Game is wrecking a great marriage

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Fedup1980
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Game is wrecking a great marriage

My hubby and I have been married 6 years. Throughout most of our marriage he has had a problem with gaming addiction. It was really bad. But then he stopped. Things got back to normal. When xbox one came out he started playing again, but only like 30 min- an hour. His "friends" were not on xbox one so he got bored. Then a game he was wanting came out. For the past 2 weeks he has come home from work and got straight on the game. I never know when he goes to bed, prob around midnight-2am. He has sleep apnea real bad, and it is a nightmare waking him up in the morning. Staying up all night doesn't help. I feel bad even complaining about it because he has a very physically intensive job outdoors. Last week alone he worked over 60 hours. I'm a stay at home mom. I cook, clean, take care of bills, kids, pretty much everything. If it was just me he was neglecting I might would be ok with it. But it's the family. We have 2 kids. I have read a lot of posts here and am going to try to start doing stuff on my own, or with the kids alone without him. Maybe he will see what he is missing in the real world while he is preferring his virtual world. Just wanted some others advice, do I even have reason to be mad?? He makes the money, he pays for it. One child is young, 4, and the other has ADHD. They are always needing something constantly, and I've gotten beyond stressed. Sometimes I literally feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown (other issues too,won't get into that). Advice? Just tired of feeling like a single parent.

cyrik
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Let me

Let me guess...Destiny?

Firstly, if you just say 'whatever' and decide you're going to do stuff without him, he's going to view that as 'more free time.'

I live with my boyfriend (I'm a girl), we don't have kids together, but honestly I used to be the exact same way where I would just plug in the second I got home from a long day at work, and my game time kept getting longer and longer. At first it was to midnight, and then there were a few days where I would play video games all night then go to work tired, stay up for two days in a row, wear myself out during the week, and take full advantage of the weekend sleeping it off, then do it all over again.

It was pretty stupid.

It's stupid because people who play the video games that much think it will make themselves happy, but anyone who runs themselves ragged like that will only get depressed.

My boyfriend and I were able to work through it. We started slow, basically in the beginning we agreed on setting aside sundays for spending time with eachother. Watching movies together, eating dinner together, going to bed together and so on. I'll fully admit there were moments where I did feel anxious on sundays and just wanted to hop on the computer.

Then my boyfriend started coming home from work in the evenings with a new movie he wanted to watch--and this happened just about every day for a while.--I am not suggesting you go on a shopping spree to buy dvd's. But after the Sunday free day becomes routine, you may want to try saying "Oh, I've been wanting to go to do this or that with you me and the kids, maybe we can do this for an hour or two on tuesday and then you do what you want."

Basically, the idea is to sound like you're bargaining by saying "only a few hours today and the rest of the evening is your own time!" Any gamer would say that sounds like a good deal, because in their mind they think of it as "okay I just have to humor you for two hours and make you feel loved and the rest of the evening is mine, undisturbed with no one bothering me so I can game."

Let them think that, because really it's just you, unknowing to them, creating a habit little by little to NOT be online as much.

lonely_31
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Your situtation sound very

Your situtation sound very simliar to mine. I am 31, been married 7 years together 9, with 2 kids. My husband played Halo when we first met, but stopped to spend time with me. When we got married he became addicted to WOW, but promised he'd stop after we had a first child, which he did temporily. He would go back and forth between computer games and console games. He stops for short amounts of time, when I realy complain about it. (Maybe a month or so.) Of course he had to buy an XBOX One and is addicted to Destiny. He took half a day off today, and guess what... he's playing it!

My husband is like yours and has a stressful job and I'm a stay at home Mom. I take care of everything related to our home, minus making the money to financialy support us. So, I feel like I can't really complain about things too much. He does provide.... financialy.

You do have a reason to be mad and so do I! There is zero excuse for anyone to put a video game above their children and their spouse.

