Hi everyone,
I am re-posting this as I was tired last night when I wrote this into the early hours of the morning and tagged it onto someone else's topic as a reply not really seeing how the site was set up. I have been told "wow, your post is huge" so be warned, lol, but I had a LOT to get off my chest. Thank you to the 2-3 people that replied to me there, you'll probably see this here too.
"I am running on EMPTY. I've tried to keep things in some sort of flow/order in my post but my brain is so jumbled right now. I apologize, this is a LONG post. I have spent most of the day in tears and even more as I've read this thread tonight. I see my life in almost every single one of these posts about gaming husbands and my heart is literally physically aching in my chest. I have NOONE else to turn to, I cannot talk to my family, talking to my husband's family in the past hasn't accomplished anything really although they are painfully aware of his problem and none of my friends know he's a hardcore gamer (not directly told anyway). None of my family lives in the same state and they each have their lives that I don't want to interrupt. I've been ashamed and embarrassed all these years so I've kept his "secret." I keep asking myself, why today, why now after this long, why is today the day for this feeling of "being done" and utter helplessness? We will have been married 7 years this year and have two FANTASTIC children-3yrs and 1yr. :) I knew he "played games" when I met him but I HAD NOOOO IDEA anyone could be so obsessed over fictitious drivel. He has said in the past "You knew I was a gamer when you married me" and "If we don't have anything planned or aren't doing anything I don't see any reason why I can't be playing." I am to where I don't want to suggest things because I know he'd rather be gaming or get right back to it the instant we finish which has led to him saying things like "every time I ask you what you want to do you say 'I don't know.'" He literally lives to game.
We are a "Christian" family and both went into marriage with the belief of "no divorce." HE was the first one to bring up divorce due to the friction over his gaming 6 months into marriage (I was so stunned) and I know that through the years he has even done research online about the cost because he's told me. Especially the past year, you probably wouldn't think of me as a "typical Christian" because it has been almost a year since we last went to church, which was the day our daughter was dedicated. After a month or two passed, I became SO VERY ashamed and just too embarrassed to go after so long and although a number of the people there knew that he was working a lot of overtime (I'm so tired/working insane overtime-his standard response to "how are you?"). I just didn't feel like socializing or explaining why he wasn't there or him getting used to me taking the children on my own!
Up until 1/31/2008 I had worked (10 years) and 1/1/2009 was my first day as a stay-at-home-mum...literally something I had dreamed of for many years (and what he said he'd always wanted to make possible for his wife/family, yadda yadda). Our son had just turned 2 when our daughter was born in Oct. 2008. My mother was here to help until about Dec. 2nd. After that, I shudder when I think about Jan./Feb. all the way until the present. He worked almost 600 hours in those two months alone. As a stay-at-home-mum you are pretty much a 24/7 caretaker anyway but it was literally unbearable because it was like we were both working overtime hours. I don't know, perhaps I would have been able to handle it normally but I was smack dab in the throws of baby blues-NOT a good combination and trying to do my best for your 2yr old and infant. We simply just functioned, I'd cry and we'd talk about how unbearable it was but we had agreed we needed the money and tried to suck it up hoping we'll never have to experience it again "if we can just get through this." Yes, during this time, even on some days e.g. when he was about to get less than 4 hours of sleep, he'd check his games. I look back and wonder how in the world I ever did it but I would take care of the children, sometimes meals and other things around the house, grocery shopping, bill paying, errand running and still let him wake me up at 1am/2am so we could "connect" or eat and see each other awake, lol. I worked and worked and pretty much adjusted everything we did as a family trying to make time for him briefly with the children and/or myself. At times he would stay up and forego sleep to be up a while with us.
I will say he is a hard worker and dedicated employee who works nights. We already had very little social life with the gaming but add that to night shift (almost 4yrs now) and it's pretty much non-existent. Our lives essentially revolve around the children and us trading off so we can each get sleep. At his work, because they want to help keep the night shift employees awake (phones) they allow gaming as long as it doesn't interfere with phone calls being taken and job performance. He has a jolly old time playing all kinds of games there and keeping up with his many Japanese Anime cartoons he follows, with the exception of when his actual work needs doing, his dream environment! Oh no, his dream place would be working for a gaming company. He doesn't want to go back to days because there's more stress and workplace politics (I understand stress/politics) plus the shift differential. He actively plays games on Facebook. He plays computer games ("a collector"), Playstation, Playstation 2, Online games, bought guitar hero, played Dreamcast until his second one broke, Diablo/Diablo II, AOE/AOE2, Medal of Honor and lots of other games. I'm sure I'm forgetting things but pretty much anything except for those few that don't suit his gaming tastes, he'll play. Gaming addiction is all serious; however, Dark Ages Of Camelot (DAOC) was the one that caused the most strife at the time he played it but it was soon replaced by others, one-after-the-other and simultaneously. He already had a history of gaming apparently but kind of presented it as a hobby and collection when we met. I later found out he had flunked college courses partly because he had to work so much to pay his bills but also due to games, I'm sure of it.
The DAOC started when a friend of his from work let him use the trial disk. We had dial-up at the time and for MONTHS he begged and begged for us to get highspeed internet [2003[ (I have always done the finances, got him out of debt and we've never had credit cards in our married life). I had severe migraines for about the first two years of our marriage along with a couple other issues but was still working and spent quite a bit of time sleeping or watching tv at home, partly because he was gaming all the time too. I was bored of local channels and pretty depressed over being neglected, so I finally gave in on the cable/highspeed. He looked at me and said something like "You do realize this will mean I will be playing games a lot more now and you will be watching tv more, right?" At the time I didn't think it could get any worse so that didn't really hit me very hard at the time but looking back it was like he was giving himself permission. During his "testing" of the trial disk he kept bugging me and asking if he could get the $15? monthly subscription, I categorically told him NO every single time but he went ahead and did it behind my back. I found out when looking at our bank statement for something. When it finally got to be too much pressure for him to quit and cancel, a "friend" of his in California let him use an additional account he had and then PAID FOR my husband's own account so I wouldn't know about it. The deceit is just sickening. Of course, at times he pleaded with me to play with him and just "try it" and one time I was close enough that he pulled me onto his lap and physically tried to have me play it with him-I BAWLED, crushed. I've played a few other games with him and enjoyed Diablo II or Tiberian Sun when we could get the network working, etc. and we'd play for time together but in his mind it's MY weakness that I don't like his games and he wishes I did.
We've been through it all-crying, pleading, joking, explaining, pointing things out, threatening...you name it, I'VE TRIED IT! We went to two sessions of marriage counseling, first one was GREAT he loved the counselor, second one he sat silent almost the whole time and I had the counselor essentially tell me (paraphrased) "What would you like me to do? I can't MAKE him want to or actually change." True but I left feeling dejected, frustrated and helpless. Our relationship was pretty strained. Oh, there have been times when he's quit temporarily but not for long and often only after ultimatums. I've asked him to go to support groups, asked him to maybe join Promise Keepers, GET HELP, STOP PLAYING but nothing has worked.
He does still help with the children, sometimes around the house and he really does enjoy cooking and/or cooking out in our real fire smoker pit. He'll do some things to help pretty willingly (now but used to he'd flat out tell me no and keep gaming). It is pretty hard to keep the house clean with two youngsters, work on naps, meals, laundry, bill paying, errands, making sure they have fun at home (and away) and everything else during the day whilst trying to be quiet and keep the children quiet enough so he can get some sleep-NOT ideal! The washer/dryer are back-to-back with the wall where his head/pillow is so laundry piles up-both dirty and clean. He's told me to just do the laundry but he's also told me he can't sleep with them running so I often don't-so that he can get sleep. The kitchen piles up at times because once the children nap or go to bed at night I'm just so relieved that I don't want to make any noise.
