Before I go into my situtation I would like to ask how much online game time is too much. My husband says he doesn't get to get on and play enough and I say it is too much. I would say 5 out of 7 days a week he plays.3 to 7 hours each time. Is it nessary to play eveyday and so much.
kyjen03, welcome to OLG-Anon. In my opinion, there is no definitive amount of on-line game time (or game time in general) above which it becomes too much. Instead, it depends on personal circumstances. For example, with myself, I used to be playing regular video games for only about 4 hours per day on average. However, that along with other forms of procrastination caused me several significant problems with my clients, financial situation, wrist strain, etc. Although I did not play as many hours per day as some other people, I did not have very much control over my play time and I had significant trouble stopping playing. Although I would say that the amount of time that your husband is playing is a lot, and most likely excessive, I believe that another important question is what effect it is having on his other responsibilities. If it is negatively affecting his mood, his work, his relationship with you, how much time he has for his children (if any), etc., then it is too much, especially if he has trouble controlling the amount of time that he is playing. As for whether or not it is necessary to play every day, from my understanding that is not true in general unless he is a member of some group of people (e.g., a guild) who have a schedule that requires it. If so, the amount of time required depends on what this group/guild is trying to accomplish, how skilled the members are, which game they are playing, etc. However, there is no on-line game that I know of that requires anybody to spend any specific minimum number of days per week or amount of time playing.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
Hi there, according to your figures, your husband, at the low end, plays 15 hours a week - this being the 3-hour, 5-day a week scenario, and at the high end, he plays 35 hours per week, this being the 7-hour, 5-day a week scenario. Hey, I dunno, but 35 hours a week is starting to sound a lot like a full-time job to me. As it is, and the issue is, he wants to play more, maybe much more, correct? It sounds to me like you are pretty well into the bargaining stage with your husband. For whatever reason, he's feeling a really, really strong pull towards gaming, and it's starting to cause problems in your relationship, and you realize it, and you're trying to discuss it with him, but he seems to have a stronger interest in all this than you'd realized or anticipated? I will tell you that my own son developed an extremely powerful emotional attachment to gaming, which is one of the clues that something "more" than just a leisure time or fun activity is taking place. What most of us do, when we get to the bargaining stage, is try to encourage the gamer to set limitations on his/her play. You can make the logical case that the amount of gaming they're doing isn't leaving time for other important activities, whether that's spending time with the family, helping keep the house and yard in shape, working out, or any other important non-work stuff that should take priority over gaming. If your husband is not actually addicted to gaming, he might respond to this line of argument and agree with you to set reasonable limits on gaming. If he responds emotionally, or extremely negatively, or refuses point-blank even to consider limits, then you have just received some important information about the relationship he's developed with gaming. You might encourage him to take our self-test on the site (or answer the questions on his behalf yourself) and see where you think you stand. IMO, objectively speaking, 35 hours a week of gaming is already way too much. An addicted gamer will easily, and happily, give up sleep time, relaxation time, time with family and friends, and dump it all, every minute of it, into the game. But that doesn't mean it's right. The more they game, the more they want to game. It's progressive and the higher he "rises" in his particular game, believe me, the more time will be required, not less. If you want to post more about your situation, I know that you will receive caring support here. So, welcome! Jane in CT
I think if you are asking the question, you know in your heart that it is too much. It is the attitude toward the game, the drive to play, the emotional response to the thoughts of quitting that distinguish it between a hobby and an addiction. Look at his emotional attachment.
