I need help!

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judy
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Joined: 03/30/2009 - 3:49pm
I need help!

I need help! I don't know what to do. My husband of almost five years is addicted to on-line gaming. We live two separate lives. I live my life with our two kids, four and two years old, and he lives his life with his computer. He started playing WOW six months before we got married and at the time I had know idea that it was going to be a long term thing. I thought it was something new he was consumed with and over time he would give it up. I was wrong and five years later here we are. He gets up in the morning and gets on-line for a few minutes and then leaves for work. He works an eight hour shift five days a week and then comes home and is immediately on the computer. He plays from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed. On the weekends he plays all day long; from 10:00 am when he wakes up, to about 1:00 am when he goes to sleep. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything with us. We always invite him to go with us to the park, or out to eat, anywhere, but he always declines saying he doesn't feel good or is tired, but I know that is just code for needs to play computer games. In the past when I have confronted him about this problem he just shrugs it off as no big deal saying at least he is not out at the bars all night, or out with other women. So my choices are alcoholic or gaming addict? I think I deserve a little more than that. Two days ago we had a big fight that started about him breaking something, which happens often because of his anger issues when things aren't going his way, I finally told him that I have been angry at him for a long time and that he is not a part of our lives like he should be because of his gaming. Of course he replied with, "Oh, so it is all my fault," and proceeded to tell me that I am critical of him and make him feel like he is an idiot. The issue was left unresolved as usual, and now I don't know what to do. I want to give him an ultimatum to make a choice between his family and his computer, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. I just want my husband back. We used to have so much fun together and now we don't have anything. I am tired of being angry and alone.

BigH501
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Last seen: 8 years 11 months ago
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Joined: 12/15/2006 - 10:31am
Hello Judy and

Hello Judy and welcome, . Yes you do deserve so much more than that ! That defense of "I could be out drinking or worse" is one of the must common you will see from many many others spouses/SO's. . If you do decide to give him an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through and be prepared for him to choose the computer... I am not saying what he will do, only that your leaving may wake him up to finally see what his gaming has done to your family, or it may not... . Ultimately you really can't change him. You can only work on yourself and do what you need to do to be happy. You can invite him along but HE has to decide to come and HE has to want to try to change. . Read more of the posts here from people in your shoes, it will help you get some perspective on your situation. I am sure others will soon chime in with more insight as well.

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
.
Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

gsingjane
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Good morning Judy, I, too,

Good morning Judy, I, too, am sorry to hear of your situation. We certainly have seen an awful lot of spouses in your situation at this site in recent months. In some ways, gaming does seem to be negatively affecting so many relationships and marriages. On a practical note, if you are planning on possibly giving your husband an ultimatum, as Harold says, above, you must be prepared to follow through. Are you? Are you working, or do you have a way to support yourself and your children? Who would watch your children while you work? Is there a place you would live? Transportation? Health insurance? A network of family and friends who will be able to support you going forward? (I don't mean financially, necessarily, but socially and emotionally)? Note that I am not recommending that you end your marriage. That's an awfully big step to take, and it would be so wonderful if you could work things out before taking such an action. But if you do, you will feel much better about the process, and it will be easier on everyone, if you have a good workable plan in place. You will feel more in control of your situation and - even though ending a marriage is always super-hard emotionally - you might feel calmer and better about things, too. Good luck to you, sweetie. You and your children deserve a better life than what you have now... Jane in CT

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