I should NOT have to ask my husband to spend time with the children or come up with ideas and suggest and/or tell him that's what he needs to do. I'm just SO tired. He has a problem with lying and manipulating (and a few other things). Often times it takes me getting furious about something or just withdrawing before he'll do things I've asked for however long. I know he complains about me "in game" and on forums. He considers gaming to be part of his personality. He thinks I'm just trying to put him into some box and control him when I just want a "normal" life. He sees me as "the wife" that makes his gaming life difficult for him. He tries to consciously tries to manipulate me by all-of-a-sudden doing/fixing things around the house that I've asked him to do for months. He maybe takes me out to dinner, buys me flowers, does the grocery shopping, cooks, etc. and before too long he feels comfortable enough to just start playing more. I HATE being lied to and manipulated-it is so calculated. I told him before we were married, laying the foundation, that I couldn't stand people lying to me which he acknowledged and appreciated. We have had off and on struggles with it though. He password protects his computer profile-everything. He has my passwords and the only time I've password-protected my computer is when some people were staying with us and using my computer.
I don't know how many "emotional and/or online affairs" or "girlfriends" he's had through the years but it wouldn't surpise me in the least. I told him before we got married that if he ever crossed the line and got physical with someone else to at least pay me the courtesy of just never coming back to "our" bed again.
In Dec. 2005 we had been fighting about the gaming and the very day I was going to tell him I was done and to find somewhere else to live, I found out I was pregnant with our first child, so I didn't.
He gives me no reason to trust him and does very little to "nurture" any feelings I may have for him, although he'll do "it" anytime.
I know he has other issues he needs to deal with but he won't go to counseling and/or we haven't had the money and/or it would just be long enough to let things settle down. He's promised to read certain books but never has (Men's Secret Wars by Patrick Means [his wife wrote Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars]; Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn/Fred Stoeker/Mike Yorkey). Early on around the time he first brought up divorce, I asked him to go to a Gary Smalley marriage conference and he told me he wasn't ready to do that. What does that even mean in a situation like that???
I have read self-help books, read online, I'VE been trying to find answers, help him to change, find solutions and have pretty much exhausted everything I know to do. I recently found out my thyroid is underactive (no doubt from all the stress) which has contributed to a lot of my lack of energy, needing to sleep so much, additional exhaustion, among other things.
He is a totally different person when he is completely away from his technology so I guess those brief glimpses on a few vacations, little get-aways, camping, etc. have kept that little glimmer of hope alive for me. He has great potential. I initially stayed with him because we didn't believe in divorce, and since then it has been because of and for the children.
In late Nov. all of the 8 adults/4 couples in his family went on a weekend away in a cabin. My mother was still here and was about to leave so she agreed to us staying away another night and we stayed in the cabin alone-sight-seeing, hot tub time, snuggles and stuff on the couch while we watched tv mindlessly and just relaxed with no interruptions. I guess it's my fault but whilst I did enjoy the time with him I was very angry with him so I didn't totally relax and enjoy. The time we have away from home, alone, is so RARE that I didn't think it was the right place/time to talk about the gaming or anything serious. It had been over a year since our last real "date" for my birthday the previous year and that was only because my mother was visiting and watched the children. You would have thought he'd been zapped by lightning or something during and after that weekend, in a good way. He was like a different man, he enjoyed the family time and the alone time. I found myself thinking this but haven't expressed it to him yet "you think this weekend has been so fantastic, and it has, but the sad thing is that THIS is what NORMAL life is like where you interact with people, build relationships, reconnect and don't stare at a screen all day."
However, at home, he often ignores the children and I when he's in the "zone" with his headphones on or talking on the phone and/or talking through the game or a chat program with someone from the game in addition to chat/typing. The other day someone called him during the day when he was sleeping, woke him up and he got up to help them with the game. He sometimes even games during movies when he's not too interested in the movie choice if we get to watch one together. It's not uncommon for him to turn the light off and game in the dark and be as quiet as possible so I'll think he's sleeping. It's rediculous...and his lack of sleep and misguided priorities affect us ALL.
I used to try SO HARD but have kind of given up, I have nothing left to give or try except physically leaving (either as a trial or for good). I believe I am at the point where I can say that I am sorry I ever married him. My heart is breaking at the thought of my children asking me where daddy is but also because it's like the death of a dream. The plan has been to homeschool, I don't think it would be a reality if I have to go back to work. I suppose I could stay until they are old enough for me to struggle through and hopefully somehow afford private Christian school, but at what cost to the children?
Wow, it's 4:15am...soooo many thoughts swirling. I must end this, both for your brains' sakes and my rest. I don't know how many of you will actually have read through all of this, but I want to thank you in advance if you have. I welcome any and all feedback, especially from those with a Christian viewpoint, I could really use some advice. Thank you and goodnight!"
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
First of all, welcome to Olga.
The people on this site have walked in the shoes of both you and your husband, and so we can relate very strongly to your story. You've come to the right place; you are amongst friends.
One thing that stood out for me in reading your post is the very deep pain, hurt, and fatigue that bled through your words. You have every right to be angry. Every right in the world! He has disrespected not only you, but your children also, and the marriage vows you made. To think that he went on a forum and called you derogatory names. and dissed you is just...*shakes head. On top of the non-stop gaming, the online flirtations, the manipulating - no wonder you are so tired! You, my dear, are doing all of the work in this relationship. You deserve his respect and honor - and a holiday!
But it is so difficult when little ones are invovled. It's very difficult to extricate yourself from a relationship when financially you depend on that extra pay packet to make ends meet, or when you have children together. Also, as you mentioned in your post, occasionally you may see the little flashes of the real him that you met long ago; the guy who is so great and awesome when he's away from the computer doing active things - not this automaton who is like a cyber-zombie. And when you see those brief glimpses, you decide to stay just to see if he'll change this time...
You know, they rarely do. Not until they get a short, sharp shock like the internet being turned off or the computer being taken away, or their wife or husband whom they have taken for granted all these years just...up and leaves.
I suggest you make out a list of where you'd like to be in say...five years. Where would you like the family to be, as a unit? What is your part in this goal, and what is his part? Write this list out. Sometimes, just making plans like that centers you, focuses your energy and concentration a bit more, makes you more determined about what you want, and what you don't want.
Write about how you feel when he neglects you and the kids to play the game, or for the virtual fantasy of some faceless woman. Don't hold back. Heck, print out this post and hit him between the eyes with it at an intervention (figuratively, not literally heh).
Speak to his family members. Do not be ashamed. Tell them what's at stake. Let them know what's going to happen if they do not back you. Let them know you need their help if they want their brother/son back, whole and well, and if they want to continue to enjoy your children on a regular basis. Be completely honest about the effect he's had on the lives of you and the children; the finances, the real or virtual affairs, the neglect of you and the kids. Ensure their participation in an intervention with him.
Truly, do not be embarrassed. You have nothing to lose - and everything to gain. Think of it this way, you are fighting for your lives here. Enough pussy-footing around, you need to lay down the law, and if he doesn't abide, well then, make firm hard decisions, and stick to them! You and the kids deserve better than this!
Stage that intervention. Be honest and truthful. Also be pragmatic. Get the number of a good divorce lawyer. And...
God Bless, and good luck!
