How do I cope?

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missmyfamily
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How do I cope?

There are no words that can express how relieved I am to find a website for someone like me. I love my husband w/ all my heart and soul but have come second to that stupid game of World of Warcraft for years. As a result, I stay mad and resentful on the inside and play as if nothing is wrong on the outside. Our son doesn't get the quality "Daddy" time that he so deserves and my husband, no matter what I say, is completely oblivious to the damage his gaming is causing our family. He gets on the game the second he walks in the door in the evening...is on there until way after I go to bed....all day on every day he has off from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed. It feels as if the "guild" is his love, passion and family, and our son and I are just other people living in the house w/ him. I feel that at this point, the only way to get through to him would be to leave...but I don't think walking away is a good solution and I truly do not have the $$$ to do so...plus, I don't want to...I love my little family and my husband. Sorry to ramble, I am just so relieved to find others who are in the same boat as me.

John of the Roses
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Welcome to Olganon.org.  We

Welcome to Olganon.org. We have been a community for over seven years welcoming people just likeyou into our Fellowship. Be feel welcome and continue to update us on how things are going.

Other "Anons" will be chiming in to greet you, but please be patient. How familiar your short story sounds! We are here for you.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

Thracius
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it's probably going to be

it's probably going to be hard for him to accept that he has a problem and not fall back into this habit

I think you can help him cut down on his time, the guild itself is the most dangerous thing in the whole problem, the guildmates aren't really his friends, it just seems like it

the guild is like a drinking buddy that never leaves you alone, scheduled play is pretty bad too, because before the actual time to play with the guild comes there needs to be some preparation time etc. so the game starts consuming a lot of his time

I still play video games, but not multiplayer games, they're pretty pointless

single player games are less dangerous, because you play through the story 1, 2, 3, 4 times with different characters, it starts to get really boring later on so you drop it

I don't have experience with such things, having said that, I think you should tell him that you miss his attention and that your child needs it too

don't start off telling him he has a problem, that will only antagonize him, save that for a last resort, same as therapy

If you play video games, turn them off once in a while and rejoin life. Some of us here like you, don't ask me why.

gsingjane
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Welcome to OLGA.  You are

Welcome to OLGA. You are right that there are many people here who have walked in your shoes. We accept the reality of gaming addiction - we see firsthand the damage it does in our own families - and we try to offer our experience, strength and hope, not only to the addict but to those, such as yourself, who suffer due to the addiction.

It is a good idea for you to educate yourself, first, on the basics of addiction. Any addiction is relevant, because at root they are all the same. Your husband's "drug of choice" happens to be gaming, but it could be drugs, alcohol, nicotine, food... So anything that you read, really, about addictions will be helpful to you. We offer a lot of information on our site, but you can also check out other websites, "anon" meetings, library books and other sources of information on addiction.

Another thing that's useful to learn about, as Thracius alluded to, are the specifics of your husband's game. WoW is a game that requires ever-increasing levels of participation and commitment from its players. Your husband is literally required to be present at certain times, to do certain things... in a way, being a high-level player in a game like WoW is much like a job. And, the social and emotional consequences of not "showing up for work" can be devastating to the player. So, try to find out about the game - when we learned about WoW, a lot of things that weren't clear to us became so.

It certainly is true that you cannot convince someone that they are an addict or that they have a problem. What you can do is honestly and forthrightly explain what impact the behavior is having on you and your son. This doesn't mean nagging, griping, or attacking, but you have a right to your feelings and a right to express them. Be advised, though, that if your husband is truly addicted to gaming, he will deny the validity of your feelings, because his gaming is being threatened. You would be amazed to hear the sorts of things that come out of an addict's mouth, they're literally unbelievable (because they are).

In cases where an addicted gamer has chosen not to parent, as in your case, unfortunately one way that life will unfold is as a single mom. There, you will have to try to "be all things" to your son, because your husband, simply, will not. It is important to remember that you can have a happy life, and you can make a happy life for your son, whether your husband participates or not. You can go out and do fun things, you can have friends, you can be social, you can find another male role model for your son such as an uncle or coach... and your husband can game his life away and miss every second of it. That will be his choice, and you aren't responsible for his choices. Ultimately, only your husband can control his own behavior, and if he chooses to absent himself from his family, then he does. Your choice will be to not sit and stare at the back of his head for the rest of your life, and certainly not to force your son to do that, either.

I really hope that, in becoming educated about addiction and gaming, you'll come to other insights that will help you cope. I also commend you for sticking with a difficult situation. Sometimes (not often, but sometimes) a gamer will burn out or become bored with his game. I wouldn't wait forever for that to happen, though.