Janet
IMHO, Too much is any amount that affects the gamer and or the people around him/her in a negative way. That can be anywhere from an hour a week to 24 hours a day... It is not the time, it is the effect... As Janet said above, if you have to ask the question you probably already know what the answer is... :(
" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
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Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"
Okay so here is my issue. I have been with my now husband for 5 1/2 years. Married a little over a year. I knew when we met he was a computer geek.We met over the computer (go figure).We had a long distance relationship for the first year,so I didn't see exactly how bad he was on the computer. When we were together he wasn't on it much at all. I knew when we weren't together he was on it all day if he wasn't working. Well we moved into an apartment together after a year. We have had issues off and on in one form or another over the computer since about 6 months after moving in together. Funny how back then games were never really an issue too much. I would say the last 2 years have gotten worse computer wise. He got into WOW. He pays the monthly fee to play it. I have always been amazed how he can sit for hours upon hours and play it totally content. I have sat him down 2 or 3 time in this time to tell him how the whole computer thing makes me feel. He works a 12 hour shift that rotates days they work. He gets up at 2:45 on the mornings he works. He usually goes to bed at 10. He falls asleep on the couch most nights and I'll say why don't you go to bed or go play. Of course he picks to go play. I have seen him dead on his feet and he will choose to play as opposed to getting a good nights sleep. We can sit on the porch and watch the dogs play and he will fall asleep. Unless we are out and about he falls asleep on me. I have been talking to him and he zonks out. My thing has always been "Why do you always fall asleep on me yet you can sit at your computer and play that game and be wide awake?" It makes me feel like he doesn't want to be with me that I bore him. He say it's not personal that the game stimulates his mind. He doesn't like tv too much so he gets tired of it easy. We compromised once that he would do 3 hours a day and quit. That worked a few months. He thinks that isn't enough. I can make him a honey do list. I think he puts it off as long as possible so he can play. He has days during the week where i work so I think I can safely say he plays the whole time over 8 hours. Then usually plays at night. He forgets to do the things on the list. I get angry because he seems to make the game his number one priority. He seemed to feel bad the time before last when i spoke to him about how I felt. Now he gets a bit defensive. He isn't from here so he doesn't really have any friends. He says it's his guy time that he doesn't like sports so this is his sport. It helps him unwind and relax. I told him I would never ask him to quit playing because I know how much he loves it. I just want him to play less and do other stuff first then play. He say he doesn't want to spend his days off busy doing things around the house because then it wont feel like a day off. So I said how bout you take 1 day for yourself the whole day do whatever. Then the next day do stuff around the house. There is always something to do. It will help me out if you clean a little during the week. He also said he feels sometimes when I am bored I expect him to be too. I will admit sometimes that is true. I think because it urks me that all it takes for him to be content is that stupid game. I even moved my desk upstairs so we could hang out while he played. Shoot I can't really talk to him while he plays though. I try to occupy myself with things. He even had said he would go to bed at 1:30. Well now he has issue with that. I told him I just wanted him to get a good sleep so he wouldn't be so tired. I said I always get you sleepy and tired, she (the computer) gets the happy awake you. I have told him I feel sometimes I am competing with the computer. He will get on and check out all the WOW websites before he leaves for work. When I come home he is on his computer. I have been coming upstairs getting on my pc just because I know he really wants nothing more then to be on those WOW sites. He will and it goes on until 2:30 3:00 in the am. Most of the time it's 4 to 6 or 7 hours at a time. I tell him he is on too much he says not enough.I sometimes feel so jealous of that game and I feel silly because of it. He nows seems to get irritated whenever I make a comment about how much he is on. I don't understand it at all. He puts that game first and house work and me last. At least thats how I feel. Makes me feel lonely sometimes too. I want the game gone,but he would resent me if I even asked.I don't even want to attempt to ask him to stop altogether. I just don't think he gets how upset it makes me. I don't like feeling like the other woman. I feel like I am being a naggy b**** sometimes. I don't have any friends here and I work to and I clean and stuff. He isn't bad to the point where he misses work. He just seems to have to be on it all the time when he is home. I feel like when were watching tv all he is thinking about is what is going on with WOW or that when he is at work he can't wait ti get home to play. If I didn't say anything I think he would live on the computer. I have put off talking to him AGAIN. He has a friend from Oklahoma that got into that **** game and he calls here all the time now and all they talk about is WOW. That game sickens me. Then I read on here it never ends. We are starting a professional pet sitting business and I feel like he puts the game even before that. I am just at a loss. I am sorry if I have jumped around in what I have said,I have a lot going on in my mind. It is hard to put it into words. Hopefully I made sense.