Miss Stone has given some very wise advice. I'd also like to make a suggestion: set boundries for your children about acceptible behavior. Do not allow them to be around daddy while he is playing the game because you don't want them to think that what he's doing is acceptible, and you don't want to allow your husband the exuse that their presence is a form of bonding. It's NOT, but he may try to rationalize it to be so. Also keep up a regular routine for dinner, family time etc. The established routines will be a relief for both you and the children because everyone knows what is expected of him/her.
Your feelings of hurt and anger are completely understandable, but you don't want to engage with your husband while he's under the influence of the games because it could push him even further into he games. So far he has proven that he's not afraid to use you as the scape goat for his horrible habit (which is not your fault in the least!). At the very least perhaps you can find strength in routine because it will keep you out of his line of fire.
THANK YOU for your welcome and reply!!! I am sorry that this is so long again, getting all these thoughts written down and getting feedback is doing a WORLD of good. You are correct, my emotions are very raw right now and I'm worn out. I have been reading and reading on this site today. One thing I'm appreciating is that finally I feel validation for my feelings, like it's not just me and I'm not crazy or selfish for feeling/thinking the way I do. Sadly, I think I may be mourning the "loss of the dream and how things should be or were supposed to be" WAY MORE than the thought of losing him. It is tragic but also comforting to know there are so many others out there who can offer prayers/advice/opinions. I like the idea of the list but not much comes to mind and I used to "journal" but haven't in years, too hurtful, although helpful. I've struggled with when to talk to him and/or his family but need to work through some things first.
Right now, I cannot see myself "growing old with him." (Haha, next thing you know I'd have to read his screens for him when his eyesight goes). My overall 5 year view would be to be happily married to someone who adores the children, is a fantastic father and possibly even have 2 more children or to be alone until the children go to college and/or start adulthood on their own.
Turning the internet off isn't really an option because I need a lifeline right now and I've tried it before, he got livid and it didn't work. I recently downgraded to a slower "high speed/bandwidth" but it was painfully slow to do anything like load pictures, etc. so I bumped it back up. Except for last year, we spent our honeymoon then anniversaries on camping trips but the past couple years he's gotten bored after a couple of days or we've been rained out so we've come home early.
Part of me hopes things will change but the rest of me knows him, the history and is already out the door emotionally, the thought of an intervention tires and annoys me as I've given him ultimatums before, even down to a list of who would get what when we split. It was enough for him to snap the disks to his main game at the time (2005?) and say he'd sell some of his games, which he sorely resented. I *THINK he went for 3 months then was in it again yet had started back before I knew so it was probably less than 3.
Yes, the glimpses are great, but I have so much built up frustration with him that at times they upset me more than help things. On the way back from a family trip to Canada in 2004? he apologized for not being the husband I deserved and that he was going to try and be better, etc. This sort of conversation has happened multiple times. He likes to cook, periodically buys me flowers, plans things here and there, helps with the children when I ask, does shopping, etc. If there's such a thing as a "high-functioning" game addict I guess it would be him, he's a genius mentally but kind of awkward socially. In the early days, not so much, but more as he's matured, he's done more.
He knows that all of his family knows and I've even told him how he's hurting them by being off in another room while the other 7 of us are socializing or doing something else if all 8 of us aren't playing board games or he doesn't want to play. They're just so used to it being "oh, that's him, just how he is/has been" and if anyone would ask where he was one would often hear "where do you think? or where he always is" and other variations. I think they tend to avoid confrontation/emotional stuff so I think it would be awkward and "stretching it" if I was to ask for us all to do an intervention. Plus, he's come back at me before saying things like "have I not done everything you've asked me to do today already?" In his mind, if he just does x, y, z he's ok. With it having been a while since I've talked to any of them about it, they might be a little surprised if I was to tell him I'm done trying but it most certainly wouldn't shock them.
Of late, I believe he has been venting to his parents about ME when he goes out there with our son (mostly), about the house and my lack of interest which has made me withraw from them. He's used the "witholding isn't Biblical" if intimacy is strained or non-existent at times. His mother was a SAHM with small jobs here and there to help when they needed it but she did TOO MUCH for them (women keep house-men work) so it's like he just expected me to step right on in where she left off even though he'd been off at college. During our worst fight ever he told me that I'm a great mum and that I "almost" have the Proverbs 31 wife thing down (told him that's what I am striving for) but "you SUCK as a housekeeper." Among other things, I told him he was the most selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed person I'd ever met, pointed lots of things out including how I'm sick of picking up his clothes and socks off just about any/every room in the house, wherever it lands, etc. Before it was all over he was saying "I don't think either of us really wants it to come to divorce...I guess I have to change/work to do." I know he's frustrated with himself deep down because he's told me he doesn't know what God's plan/purpose is for his life and "what he wants to be when he grows up" type of thing. He seems sad? after an emotional confrontation as if he sees the hurt he's causing yet doesn't change.
When both his brother, then sister lived with us between college graduation and "real jobs" they both saw first hand our situation, there was no getting around it. They were sad, disgusted, frustrated among other things. His brother was so mad at him and one day we had a conversation outside where he expressed his feelings and apologized for the way he was treating me, etc. It meant a lot (fast forward 6 years and he himself now plays games while his wife cares for their 8 month old almost single-handedly). Off and on (mostly in the early days of struggles) I brought his parents into things (which I'd never wanted to do in marriage and we'd discussed NOT doing) and he'd say no he didn't want to lose me but gradually things would just slide back to same old same old. Since all that, I have talked to individual ones as well as a few here and there. His mother/parents/family have told me they don't know how I do it, living with him and that I would still be their daughter/sister in their eyes and they would support my decision if it was to come to a final split. His parents pastored very conservative churches for many years so coming from them, that's quite something. They also say we're the right fit for each other otherwise so they know there is good in him as do I. Although, if I do physically leave, given their overall track record of helping (with the children) I really don't know what support I would actually have. His sister and her husband do NOT want kids and don't like being around them but say they enjoy ours because they're family. His brother and wife had their first now so they're understanding more of our world but live 45 mins away. His dad ADORES our son, and the whole family tends to favour him over our daughter which I HATE!!! I truly believe his mother doesn't like to babysit our children (or their now 8mo old cousin) but she'll take pictures of them and brag to others and on Facebook and such, they all tend to. I do not want to impose anything on them that they do not want. I have no family around, just his and I don't really have any friends I can turn to for support either. Part and parcel of this whole lifestyle it seems.
I feel at this point I can't talk with him until I have decided, deep down, what I believe is the only/right way to go. A part of me doesn't want to be with him, perhaps even if he does change. I dread what our communication and interaction would be regarding the children and worry about if they had to go and visit him aside from me, whether he would game with them just playing/being in the same room or actually ever spend time with them. I'd be "relieved" to not have to directly deal with his junk but the resentful thoughts come about how I'd be the responsible one while he just keeps living like he's a bachelor without a wife and family.
I'm sorry this is so lengthy everyone, just spilling out. I need some sleep, especially after last night. God Bless and I very much look forward to hearing from you.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Hi, shattereddreams.
You seem to have made some good emotional progress just in the time between this and your first post. I see a lot of love in this post, for your husband and his family and yours. I know you are very frustrated with him, and somewhat with yourself, too.
I can't really advise you - am not a marriage counselor - but wanted to offer just the overview here. The answer to all this delimma is love with detachment, and service to others with no expectation of any reward. I'm sure you know these things in your heart, and wanted to encourage that part of you. No matter what your husband does - whether he gets into recovery or not, you can be happy and make others happier, especially your kids. Thanks for the share, and keep on keeping on.
