He Plays Shattered Hands Realm, I am Just Shattered

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darkpumpkin
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He Plays Shattered Hands Realm, I am Just Shattered

I am so happy to have found this place. My fiancee tells me all the time how I need to find friends and other poeple to emotionally support me. The very reason I need such people is because he has decided to re-dedicate his life to WoW. The irony is certainly not lost on me.
When I first met him, he was an avid WoW player. He would play until his eyes were bloodshot and he would drink one Pepsi after another to help him stay awake and focused. He expected me to just sit there and watch him attempt to level up. When I expressed my frustrations he told me, "This game is my life. Not you. This is what I choose to do with my life and you aren't going to make me change that. And you are going to have to accept that." Well I didn't. I broke up with him, refused to take phone calls and tried to move on with my life.
He told me he was just trying to push me away because so many people in his life had hurt him. He stopped playing WoW as a show of his commitment to me. The thing is I never cared if he played WoW, it just bothered me when it began to interfere with other areas of his life. Our life.
October was the month were we went through one tribulation after another. I was forced to deliver our daughter at 34 weeks because I developed severe preclampsia. She was only 2.7 pounds at birth. The same night I had her, my father was rushed to the ER because a tumor was rupturing. He was in the end stages of terminal cancer. At two days old, doctors discovered our daughter had volvulus, which is kinking of the colon. She was slated to have surgery at the same time my father was being moved into a hospice. I had a no win choice to make. Stay with my daughter or spend some of the last moments with my father? I went to be with my father while my fiancee stayed with our daughter. He passed away when she was only 4 days old, living up to his promise to hang on for her birth. Our daughter was also moved to Children's Hospital, where she would spend the next three months, due in part to needing a temporary ostomy and having to have a central line in place.
Because of all this stress, he needed something to escape to. He began casually playing WoW again. On weekends, he opted to stay in and play instead of going to see her. I tried to believe him when he said it was too hard to see her in the hospital, but deep down I knew the game was taking him over again.
He received Lich King for Christmas and told me he was only going to play long enough to reach level 80. Well, he's reached it long ago. Again, I said that I don't mind that he plays. However, it's like ivy growing and taking over every part of our lives. He actually gave me a schedule of when he could fit time in to spend with me. Wednesday and Friday he has to raid for at least 4-6 hours. Everyday but Sunday and Tuesday does he have a little time for myself and our daughter. And let's not forget that he often chooses to do Wintergrasp as well.
Our daughter is far from being out of the woods. She got an infection in her central line and had to go back to the hospital. She was discharged yesterday. He didn't bother answering the phone so I could ask him to please have a bottle ready for her when I got home. He was too busy playing. He spent a few moments with her and then spent the rest of the night on a headset, ignoring the both of us.
With all the medication my daughter now has to be on, I will get a total of about three hours of sleep. He told me he didn't really care how much sleep I got. He says he works all day and he has every right to unwind and get away from me to play. The reason I am so miserable is because he always makes his game a priority over his family.
He caught me typing this and told me all I was doing was lying. Then he browsed through the forums and decided he had a complusive personality. However, instead of saying he would work on things, he instead lashed out on me and said it's my fault because I have no friends. I have pushed everyone away he says. He asks if I would rather have him go out to bars and drink and party. Someone on here said they feel like a lonely roommate and that is how I am starting to feel as well.
Today he slept in because he stayed up playing. He chose not to go into work. He says he chose not to go in so he could help me with the baby. The truth is, he just didn't want to go. There is a game I play called Animal Crossing: City Folk. I log on long enough to check my mail, visit the store and water some flowers. At the most I spend twenty minutes online. He started yelling at me saying how I was the one with the problem. He accused me of neglecting my daughter when it's him and not me who does this.
My heart is just so heavy. I haven't been able to express my feelings because he always shuts me up, tells me I need to grow up or just to get over it. Between the grief I feel with dealing with my dad and everything going on with my daughter, I fear I may have a breakdown. The incredibly sad thing is that he just doesn't care. He's going to end up losing her and I both and I think even then it won't phase him.

sladdiction
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Darkpumpkin, My heart goes

Darkpumpkin, My heart goes out to you and your family. Your story IS extremely sad, and I feel for you greatly. Much of what your financee has said is straight out of books on what addictive people say: Blaming you instead of himself, claiming its better than going to bars, etc. Showing him this site is a good first step. Also, you looking here for support is a good step as well. You need to think of your child first (of course), AND yourself as well. Please do look out for yourself and know you are not alone. There are many very supportive people on this site. I hope you can find support in the Real World as well. Every addict has to make his or her own decision to stop playing. Usually, the addict will reach a low point before turning around. Everyone's personal low is different. Keep trying and please keep looking for support here. :grouphug:

Addicted to SL

darkpumpkin
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Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind response. I decided to take my daughter and go to my mother's yesterday because I believe he never wants to change. He said some very hurtful things to me like telling me I manipulate the truth in order to get people to feel sorry for me and do what I want. All I wanted was for us to be a happy family. I just wanted him to be able to better manage his time between his family and his game. He didn't go into work at all yesterday. Today my mother had to stop at my apartment and pick up some batteries I had forgotten for the baby's medical pump and he was back in the bedroom sleeping. There is no way he will go in and work the afternoon shift because there is some huge guild raid he has to do on Fridays. He says I just obsess over money. He tells me all the time if I am so worry about money I need to get a job. Right now, I have to basically care for my daughter 24/7 with all of her medical requirements. As soon as she is stable, I have no reason not to go back to school and finish out my doctorate. Right now, it's just not practical. Yes, I do worry about our fiances and I stick to a pretty tight budget. I clip coupons and I never buy anything at retail. I sell a lot of things on Ebay. I gave up a Blockbuster account because he doesn't like the movies I pick. That freed up money for his WoW account. Losing two days worth of pay is going to impact us. I don't think this even bothers him at all, why would it when he can just escape back into his game? He's not even upset that we left. He even offered to help me pack. He told me he doesn't care if it is over and I can get out of his life. He hid my debit card so I have about $13 in cash on me and my credit cards. He says I am the one that needs help. I agree with this statement. I've seen a therapist and a psychiatrist and I have found support groups such as this one. I've been struggling to get my medications covered because my insurance requires an enormous copay and I have had no luck with any assistance programs. He really doesn't think his gaming is affecting anything. He thinks all of this could be solved if I had friends. I do have friends. It's just very hard being able to physically connect with them when I have a child to take care of. I email them and Facebook them. There is no way I can meet new people because I rarely can get out. I don't need friends. I just need the person I love to start acting like he loves me more than a game. When he plays, he tunes me out and won't listen. It's so disrespectful and hurtful. When her nurse was trying to show me how to hook up her antibiotics, he asked if I could get him some pretzels and a drink so he could keep playing. I normally don't mind getting him anything but it was a bit embarrassing. I love him. I truly do love him. But I can't compete with a video game and I don't think I should have to.

Xandtar
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You need to go to your bank

You need to go to your bank today and close that account. You should strongly consider going to see an attorney as soon as possible, you have certain rights and he has certain obligations to your daughter. Good luck to you. :|

Leveling in Real Life

darkpumpkin
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It's horrible making someone

It's horrible making someone feel like they have to give something up that they enjoy in order to be with you. I don't want him to give it up at all, I just want him to spend more time with his family. It's so heartbreaking to fix dinner and then have him either gobble it down in 5 minutes or ask for me to sit beside him at the computer. He reasons we are at least still eating together. The truth is, we really aren't because he is too busy running around killing things. He wonders why I don't even like to make dinner. What's the point? He told me yesterday he doesn't care if my feelings are hurt because he told me how this gaming schedule was going to be. At Christmas time, he wanted to see if my mother would loan him $1000 for a computer upgrade. One of the games he bought wouldn't work on his system. I hated to ask her but I wanted him to be happy. He rarely buys anything for himself, but we could have used the money towards other things. Of course, if I say anything, I am berated, belittled or ignored. The best she could do was $300. If I would have told him I wanted a loan for something so unnecessary he would have thrown an absolute fit. I have some money in a Paypal account that I am saving to pay my mother back with.

darkpumpkin
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I suppose this is my fault.

I suppose this is my fault. When he told me from the beginning that gaming was what he did and he wasn't going to change it, I should have just left him to his gaming. Instead, I wanted to believe I could be worth more than a stupid game when the truth of the matter is I am not. He told me tonight he isn't going to stop playing, he still doesn't care if my feelings get hurt and if I have a problem with this, then I can leave for good. He told me he doesn't enjoy spending lots of time with me. Do you know how much that hurts? He would rather spend hours with people he doesn't even know doing then with me. He doesn't like watching tv or anything else I might ask him to do. Of course, he says its my fault because when he does ask if I want to do something, I say no. I say it to avoid an argument because I know he won't want to do anything I ask. So why even bother? Instead of being mature and rational he instead got angry and wouldn't talk to me anymore when I asked him if staying with him meant that my feelings won't matter, that the game will come first and if I get an hour a day I should be lucky. I asked him if it would even bother him if we weren't together anymore. He said he wasn't going to talk to me anymore for the night and left me to fend off the tears I felt forming.