In our case it's affected our marriage greatly throughout the years. I even went to a psycholgoist attempting to figure out what to do. Here's the advice she gave me:

1. Don't enable him. Don't bring him drinks, food, ect. If he wants a drink, wants something to eat he can put down the controller and get it on his own.

2. Continue living your life. Take the kids to do stuff. Invite him along, however when he chooses the game instead, walk out.

3. Find a hobby that you can invest your time in. (Yes, it's hard to find time taking care of two kids!) I personally, went back to school to finish my Bachelor's. I am taking my final course right now!

4. Get a divorce. It's a sickness and if the person doesn't want to change... they won't.

I didn't get a divorce. However, I am unsatisfied with my marriage. If divorce wasn't so looked down upon in my family, and if I didn't have children I'd be so far gone. I am unsure what the next couple of years bring for us. Since I will have an AAS and a Bachelor's I would like to go back to work next fall. I think with the financial independence I might be more apt ot walk out.

5. If you are staying, attempt to set time limits on the gaming. Say you, understand that he needs to destress however, he also needs to spend X amount of time with the kids and X amount of time with you each day too. This works for us temporarily.

6. Actually write down the time he starts playing and the time he stops for a week. Then show them the amount of time they are spending on the game. He probably doesn't even realize how time consuming his addiction is. My husband has been shocked at times.

Still it's a sickness and unless he just doesn't play at all, he will always go through his "addiction cycles". :-(

I feel for you, me, and all others experiencing the same thing!

Polga
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Welcome to OLG-Anon Fedup

Welcome to OLG-Anon Fedup and Lonely

Thanks for sharing your stories. It's so sad that you are both missing the involvement of your spouses.

I agree that even though you have hard working husbands, that does not excuse neglect of the family which happens when gaming starts to take over.

I found it really helpful to read other peoples stories on this forum and how they cope. There are some sticky threads highlighted in the blue area of the spouses forum if you are short of time that expalin the main issues.

We learn on this website that we cannot control the gamer's addiction but we can control our own thinking and life choices. While they are under the influence of addiction, gamers become less empathetic and no amount of pleading, and guilting can make them change long term. Only they can take steps to make real lasting change when they realise they are in trouble with their habit. It's very hard fro them to change even if they want to.

If you are not ready or do not want to leave the relationship you can still take care of yourself and detach from the gamer's addiction so that you are not constant hung up on what they are doing and you can get peace and make a life with happiness and treats that do not depend on your husband not gaming. The spouse cannot control the gamers addiction; but they can recover from the misery of living in that situation if they are prepared to work on themselves.

A really great book that explains about detachment is "Co-dependant no more" by Melodie Beatie.

Detachment has given me peace from the worry about my son's addiction, which I cannot control.

All the best to you both xx

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

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Fedup1980
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Omg I hate Destiny!! That's

Omg I hate Destiny!! That's the one he's hooked on. Also had the halo addiction first.

Writing the times down that he spends on it is a great idea. I'm gonna start doing that. He didn't play tonight so maybe the stuff I was saying got through to him. I told him I was going to start taking the kids to do stuff with or without, whether it's bowling, skating or whatever. Just family time. Maybe he will realize if he wants to be a part of the family he needs to start acting like it.

Congrats on going back to school. That is great! I know if I got out and got some independence it would help. Staying home with 2 kids and no adult conversation really brings me down.

Thanks for your reply:) and good luck with school.

Lisa3333
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I think it's important to