Hello shattereddreams. I'm an addict. I'm not very experienced here, but the little I can tell you, I will. Your husband knows he is causing pain. He does. I know because I've been there. I knew I was, but ..... I simply had to play and lie and manipulate more. It's hard to understand. I know. Sometimes I would feel " I HAVE to stop. My life is going DOWN THE DRAIN. I HAVE TO END THIS." and maybe log off the game and do something else. Five minutes later I was back. I don't expect you to understand and you really don't have to. But just get the idea that it is hard to stop.
I joined here because of what I call, a click. My fiancee said she would leave me if I wouldn't change. Then I looked for Online Gaming Addiction on search sites and found OLGA family. read the stories of not only shattered dreams but shattered families and shattered lives due to gaming addiction. I wasn't still 100% sure but OLGA convinced me. I was truly convinced when I saw other people with same problem I had, with terrible outcomes to their situations.
Again, I don't expect this to help a lot but your problem with your husband is far worse than mine. I'm sure there's other people more capable of helping you and by getting your post up on the Recent Posts tab, I hope we can get their attention.
I sincerely wish YOU the best.
Pazos
Hi Laurel, Yes, I have made progress, more since posting my second one. Thanks, I'm glad you were able to see that just by reading, it is encouraging. At the recommendation of several people in chat as well as in posts, I took out "Codependent No More" from the library yesterday and hope to start reading it tonight.
I have decided to make a concerted effort to change my attitude, to a positive one wherever possible, from a mixture of sarcasm, pessimism, little jabs and overall frustration in certain areas of communication with my husband. I don't know if he'll even notice, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I no longer want to be held hostage by such insidious and destructive feelings and thoughts. I am not typically a "me, myself and I" type of person, and that's not what this is about, but I need to get myself on track regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I've let his actions destroy my joy and love of life for too long and am already thinking of and attempting tiny baby steps to that end.
I very much appreciate the love and caring support I have been receiving here and will keep coming back for more. :)
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Hi Pazos, Thank you for your reply, honesty and viewpoint. I think instinctively I know that he knows, somewhere on some level that he is hurting others. I am not the only one that has told him so, his family has tried to reach out to him in the past some too.
I have tried for a long time to wrap my mind around and truly be sympathetic with the idea that it is hard to stop. I believe it but I.....I don't know that I "get it" 100% because when I consider everything I also think about how things in life comes down to one's WILL, choices and willpower. Thus, I often think, if he was truly serious about wanting to quit, not just needing to due to pressure or the suffering of others, no matter his reasons, he would. He knows the hurt and pain it has caused yet he still goes back to it with no regard for his family and overall life.
There is nothing more that could be made clearer for him, he's had pleading, ultimatums, and everything else under the sun yet in my view he still consciously CHOOSES to game. If he truly wanted to, he would stop. Like I said, I've tried to see it from his side SO many times, I just can't get around the "will" and determination part, active steps, etc. Perhaps you could address this and help me with my thought process?
I value your opinion, thank you for your time and best wishes, and welcome any other comments you might have.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Update: It has been just 3 days since I joined here and I already have a more positive outlook, for this I thank you all and the very existence of this site.
Positive: This is me, you'll see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJTs2y1ot60
A pastor and his wife came by yesterday to buy something from me for their church nursery and "not knowing them from Adam" I shared about our situation looking for another objective Christian response. He said their son is/was an addict and that they also have a couple in their church that is going through the exact same thing, even down to it being a gaming addiction. He gave me a card, his wife listed her cell # on it and they told me to call if I needed to talk to them and that they would be willing to counsel me/us, and no we didn't even have to go to their church-they would still help us. They then prayed with me and went on their way. I emailed them and gave them this site and a brief description and said it could be a very helpful thing for the other couple they spoke of and even for them if they needed a great resource. We have been out of church for almost a year, as I'd mentioned previously, and I've been too ashamed to return after so long. My mother had already suggested, "then look for another church, start fresh." They are way across town but I am considering going this Sunday-as a family hopefully! I had talked to her for a couple of days about the item they wanted to buy but then she got sick and it wasn't until AFTER I joined here that they came for it. It was a "God thing" for sure.
Positive Step, Positive/Neutral/Negative Outcome? You help me decide, I'd love feedback.
This afternoon, I printed out the "A Screening Tool For Excessive Gamers" list of questions from this site and very casually and in an upbeat tone told my husband I had a questionairre/ survey type thing I'd love for him to answer yes/no to the questions if he was willing. He took it, got a bit of a smile on his face and kind of chuckled as he started to read the title out loud and (in a happyish/funny tone) said "greeeat" but immediately started doing it. I left the room to give him privacy.
When he was done, he brought it to me and said I need to keep in mind that this is specifically geared towards MMORPG games and that is how he answered and that he hadn't played DAOC in years but he answered regarding THAT game. I asked him about the other games he plays, Ikariam and ????, and he said they are different in that you can play for 5 minutes and leave versus and MMORPG. I asked him if he plays for 5 minutes and leaves? He also said that with those types of games you can only do so much in a given period of time and can't go any further. I jokingly asked if he just plays one, runs out of things to do then just switches to the other, thus having a steady flow of games to play. He said no he plays them at the same time. I asked him if he would answer the questions again thinking mentally to answer in relation to those types of questions and he said his answers would be the same. I asked about his thoughts on how applicable it is to gaming overall and by his answer, I know he feels it does but he explained away about the MMORPG things again.
He asked me where I found the questions and if I found them on that site about the Korean gaming crisis I've mentioned to him and I told him no but I did find it online. I was hopeful that with my non-threatening approach he would answer the questions and I am thankful that he did. I AM ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, to say the least, at most of his answers yet on some levels not surprised.
Ok, so I KNOW that a lot of you are already going to answer with the same things I am already thinking but I am going to wait and hope for responses before I share my thoughts.
Thanks everyone!!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Gollly, shattered! This has all brought joy to my heart and tears, too. Such confirmation is prescious, isn't it?
About the desire to play being greater than the desire to stop...I can only say from my personal experience that it took me YEARS to get to the point where I could honestly say I wanted to stop....and I still couldn't stop. Lots of dirty water under the bridge, a few severe shocks from life, the realization that it was killing mespiritually AND physically, many prayers, several half-hearted attempts, and then the desire to play was lifted from me like a heavy burden or yoke that kept me in the squirrel cage. I'm grateful that that obsession was lifted finally.
One thing I learned from all this...and I do believe that handicaps, trials, burdens, addictions are our HP's way to teach us detachment and reliance on Him. Without Him, we are powerless. Without consciousness of our spiritual purpose, we spin our wheels in this world...don't mean to wax metaphysical, but it is so, imho.
Today I've been in despair that I'm still far from the goals of recovery, and still unable to take the actions I know I need to take on a daily basis. In other words, there is still a lot of work to do....but I want to do it and I believe if I keep on truckin, I will get there.
If your husband reaches this point of being able to stop, it won't be because of your efforts, or even his, perhaps. Maybe it is a gift of Spirit and not one that is earned but one that is granted just because we are beloved....anyway, that's where my thoughts are. Thanks again for your sharing.
:-) :-) :-)
Oh, my goodness...Answers to prayer? I would say so!!!
You, being given wisdom, my dear sister? ABSOLUTELY!
"Something Heavenly"? A God thing? Duh! You know it is!
BTW, Loved that song! Never heard it before. thanks much...know I'll be able to share it to encourage someone else, too!
Glory! Glory!
Love ya, girl! Will keep prayin'!
