Hi everyone, I just found this site. Wondering if anyone can help. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. Our entire time together has been a financial struggle. We have both always worked full time, we've both made advancements in our career, yet bills have always been way out of control. Early on my husband started spending money on a computer we couldn't afford, game systems, games. Our cars get run into the ground because we never have money for repairs. We've fought about this so many times, as well as about the hours he spends gaming. I think I am finally at the end of my rope however...We are in the middle of filing for Bankruptcy. I have been attending all of the meetings with the lawyer, trying to fix things while he stays home with our two children so that we don't have to bring them out on a school night. (can't really afford a sitter) Last week he listed a few of his old systems on e-bay to help support the purchase of a new one) But in the mean time his car started having some major issues. He decided that he should take my car to work and let me drive his car since he has the longest commute. We still haven't exactly figured out how we are going to pull some money together to fix it, yet he still took his e-bay money and went to the store to buy his new system! When questioned about it- he said that it was what that money was meant for! My feeling is that if he can make some money selling this stuff he should be selling it to pay some bills---fix his car! not let me drive around in it. I feel SO undervalued and exhausted form this battle. Any suggestions please?
He needs counseling. Point blank. He's got an addiction that's ruining you guys and he doesn't seem to realize or care or he would stop!
"This is the end...." The Doors
Except he is unlikely to go even if it was pointed out to him. That means thinking about what you can do for yourself and kids. Do you have any other supports (family, friends) at ll around you? It might be time to turn to them for help. The stress of all of this leads to arguments/fights all the time. You may have to 'disengage' from fighting with him since it is exhausting you. I agree that he does not have his priorities straight--seems a problem with addicts. You don't say how old the kids are and what he does with them when he is home with them. If he is playing, he can't really be looking after them. I am not sure what else to say. My husband and I 'fought' over our daughter's gaming ( she is off the online games) . Neither he nor I play them but the whole thing has been a monumental stress on all of us. I sympathize with you especially since you are in this financial difficulties. How is he proposing that you get out of the hole you're in? Maybe ask him that.
Our kids are 6 and 9. He kind of goes through cycles as far as being involved with them. If I plan something for us away from the house he goes, or if I plan for him to take one of the kids somewhere he will. If I ask him to do something around the house he does it and he has become very helpful over the years with helping me out with laundry and cooking. I have a herniated disc, so there is a lot that I have had to rely on him for. but if he is left with any free time then gaming is what he is doing & he gets very irritable if the kids are acting up or being too loud, often yelling at them from his gaming location instead of actually getting up and going to deal with the issue. It is definitely worse in the winter when we are all cooped up in the house so much more. He had gotten into a late night pattern of gaming as well, but that seams to have receded some. I have suggested counseling. No luck. I have threatened leaving, but family is not local, so to do that I would need to leave my job and uproot the kids. I have a few friends here that I am very close to, They know of our financial difficulties, and I have told them quite a bit about my hubands gaming issue. One has suggested that I package up all of his stuff and sell it. He has quite a few systems and handhelds. I am afraid to do that. I have told him that he is going to start going to our appointments with the lawyer to sort out this hole bankruptcy thing, (maybe we can alternate on that) & I'm hoping to find the right time today to sit down with him about the expenses we have that won't be included in the bankruptcy as well as making a list of other things in our house that he could get going selling on e-bay. I thought maybe if I offer to sell some of my more sentimental items (antiques that have been passed down through my family) maybe he would be more willing to give up the electronics that are so precious to him.....
I'm awfully sorry to hear about your situation. Going through bankruptcy is difficult enough, without feeling like you and your husband are working at cross-purposes. Forgive me for being opinionated, but absolutely your husband should apply any money he makes from anything to your outstanding bills. To go and incur new expenses, especially for a pastime like gaming, in your financial situation, is irresponsible and dumb. It is also, IMO, a measure of exactly how addicted he really is. Anybody looking at the situation objectively would realize, instantly, that any money coming in had to be paid for necessities or to reduce debt. He must become involved in the legal process, he isn't your child or your ward. You should, at the very least, switch off visits to the attorney so that he is a full participant in the process. I don't know whether this is part of your process or not, but it is imperative that you make a budget now and stick to it. Cut up the credit cards. As you mentioned, start selling off stuff. Any game subscriptions, gaming magazine subscriptions, game systems... that all needs to be over with. It is like manicures or massages for you, of course you're not going out and doing that stuff ... this is not the time or the place. Anger and irritability at being interrupted while gaming, and withdrawal from the family, are both classic signs of gaming addiction. Sometimes people can pull themselves out of it if they're not "too far gone" already... other times it takes counselling and/or a 12-step program. We're here with the program part of it, and he is welcome to join in at any time. I am very sorry that you have to go through the dual pain of confronting your husband's gaming addiction, and your own financial situation. I am just really hoping that, as part of the bankruptcy process, your husband can come to the understanding that the two of you have to work as a team now. It sounds like he does care about his kids, and right now your family's well-being depends on it. Best of luck to you, Jane in CT
I feel for you. My son is the addict in our home, and I just have one thing to add to what Jane said. One thing I have learned is that I had to stop doing "something" in the hopes that he would change. If you agree to sell some of your keepsake items in the hopes that he will then be willing to sell some of his and then get away from the games, this won't happen. He may look as if that's what's going on, but it won't be real change, it will be either to please you on some level or more likely, to shut you up and get you off his back. You cannot change this person. You can only change yourself and your own situation. Trust me, the electronics are more important to him right now than even you and the kids or he would stop. He is addicted. I wish you peace and hope in your situation. It's a tough one. Take care of yourself and your kids and do what you can for you and them with the knowledge that he may never change and, if he does, it will be in his own time and because he decides to. He is probably very torn right now between love for the kids and love for his gaming lifestyle and that may be what reaches him, a desire to change his life because what he's doing is damaging his kids, both financially and emotionally. Best to you, please come back and chat. We will want to hear how it's going.
In my personal experience, and as the sole Widow who hangs around here still helping others, it should offer you some comfort to know you're not alone and things that family and friends have suggested isn't off base what I was given as advice before. It's hard, because you lose yourself in what his addiction has become and it makes it hard to know what to do when they don't want to help you or themselves. I wish I knew exactly what to say. I caution you to not do bargaining, we widows tend to end up with the short end of the stick and don't get to hold onto it long at that. I would see if he could have someone he respects talk to him. Church clergy, a close friend, anyone really try to talk sense into him?
"This is the end...." The Doors
Thank you all. I am thinking about all of this and trying to sort through it. I don't have much time to write now, but I will again in the next few days. I am so grateful for all of your thoughts and advice.