I think it's important to determine whether your husbands are truly a gaming addict or whether they are just doing something they enjoy when they get home from work. As a gaming addict, I wouldn't have been able to stop or moderate and there were alot of consequences. When I read that someone's husband has been gaming every night for only a couple of weeks after working long days because a game they wanted to play was released but that they can not play if asked, it makes me wonder whether the issue is really a game addiction. In all marriages as time goes on, each person does their own thing at times. Example, if a husband gets involved in building some new cabinets or something they can easily spend all of their free time working on them for a few weeks. I think sometimes the issue in a marriage is as women we expect our spouses to be mind readers and we "want to spend time together" but we don't take the time to really figure out what that means and communicate it to our spouses. To expect my husband to want to spend time with me and get mad and say you aren't spending time with me, to him, he's like "what do you mean, I'm here aren't I? what do you want to do together?" I think to just get mad or tell him "you're always playing that game and not spending time with me" isn't going to work the same way it wouldn't work if what he was doing were projects around the house. What is it you want from him? What specifically do you want - if he wasn't playing the game, what, you want him to just sit on the couch in the living room and be there? I think it's better to figure out some specific family things to do on specific nights - like Wednesday nights could be family movie night, etc. If you do that and then he doesn't participate and games instead I think there is an issue but if there is nothing planned or communicated, I can see why he or anyone would figure out things to do with their time when they got home from work. Just trying to think how you might be able to determine if he's really addicted and maybe how to help figure out how to get him to do stuff with you and the family. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014

Fedup1980
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That makes a lot of sense

That makes a lot of sense Lisa, and I think you're right. I don't think it's addiction. We had a good talk last night. I think my main problem could be jealousy. He comes home from work and gets to De-stress and relax by doing something he enjoys and talking to other people online. Yet as a SAHM I am taking care of the kids 24/7. They are the only communication I have all day. So when he gets home I want some adult interaction. Even if it is just watching a tv show together. If I go anywhere I have the kids with me, but no where to go really. I live in the country about 20 miles outside of town. I shouldn't complain. I actually have it really good compared to stuff I have read here. I just go through these times where I resent him and his game. Tomorrow we are supposed to have a family day. I told him I was going to take the kids to do something and he could stay here and play or come with us and he said he wants to come with us. So we will see :) thanks for your advice :)

J

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Ok, thoughts on gaming as a

Ok, thoughts on gaming as a "hobby" or "stress relief" is this; substitute gaming for any other socially acceptable hobby and see if it makes sense. Example:

"My husband spends 35 hours a week gaming".

"My husband spends 35 hours a week hunting."

"My wife spends 35 hours a week working out at the gym."

"My wife spends 8-13 hours a day reading. She ignores the kids, doesn't clean the house, doesn't shower for days because she doesn't want to put down the book."

"My wife has joined the local quilting club. She used to go to a friend's to quilt 2 times a week, which was ok; now it is almost every night. And when she is not quilting, she is looking for fabric, talking about other people in her lame quilting club and how she is 'so lame' because she still hand quilts and not machine stitches. She has not asked me how my day has been in months".

My point is that anything done in excess or anything that disturbs/disrupts the natural functioning of the family is harmful. While 2 hours here and there might not be a big deal, for some families 2 hours every night IS a problem. What matters is that if one person in the relationship is feeling neglected, they have a right to feel what they feel and to communicate those feelings to their partner in a respecful way.

If your partner will not make a meaningful change, you cannot make him. You have to decide how you will choose to live your life with his decision in mind. Spouses of addicts spend way too much time on the wrong side of the equation. I am guilty as well. We cannot help or fix them. They just resent us. We have to look at our side of the "problem" and say "well, I can sit down and be miserable while he games, or I can do things I enjoy and build a healthy life anyway."

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One thing I want to mention

One thing I want to mention to the moms who don't feel they can say anything because their husband work and pay all the bills.

Yes, but you work 24/7 and raise the family, clean the house, cook, shop, and carpool service for doctors appointments and children's activities.

What if you hired someone to do all those chores for you like a chef, a nanny, a housekeeper etc. How much money do you think you would need to hire outsiders? A lot.

Please remember he brings home the money, but you work your butts off. It takes both parents to work hard to raise a family. You have every right to say something.

Some men don't come home and check out with hobbies. My son goes home after a rough day at work and instead of hobbies he does stuff with the kids. It's a choice. Like everything else.

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Thank you Patria!! They are

Thank you Patria!!

They are his kids too. Jeez.