IHS xo
Hmmm. Loved the song, too....and immediately pasted it to my FB site :P
Thanks, shattereddreams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJTs2y1ot60
Get a job.
ASAP.
Good luck to you.
Leveling in Real Life
The "edit" button is not showing up on my first post, can anyone help with that? Thanks.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
shattereddreams..., the "edit" button does not appear on the first post for anybody. Instead, you should have an Edit tab at the top of the first post that will allow you to edit that initial post. This is the way that Drupal, the system that this site uses, has been configured, I believe partially because there are also extra options that are available for the entire thread there (e.g., moving the thread to a new forum).
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
Hi John O, "Duh" I see it now, lol. I have had issues with my blog saying I'm trying to post it multiple times (only pressing submit once) so I've been hesitant to try editing things, lol.
Thanks!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
You have got to make a decision...what's best for you and your children. The bottom line is...do you love him enough to live this way? Is is too much for you and the kids.. I appreciate how you feel, but YOU need to make a decision...
I just wanted to thank each of your for the replies. I'm heading to bed but will try to reply more directly soon. Good baby step changes are *starting* to happen in me, I've shared a bit in my blogs already over the past couple of days.
I have one quick thing I'd like to ask advice on tonight, especially on how to word things, that might help him realize he is a "game addict" who is "addicted to games and gaming" and not just someone who used to play DAOC but doesn't anymore. He's previously admitted being addicted to DAOC and hasn't played it in a couple of years (because of the strife it caused). I knew on some level that he is in denial but I didn't realize how deeply until the other day when he took the "questionairre" for excessive gamers from this site. A few minutes ago I emailed him the story written by "Tommy Former Addict Of EQ" from the "I need help for gamers" section of the site (first blue sticky note/post there-"I lost everything in my life, because of this game...") with a simple subject of "story." Now, I've read that heartbreaking story a couple of times already so I know what it's all about. His reply to the email was simply:
nice. good thing I stopped playing DAOC
If it's even possible and something I or anyone else can even help him see, what would you suggest as a way for him to see that it's the "gaming lifestyle" and not just this game or that game that he is playing/addicted to?
Thanks bunches!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Ok Ill give you the answer. Do nothing! yes nothing and focuss full on about you and the children. Thats the only way he will pull up his socks. When he sees you backing off and trying to change him it will give him a chance to sort it out himself.
Ignore all negative thoughts you have about him and make a list of what you want for your future. And he might just surprise you!
We need the 12 Traditions as much or more as we do the 12 Steps. X.
I second what sad says :P. Acceptance is the key here.
Ok, thanks! That just confirms what I was thinking and already starting to do!
I told him yesterday that our sis-in-law and I are taking our children to the Zoo today (first time for their 8mo old cousin and for all together!) I also mentioned to him that I'll be taking the children to church with me tomorrow while he is working OT and possibly some DT as he is today too. He asked me where and I told him a new church across town, etc.
Anyway, I must get ready for the Zoo, I'm really looking forward to having a fun time, especially now that the Children's Zoo part just opened!
Have a great day everyone!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
I do hope it works for you Shattered...What the others have said about going on with your life and childrens is good advice.Hopefully he will see that you, and the children are doing great ,and fun things in life as a family, and feel hes missing out on your alls adventures in real life ,and want to join in.I wish you peace,courage,strength,wisdom,and happiness.
"It's all in your mind...Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.If you continue to believe as you have always believed,you will continue to act as you have always acted.If you continue to act as you have always acted,you will continue to get what you have always gotten.If you want different results in your life or your work,all you have to do is change your mind." Anonymous...
Thank you very much, that is my hope too. :) I will take all the "peace,courage,strength,wisdom,and happiness" I can absorb! :)
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Thanks, sad, this is exactly what I've been *trying* to do the past few days. My head is feeling more clear and my thought life and actions are starting to follow suit as I feel more relaxed and a bit more like the real me again so far.
He has had indirect yet very real control over so many aspects of ME because I've allowed myself to give in to all these feelings towards him-up until now! I plan on changing that gradually.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
I'm so glad!!!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Laurel, I am sorry it took so long for you in your journey to where you are today and that you have gone through so much whether directly or indirectly related to your gaming. You now have a wonderful testimony to share with others, like myself, and are making a positive difference!
I agree, "we just spin our wheels," boy do we ever!
Remember: Psalm 30:5 - For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life" weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
I agree, I think it will take a miracle...and I'll leave that one to tHE one and only pro! ;)
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Update:
I joined this site with one foot and my whole heart out the door already. One thing I am perturbed at myself for is the fact that I am an intelligent, perfectly capable adult but have not been functioning as one because of being so angry and bitter and bogged down with the oppressive nature of living with an addict. I know that even in a week, my attitude has changed some already. I would have to say that it is NOT all me, and definitely a aEUoeGod thingaEU because I didnaEU(tm)t WANT to do a lot of this before.
A thought came to me tonight "Would I just allow a person to walk up to me, put me on the ground and hold me down physically for no reason?" I think not, so I find myself annoyed with myself for allowing these feelings and things to have such control over me for so long. ~ It's akin to being underwater, seeing the rays of sunshine streaming down, hearing muffled sounds, knowing the way and watching others find it but feeling weak and not knowing how to push up from the bottom. That first push is the first step and often the hardest AND it is a choice. Sink or swim.
All along, I've thought it was about him needing to change and resting my feelings and happiness on his shoulders resulting in anger and frustration because he wasn't changing for both of us. I've been underwater holding my breath, floundering around until he "gets it" so WE can live life together. I "pushed up" when I found this site and I hope to never be at the bottom again. ~
I know a number of you are probably wondering why I haven't given my husband an ultimatum this time and/or left by now. If I was to leave now without fixing ME first, I would just be an angry, lost and unprepared ex-wife and single mother in a sea of uncertainty and stress in an uncaring world. Life is hard enough without all that and my children deserve better. I believe if I am committed to this being his "last real chance" then I feel it MUST come from him. I'd like to try it with me being better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to wait around forever. I am going to live my life with the children, get myself emotionally and physically well. The better I am at the time, should it come, I will be ready for me, the children and to face whatever is ahead without him-that's my hope anyway. That being said, my true aEUoein love withaEU feelings for him have been minimal, at best, so it remains to be seen what can or canaEU(tm)t be rebuilt. I know that I do not want to be in the shell of a marriage pretending, when all is said and done.
Overall, I don't think giving him an ultimatum will do any good because even if he does agree to stop and/or go to meetings and/or counseling I still see that as me being the catalyst and it not coming from HIM as his desire to change/quit, which I think is VERY important. All of the other times I have acted and reacted out of anger, hurt, frustration, helplessness and everthing else so it is not surprising that they were taken as personal attacks and him thinking of me as wanting to control him. We've been through it before and it hasn't worked no matter how angrily, calmly or logically IaEU(tm)ve tried to talk to him, even in non-confrontational ways.
Deep down, he is a caring, loving, hopeless romantic who wants to be a good husband, dad and friend. He has many faults that need working on and is very misguided and off track. When I see how loving he can be with the children, like just yesterday, sometimes it gives me hope that he's not just a totally clueless ***.
On that note, I am heading to bed with a more pure thought, lol: Psalms 16:9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Yes, thanks! He is definitely there for us always, even when we go our own way and mess things up over and over. I am pleased that you loved the song and really hope it will continue to help others. I know I have spent a lot of time tonight listening to music as I write my replies. Thank you for the advice and encouragement you offer to those that pass by here.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Sorry for the weird formatting on my second-to-last post, it went haywire and nothing I did fixed it.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Loved your last post. You are seeing what I am seeing. It is up to them.
