Depression, Gaming, & Relationships

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starbrite
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Depression, Gaming, & Relationships

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. We started out doing long distance and then I moved across the country to be with him. When i got there, I found out that he had a serious gaming addiction. He was playing WOW about 50-60 hours a week on top of a 40 hour a week job. Since I was in a new place with no family or friends, I began to slip into a deep depression and loneliness I hadn't experienced before. I found out quickly that he wasn't the guy I moved across country for. After a year of being in his home town, I decided to move back home. I said 'you can come if you love me and want our relationship to work but, I'm not going to go through this bull s*** again.' His response was 'breaking up is not an option, I love you and I can finish school there.' It seemed like an optimistic response and gave me something to be hopeful about. He has now been here almost a year and is back into playing wow (2 different characters.) He doesn't raid anymore (thank goodness) but every week he has to log on to get arena's done on both characters PLUS get the honor he needs. (This can easily be 20 hrs a week) Many times I will ask him to get off and he does. Which I'm sure is more than I can say for most addicts up here. But, I've noticed that if he gets off wow like I ask, he either picks up his wii, or his Nintendo dual screen. In addition to MMPORG's and gaming consoles he has decided to start playing dungeons and dragons again on the weekends with some friends. I've asked him if he's trying to avoid me for some reason, if he's happy with me, if he would prefer to be single, if he would prefer more space, etc...and every single time he says 'No, thats silly...why would I want to be single, and why would I avoid you? I love you.' I'm now realizing that it's not just wow but, compulsive gaming. Almost his entire Saturday and possibly some of his sunday is devoted to WOW and D&D. I recently started doing some research on depression in men and how it differs from women. Men who show signs of anger, irritability, easily frustrated, easily annoyed, and addictive personality symptoms are often depressed. My boyfriend shows all of those symptoms and so did his father until he started taking Lexapro. After months of talking to my boyfriend he decided to go to a clinic to be seen for depression. The therapist agreed that it was depression but, didn't do a thorough psychological evaluation. They have set up a follow-up appointment for medication but, that's it. Just medication and no digging deeper, no dealing with the problem itself. I'm just another girlfriend whose relationship is being torn apart by video games. But, if there is one thing I do know ( and I don't mean to overgeneralize here) is that the majority of the gamers I have met who cannot control themselves are struggling with some form of depression. I'm hoping the medication will help tremendously. We have both agreed that if it doesn't help that it would not be fair to me to stay in this relationship and we will move on. He realizes he has a problem with his depression but, the gaming itself is a whole different issue. I'm just taking it one problem at a time. I don't consider myself co-dependent. I do love him and want to give medication therapy a try before I walk away. I do however, fear that the gaming will only get worse. It definitely isn't as bad as it used to be but, it could be a lot better. He really doesn't think he has a problem since he doesn't do raids, has a full time job, and hangs out with me a little here and there. So, I guess my question would be IS it a problem if he does still do social activities with me every week? Yes he plays the majority of Saturday afternoon but, he's all mine Saturday evenings, Friday evenings (if I'm not working at my PT job) and Sundays evenings? Is this a problem or am I being a silly over dramatic girl?

The book I have been reading may help some of you men out there or women dealing with men who have depression. 'I Don't Want To Talk About It' - Terrance Real

jsm0807
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Different couples has

Different couples has different needs for togetherness and I don't think anyone on the outside can tell you if you are expecting too much or not. It really depends upon you and what makes you happy. There are some couples that are together all the time, but I really doubt that I could be happy as one of those couples. Do you feel neglected? Does it bother you that you have to ask for his attention in order for him to get off the computer and that he wouldn't give you attention if you didn't ask? Would he notice if you were gone on Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings? If you planned a weekend away from home and all video gaming, would he come along and have a good time with you? 20 hours a week on one hobby and additional time on another hobby for a person with a full time job is alot of time away from the loved ones. What about a hobby that the two of you could enjoy together? The courtship stage is supposed to be the "I can't wait to see you" stage. You haven't indicated how old the two of you are and how many other relationships you have been in. But you don't have to justify your choices in a boyfriend to anyone but yourself. You can be what someone else perceives as a silly overdramatic girl, and that is fine because it is who you are. And then you need a boyfriend who not only accepts it , but loves it about you. I don't know you and it doesn't matter what I think, but you don't sound either silly or overdramatic to me. We all make choices in types of personalities and behaviors and body type in a potential mate. There are lots of men in the world that you could love, and some may meet your needs better than another. It may be him, but if you are feeling neglected already, I doubt that will get better over time.