I don't want to bash men, because I really do love men. I even love my own lame gamer, somewhere deep down I think. But I think of how hard it is, as a full time working outside the house woman, of how WONDERFUL it would be to just get up in the morning and GO to work knowing my kids were safe and loved by the other parent. Their breakfasts, lunches, would be made. My home would be clean, laundry done. All I would have to do is go.to.work. Ahhh. Just go to work! I bet you ladies even cook dinner right?? (tear ;') lol ) Homework is probably getting done. These men just have to walk in and show some appreciation and maybe help once in awhile. So sad.

It's ok ladies. I understand. Truly, I do. But speak your mind. You have EVERY right. You are hard working. You are making his life REALLY nice. I would LOVE to come home to that level of comfort. He needs to be reminded of that. I come home to a home that looks like it has been ransacked every day LOL!!

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Kinda late here, but I

Kinda late here, but I wanted to add.. excluding from activities may not be the best thing. For me (gaming addict.. recovering), whenever my family would do things without me it just made me feel left out and more drawn to the game. Kinda like.. "they can do their thing without me, fine. I'll keep doing mine". It felt like they were against me and the game was on my side. So it could potentially backfire.

Like Lisa pointed out, it may not be addiction. And in the past, I would choose gaming over a lot of other things, no matter how important they seemed to everyone (including me).

Just my $0.02

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Hi CrackedPixel Thank you

Hi CrackedPixel

Thank you for sharing your own experiences about how you felt.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the gaming loved one is excluded or should be excluded on purpose from any activity the family does.

They all want their gamer to join in other activities with them but are starting to accept that if the gamer can't/won't then there is very little they can do except look after themselves and make a life without the gamer participating.

I don't think any of us can know if this particular case is addiction or not. From my own situation, it's not important to know one way or the other. I just see the negative effects of what gaming and screen time have done and that is enough to know that something is very wrong.

I would encourage any spouse/parent to trust their instincts and feelings. Living with a person with problems can lead to co-dependant behaviour. Co-dependants look for ways to ignore their feelings and make excuses for the addict or affected person. If we self-analyse we can start to see our co-dependancy and make changes that will evetually make us happier people who can give self-care.

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Patria
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If people in my life had

If people in my life had gone kayaking without me--something I once loved to do before I got addicted to games, I might have turned the computer off and joined them. At least in the early stages of gaming addiction, but not in the later stages. Addiction means "no choice". In the early days I could have chosen to do other things. I wish I had created better choices for me. Unfortunately I went to the bitter end of addiction with no choice.

Definitely tell your husband how you feel. Not by nagging, but tell the truth if he tries to lie about what he's doing. Or when justifies living his entire non-work time stuck in a game.

My husband didn't nag at me to stop, but he told me reality and consequences and didn't put up with my excuses. I didn't want to moderate but he insisted. And it was when I desperately tried to moderate I discovered reality,that I couldn't.

You have to take charge of your life, take care of you and the kids, but don't support his excuses or allow him to be a stay at home dead-beat dad. I honestly wanted my husband to pretend for me, but he got hardcore tough love, he didn't nag but he simply told me the cold truth.

It got my attention. I got mad at him. How dare he control my fun. I worked full time and he was retired. I brought home the money. Why cant he leave me alone. However, I started to listen to him and tried to quit or moderate, which proved to me that I was 100% addicted and didn't know it. But I found out I was and couldn't hide it anymore including from myself.

Addiction is no joke. It's not excessive gaming even though it can be. What it is is an obsession of the mind that surplants all other thoughts including the basic desires of eating, sleeping, sex, and community.

It's been three years game free for me and am I ever grateful my husband didn't give up telling me the truth.