Have a great day.
We need the 12 Traditions as much or more as we do the 12 Steps. X.
Good morning New,
I have been reading your thread with great interest. You are certainly going through a lot in quite a short time!
It's interesting to me that so many people seem to take from our advice to spouses, especially, that we advocate "kicking the loser to the curb" in the first instance. Actually, or at least certainly as to most of the long-time anons here, we talk about taking such a step only as a last resort. Particularly when there are kiddoes involved, I think virtually all of us agree that the spouse should take all reasonable and practicable steps to resolve the situation, short of ending the marriage. Of course, if there is physical or extreme emotional abuse going on, that calculation does change somewhat.
When an "anon" is a fiancee or girlfriend, yes, it's true that we'll often question, more seriously, the wisdom of going forward with the addict. But this is because that's before the vow is taken, the lives are intertwined, the children are on the scene to be wounded.
IMO, you are doing absolutely the right thing to focus on yourself and your children. It's hard when we get to that place where we realize that we can't rely on someone else to make us happy... but it's also at least somewhat liberating! You can have your own life, plans, dreams, hopes and accomplishments, without having to rely on someone else's cooperation.
Finally, just as a practical matter, of course you must initiate an independent life and plan for every conceivable variable, before making any major decision to leave or separate. Again, unless there is physical danger involved, it's always better to go with a plan. Whether this means getting a job (even a part-time job), bringing your job skills back up to date, assembling a support system with your family and new church - it's all necessary and empowering work.
Good luck to you and hang in there!
Jane in CT
God is good, all the time, even when we don't feel like believing or doing it, look up!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Hi Jane, thanks for your message. :) I agree with pretty much everything you've just said. I'm hoping to post an "update" post in this thread yet tonight so it'll give you a good sense of where my mind and heart are right now. Thanks again.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
I'm not doing too well today, any prayers would be appreciated.
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Please know our prayers are always with you and I'm sending special strong thoughts and prayers your way.
Hi, Newdreams. Sorry if you're down but I know from experience that you'll get back up. That's the main thing. Hang in there.
3/23/10
Today was a pretty good day until this evening. My husband took our son to the park then on a few errands including a trip to a hardware store to buy the materials needed for them to make a birdhouse together out of real wood, etc. Our son was beaming and just so tickled to have done those things with his daddy. (He even got to ride on one of those rocking truck/toys for $0.50 outside the grocery store which was a pleasant surprise to me too).
Fast forward to this evening. Our daughter, son and myself are all sick. I *think* we caught something from our niece over the weekend, which we spent with his family for a birthday and Easter. Part of the time my husband was in the other room playing Majong or something while the rest of us were socializing...but sadly that's pretty normal for him to play games there too. I did go in and ask him one time if he was going to come and socialize, which he did for a bit but then fell asleep on the couch.
Anyway, tonight...
He was delaying, playing and procrastinating in getting our 3yr old to bed after we talked about it and IaEU(tm)d put our 1yr old to bed already. Ds was very tired, sniffling, etc. yet dh still kept gaming. A while past after I'd reminded him (again) about ds being ready and needing to go to bed. I went to get some tissues and saw that he had a game up. I got ready and took our son for a ride to put him to sleep because it was after 10pm by that time. He stepped out the door as we were leaving (he didn't have to he would have heard the door close) then when we got back he turned the games off and came to the bedroom as if ready for bed.
I went to the kitchen for a drink and he started saying something about how he was taking care of a work issue. I told him that was ** and that I'd seen his game screen up and that his sick wife, sick son and sick daughter were more important than his *bleeping* pixels.
I told him I wasn't saying he didn't have a work issue he dealt with but it had been over an hour since we first discussed it and ds had been ready for bed. (He also hadnaEU(tm)t told me about any work-related thing or IaEU(tm)d have tried to take care of dsaEU(tm) bedtime myself).
He tried to tell me that his work screen was in front of the game screen and he was working. Again, I told him I saw the game screen in front and he was playing. So, he asked me if I wanted to see the timestamps on the work chat/help and I told him sure but he came back and told me that the session was closed and he couldn't get the times.
I know his work doesnaEU(tm)t usually take that long per instance. It was a facebook game or something. The other night he told me he'd closed his facebook games but then yesterday I saw that he became a fan of another one. He came to our room to go to bed so I shut down the computer, took my pillow and my aEUoeCodependent No MoreaEU book to the lounge so he went to the office/where he sleeps (night shift so sleeps during day) to bed and is asleep.
I almost don't want to post this now but I've been planning on posting the following update for days now: 3/18/10-
Well, I have been wanting to post an update about how things have been going lately. I have to admit, I was doing pretty well until this morning.
First of all, God has definitely worked in me, it's obvious that is has not been my doing and that of Him and the results of various people's prayers, the overall aEUoeburdenaEU has been lifted. I have more energy and the thoughts that plagued me night and day have subsided. He has almost completely taken the burden, a real physical feeling of being burdened to the point that almost every breath was a deep tired and sad sigh to not feeling that particular weight on my chest anymore. Now I breath deeply and smile more-it has literally affected me physically for the better over the past days-definitely a result of prayers and GOD answering to have had that heavy burden of anger and despair lifted. I could NOT do this otherwise, it's not in my strength. Considering my heart has been severely hardened to the point of almost giving up on God completely, this past year especially. I've been praying for God to soften my very hardened heart, in all aspects, not just towards my husband because I have partially blamed him for aEUoeletting this happen to me.aEU I would sometimes even have a hard time listening to Christian music but I'd make myself yet still change stations on certain songs - I was floundering badly. The softening has been a very welcome thing so far.
I'm still not there, still working on it, still burned out on church in general but I'll be going back at some point. I still have work to do on my relationship with God, NO question. Has my situation changed? No. It's about how HE is changing my heart. A little over a week ago you wouldn't have heard this sort of thing from me, that's how bad it was. HE is changing how my thoughts are and I truly had doubted that it would ever happen, ever. My thoughts are clearer. I still care but the WHAT I'm caring about and channeling my energy into has completely changed before, EVERY day my feelings were based on what my husband was doing that day and that's probably the key, I care but I'm not getting angry inside by him doing the same things.......
We're only human, we fall short, especially living in extraordinary circumstances.
I have my aEUoebadaEU and aEUoesadaEU moments but overall I feel lighter, happier, more hopeful and ready (mentally at least) to meet this head on. I'm sure I'll have my off days and the frustration isn't gone completely, but I somehow have a new perspective and resolve that I did not have before. Subconsciously through (understandably so) getting and staying angry, IaEU(tm)ve allowed my husbandaEU(tm)s behaviour to keep me in knots. It is VERY hard not to drown in our current situations, which is what I was doing....wallowing every day and seeing no hope...until recently.
I think some of his actions of late are being spurred by my more positive and happy moods overall, which is not surprising. It's hard, because we deserve to be heard and understood but at some point, WE have to decide to pull ourselves up and move on regardless. WE have been allowing them the power over our lives, even the simplest things, and do not feel FREE like that. You know who you are or can work on re-discovering yourself and want to get back to being you-easier said than done.
Another analogy came to mind the other night: Picture yourself at the base of a very tall wall standing in mud and looking down...always talking about how you can move your feet but can't get over the wall. Yet all along there has been a safety rope hanging over the edge of the wall within your reach.
First, you have to look up and see the hope of a way out instead of just the mire.