Janet

Solei
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I'm a recovering gamer who

I'm a recovering gamer who also suffered from depression. With a combination of medication and psychotherapy, I have been away from online games (such as WoW) for over a year now. I wish you lots of luck with your boyfriend. Because I know that I couldn't have got through this gaming mess without my husband, I know that your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a supportive woman by his side. Please visit often and don't hesitate to ask any and all questions. Blessings & Love, Solei ____________________________________________________ "Your reactions are the key to having a wonderful life." -Don Miguel Ruiz "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castaneda

-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-

tryingtobreal
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I am the wife of an online

I am the wife of an online gamer-although hes making great strides to stay off the game-it is still and will probly always be an issue.I however have been with this man for 25 years, and Love him so so much-and we have 2 young kids together-who also love there dad. So-I had posted a reply to somebody else in your situation, and I said to her-what I'll say to you. If you don't have kids, and are not married to this man-RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! You don't need this-trust me, I know that you love him, but let him go for now, if it is meant to be, he will come back. but you may be missing out on somebody who can give you the time and love you deserve! Sorry to all of the gamers out there, that I may sound like a bummer-but I'm just trying to save a young girl from unnecessary aggravation and heartache! Whatever you choose, starbrite-were here for you! Keep us updated, and take care of yourSELF!!!

bgh
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I am a manic-depressive

I am a manic-depressive gaming and pornography addict in recovery for four months. I go to 12-step meetings twice a week, as well a seeing a psychiatrist and an addictions counsellor. Online RPG's have been very, very bad for my mood disorder. They have historically driven me deeper into depression and contributed greatly to suicidal ideations, which I ultimately acted on last December. I believe that people suffering from depression should think seriously about quitting this habit - it does nothing for self esteem, and as you have seen, wrecks relationships. -Brad

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
____________________________________

ryvnn
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I have been through the same

I have been through the same thing. As one who WAS with an addicted gamer, I still do believe that that would be a problem. If you are coming here to post if it would be a problem, then I think you've answered your own question. I can tell you right now that it will continue to be a problem unless you take the games away from him.

Brit
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I agree with

I agree with tryingtobreal-run for the hills. But, if it were me, I would not like to heare this advice. So, take some time to think if he will be a good husband who can provide for the family and lead them in rightous desires and a good FATHER.

tiredwife
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I also agree with

I also agree with tryingtobreal, I've been with my husband for eleven years and also have two young children that love their Dad. I have a very deep love for my husband as well, but are my needs being met? A definite no. He's been dealing with depression for years as well and keeps going on and off his meds, counselling, etc. Thank you for the book suggestion by the way, if I were to do it again, knowing what I know now, I would have followed a different path. I don't regret my kids at all, but my heart aches for them having an on-again, off-again father. You deserve everything you want in life, which you will achieve as long as you don't settle for less. People with gaming addiction aren't bad people, my husband has a heart of gold. However, they are addicted, and even if he has cut down, depending what is happening in his life, his use will go up and down until he quits it for good. Please look down the road and don't cut yourself short. You'll be in my prayers.

tryingtobreal
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I am so with you

I am so with you tiredwife!!!!!To bad we cant get together!

jda
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Same here. RUN and do it as

Same here. RUN and do it as fast as you can. The heartbreak will be eaiser to get through. My husband has chosen the game over his family for far to long. And I would have stayed with him just to keep us together. However he is the one who left. And I am beginning to think that it was a blessing in disguise.

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