Eileen45
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I found this site while

I found this site while researching the effects of playing video games, in particular, Destiny. We have been married almost 45 years. My husband has always been a gamer since computers came out. He has dealt with them in moderation for the most part. However, this latest one seems to have changed who he is. He has come to realize that he may have an addiction, but the gaming is not so much my problem as what I see it doing to him. He has become very short, irritable and agitated. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him and I am very stressed out. Just in the normal day-to-day living, no matter what I say, I will get a very short abrupt answer back. Has anyone else had this issue? If so, how are you handling it?

Mothball
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I'm surprised I don't hear

I'm surprised I don't hear more people discussing the 'party chat' aspect to Destiny- especially those of us with spouses who use it to play with not only their friends, but also those of the opposite sex in the middle of the night. That is currently my issue. Destiny and party chat has created a space for my spouse to be the 'hero' for other women yet, has seemingly forgotten about his REAL spouse. Virtual flirting type of addiction if ya ask me...along with the game.

I mean- besides the time consumed gaming, has anyone here noticed a change in the gaming behavior when a member of the opposite sex joins their game/team? Do they suddenly become more animated, more whispering, more private, more leud?

Because as much as basic gaming may be an escape from reality for a lot of gamers- I think Destiny (mmo and party chat) (at least for my spouse) has created almost a lust for attention from the female gamers...so that he can be their virtual hero, and get their admiration, adoration and attention- ego boosting.

Because it seems as though I am merely a blip on his radar all day...but when the lights go out and I go to bed- and he gets on Destiny with his friends and unknown females with his headset and partychat- he becomes super animated, shady and secretive.

Have any of you experienced THIS aspect of gaming?

Alonewith2
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My husband is addicted to

My husband is addicted to probably a number of things - I have no idea what he does on his technological devices all day and all night. I have 2 children and we as a family are severely neglected.

It has been 4 months since I joined this site now and I am doing much better. This is what has worked for me:

1. I went on an anti depressant - by the time I realised what was being stolen from us, I was severely depressed and it would have been hard to concentrate and do the things I needed - I was just coping through the days. The anti depressant just helped me to cope.

2. I detached from my husband. I learnt not to expect anything and that I could not control him. This meant his choices did not hurt me as much as they had before.

3. I took a holiday with just me and the kids which helped me recharge and allowed me to think about boundaries and how I could cope.

4. I focused on God - started reading the Bible more and turned things over to him (the 12 steps do tell you to find a higher pwoer - I was already a Christian, so this made sense to me)

5. I made more friends, joined other groups, started AlAnon and joined the spouses group (our AA here is for all addictions even though it started as AA)

6. I took my children with me wherever I went - I know this is hard with young children and mine are homeschooled too which means there is no time when they are not with me, but I discovered that I could take them to the AlAnon meetings and leave them watching DVDs in a separate room, I could take them to my friends and they are able to play together well. They have also learnt to give me some space and I have a quiet time where everyone is in their rooms for about 40min in the middle of the day.

7. When I go to work and the children are with someone else then I hand that over to God too since I cannot control it. I put in as much safety and set rules, but then I have to cease worrying and concentrate on my job.

My husband is now living in a separate bedroom. He seems to be watching TV more, so maybe he is trying to stop gaming - or he is gaming with the TV on (I do not know). There is no marriage left and we do not communicate, but we no longer fight. I feel far more self sufficient and far less unhappy. I know I will have to make decisions at some point, but I want to heal myself first and then see. It has been 8 years of marriage and the addiction has been present probably almost all of it though worse at some times than others.

Alonewith2
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My husband is addicted to

My husband is addicted to probably a number of things - I have no idea what he does on his technological devices all day and all night. I have 2 children and we as a family are severely neglected.

It has been 4 months since I joined this site now and I am doing much better. This is what has worked for me:

1. I went on an anti depressant - by the time I realised what was being stolen from us, I was severely depressed and it would have been hard to concentrate and do the things I needed - I was just coping through the days. The anti depressant just helped me to cope.

2. I detached from my husband. I learnt not to expect anything and that I could not control him. This meant his choices did not hurt me as much as they had before.

3. I took a holiday with just me and the kids which helped me recharge and allowed me to think about boundaries and how I could cope.