Second, you have to REACH out and grab the rope and do the hard work to climb up and over the wall. There are even knots in the rope to help you up and not slip.
Forget what the outcome might or might not be and whataEU(tm)s on the other side, youaEU(tm)re not there yet and even if you were you wouldnaEU(tm)t be prepared in your current state anyway.
The question has come to mind aEUoeWhat is my biggest fear, if I am able to let go of the anger completely?aEU I think maybe on some level I feel that I deserve to feel the anger "after all he's put me through?" or maybe subconsciously I feel like if IaEU(tm)m no longer angry people might think there is nothing wrong or it can't be THAT bad? Am I afraid that I will just accept his behaviour and not want the overall situation to change-just function as is? Well, it is and will be a daily choice to let actions be like water on a duck's back....they are there but don't saturate. I am far from that place but it is a goal.
Life is thrown into shambles when husbands don't step up and lead the home but I guess that doesn't excuse us as wives for not being who we are separate from them. The bible talks about the wife and the unbelieving husband, I guess we should consider them as such? Perhaps it would help us? Sometimes spending time away from him even in the same house can help with the huge frustration level (not hard with him so engrossed in another room). Other times reading or going out for a little while helps neutralize the feelings. I am finding that I have more patience with the children and am more like the mum I was and have been struggling and trying very hard to be! They didn't ask to come into the world nor choose their family or our living situation and we, as adults, are the ones responsible for them. I feel guilt when I think about how helpless and dependent they are on us and how things have been.
I just opened my copy of aEUoeThe Power Of A Praying WifeaEU and the page says "Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him." One thing I like about the book is that the prayers are there right in front of me. I don't have to come up with the words right now and probably shouldn't, LOL, and they are very real gut-wrenching prayers.
I have found myself praying and singing "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and RENEW a RIGHT spirit within ME...Cast me not away from your presence of Lord, take not thine holy spirit from me..RESTORE unto me the JOY of my salvation...and RENEW a right spirit within ME."
IF you are praying for my situation, THANK YOU and I ask just one thing: "Please pray as you feel led" as I don't want to be the one to specify what to pray for.
Anything is possible: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY&NR=1
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Stick with The Stormie O book, ND! it's a "toughie", BUT WELL WORTH IT IF you're strong and courageous. And maybe not even "feeling strong and courageous", but doing what you KNOW is right!
Which of us likes to face ourselves and our need to change and grow?! OUCH ouch ouch! But we will NEVER regret forward movement with God! We're either moving ahead, or we're being/allowing ourselves to be pushed back. It's never static. Keep going back to what you KNOW is true and right! You'll be able to live with yourself. And others. And keep becoming more of the woman you were created to be. Be strong in HIM and in the power of HIS might! You have no strength in yourself by yourself.
In prayer and love for you and yours,
IHS
NewDreams: that was so very insightful of you. Your words show that you have tools necessary to be successful with this. My first thought after I read your post is that I wonder how you will feel next year, re-reading that post. Methinks you will have a new outlook by then. Hope we are around to find out! Your friend trw, And prayers for you!
Thank you so much, once again, IHS. I do plan on sticking with the book. I still have my moments of anger but I think I am a little better at handling some things now so I will possibly be starting the book over again to start fresh. Hopefully the "renew a right spirit within me" prayer will hold true as I read even if I have to grit my teeth in places, lol. This is so true: "And maybe not even "feeling strong and courageous", but doing what you KNOW is right!" It's along the lines of how in life we often have to do things because we have to regardless of whether we want to or not...because we know it's right.
Thanks again for your prayers and words of encouragement they are more appreciated than I could ever express or that you will ever know! Blessings, ND
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
TRW - Thank you, I sure hope so, lol! I'm still working it all out one tiny step at a time. In a way our posts are like journal entries too and I do hope that when I look back in a year my situation will be different. Stick around, lol, I will be, just don't know how long this will all take. Now if I could only LIVE the part about it all being in God's hands and not my own! Cheers and thanks again! ND
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Well, my husband is sleeping and I'm about to wake him up to watch the children while I run some errands. I placed the 4-page print outs of the excessive gamer screening tool on his keyboard - filled out "from your faithful wife's perspective and life with you as a gamer."
I guess we'll see how it goes from here.
ND
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
You are brave to want to start the conversation with him. I hope you get some results to help you move forward. They are never what we expect, are they? Prayers for you
HI THANKS FOR SHARING THIS HUGE PART OF YOUR LIFE FOR US. WELL STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. I TO HAVE FOUND MYSELF DOING THE SAME THING EXCEPT HERE IS THE TWIST. I AM THE ONE DOING THE HARM. MY FIANCE AND I HAVE BEEN CONSTANTLY ARGUING BECAUSE OF MY GAMEING HABITS. I HAVE ONLY BEEN A MEMBER FOR LESS THAN A HOUR AND ALREADY I FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE. MY ADVISE TO YOU IS HANG IN THERE. ASK HIM WHAT IS IMPORTANT. TO PRIORITIZE HIS LIFE.......YOU AND THE KIDS OR HIM AND A MACHINE WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. HOPEFULLY MY ADVISE HELPED. WHEN MY FIANCE/GIRLFRIEND ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION I IMMEDIATLY LOOKED FOR HELP AND HEY NOW I AM HERE. THANKS FOR READING
Welcome G101, I have so many questions for you, but they are not appropriate really. Main thing is to stay game-free and engaged with your family. Keep busy and get lots of support when you feel bad. Good to get help BEFORE you get married. Addiction is for life, so behavior modification now is very important. Get help separately and together. Serenity Prayer and stay in the moment
thanks for the quick reply and its ok go ahead and ask i am an open guy so dont feel that your questions might be inaproprite if you like writ me a private message and we can hopefully start a close friendship
How long have you gamed? What are your games? Have you tried to stop yet and for how long? How has gaming affected your life and your relationships and finally, do you want to stop?
WOW LOT OF QUESTIONS HAHA. OK HERE IT GOES ........ I STARTED PLAYING VIDEO GAMES EVER SINCE I REMEMBERED. I WAS PROB 3 YEARS OLD WHEN THE FIRST GAME CONTROLLER TOUCHED MY HANDS. ONE OF MY UNCLES OWN A GAMESTOP SO AS YOU CAN SEE THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF GAMES.IM 18 SO TECHNECILLAY COUNTING I HAVE BEEN PLAYING VIDEO GAMES FOR ABOUT 13 YEARS NON STOP I HAVE EVERY GAME SYSTEM IMAGINABLE. I HAVE GENISES, NINTENDO, PS1, 2,3 PSP, THE NINTENDO WII, DS, DSI, GAMECUBE (SOLD MY GAMECUBE SINCE THE WII HAS A GAMECUBE INSTALLED INSIDE THE HARDDRIVE), GAMEBOY, GAMEBOY POCKET, GAMEBOY COLOR, GAMEBOY ADVANCE, NINTENDO 64, DREAMCAST, YOU NAME IT. I STARTED NOTICING MY GAMING STARTED GETTING MORE OUT OF CONTROLL ONCE I STARTED WORKING FOR MY UNCLES GAMESTOP BECAUSE ABVIOUSLY IT WOULD BE ANY GAMERS HEAVEN. I TRIED TO STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR A WHILE. IT WORKED BUT I COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WOULD GIVE ME A RUSH LIKE VIDEO GAMES. OH LET ME GET BACK TO WAT VIDEO GAMES I HAVE, I HAVE BASICALLY EVERYGAME THAT HAS COME IN OR OUT OF GAMESTOP LOL. BUT PERFERABLY I LIKE FPS GAMES (First Person Shooters) LIKE "CALL OF DUTY WORLD AT WAR, MODERN WARFARE, MODERN WARFARE 2, ALL THE BATTLE FIELD GAMES, RESIDENT EVIL, KILLZONE, BUT I ALSO ENJOY RPG GAMES SUCH AS GOD OF WAR 1,2, AND 3, ONLINE FPS LIKE COMBAT ARMS. OK BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING I QUIT PLAYING FOR THE TIME I STARTED DATING MY NOW FIANCE. AFTER SHE MOVED IN I STRATED PLAYING GAMES AND LIKE ANY GAME ADDICT I TRIED TO GET HER INTO MY GAMING WORLD SO SHE COULD ENJOY IT AS MUCH. IT DIDNT WORK.
