own decisions, but if she's being supported in any way, she will just keep on.

Addictions, gaming or drugs, have a habit of taking over our lives whether we want them to or not. Good luck!

Silvertabby
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Hi Jason and welcome to

Hi Jason and welcome to Olga. As it seems you have already realized, it looks like your wife is addicted to WOW. If she's like the rest of us, she won't be able to stop until she realizes that she's addicted and can take the needed steps to stop. In addition, there is nothing you can do to make her stop. Once I realized I was really addicted to gaming (after I tried to stop and found I couldn't), it took me over a year to finally stop playing. And before I had realized it I was playing for 12+ hours a day and thought there was nothing wrong with that. Now I just look back at my crazy thinking and shake my head.

I would encourage you to read other posts in this forum as well as in the gamer's forum to get some insight into the addicted gamer and what it's all about. Gaming addiction is extremely life-controlling and hard to break free from, but the most frustrating part for you, the spouse, is that she has to make the decision to do it herself. Nobody can decide for her. All you can do is create your own life apart from her. Good luck.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

Andrew_Doan
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Alyssa
Alyssa wrote:

Jason

Unless she quits your doomed. The game always looks better.

-Alyssa

Short answer, but very true.

Andrew Doan MD PhD

My Videos: Internet gaming disorder is real & my story 

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy or Department of Defense.

LaurelS9
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Hi, JasonW Thanks for your

Hi, JasonW

Thanks for your post and letting us in on your feelings. It is a tough situation but in my opinion it's by no means hopeless.

You seem very clear what the problem is and that is wonderful. Since you also played the game and know what it does, it's great that you can step away and see it from the side of an anon. Your clear feelings of love for your wife are also a blessing.

I think you could try engaging her in couples counselling. You could suggest this site to her and see if she is at all interested in recovery from addictive gaming. You could give her an ultimatum to quit, you or the game. If she has any neurons left that are not gone to WoW, she will choose you.

You say it has been 6 months since you quit, but your post makes me suspect it is less time away from the game than that. I'm concerned that you are minimizing the hold the game has had on your life, and so would ask you to tell us more about your gaming, because if you are newly in recovery yourself, it complicates the marriage issue.

I'm hoping to be of service to another soul today. Laurel

JasonW
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Thanks for the input

Thanks for the input folks.

@LaurelS9:

Well by no means do I belive that WoW is the basis of our marital issues, I now see it as a impass that is blocking us from moving forward. Instead of taking the time to reflect on our relationship, she has just been immersing herself more and more into the game.

I mean, when she left, she snuck into the house and took a handfull of clothes, and her computer. She didnt take anything of sentimental value, just some crummy old computer.

Its impossible right now to engage her on any topic, let alone the wow issue. She keeps telling me that no she doesnt thinks she has a problem, and that she doesnt plan on playing so much soon. I know my personal feelings are clouding the issue, but it almost seems to me like she knows we are not going to get back together, and she is using this transistion time as almost one would use a vacation, and so her logic seems to be enjoy playing as much as she is right now before she has to actually move on and will be forced to join the real world again. She has been levling new characters at a feverish pace, kinda like in the back of her head she knows this funtime will end soon and so she wants to get her characters maxed out so she can still continue to enjoy her gametime when it becomes limited again.

I explain to her that she has put more time in the last 2 weeks into playing her game then I have put into my full time job, and I still have time in my day to consider my feeling and my relationship, and I just get silence.

Problem is her support group, the only friends she actually has, are all a bunch of junkies themselves. I know for a fact if her father (she is staying with her parents right now) would find her sitting there on the computer room floor at 3am nightly he would flip out.

Our 19 year old daughter is so bitter with her right now that I dont believe she will have anything to do with her mom anymore, at least while she is doing this. Sadly, that doesnt even seem to phase my wife.

So right now I am sitting here, watching someone I love dearly, just sinking farther and farther into this pit, and I will be honest it just tears me up. And her feelings, or possibly lack of feelings for me are clouding the tpoic. She is distrustful of me right now, so why believe me when I say I am concerned that she is a gaming addict?

Now as far as my gaming history. I have always been a gamer since I got my hands on my first atari as a child. I have not lived in a world where games have not been a part of my life in some form or another since then. I started MMO's back in 1998 with Ultima Online. Since then have played EQ shortly, Daoc for several years, then WoW for several years on and off, and then played rift shortly.

I can definately say I have been a junkie in my past, especially in times when I had no job. I havent been without a Job or have had a break in my employment for over 5 years now, so that alone has probably helped me get over hardcore gaming.

The big "rush" for me has always been PvP combat, it is what hooked me. So I went from a sandbox mmo game full of combat, and as the genre of games has become more restrictive, and more..."arcadish", so has my interest in playing them. Again rift was my last MMO and I havent played it since march, mostly because it was too much like wow heh.

So to me MMO's just became pixelated combat games. The last game I look at as a virtual world was Ultima Online.

After this, I am pretty much done with MMO's, I dont want to have to go thru this ever again, whether it be with my spouse or someone else down the line.

The sad thing is. Its like watching someone become addicted to a drug, and then watch them run away to go hang out with that "bad crowd", and ultimately become absorbed by them.

Whats worse. I introduced her to that drug.

lost in oregon
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I have the same problem as

I have the same problem as you. My wife gets up at 10am to play League of Angels and will stay up until 2am playing and not respect my need for sleep as I work days full time to support us. If I interrupt her game she gets extemely angry over the littlest things. She forgets to eat meals or do her household activities from time to time and loses track of time. I learned that she got too friendly with one of the players and stayed with him for 2 weeks under the cover of a so called vacation she took. A month later she admitted being intimate with him after lying previously about nothing happening and she will not stop talking to him. That makes me hurt deeply inside and my trust for her is lost. Because of this I went to the doctor and got checked out for obvious reasons and saw a counselor for my benefit when I could afford to go. She will not give up the game and I have no idea how to deal with this. This game is ruining our marriage and running our lives. She has no real live friends here as she plans her day around this game and from my point of view she sees it as her reality and I am sometimes in the way. I don't want a divorce. We are trying to work things out together but I still wonder about our future. The only thing that keeps her from her game is the fact the she has to work too in order to help me keep the bills paid and food in the fridge.

 

I need advice as well on how to cope with her game addiction problem as she refuses to see or admit she has a problem.

Polga
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Welcome Lost in Oregon

Welcome Lost in Oregon

While they are having fun many addicts will refuse to see they have a problem. My son refuses to acknowledge how gaming and computer have made his life unmanagable. Addiction rewires the brain so we can no longer expect them to react in a normal manner. That person has gone until they feel a need to seek recovery for themselves.

It is very hard for us to bear. We need to find our own recovery from this toxic situation.

My best advice is for you to keep coming back here to learn about this addiction. Read the sticky posts on both spouse forums and read the stories of other spouses.

You cannot control their addiction, but you can stope enbling them and detach with love. You will need to look quite hard at how your actions keep her gaming comfortably and decided how far you can go so that she can start to feel consequences.

Then you need to look after yourself and learn to "detach with love".

These threads may help you understand what you can do

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling-spousessos-addicted

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/detachment-what-means-and-how-do-it

Then read the sticky posts in the blue area at the top of both spouse forums (public and members only) until the information starts to sink in and become your understanding.

How to get support for yourself ;

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

 

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