4. I focused on God - started reading the Bible more and turned things over to him (the 12 steps do tell you to find a higher pwoer - I was already a Christian, so this made sense to me)

5. I made more friends, joined other groups, started AlAnon and joined the spouses group (our AA here is for all addictions even though it started as AA)

6. I took my children with me wherever I went - I know this is hard with young children and mine are homeschooled too which means there is no time when they are not with me, but I discovered that I could take them to the AlAnon meetings and leave them watching DVDs in a separate room, I could take them to my friends and they are able to play together well. They have also learnt to give me some space and I have a quiet time where everyone is in their rooms for about 40min in the middle of the day.

7. When I go to work and the children are with someone else then I hand that over to God too since I cannot control it. I put in as much safety and set rules, but then I have to cease worrying and concentrate on my job.

My husband is now living in a separate bedroom. He seems to be watching TV more, so maybe he is trying to stop gaming - or he is gaming with the TV on (I do not know). There is no marriage left and we do not communicate, but we no longer fight. I feel far more self sufficient and far less unhappy. I know I will have to make decisions at some point, but I want to heal myself first and then see. It has been 8 years of marriage and the addiction has been present probably almost all of it though worse at some times than others.

Mothball
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Sorry to hear your story

Sorry to hear your story AloneWith2...but this is a wonderful place to share what you are going through--as we all have quite a lot in common and can learn from eachother:) Has he ever opened up to you and exposed any inner turmoil or struggle hes going through for why he secludes himself with gamin?? Do you suspect he has any other significant female he share's with? When he games, does he do online chatting?

Alonewith2
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There is definitely a

There is definitely a problem, but my husband is hiding something and will not even tell me. He is exceptionally secretive, only jokes when asked a personal question and is essentially socially isolated in most ways - many people cannot believe what I live with and keep making the same suggestions which do not work - mainly to communicate with him - but he is trying not to communicate - it seems to threaten him. He can handle no conflict at all and would rather walk away than state any opinion.

I highly doubt he is sharing with females - certainly not face to face though he could easily be on line. I have wondered if he is gay based on some comments he has made, but he denies it outright.

I don't think though that knowing these things or constantly trying to figure this out will help. I know he is hiding something and unless I hired a private detective I probably could never find out and he may lie to his grave. My job right now is to look after myself - make sure I am not hiding things from myself, make sure that I can live the way I should be living and have peace with it. There is a deep anger and hurt in me about my husband and it keeps coming up no matter how I try to keep it under control - even when he is absent and I waste a lot of my time thinking about him and what is wrong with him and why and it is not helpful. In general when I concentrate on what I can do and what I am doing then things go better.

Mothball - what is your situation and what has helped you?

Alonewith2
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There is definitely a

There is definitely a problem, but my husband is hiding something and will not even tell me. He is exceptionally secretive, only jokes when asked a personal question and is essentially socially isolated in most ways - many people cannot believe what I live with and keep making the same suggestions which do not work - mainly to communicate with him - but he is trying not to communicate - it seems to threaten him. He can handle no conflict at all and would rather walk away than state any opinion.

I highly doubt he is sharing with females - certainly not face to face though he could easily be on line. I have wondered if he is gay based on some comments he has made, but he denies it outright.

I don't think though that knowing these things or constantly trying to figure this out will help. I know he is hiding something and unless I hired a private detective I probably could never find out and he may lie to his grave. My job right now is to look after myself - make sure I am not hiding things from myself, make sure that I can live the way I should be living and have peace with it. There is a deep anger and hurt in me about my husband and it keeps coming up no matter how I try to keep it under control - even when he is absent and I waste a lot of my time thinking about him and what is wrong with him and why and it is not helpful. In general when I concentrate on what I can do and what I am doing then things go better.

Mothball - what is your situation and what has helped you?