DONT GET ME WRONG SHE WILL SIT DOWN AND PLAY FOR 30 MINUTES 45 MINUTES OR SO BUT I JUST COULDNT TURN HER INTO A GAMER. I STOPED GAMEING FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS AND THEN 2 MONTHS. THEN THE WORST THING HAPPENED. AS I OPENED THE FIRST BOX OF NEW SHIPMENTS IN THE BACKROOM OF A GAMESTOP I SAW WAT I NEVER IMAGINED...............A BLACK BOX THAT SAID "PLAYSTATION 3" I STARTED GAMING ONLINE ALOT...........ALOT ALOT. FOR ABOUT 8 TO 11 HOURS A DAY. I EVEN PLAYED AT WORK. GAMING HAS EFFECTED MY LIFE LIKE ALCOHOL TO A DRUNK. GOOD THING IS I AM NOW MONITORING MY PLAY TIME FROM 11 I CUT DOWN TO 8. FROM 8 I CUT DOWN TO 6. AND NOW I AM PROUD TO SAY I ONLY GAME FOR ABOUT 4 HOURS. I WOULD BE LYING IF I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO STOP. HONESTLY I HAVE NEVER MET A GAMER WHOSE SAID "I AM GOING TO QUIT FOREVER" IVE HEARD "IM NOT GOING TO WASTE SO MUCH TIME GAMING ANYMORE AND MORE TIME TO MY RESPONSIBILITYS AND LOVED ONES" SO I WOULD SAY I FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY. WELL THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN AND WRITE BACK SOON.
Thanx for sharing. You should move this or start a new forum so as not to highjack this one. Just a thought. Anyway, I don't know anything about gaming, my husband is into the screen so bad he's lying to me about it and he doesn't even have to. I never said anything to him about gaming other than I thought he was addicted to it. No rules nothing. He changed his own behavior to cover himself from himself. My Mom and I have started a list of excuses. You see how it affects families when you read these posts. Get help to enjoy RL. Learn how to live outside in nature some. Start small, just a little somewhere close. Social situations and volunteering will help rewire your brain. Concern, support, understanding you will find here.
Update: Amazingly, so far, the outcome of leaving the pages on his keyboard has been mostly positive! I think I am still in a bit of shock, lol. I do not think his response would have been positive if we were to rewind to a few weeks ago before God started working in me. The funny thing is, I'd been praying (p-i-t) off and on throughout the day even before leaving the pages for him to read (before it even came to mind) and had butterflies/nerves about one thing I was praying about (not his gaming) and there was an additional sense of needing to pray~so I did. I couldn't totally put my finger on it all. I certainly didn't wake up planning on filling it out and giving it to him today but it was just something I felt prompted to do before I left. I had even scanned them in so I'd still have my answers somewhere on the off chance he'd get mad and tear them up.
3-29-10
He called and left me a voicemail to "call me when you get this" while I was out running some errands then spontaneous shopping for myself (for a change) and the children. When I called him back we talked a bit about dinner and then he told me he read what I left for him. I wasn't quite sure what to expect next and was a little nervous at first but eager to hear what he had to say. He then said he did a search "to see what kind of help was out there."
I was a little surprised when he told me he had read Tommy's story. I played a little dumb and asked him "Oh, the one I emailed you the other day?" and he said "yeah......I guess I didn't give it my full attention at the time." "I found your olga site you've been getting all these things from" (and I think he said he'd been reading some more on it). Whew, talk about a rush of varying emotions on that one! I did tell him that I didn't think I was quite ready for him to find/know about the site yet but it's ok (it's not about my timing anyway). I know if he reads my posts he'll immediately know which ones are mine, but that's ok...I think (ask me again tomorrow or the next day or a week from now, lol)!
He then said pretty sincerely, "I guess I have some work to do..." (pause).
When I arrived home from my errands I noticed he had been listening to one of his Christian music CD's and his Bible was open on the bed. I happened to see Psalm 23 (see later correction below) on one of the pages. I figured he had probably been reading it but I also found myself wondering whether he had purposefully left it that way for me to find (show) or for himself to come back to later if he had been interrupted. (It was new in 2009, he had picked it out and proudly bought it with Christmas money, had his name imprinted-so he doesn't like the children to touch it and it was within their reach).
Well, while writing this, I just saw his FB status from 4:15pm Monday afternoon, which was 18 minutes (lol) before he called me, was as follows: "Its 2010.... Where have I been the last 9 - 10 years? Lost apparently.... in several fictictious realities to the point that Im not even sure I know how to find myself anymore... Jesus? A little help here... House cleaning commences..."
Nice! Then Tuesday, he posted the following note on FB before the children and I woke up (i.e. on his own). "I got my bible this morning and asked God to show me what he wanted me to read, still with my eyes closed I opened the bible and the first thing that caught my eye was Psalms 25:"........"Unbelievable, it was without a doubt probably the most applicable thing I could possibly have read this morning." (I had seen Psalm 23 but in this instance God knew he needed to read Psalm 25 and he quoted it in his note. I hope it's ok, I've quoted it here because it will give a fuller picture of why he KNEW it was exactly what he needed to read! I removed the verse #'s for more fluid reading here and I added the bold: "Psalm 25 (New International Version) Of David.
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD. Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land. The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you. Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!"
I definitely give God all the credit due Him for everything He has done!!! I also know on a real life level, this is far from over, we're not even out of the woods yet. Part of me is really excited but a lot of me is still.......holding my breath...just in case...praying...remembering the worst but somehow believing and hoping for the best going forward! He will have to SHOW me the change. I must say, I have been disappointed that he's still been playing games during all this but I haven't really said much to him about it We really haven't spoken about all this since the phonecall on Monday. I am a realist and never really thought he would go "cold turkey" and I don't even know what he has in mind as far as quitting, etc. but I know that these things can take time and don't just happen overnight (except by God's grace), he's taken a while to get to this point.
I REALLY hope that he and his words are deeply sincere and real this time, once and for all! I am considering telling him about that pastor and his wife and about their offer to counsel with us...as a start...because they seemed pretty familiar with dealing with addiction-related things. I'm still seeking on this one though.
3-30-10 His Bible was back out on the bed today so I think he's been reading it again.
Well, please excuse any and all typos, I'm pretty tired and my daughter just woke up so I need to sign off for now.
Thank you so much for your ongoing prayers and support! I will post more updates as I'm able. Cheers!
"Thorns and thistles are the way we grow. A baby eagle won't leave the nest until its mother removes the feathered bed. Not until those sharp branches poke the little eaglet does it get motivated to grow to the next level." Patrick M Morley (from one of his books)
Gosh,
What a turn around. Has he really found God and is about to change his life?
I am lost for words,
OX
We need the 12 Traditions as much or more as we do the 12 Steps. X.