Of course you made sense. He's the one with the problem, not you, though gamers are experts at making everyone around them think they are the problem. He's not the man he used to be. He's someone completely different now. He falls asleep for two reasons. The obvious one is that he is not getting enough sleep, but the other one is that when his brain receptors are not being flooded with dopamine, his brain pretty much crashes. You are not alone. There are many in the same situation here. I would not count on him for much help in your new business venture. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I took your story and substituted "likes to drink beer" or "go to the bar" for all your references to his computer habit. It sounded worse because everyone knows that alcoholism is a serious addiction. I believe computer gaming can also be a serious addiction, but until or unless he sees it as a problem, you can do nothing to solve it. You can only take care of yourself. As painful as it is and will be, you have to step aside from the addiction and live your life the way that is best for you. You need to forge a life for yourself, whether he comes along for the ride or not. He is telling you that you cannot count on him. Believe it and stop counting on him to be any different than he is now. You don't give your age and you didn't mention children. I hope you don't have any with him currently and you need to think really long and hard about bringing a child into this family with an addicted gamer as a parent. Only you can decide if you are willing to stay with him under the current circumstances, but leaving a bad relationship gets doubly hard when the couple has children together. Just remember that he is telling you by his actions who he is and who he wants to be; a gamer who makes you feel lonely and neglected. And you cannot make him into anything else. He has to decide.
Janet
Take it from me, and Ex-WoW addict. I had to quit this game 100% in order to be free of it. I am not saying that is true for everyone, but if his playing is effecting your life together, then it is a problem. WoW is designed to need increasing amounts of time invested to obtain the same reward ratio. In the higher levels, it is common for someone to need to commit 5+ hours a day/7 days a week in order to keep pace with the endgame content. Unfortunately, this leaves little time for anything else and that is where people start to get hooked on their online identities. The insidious part of this game is the social aspect, which is what will draw him back into spending more hours on the game even if he tries to set limits. aEUoeRaidingaEU or aEUoeHardcoreaEU Guilds are like sitting around with a bunch of other alcoholics and saying they donaEU(tm)t have a problem, passing beers around. The social pull in these MMO games can be strong. Also, without a good group in WoW, you are doomed to not have fun things to do in endgame. Staying in the good graces of the people your group with becomes extremely important. What I had to learn (the hard way) is that these friendships are false. I was the guildleader of a top Raiding Guild and by the end was clocking nearly 10 hours a day. 3pm (when I got home from work) - 11pm (bedtime) - And I was not even aware until I stopped and looked at the numbers! As an avid gamer myself, I now have rules about what games I will touch and what games I will not: NEVER PLAY A VIDEO GAME YOU CAN NOT PAUSE OR TURN OFF WHENEVER YOU DESIRE! The real world needs attention more than a game. If you canaEU(tm)t stop it whenever you want to, donaEU(tm)t play it because it is taking control away from you. If a game makes you feel that people playing it are depending on you, it is bad news. NEVER PLAY A GAME THAT KEEPS GOING WHEN YOU SHUT IT OFF! This takes the power away from the player. You canaEU(tm)t help but wonder what is going on in the game when you are away from it. You are afraid you will be missing out on something 24/7 - items, ranking, gold, etc. It sucks you right into this cyber world even when you are away from it. Hopefully, you can convince your sweetheart to find some healthy alternatives that are less addicting.
Until we are tested, how do we know if we will pass?
I am soon to be 33 and he is 32. No children just a zoo of animal babies! He is a great guy otherwise. I don't want to make him sound all bad. When he is with me body and mind I love it. We have a great time together and we crack each other up. He is one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. I don't think he would ever intentionaly hurt me. I guess that is what makes it so hard is that he does sometimes and doesn't see it. ai just keep tryin to look at it from his point of view. I want him to have his time and enjoy and relax. I just wish the need wasn't so strong to play. Alot of what you all are saying is strinking some chords in me though. I know most men don't wanna do house work and I like to but I would still like more help. When he works he feels I guess he doesn't have to do anything and that to me isn't always gonna happen. It bothers me to read the more he plays,the more he is gonna need to play. He tells me alot of times he can't stop the game until a quest is done.Do I sit him down and talk to him. My best friend said it was a tough call,but if i was unhappy I needed to say something.I don't want him to resent me.I know he loves me and god knows I love him.
My husband was very similar. We had a great relationship, there is no one out there that could handle our sense of humor. We laughed a lot. The game took that away. We were together less and less and our bonding went away. I don't know how a relationship can maintain when this disappears. And it didn't maintain. He found more in common with a "friend" and now they talk on the phone all the time. I had to stop checking the records because it was hurting me so much. He is my best friend and I have lost him. We spend more time together now that he has moved out. He doesn't even play the game as much. (he has to share with his brother and nephews). He has subsituted gaming for smoking pot now. One addiction for another. Although he doesn't see weed as an addiction. I've lost a lot in the past month and a half. I wonder if I will ever get it back or if it is worth it right now. Our daughter is due in a few weeks and I have these mixed emotions of happiness and sadness that I am going to be doing this alone. He really left me with 3 kids for a game. Even though he says it is because of All of our problems. I wish this was all a dream and I will wake up soon.