Jane in CT

jules01
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To missmyfamily  Reading

To missmyfamily

Reading your post I felt that it could have been me writing it because our stories are so similar. The main difference is that I don't feel that I love my husband any more because I have lived with resentment of his gaming addiction for too long. I also don't want to break up my family (we have two children) as at least he does see them sometimes now. I can't believe that this game (WoW) could have such a strong hold over him. He is a professional businessman (aged 50) and holds down a very responsible job. For now at least. I feel it is only a matter of time before his excessive gaming has a detrimental effect on his job just like it has on the rest of his life. I can't even remember the last time we were intimate and feel like I am really a single mother and he just happens to live in the same house but has no real involvement with anything that is going on. Anyway good to know that I am not alone (although it sure feels like it around this house) and good luck to us in dealing with this thing.

agtmom
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My heart goes out to you.

My heart goes out to you. I stayed, in fact, I'm still there. I tried choosing my battles and only asking (begging, nagging, whatever you want to call it) for some attention when I was at my wits end. Over the years, no matter how nicely or infrequently I asked, it turned me into the bad guy - the mean friend - the overbearing partner.

I certainly don't think that marriages should end when one partner is going through a rough patch. I am not a quitter and you don't sound like one either. But this is something that you will BOTH have to agree needs fixing or you are up a creek.

They say that hindsight is 20/20 but I'm not so sure. As I look back over the years, I still don't know if I did the right thing. It all seemed reasonable to me at the time. I thought:

1. This is just a faze. It will morf into another more healthy compulsion after a year or two.

But is wasn't a faze and has only gotten more intense as the years have gone by.

2. Children need two parents. They will learn that love conquers all. People in crisis should not be abandoned by those that love them.

I don't think my children have learned ANYTHING about love through this experience. I worry that they might think it is reasonable to have a partner that falls self-centered into an interest that precludes outside relationships. Five years ago they blamed him. Now they blame me. He talked them into playing the game about 3 years ago and it nearly destroyed their ability to focus on school work. Where they aren't addicted anymore, they understand what he likes about it, they can talk to him about it, etc.

Would any of this been different if we had been divorced? I don't know.

Everyone has their own moral compass. SVG said that her friends are encouraging her to do everything in her power to save her marriage and relationship. Then if she must go, she will know that she gave it her all. I think that is reasonable advice. But once again, ONLY if he agrees to work shoulder to shoulder with you to change things.

There is my "sage" advice.

wes87bar
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An addict only changes when

An addict only changes when he/she is confronted with the messy consequences of their behavior. In other words, an addict has to hit bottom before he/she finds the motivation to climb out of the addiction. Some addicts have a high bottom, others a low bottom, and some addicts never find that bottom and are lost for good in their addiction. At this point, it's probably impossible to tell where your husband falls on this scale.

I can tell you from my own experience that everything my husband said to me about my addiction and the effect it had on our relationship went in one ear and out the other. I deluded myself into thinking that I could somehow manage it all, keep things together, and besides, sooner or later my husband would come around to realizing that I deserved to have my own "hobby." I didn't realize exactly what was at risk, because as an addict, I didn't want to face reality. That's one of our biggest problems.

So there are some things you should know - you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, and you can't cure his addiction. So don't waste your energy trying. Unfortunately, however, you can contribute to his addiction by engaging in enabling behavior. Sadly, enabling often feels like the right, loving thing to do but in fact it just exacerbates the problem. The worst thing for an addict is for someone else to clean up his/her messes, make life easier, or help him/her avoid losing what his/her addiction has put at risk.

No one here can tell you whether to stay or leave your husband, but my advice is to look hard at your own behavior and make sure you aren't enabling his addiction in any way. Then it's probably time to start detaching with love.

I strongly suggest that you attend a live Al-anon meeting. It will teach you how to attain some level of sanity and happiness despite the fact that you are living with an active addict. And keep coming back here! There are others who are in exactly the same boat.

Good luck!

catherinek
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'The worst thing for an

'The worst thing for an addict is for someone else to clean up his/her messes, make life easier, or help him/her avoid losing what his/her addiction has put at risk. '

Wes8, hi I am Catherine- and how the heck did you know me so well. :-)

Nicely said above Wes.

wes87bar
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Thanks, Catherine - just

Thanks, Catherine - just speaking from experience. I wish I had learned about all this some other way, believe me!

roommate
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Hi, I'm sitting here

Hi, I'm sitting here listening to all his friends, he has a microphone, he'll put his headphones on when I go to bed. He missed my birthday, missed that today was Thursday, but bought me flowers, and hugged me between raids. He also managed to buy dog food and cigarettes, one of the symptoms, guilt, tomorrow he'll be twice as bad and I'll get the brunt of it. Thank God we don't have children, the animals suffer enough.

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