Mothball
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AloneWith2- your situation

AloneWith2- your situation acutally sounds a lot like a friend of mine. Married for 14 years and that man could live in a cave by himself with no human interaction and be ok. He has obvious issues but has been oppositionally resistant to change. And my friend is like the female version of Dr.Phil and hasn't been able to break his code. So their marriage will most likely be ending sooner than later. But she is fortunate in her situation, in that her children are almost adults and won't necessarily have to deal with the younger children heartbreak aspect to it.

So, the thoughts I have been giving her for years has been to do what you are literally doing. Building yourself and your life up in all the ways you can think of. Is a divorce something you would rather not do? If that's the case- hang in there and keep praying.

My situation is relatively simple compared with yours. My husband has always been a gamer. But recently, he has begun to use the online chat with headphones in his current game and it has opened up a whole new level of mistrust. His level of dedication has definatley risen since playing Destiny. This game started out with him playing mainly with a friend, then with online chat, and now includes lots of unknown people. He plays all throughout the night. When I ask him questions concerning this game and all, he is defensive. So, my situation is with my husband online chatting with unknown girls throughout the night. A dangerous situation to say the least. I mean, I don't even care anymore the length of time he plays or that he generally schedules our things around his Destiny. Those things seem moot to what the social online chatting aspect of it might be doing to our marriage.

Alonewith2
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Last seen: 8 years 7 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 10/16/2014 - 3:39pm
I am sorry you are going

I am sorry you are going through that - the fact that he is defensive shows that he probably does know what he is doing is not healthy (although he probably won't admit it). If your husband is online all night then even if he does nothing with the girls and does not talk to them he will still be harming himself and therefore your marriage. I hope he will wake up before it is too late. I know what you mean by mistrust - I no longer trust my husband in anything. I have ideas about what may be true, but I don't even know that - and I suspect he lies about almost everything when he bothers to talk at all.

I am not ready to divorce. At least while I sort myself out I will not consider that an option. However I have spoken to people I do trust and know when I will reevaluate again, but for now it is not an option - I have other things to do before I think again about it. My children need a sense of secuirty that they did not have last year when I was really thinking hard about it - there was too much chaos. Now that I am more peaceful and my husband and I are really not talking they have actually grown a lot happier, play more nicely with each other and seem a lot more secure even though they see their Dad so very very seldom. And when they are with him they just watch TV unless he takes them out - since I am not sure what happens then, I cannot say, but I suspect they go off and play somewhere while he sits playing on his cellphone (based on what happens when I have been out with him and the children) - he takes them to safe enough places for this to be sort of ok and they are older now and can help themselves to food and drink and play together with less supervision which makes things a little easier and less stressful for me.

Alonewith2
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 7 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 10/16/2014 - 3:39pm
I am sorry you are going

I am sorry you are going through that - the fact that he is defensive shows that he probably does know what he is doing is not healthy (although he probably won't admit it). If your husband is online all night then even if he does nothing with the girls and does not talk to them he will still be harming himself and therefore your marriage. I hope he will wake up before it is too late. I know what you mean by mistrust - I no longer trust my husband in anything. I have ideas about what may be true, but I don't even know that - and I suspect he lies about almost everything when he bothers to talk at all.

I am not ready to divorce. At least while I sort myself out I will not consider that an option. However I have spoken to people I do trust and know when I will reevaluate again, but for now it is not an option - I have other things to do before I think again about it. My children need a sense of secuirty that they did not have last year when I was really thinking hard about it - there was too much chaos. Now that I am more peaceful and my husband and I are really not talking they have actually grown a lot happier, play more nicely with each other and seem a lot more secure even though they see their Dad so very very seldom. And when they are with him they just watch TV unless he takes them out - since I am not sure what happens then, I cannot say, but I suspect they go off and play somewhere while he sits playing on his cellphone (based on what happens when I have been out with him and the children) - he takes them to safe enough places for this to be sort of ok and they are older now and can help themselves to food and drink and play together with less supervision which makes things a little easier and less stressful for me.

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