gsingjane
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Good morning

Good morning Dark, (((Hugs))) to you. What an awful situation you've described, and so sad. Please, please do NOT blame yourself for any of your fiancee's comments or behavior. It sounds as if he's tried very hard, and to some extent succeeded, in making you feel that you are to blame for his addiction. As Dawn said, above, addicts are good at that. They're good at psychologically manipulating the people around them to enable themselves to play. You have enough trouble and grief right now, enough important stuff to worry about, than to waste time and energy thinking that any of your fiancee's comments are true. Looking at it objectively, anybody who chooses to game over spending time with loved ones during critical medical emergencies... has a problem. Whether the "reason" for the problem is that "you don't have any friends" or "you're too dependent on me" or "you don't have a job" or "you don't pick movies I like" or whatever, the fact is that he chooses to game instead of being there during a crisis. And, he consistently chooses to spend time with his game instead of you, going so far as to make a schedule to tell you when he'll deign to actually get off the screen. Don't beat yourself up over the fact that he told you at the get-go gaming was going to come first. Most of us who love addicts did not realize how addicting this stuff can be. And, it is not uncommon for a woman to feel she can change a man for the better, or to feel that things will be different once there is a marriage or a child. Now you know, maybe you couldn't have back then. I am sure you realize from looking at this board that there isn't much, if anything, you can do to "convince" your fiancee that he is a gaming addict. An addict has to hear that wake-up call and know he needs to act on it, by himself. Nobody really knows what triggers that call, but we do know that it has to come from inside. For some people, it never comes at all. Nobody here can tell you whether to try and salvage this relationship, or whether there is really even anything here worth saving. From the outside and from only one perspective, it sounds as if your fiancee relates to you in an abusive and cruel way. It doesn't sound to me like it would be all that great for your daughter to grow up in this atmosphere, but again, this is strictly from the outside. It certainly is scary to think that your fiancee is playing around with his job, at a time when people are getting laid off and fired right and left. If it were me, I'd be making plans, at least initial ones, to figure out how to move on. There may come a time when he makes that decision, also: and it sounds like things are moving quickly in that direction. Surround yourself with real-life support and, of course, put your daughter first. That's one decision you'll never regret. Hugs sweetie, Jane in CT

Xandtar
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I agree. You have no

I agree. You have no obligation to feel guilty here. You are the one engaging with life, with your child, with the world around you. You are the one who wants him to join you in real life. He has told you that that's not what he wants and he no longer cares what you think. He's calling your bluff, you now have to decide what's best for you and your child in a world where he doesn't want you in his life. What's the saying? Oh yeah, its time to fish, or cut bait. Again, I recommend you see a legal professional to ascertain exactly what your options are, and seek out friends where you live to give you their perspective, our view from halfway around the world is a little one-sided.

Leveling in Real Life

Delirium
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Dark, My heart breaks

Dark, My heart breaks hearing your story. I'm an addict but the birth of my son was the thing that finally broke my addiction. He's three months old now and I can't imagine not spending any free time I have with him. I work all day, travel a lot. My wife works as well. I guess I want to make sure I'm a better father than mine was to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my father but he was an alcoholic. Not abusive or a 24 hour a day drunk. He was successful in both careers he was doing, well educated and doing very well financially. However he was an alcholic which did mean that from time to time I was just an 'accessory' to his life. For me, the best thing my mother did was divorce my father. My step father is the one I want to emulate as a father. Sure, I hated him while growing up but he treated me well and took an interest in my life and what kind of person I would become. I'm sure your daughter is as cute as a button so I know she would be hard to resist just like my son is. His 'excuses' are just that. If he truly cared he wouldn't retreat behind a game. He would stand up like a man and not run away like a child. I have stress everyday...everyone does. My wife and I both work in industries ravaged by the economy (no, not real estate or car sales) but happen to be with firms that are holding strong so far while others crumble. We have a 3 month old, day care, health care...etc. I've cleaned out my closets and garage on craiglist of stuff I don't use anymore. We clip coupons. We take out stress and direct our efforts to better our lives with that stress. Life without stress isn't life. What really jumped out at me was your boyfriends statement "Gaming is my life..." To me, despite everything else, he has stated clearly his priorities and his actions have shown that to be true. It's not like some (like me) who didn't game going into our relationships but it happened during them. Do NOT beat yourself up on 'causing' his addiction or making it worse. He has indicated his addiction and his priorities. In my opinion, someone that clear on the subject gives you no direction to go but out. I hate to say it, I see no other healthy way for you or your daughter. Retreating into a game isn't "stress relief" just like getting drunk or getting high isn't stress relief. it is a 'stress avoidance' because simple truth is if you don't face the stress, it will not go away and will only increase. Gaming like other addictions is just a childish way to avoid adult life and adult stresses. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders if you are close to finishing your doctoral work. You may want to start that back up again, even if it's just one class a semester. Maybe find a prof willing to work with you and your parental needs to help with your thesis. I would start making some initial plans for moving on. Even if you don't have to use them, get them in place. His action of taking your debit card away to me shows just how childish he is and will try to keep you there by financial requirements. Even if you aren't married and you seperate he will still be required to provide financial support to his daughter. Additionally, some states you may already be considered married by common law due to cohabitation for certain lengths of time. If that is the case, it's also easy to make a case for alimony to help you get back on your feet again. I wish you and your daughter the very best! Slade

-Slade
"Falling down is not a failure. Not getting back up is the true failure"

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