well i spoke to him last night about his playing of WoW. I had been putting off the talk because I was dreading his reaction. I was listening to him play the game as the other players spoke, I was thinkin my gosh these people take this game way to seriously! As he is playing I am reading from another website about people who are addicted to the game. I finally spoke up and told him I was very concerned with his playing the game after reading what I had read. I said people get divorced over this. So I then proceeded to tll him how I had been feeling.One thing I said was I wasn't to the point yet where I was saying"hey I want this game gone 100%" I just said I want you to step away a bit so I can see that you can. He felt bad I could tell and said he didn't realize it was so bad,that he would step back. So I am crossing my fingers he really tries. I said it isn't worth loosing what we have for a game and he said he agreed. He says he can walk away from that game and that he doesn't think about it all the time. I told him he should check out this site because I have learned alot on here. Thanks to all of you who replied to my post. I greatly appreicate your input. I will definatly keep reading the posts. I wish all of you the best with your situtations. I hope mine gets better!
I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully your husband is not so deeply enmeshed in gaming that he can't step back for a bit, look around and perhaps think about what he's putting at risk by his compulsive gaming. There definitely are people who can just sort of wake up, shake themselves up, and say, nuts to this. It isn't fun anymore. I would never claim that somebody couldn't quit gaming without a 12-step group or therapy or an intervention. For some folks, either gaming doesn't satisfy deeply felt emotional needs, or it was just a hobby that got out of hand temporarily, and they can come back to the real-world stuff that makes the non-addicts happy. I would even venture to say that there are people out there who can game for an hour and walk away for a month, and it doesn't affect them at all: just like those of us who, for instance, aren't alcoholics, can have a beer or two at a party and then, if we don't drink again for six months, meh. Either way, you know you've going to learn something when he does try to take a break. If he starts getting really testy, or anxious, or start trying to sneak back, or super-depressed, you'll see that maybe he's a little more into this game thing than either of you thought he was. I'm hoping for your sake that he manages to walk away, happy and free, and you can turn the page on this chapter of your lives in short order. If not............we are here. Best wishes, Jane in CT
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I feel for you wives! You are lucky there are no kids involved at this point! I have been married for 15 years, and have been with my husband since i was a teenager. Gaming could ruin our marraige. My husband has been trying alot harder to not play, and he even said he was bored last week-but then he continues to do it-he doesn't play wow-thank goodness, he would be gone! I have felt loke many of the other wives..neglected, angry, sad, and the list goes on. When I hear the game I want to smash it to pieces. So..what have I done? I go out with friends, take the kids out, and if it is a family oriented thing-I tell him he excpected to come-without attitude-or if something is at our home no gaming until the guest leave. I also told him that I will always love him-but my love as husband and wife is hanging by a thread, and everytime he breaks his committment and games instead-it hangs a little more. Its absolutly absured that i have to even speak to my husband like this..but i am not willing to give up everything we have-but I am logging things and journaling. I was thinking of writing a memoir it could be called,"the diary of a wife of a gamer" just kidding.....I appreciate this website as well-it is a good place to vent, and the other spouses or significant others should know your not alone. Sometimes when I come on here I get sooo angry-especially listening to the gamers describing how hard of a time their having, so I havn't been posting as much. Hang in their people...the world is very complicated right now, and alot of people are in such despair, and worse situations. Its hard not to get angry at something that looks like it would be so easy to turn off-but the anger will take over you-you have to continue on and be PRO_ACTIVE ..Happy fourth-were(all of us)going to see the fireworks later..take care.
My hubby is doing good so far. Since our talk he has not even so much as looked at WOW. I don't expect he will give it up,but he is respecting my wishes to back off. He said he deleted his newsgroups for that game and is even looking at new games he could play,that end at some point. It has been a good week!! Hope you all had a nice fourth!! :-)
You might also encourage your husband to find some leisure time activities that don't involve playing games. Maybe there are some things the two of you could do together that don't involve the computer. Or there are hobbies, interests or activities he can do that don't involve any kind of gaming. Being around the computer and gaming may be way too tempting, there are much healthier and more productive activities that he could do instead of gaming, and he would also not risk becoming addicted to the new games. Jane in CT
Yea I think that is a good idea!